the next day

When Jiyong is hit with sudden waves of inspiration, he tends to live inside the studio or the scrappy pages of his lyric book. Like right now, for instance.

He hadn’t been expecting it, but it’s here and before Jiyong can even think over what (or who) caused his artistic mindset to flow so freely, he’s desperate to have all of these fresh ideas down and tangible before they get lost inside his own mind.

It doesn’t happen often, so when he does get inspired, Jiyong doesn’t waste a moment of it: by the time Youngbae had finally made an appearance yesterday, Jiyong had already begged Teddy to let him use the studio during 2ne1’s recording sessions, as he had been worried that by the time he’d reach home, all of his ideas may have escaped him.

And now, a day later, whilst Tablo is preparing to record with some of the rookie idols, Jiyong hasn’t budged from his seat, determined to get these songs somewhat finished in one go.

“You actually stayed the night, wow.”

Jiyong wants to hiss at the person disturbing his thought process as he reluctantly looks up at a smiling Tablo. In the face of his senior, Jiyong can only swallow down his irritation and bow his head slightly in greeting.

“Yeah, I wanted to finish these.” He gestures to his notes.

“I thought you weren’t allowed in here by yourself - am I meant to be hiding you right now or something?”

Jiyong laughs lightly, “As long as I don’t touch anything, I’m fine. So I can write for as long as I want, I just can’t play around with the composition.”

Tablo nods in an appreciative gesture, “I’m impressed. I don’t think any of the other interns are half as determined.”

Some of Jiyong’s annoyance quells at that, and he smiles despite himself, “Thanks, hyung. Are you writing stuff for the new groups?”

“Nah, they’re just going to be featuring on one of our title tracks.” Tablo runs a dismissive hand through the air before focusing on the book in Jiyong’s hands once more. “Do you mind if I take a look?”

Something inside Jiyong recoils at that.

No, he thinks instinctively, suddenly wanting to hold his note book close to his chest. This is odd for Jiyong, because usually he is jumping at the chance for someone to read over his work, to tell him what he needs to fix in order for it to be good enough. It’s odd because Jiyong unexpectedly feels embarrassed at the thought of Tablo reading the songs he’s been working on. They’re very different from his usual rap and techno mixes, which are all fun, mostly meaningless lyrics and a catchy beat.

But, Tablo is staring at him expectedly and as if Jiyong is in any kind of position to actually say no. So with a resigned feeling, the boy hands over the book in his hands.

Jiyong’s chest tightens with nerves as he watches the older’s eyes skim through the first few pages.

It seems like hours, but just moments later, Tablo stops reading and looks at Jiyong with a curious stare that feels a lot like judgement and Jiyong wants to shrink in to himself because of his own insecurity.

“Jiyong...this is-”

Oh god, it’s terrible, he hates it. Jiyong braces himself instinctively.

“-really good,” Tablo says. Jiyong tries to mask his own shock at the words, at a loss for what to say in return as the older continues, “I didn’t know you could write stuff like this as well.” Me either. Jiyong thinks, warmth spreading through him at the praise he’s just received.

He smiles, feeling hopeful, “Should I get the president to listen to these, then?” He may be pushing his luck, but Jiyong’s never gotten a song right on the first try before, and he’s overjoyed at his own development, wanting to make something out of it.

However, Tablo shocks him even further with a slight smirk tweaking at his lips, “Actually, that last song? The one with the lengthened intro – I was wondering if you’d let me use it in Epik High’s upcoming album.”

And Jiyong’s world explodes.

What the .

With wide eyes, and a nervous stomach, he positively gapes at the older. “You’re joking.”

Tablo lets out a low laugh at the younger’s expression, “Nope, I’m completely serious. I wasn’t exaggerating; this is some good , Jiyong.” He hands the book back to the boy’s frozen form.

Jiyong loses the ability to respond at this point, and can only stare blankly at the rapper with his jaw slack. The older laughs once more, “Well, is that a yes or a no?”

“Yes! Oh my ing god – yes, like you don’t even know.” Jiyong jolts back to life, his breath coming out short and his words rushed in excitement. “Thank you.” He can’t express it enough, and he stands up to bow in gratitude.

