Jessica hates having a . She has to pee standing up (which took a few tries not to spray everything), she has to…adjust herself at random intervals (clearly the ‘one size fits all’ label on her yoga pants is a lie), and the damn thing just has a mind of its own sometimes (no wonder they call it thinking with your other head). She doesn’t know how guys live like this. She doesn’t know how she’s going to live like this.

She’s lost her s (although she always found bras a hassle, so she supposes that’s one tiny little silver lining), her hair (what is this mop on her head now), her voice (she tried singing The Boys, although the title makes her cringe now, and she can’t hit half the notes), and her friends.

Despite what people may think, Jessica isn’t an idiot. And she would have to be not to notice the way the girls are acting around her. She knows that she’s making them uncomfortable, but she’s not exactly having the time of her life either, especially when Yuri is acting like someone with a schoolgirl crush, Hyoyeon won’t meet her eyes for more than two seconds, and Taeyeon—

Jessica doesn’t know whether to scream, or laugh, or cry. Maybe a combination of the above. She thinks that she’s feigning composure enough to fool them (except Tiffany, but Tiffany is…an exception, to put it simply, she always has been to Jessica), but it’s becoming increasingly more difficult to not fly off the handle.

So she’s not really in the best of moods when Juhyun comes back.

“Jooyoung oppa texted me and told me to be prepared,” Juhyun says with mild concern, slipping off her shoes and neatly lining them against the wall. “Prepared for what, exactly?”

Everyone is silent. Then Jessica clears and says, “For me,” her voice coming out even lower due to her weary trepidation.

Juhyun freezes, her eyes finding Jessica’s—new form. Then she stares, and stares, and stares. Jessica’s heart feels like it’s lodged in .

“We don’t know what happened,” Yoona says. “Sica unnie just—changed.”

“I can see that,” Juhyun says in a faint voice. She seems to snap out of it, joining them on the couch. She neither stares avidly at Jessica nor determinedly avoids eye contact, which is already a vast improvement from the other girls’ reactions.

“Let me give you a brief summary of what you missed,” Jessica says dully. “I woke up as a guy. I have no idea how this happened, and I have no idea how to undo it, or”—she winces internally—“if it can be undone.”

Tiffany is looking at her, eyes full of concern, her whole face radiating it. They’ve all been looking at her a lot – or completely not looking at her – but there’s always been awkwardness, or bewilderment, or even flustered interest in their eyes. Of course, these emotions flit in Tiffany’s eyes from time to time too, but for the most part, she’s just been…Tiffany. Warm, and concerned, and well-meaning, and almost achingly sweet. Even though it’s obvious this is almost as weird for her as it is for Jessica (and it really takes a word a lot stronger than ‘weird’ to describe what it’s like to wake up one day without your s and with a ), she’s been trying so hard to comfort Jessica, to reassure her, to cheer her up. And throughout it all, she’s been treating Jessica—normally, like she’s still her, still Jessica, even though she’s not a girl anymore.

Jessica didn’t know it was possible, but it makes her love Tiffany even more.

As if she knows that Jessica’s thinking about her, Tiffany smiles, all crescent eyes and dimpling cheeks, and – , Jessica didn’t forget what happened in the morning when they got into a tickle fight. It was stupid of her to find Tiffany alone in her room just now. She needs to learn to keep her distance, so Tiffany will never find out it’s not just because ‘these things happen.’ It’s because it’s Tiffany, and her body is very aware that she wants her, and it’s a lot harder in this body to hide what she wants.

Juhyun looks at Jessica, not like she’s a lab specimen, or a half-stranger, but like she’s simply under the weather. “Unnie,” she starts gently, and a rush of relief washes through Jessica at the familiar title. “Are you okay?”

Is she okay? She doesn’t think she’s been asked that question today. She almost snaps, Of course I’m not okay, how could I be okay? She her lips. “No, not really.”

“This must be terribly hard on you,” Juhyun says, so understanding it’s like she has seen tons of people change in the middle of the night.

Jessica manages a “yeah” somehow. Juhyun’s reaction is so surreally calm that Jessica isn’t convinced this is actually happening. Then again, she couldn’t believe that the situation was actually happening, but here they are now.

“You’re taking this awfully well,” Hyoyeon remarks.

“Thank goodness some people are,” Tiffany mutters under her breath (which for her is basically talking at a regular volume), glancing at Taeyeon. Jessica bites back a smile. It’s sweet of Tiffany to pick up on how Taeyeon’s making Jessica particularly uncomfortable, even though Jessica didn’t explicitly address it. (If she didn’t talk about it, she could pretend it didn’t exist. If only that worked.)

“I—” Juhyun breaks off into a small smile. “I don’t know. We’re not really strangers to—unusual situations.”

She has a point, to a certain degree. A lot of weird things happen to them, but this is—beyond weird. Jessica’s still hoping that this is all a nightmare, but her nightmares are usually a different kind of weird (she once dreamed that she was a cucumber and she was being eaten by her human self; she didn’t know which part bothered her more), and they never last this long.

“This one must top the list,” Jessica says quietly.

“Hey, when this blows over, you’ll be able to have a good laugh about it,” Sooyoung says with unconvincing bravado.

When this blows over. When she changes back. When things go back to normal. It’s a thought that has been circulating non-stop in Jessica’s mind, but the longer that it’s been, the less hope that Jessica has. Hope feels like a luxury she can’t afford.

“Let’s hope so,” she says.

 

Jessica is sitting on her bed, aimlessly scrolling through her phone (she almost called Krystal, but then she realized Krystal wouldn’t even recognize her voice and would probably think her phone got stolen by some psycho fan), when someone knocks on her door.

“It’s not locked,” she says without looking up.

The door opens, and one of the last people she wants to talk to right now speaks up. “Jessica, can I have a word with you?”

She looks wearily at Taeyeon. “Is this Leader Taeyeon or ByunTaeyeon?”

“How about just Taeyeon?”

“I guess I can spare a minute for just Taeyeon,” Jessica says amicably.

Taeyeon smiles, tucking her hair behind her ears. Thankfully she’s not staring at Jessica with moon eyes anymore. She closes the door behind her and takes a seat on Jessica’s chair (Jessica is grateful she doesn’t join her on the bed). “I, uh, I’m sorry about all this.”

“It’s okay,” Jessica says tonelessly. “It’s not your fault.”

“It’s not yours either, you know.”

“Yeah, Tiffany told me.”

“You shouldn’t need her to tell you.”

“Isn’t that what you’re doing? Telling me?”

Taeyeon smiles a little. “Good point.”

“Don’t worry, I know you’re just doing your job.”

“I’m your friend too, you know,” Taeyeon points out. “Not just your leader.”

“You’re not acting like my friend right now,” Jessica says bluntly. “Friends don’t ogle their friends.”

“Sure they do,” Taeyeon says easily, “if their friend is hot.”

Jessica makes a half-laughing, half-choking sound. “Taeyeon.”

“I said I was sorry about all this,” Taeyeon says rather sheepishly. “By ‘all this,’ I meant—” She shrugs uncomfortably. “Look, you’re—not hard on the eyes.”

“Neither are you, and you don’t see me staring at you,” Jessica says without thinking. She freezes, wondering if she gave away too much. It’s not that she thinks her members would kick her to the curb if they found out about her uality, but it’s not something she wants to announce to them either. She always thought that one day, she would find someone she would want to steadily date, and she would let them know then.

She didn’t think that someone would be in the group too.

“That’s different,” Taeyeon says carelessly.

Jessica relaxes. Of course Taeyeon is going to say because I’m a girl, and girls aren’t supposed to look at other girls that way, and nobody would know because nobody even thinks like that.

“There’s only one person you would stare at.”

Jessica’s mouth falls open. “You—”

Taeyeon chuckles. “I have eyes, Jessica. And I can see where yours are all the time.”

Jessica’s throat is tight. “She doesn’t.”

“Fany has a blind spot when it comes to you,” Taeyeon says, like it explains everything.

“So you know?” Jessica asks haltingly. “You know I – and you don’t find it weird, or…?”

“I found it kind of weird at first,” Taeyeon admits. Jessica’s heart sinks. “But Soonkyu and I talked about it, and—”

“Soonkyu knows too?” Jessica’s voice almost cracks.

“Soonkyu knows everything,” Taeyeon says simply.

“So what, you two just get together and talk about me behind my back?” Jessica snaps. “You guys are great friends.”

“Soonkyu wanted to talk to you about it directly, but I thought—” Taeyeon shrugs again. “You know, you and I have always been similar about this kind of stuff. I wouldn’t want to talk about it, so I thought you wouldn’t either.”

Taeyeon’s right. Jessica wouldn’t have wanted to talk about it if they had approached her. She doesn’t want to talk about it now.

“Jessica,” Taeyeon starts hesitantly.

“I don’t,” Jessica says shortly, “want to talk about it. But that doesn’t mean I would rather have you talking behind my back.”

“We’re worried about you.”

“Worried? Pitying, more like. You feel sorry for me, don’t you? That I look at her all the time, and she looks back, but she never sees me.”

“I think she sees you.”

“Yeah, she sees her fellow member, her best friend. A girl.” Jessica’s teeth sink harshly into her bottom lip. “Well, I’m a guy now, and apparently I’m ‘hot.’ For the first time ever, she looked at me like she was interested. For that one second, before she realized that the ‘hot guy’ in front of her was her best friend.”

“Jessica.” The pity is undeniable in Taeyeon’s voice now. “Didn’t you see the way Fany was glaring at me?”

“When you were flirting with me, you mean?” Jessica says wryly. “Yeah, it’s called being a good friend.”

“I think it’s called being jealous.”

Jessica snorts. “Why would she be jealous?”

“Why indeed,” Taeyeon says.

Jessica tells herself not to read into Taeyeon’s words, but they linger with her like the damp chill of morning mist, prickling beneath the surface of her skin.

 

“Is this what you came to talk to me about?”