The older swats a hand against his back, “Also, I want you to help me with the composing too, because I’m guessing that you probably already have some ideas from when you were writing the lyrics down.”

Jiyong’s dizzy with the news.

He can’t even begin to comprehend what the is happening right now. Did he just get his song on an actual full length album? I must be dreaming, he thinks dazedly, this can’t possibly be happening.

“And one more thing,”

Jiyong tries to snap out of his trance at Tablo’s added words.

The man is smiling at him in a knowing way, “Don’t thank me, but thank whoever it was that brought this -” He gestures to the lyric book, “out of you. Whoever they are, I recommend you keep them close.

All great song writers are great because of their muses, and I think that’s exactly what you’ve been missing. Congratulations, Ji – you’ve found your muse. If you keep writing like this, I think you can go a long way from here.”

And when Tablo turns away from him after that to talk to the rookies, Jiyong continues to stare at empty space blankly, allowing himself to fully grasp what the rapper has just told him.

His creative reverie has been decidedly broken, and Jiyong is able to actually think about what these songs in his hands actually mean to him – think about where his inspiration had suddenly sprung from.

And the answer shocks him to his core. His heart beats fast inside his chest as he re-reads his lyrics carefully – and there is no question, no doubt as to who they are pointing at.

Seunghyun.

 Jiyong doesn’t know what do with this realization. He can only repeat the name, Seunghyun. Seunghyun, it’s Seunghyun, breathing it in and exhaling it – letting it consume his thoughts.

My muse.

“You are so ed.”

Jiyong has no clue why Youngbae sounds so amused, whilst he is having a slight mental breakdown over this new found development in his life.

After Tablo had asked for Jiyong’s song, he had ended up calling Youngbae to take him out for celebratory drinks but yet at the same time, to sort of this whole ‘muse’ mess.

Now, the singer is continuously smiling at him stupidly and Jiyong immediately regrets telling him anything. Youngbae nudges him from the stool next to his along the bar, “You’re totally in to him.”

Jiyong had practically foreseen this reaction from his friend, yet it still causes him to feel affronted and he frowns deeply. “That’s not it, that’s definitely not it.”

His friend isn’t thrown off at all, and he can only roll his eyes, “Jiyong. These –” Youngbae picks up his lyric book, waving it in front of his face, “are clearly songs about liking someone. You can’t lie about this, not to me and not to yourself, either.”

Jiyong shakes his head, not willing to listen to Youngbae’s reasoning at all, “Seunghyun is really ing handsome – I’ll give him that. I can admit I’m attracted to him, of course I am, the whole country is – but it’s not more than that.”

Youngbae shakes his head at him in disbelief, “Are you telling me you just spent almost 12 hours in the studio writing lyrics about someone who you find hot?”

“I just exaggerated a bit – to add drama and meaning, you know, it’s what sells.” Jiyong supplies hastily, not actually sure if there is any truth to his own words.

But, that has to be it. Jiyong doesn’t even – he barely even knows Seunghyun well, and they’re so different and Jiyong is desperate to end the marriage contract with him at all costs. The matter of liking him doesn’t fit amongst any of that.

Then why were you so bothered about Bom being his girlfriend.

Jiyong wants to snap at his conscience, wants to shut it up before it can say anything else to make him doubt his own conclusions over this. The Bom thing – that wasn’t even about her, it was about being lied to, about thinking that Seunghyun was pretending to be all perfect when he wasn’t. Jiyong attempts to ration with himself.

You were jealous.

Jiyong clenches his eyes shut. No, this makes no ing sense.

You do care about Seunghyun, you like how well treats you, you want more from him.

“No.” Jiyong says out loud, massaging his temples as if he could knead out all of the unwanted thoughts.

He feels a hand on his shoulder. “Look, Ji, I don’t want you to get messed up over this. I don’t see how it’s a big deal? I mean, what if you liked him? Why is that a problem? I can’t even remember the last time you liked someone honestly.” Youngbae’s words swirl about Jiyong’s head, and when he properly registers them, his eyes snap open and there is an anxious knot building inside his chest.

He stares at Youngbae with wide eyes, “I don’t do this Bae, I don’t do relationships, and you know that.”
 

He can see the singer’s eyes soften at this, “Jiyong, you’ve told me that Seunghyun is a good guy, you’ve said it yourself – he’s nice and he’s done a lot of things for you. Someone like that wouldn’t screw you over.”

“I’ll screw him over.” Jiyong says and he hates that his voice is shaking, “You know I will – there’s too much that he’s going to have to deal with. Bae, his life is perfect. He even broke up with his girlfriend over this marriage deal and I’m just going to it up even more. And besides, I don’t think he likes me like that.”

Jiyong has always, always found Seunghyun’s kindness towards him to be a habit of nature – he’s so nice to everyone around him that Jiyong should not be as stupid as to put any meaning behind Seunghyun’s actions up to this point. That’s just how he is, even to him.

But even then, Jiyong can’t help but think back to yesterday’s conversation. “I think I already have” When Seunghyun had said that, whilst looking at Jiyong so intensely, the younger had almost felt as if those words had been specifically concerning him.

As if he’s the reason that Seunghyun has moved on from his previous relationship. It had left him feeling strange and tingly on the inside and he remembers feeling oddly happy – knowing that Seunghyun didn’t like Bom anymore.

But now, Jiyong feels terrified.

He thinks over Youngbae’s words, and his own, and the fact that yes, judging from the argument he had with Seunghyun yesterday, he does care about who the older is seeing and who he isn’t.

It has been easy for Jiyong to completely brush off and disregard the unusual way he’s begun to act around Seunghyun – softer, shy, almost – and the unusual emotions he experiences when the other is around him, like guilt and worry and nervousness.

But now, Youngbae has acknowledged it. And it is real, suddenly. All these strange feelings are right there and Jiyong can’t just dismiss them now, not when he’s written them down, solid on paper.

Jiyong feels suffocated by it all.

He’s meant to be celebrating the fact that, for the first time, his song has been chosen for an album, making him an actual producer – but he can’t even focus on that right now and it . He should have found a way out of this before he’d even properly met Seunghyun. He’s let it drag on too far and it’s become too much and now he has no idea what he’s meant do.

Through his inner turmoil, he registers that Youngbae is now running soothing circles on his back, “Ji, I know I’m not meant to talk about it but – what happened four years ago, with your mom-”

Jiyong shrinks backs as if he’s been burned, staring at Youngbae incredulously, “Bae.” He says in a stern, warning tone.

But the singer isn’t shaken at all as he looks back at Jiyong with earnest. “Maybe it’s time to move on from it. I think it’s time you let someone else take care of you for once – you’ve been doing it by yourself for too long, now.”

“You promised.” Jiyong’s voice breaks, “You ing promised that you wouldn’t-”

“I made that promise years ago, as well. And I think some change is exactly what you need right now. Don’t make me worry about you more than I already do.”

And like that, Jiyong’s resolve breaks. His eyes slip shut and he lets out one shuddering breath before he can feel small tears pool over and spill down his cheek. 

“I can’t. I can’t.” He whispers, sounding so small and breakable that all Youngbae can do is wrap an arm around his shoulder and hope that, somehow, it will all work out in the end.

-

Seunghyun is not at all surprised when his father announces to him that they are going to visit the Kwon’s residence for dinner.

It’s been a few days since they’ve let Jiyong and Seunghyun alone and it’s only a matter of time before they decide to take this situation back in to their own hands. And Seunghyun guesses that time is now.

He doesn’t know what to make of it. He’d like to believe that after everything, Jiyong does hold some sort of feelings towards him. Their conversation the day before is assuring to him of this, that Jiyong does show interest in Seunghyun in some way.

But that doesn’t mean he wants to marry me.

And as much as Seunghyun has experienced Jiyong’s foul moods, he is always seemingly won over by everything about the younger that had endeared Jiyong to him in the first place. He’s always going to be going in circles about it. He’ll always care for Jiyong like this.

But that doesn’t mean he wants to be with you as well.

So it has reached this point, where he has made some progress with the boy but no matter what, Jiyong is not going to want to go through this with marriage. He had made that clear to Seunghyun from day one.

As much as that bothers him, Seunghyun still doesn’t want to force Jiyong in to this. And despite the fact that Jiyong has stopped hating him and may possibly now care about him too, even if Seunghyun wants to do something about, he wants to do it his way.

If he actually does like Jiyong enough, he doesn’t want to be in a forced relationship with the younger, but a substantial one, one that Jiyong gives full consent to.

But like that’s ever going to happen, Seunghyun scoffs at himself as their driver pulls up in front of Jiyong’s home.

“I can’t wait to meet him.” A hand squeezes Seunghyun’s just before they’re about to get out of the car and Seunghyun turns to smile at his mother gently.

“He’s not going to be like anything you’re imagining.” He assures the woman as they step outside on to the large driveway.

His mother has been on a business trip in Japan for the past month and he’s only been able to talk to her over the phone about this whole ordeal. She’s positively ecstatic to properly meet her possible son-in-law and Seunghyun, although he loves his mother very much, is slightly worried that she may not approve of Jiyong as much as his father surprisingly does.

But that slight worry is definitely overturned by his own childish anticipation towards seeing Jiyong once again. Like always, his nerves are running haywire and he isn’t sure how to conduct himself as they approach the large double doors.

They are welcomed in by Jiyong’s father, who is grinning warmly as he ushers them inside the heated home and away from the cold of the night. Seunghyun sheds his heavy coat and hangs it on the coat rack beside the door before turning back around to take his mother’s.

“Such good manners.” Mr. Kwon praises him and Seunghyun smiles back timidly whilst automatically imagining the look of distaste Jiyong would have sent his way if the younger had heard that comment.

Wait, where is Jiyong?

Seunghyun looks behind Mr. Kwon but is unable to see anybody else and he frowns lightly. He’s almost about to voice his thoughts when suddenly he’s beaten to it.

“Where is Jiyong?” His mother asks with clear excitement in her voice as she looks about the house, “I’ve been dying to get to know him.” 

“He’ll be very happy to see you, as well, Mrs. Choi.” Mr. Kwon replied, “He should be home any minute, he has been busy with his internship work lately.”

“Oh, really? Where is that at?”

And Seunghyun tunes out of the conversation as the three adults begin discussing matters concerning Jiyong that he is already well aware of. They are lead in to the lounge room and seated on the couches there, reminding Seunghyun of the first meeting they had had – waiting for Jiyong to come home in this exact spot. 

Please, let him come home sober this time. Seunghyun internally prays – he wants Jiyong to leave a good impression on his mother, at least. She even took an earlier flight just to meet him a few days in advance. God, I hope he’s in a good mood today.

Surprisingly, Seunghyun isn’t given any more time to ponder on that thought as the front door opens once again and his breath hitches inside his throat as Jiyong enters – doesn’t stumble this time – in to the house.

Something’s off. Seunghyun can sense it right away, from the slight puffiness around Jiyong’s eyes, unexpectedly not lined in dark kohl, and the way he’s walking – slow, and without that usual flare and confidence of which Seunghyun so very much admires.

But, perhaps Seunghyun is simply making a bid deal out of absolutely nothing – because the three around him stand to greet Jiyong cheerfully, obviously not seeing any kind of problem with the boy.

“Jiyong, you’re just in time.” Mr. Kwon says, and he steps forward to lead Jiyong towards the Chois at a faster pace. Seunghyun awkwardly stands back and observes as his father pats Jiyong on the back after the younger bows to him politely.

Okay, literally what is going on? Who is this and what have they done with Kwon Jiyong?

Jiyong has not glanced in his direction even once in the time that he’s come inside and Seunghyun’s sense of worry is slowly building inside of him. Sure, he didn’t want Jiyong to be falling drunk in to his house but this – this is not Jiyong, and Seunghyun is lost.
 

“This is Seunghyun’s mother, Choi MinSeo.”

If Seunghyun hadn’t been examining Jiyong so closely in that moment, he would have missed it – but right then, Seunghyun sees something shift in Jiyong’s previously tired expression.

His eyes grow wider and he suddenly looks much more alert as he regards Seunghyun’s mother. The older watches with curiosity as Jiyong bows deeply and returns Mrs. Choi’s bright, welcoming smile with a more timid, unsure smile of his own.

But he is smiling, now and Seunghyun is more confused than before.  Perhaps Mr. Kwon had told him to be especially nice to his mother on their first meeting?

“You must be so tired,” Seunghyun hears his mother exclaim before she’s grabbing Jiyong’s hands and leading him gently to sit on the sofa. Seunghyun would have expected Jiyong to be uncomfortable with Mrs. Choi’s friendliness – but he doesn’t even flinch, in fact he looks much more at ease as he takes the seat beside her.

Seunghyun can’t tear his puzzled gaze away from the boy as he sits on the chair opposite them.

“These boys have all gotten to know you, so today it’s my turn.”

Seunghyun wants to stop his mother’s embarrassingly sociable attitude because he knows how much Jiyong detests all of this.

However, that proves false as the boy responds to her with a light-hearted laugh of his own. And Seunghyun is so, painfully thrown off by the sound, by the gentle and relaxed expression on Jiyong’s face that is usually heavily burdened with a scowl.

And as he watches his mother converse animatedly with Jiyong – who has not been able to wipe off that little smile on face his ever since – he can only silently drown in his own great confusion as everyone else is apparently oblivious to how absolutely bizarre this is.

What in the world is going on?

By the time they are all seated around the large dining table, Seunghyun is beginning to question whether he is dreaming this whole meeting up inside his own head.

He’d wanted Jiyong to get along with his mother, but something else has happened entirely and Seunghyun could not have anticipated this outcome in a million years.

Mrs. Choi absolutely adores Jiyong.

Even now, she’s helping him to get his food and smiling at him warmly every now and then. Seunghyun is obviously aware of the woman’s extremely kind nature, yet she is also extremely conservative and proper and so he had foreseen at least some sort of clash between the two.

Yet, it’s not like Jiyong is acting like himself, Seunghyun reasons. There’s no blatant reason for his mother to dislike Jiyong at the moment – he’s being perfectly polite and nice, and Seunghyun hasn’t been able to find any comfort throughout the whole evening because of it.

They begin their meal, and Seunghyun, who’s sitting opposite the boy, is trying desperately to catch Jiyong’s eye – to find some kind of answer for his strange behaviour there – but even when he does manage to, Jiyong averts his gaze immediately.

Something is so, very wrong.

Just as Seunghyun is chancing actually speaking words to Jiyong, Mr. Kwon, sitting at the head of the table, clears his throat for everyone’s attention. Seunghyun sighs inwardly and turns his head to the elder.

“So, boys-” Mr. Kwon addresses Seunghyun and Jiyong, “We’ve been waiting for the right moment, and we think the both of you are close enough to take the next step forward in this arrangement.”

Seunghyun freezes up at the words, instinctively throwing an anxious glance towards Jiyong – thankfully, this time; Jiyong also seems to be caught off guard by the information. He is staring at his father with widened eyes.

Mr. Kwon’s voice drags Seunghyun’s stare away from the boy’s troubled expression once more, his heart picking up its pace inside his chest, “We think it’s important for the both of you to experience living with each other prior to the actual marriage. So that any possible problems that could arise out of having the two of you under the same roof can be fixed now, rather than later – to know if you can take care of each other well before we do anything too official. ”

Oh my god, Seunghyun’s heart pounds against his ribcage, he couldn’t possibly mean –

It’s his own father that speaks up now, “We think that Jiyong should move in with you Seunghyun, in to your apartment, as your fiancé.”

Seunghyun’s breathing stands still altogether and then he’s choking on it all at once, coughing up a storm that brings water to his eyes and everyone’s attention on him. His dad, beside him, pats him a couple of times on his back as he tries to calm himself down.

After a moment, his impromptu coughing fit settles in to little clearings of his throat, yet Seunghyun’s thoughts and heartbeat still seem to be incapable of finding any sense of calm.

This is too much. Seunghyun feels himself falling in to a small panic as he grasps his crystal glass of water and downs the liquid to get rid of the suffocating feeling he’s experiencing.

“I know this seems a bit sudden –” Mr Kwon starts again, but Seunghyun doesn’t think he’s physically or emotionally prepared to hear anymore. Jiyong living with him as his fiancé – fiancé – he might actually have a severe heart attack any moment now at the thought.

I was totally not ready for this, Seunghyun realizes and he’s standing up before anybody can say anything else ridiculous. He knocks over his empty glass on to the table but does not even have the mind to care because his eyes zero in on Jiyong’s form.

Jiyong, who is staring up at him wide, disbelieving eyes – most likely how their parents are looking at him right now as well. What’s wrong with him? Why isn’t he lashing out about this? It’s supposed to be him, not me.  

“I want to discuss this with Jiyong.” Seunghyun pieces out his words, slowly but firm, not leaving any room for argument, however, just in case, he throws his determined stare around the table to see if anybody objects. When he is met with a perplexed silence, he calms a little, adding “Alone.”

“Of course, honey. You boys take your time and talk things over.” Mrs. Choi, although also partially shocked by her usually quiet son’s outburst, is smiling between the two young men and quietly urges Jiyong to stand up as well.

Seunghyun sends her a grateful smile and she nods understandingly as the younger hesitantly gets up from his seat. He actually does manage to meet Seunghyun’s eyes this time, offering, “We can go to my room.” To which Seunghyun only nods before following the smaller boy.

Once they enter the room, all of Seunghyun worries and stress associated with tonight’s events crash in to him at full force, and he throws all of his own precautions to the wind as he grasps Jiyong’s shoulders and forces the boy to meet his eyes.

He sees that Jiyong jumps, physically startled by the sudden movement. His rounded, chocolate eyes display his astonishment as he stares down at Seunghyun’s hands on the sides of arms in clear disbelief and then back in to the older’s intense gaze.  
 

“Jiyong, what’s wrong?” Seunghyun’s voice comes out in to a hoarse whisper, “Why are you acting like this? You’ve been scaring me all night.”

Jiyong struggles to move away but Seunghyun holds him as steadily as possible – he needs to know no matter what. The boy narrows his eyes, “I thought this was what you wanted. You hate how much of a I am to you and everyone else, so you should be happy. I don’t get you, Seunghyun.”

Seunghyun feels a slow sense of dread occupy his gut at Jiyong’s biting response. “I never asked you to act like this. Jiyong this isn’t right, what –” Jiyong jerks away from him harshly and Seunghyun sighs, letting there be distance placed between them.

The boy curls his upper lip, “You don’t even know me.” He crosses his arms over himself.

Something inside of Seunghyun breaks in to two and he shortly realizes it’s his patience as he feels an uncontrollable surge of bottled up words travel up his throat, “It’s because you do this!” Seunghyun exclaims, “You don’t let me!”

“Why do you even care?” Jiyong asks, in a smaller voice now, staring down at his feet.

Seunghyun thinks that is possibly the most ridiculous thing Jiyong could have wasted his breath asking in this moment. He has never tried to hide it, not obviously – everyone who sees him with Jiyong even for a minute would be stupid to not realize. After all of it – there’s no way that Jiyong doesn’t have even a little clue about how Seunghyun feels.

And so the older can only shake his head, “You know why.”

Jiyong’s head snaps up to look at him, and Seunghyun takes one step forwards, relishing in the fact that the boy doesn’t step back.

“I –I just had a day. Honestly, I just didn’t have the energy to do or say anything. I was tired, that’s all. And then to come home to this – it was too much.” Jiyong is speaking with earnest, but Seunghyun knows that there is something more, that it isn’t that simple, but he decides to let the issue slide for now, not wishing to exhaust the boy further.

He’s just glad that Jiyong is talking to him, that he’s acting like himself again – it controls the unsettlement inside his chest a little.

“Jiyong, you’re clearly tired of all of this and I don’t want to trouble you anymore. I want you to live your life the way you want to. I’ve always admired your freedom and your strong will but this whole thing is taking that from you.”  

Seunghyun has been preparing for this conversation from the moment that Jiyong had walked in to the house like a lifeless corpse, and he knew that he would be telling Jiyong tonight – the way the boy has been acting has only pushed him in to action further – so he hates how difficult it is for him to actually voice it.

But it’s what has to be done. No matter how much Seunghyun wants to lock these words away and make them disappear for good, he’s not prepared to have Jiyong lose himself like this.

“I hope you understand what I’m trying to say, here.” Seunghyun continues after a long breath whilst Jiyong is staring at him in clear confusion. “I –I know that I wasn’t going to pull out before, that I wasn’t ready to stand up to my dad, and maybe I’m still not ready, but-”

And Seunghyun sees the realization dawn on to Jiyong’s expression, his lips parting in a small ‘o’.

“Tonight convinced me. I can’t see you like this, and it’s practically my fault you’re in this mess in the first place. I don’t – I don’t want us to be together in this way.”

Seunghyun tries to ignore the way that Jiyong’s eyes clearly soften at his last comment. He shakes his head. “I’ve decided to do it your way.”

“Seunghyun-”

“I’m ready to fight against this as hard as you want me to. I can even use Bom as a reason, I can do a lot and I honestly think it will pull off.”

He doesn’t understand the wince that flashes across Jiyong’s face as he speaks, doesn’t understand how is it that the boy isn’t patting him on his back and saying he’s glad. “It’s going to be a lot harder once we have rings on our fingers, Jiyong. I don’t think I can do this once the public knows about us officially. It has to be now.”

And Seunghyun has fire pumping through his veins as he turns his back and makes for the door. I’m actually going to do this, he thinks as his stomach twists in fear.

But he doesn’t make it far. Long, thin fingers wrap around his arm and he pauses. “Jiyong.” He says calmly, not turning around, “We can go together if you want. You can help me.”

Jiyong doesn’t respond, only squeezes his bicep with a little more force. Seunghyun can hear the boy’s breathing; loud and uneven. “Seunghyun,” The older closes his eyes at the way Jiyong whispers his name; softly, so close to where he’s standing. “Seunghyun you can’t do this. Not now.”

His eyes fly open in surprise. Seunghyun glances over his shoulder. “What?”

The grasp on his arm disappears and Seunghyun turns to face the younger once more. Jiyong looks frustrated, tugging at the hair on the back of his neck, “, I can’t believe – how can you just be willing to do that?”

“Jiyong-”

“Did you even see how happy your mom was out there!? Did you even hear anything she was saying to me!?”

Shocked in to a frozen state at the boy’s sudden twist of words, Seunghyun can only look back at Jiyong with a blank expression as the younger continues in a flare. “She’s so ing happy about this –about us. You go out there and say those things, you’re going to tear her the apart.”

Seunghyun has never, never witnessed Jiyong taking such care in regards to anybody’s feelings before. His whole being yields at the sentiment behind Jiyong’s words. He didn’t think it was possible for the boy to be selfless like this. He reaches out to Jiyong, whose eyes are now blotched with the tears he continuously has to wipe at, “Jiyong, I didn’t think-”

“I know you might not want me to move in – but I can’t just-” Jiyong hesitates, taking in a shaky breath that transcends in to soft, heartbreaking sob and Seunghyun can only break at the sound as he instinctively steps forwards to wrap one arm around Jiyong and lead him to sit on the bed.

“Shhh-” He soothes, rubbing the distressed boy’s arm, “I thought this was what you wanted. I didn’t know I would upset you more.” Seunghyun feels so lost, so angry at himself.

“You don’t understand,” Jiyong hiccups quietly, and Seunghyun had guessed – he had known that there is more to this than Jiyong is telling him – yet, he’s not going to push the boy any further than this. Not now.

“And you don’t have to tell me until you’re ready.” Seunghyun assures him, more lost and worried than he’s ever been, yet, somehow content – content that he is here, still, that Jiyong is allowing Seunghyun to comfort him like this. That Jiyong possibly doesn’t want out.

That maybe, Seunghyun had accidently ruled out Jiyong’s feelings long before he could even begin to understand them.

a/n: wow that got angsty fast. i cant believe i updated within days i hope this sticks

if jiyong in this chapter confuses you a little - good! that's the aim right now, because he is confused and conflicted at this point, i jst thought i'd clarify that bc reading over this was even a bit disorientating for me ahah and what happened in his past will be dealt with later i'm sorry it's not time to reveal anything just yet ^^ 

tysm for all the feedback again <3

(and oh my god IbbyluvsGTOP you subscribed to this??????? one of my favourite gtop writers this is so surreal?? thank you i love all of your stories so much T T)