“Fany?” Taeyeon asks. “No. She just slipped into the conversation.”

“She slips into a lot of places.” Like Jessica’s thoughts. Her dreams. Her heart. “Well – barges, really.”

“It’s part of her charm,” Taeyeon agrees.

“Do you really think she doesn’t know?” Jessica asks quietly. “I thought – I thought maybe she did and she was just too nice to reject me outright.”

“That would be like leading you on. I don’t think she would do that.”

“Either way, it would hurt, right? At the end of the day, it’s all the same.”

Taeyeon’s frowning. “There is another option, you know.”

Jessica turns her face away. “Don’t,” she whispers.

The bed dips as Taeyeon sits down by her side. She puts an arm around Jessica’s shoulder, and Jessica can literally feel how awkward she is about it. She would laugh if she could find a shred of mirth inside herself.

“I’m really bad at this,” Taeyeon says. “Sorry.”

A laugh does claw itself out of Jessica’s throat at that. “Don’t worry, I’m not an expert either.”

“I just wanted to tell you that – I know we haven’t been dealing with it well, I haven’t been dealing with it well, but…we’re here for you, you know?”

“I know.”

“Sorry I was hitting on you earlier.”

Jessica’s laugh almost sounds normal this time. “It’s okay. Just stop doing it, or I’ll hit you, not hit on you.”

Taeyeon pouts. “You would hit a girl?”

Jessica snorts. “There’s a guy in you just waiting to come out, don’t even deny it.”

Taeyeon pulls her hair back and pulls an intense face. “Do you think I would make a cute guy?”

“Definitely, Taeng oppa,” Jessica teases.

“Are we interrupting something?”

Jessica can’t remember the last time she heard Tiffany sound so…stiff. Startled, she looks up to find Tiffany and Juhyun looking at them, Tiffany’s expression tight and unreadable.

“You didn’t knock,” Jessica says dumbly.

“Sorry,” Tiffany says, not sounding very apologetic. “The door was open a crack already.”

Taeyeon lets go of her hair, which falls back to frame her face. “Oops, I must not have closed it properly.”

“It’s getting late, Taeyeon,” Tiffany says in a voice too light to be casual.

“What time is it?”

“Past midnight, unnie,” Juhyun says.

Jessica didn’t realize she was talking to Taeyeon for so long. Then again, they were talking about Tiffany, and when it comes to her, time is just one of the many things Jessica loses track of.

“I should go sleep,” Taeyeon says. “You should too.”

Jessica works up a smile. “Don’t worry, I’m the last person you need to tell to sleep.”

“We were talking,” Tiffany says, still in that stiff voice, “and – it’s probably better if you have a room to yourself. I was going to offer you mine, and Juhyun had the same idea.”

“Sooyoung doesn’t want to sleep in the same room as me, huh?”

Tiffany frowns. “It’s not like that.”

“No, don’t lie to me. You know I don’t like being lied to.” Jessica lets out a ragged breath. “I can’t blame her. I wouldn’t want to room with a guy either.”

“I wouldn’t mind rooming with you,” Taeyeon says offhandedly.

“Thanks, Taeng oppa.”

“I think you’re supposed to say hyung, in this case.”

Jessica rolls her eyes. “Shut up.”

“I wouldn’t mind rooming with you either, Jessi,” Tiffany says. “We never got to be roommates.”

Jessica thinks about Tiffany sleeping a few feet away from her, how she would be within touching distance yet impossibly far away, how she would no doubt insist on talking and God knows what Jessica would reveal.

“I don’t think now is the time to start,” Jessica says.

Hurt flashes across Tiffany’s face, before her expression turns blank. Jessica doesn’t like the sight of that. Then again, a) she could hardly talk about putting up a mask, and b) at least she can see through this one. Tiffany’s a much better actress than she’s given credit for, and sometimes Jessica can’t tell whether she’s acting or not. Needless to say, those times greatly bother her.

“If you want to room with Taeyeon—”

“I don’t want to room with Taeyeon,” Jessica interrupts her. “When did I say that?”

“Then what do you want?”

Isn’t it obvious? Jessica thinks, looking at that pale, wan face, those dark, pretty eyes. I want what I’ve always wanted: you.

She redirects her gaze to their maknae. “Juhyun, is your offer still open?”

“Of course, unnie.”

“I don’t want to put you out,” Jessica says, which is true, but also… She doesn’t think she can bear to sleep in Tiffany’s room, in her bed, where reminders of their owner would glare at her from every pink surface. “I just – I think it would be better for everyone if I had my own room.”

Juhyun looks understanding. “I don’t mind sharing with Sooyoung unnie.”

“Thanks, Tiffany,” Jessica adds, not meeting her eyes.

“You’re welcome, Jessica.”

Taeyeon stretches with an exaggerated yawn and stands up. “Well, I’m going to hit the sack. Good night, kids.”

Jessica lifts a hand. “Night, hyung.”

Taeyeon rolls her eyes. “You could learn some respect along with the honorifics,” she says without heat, and heads out the door.

Juhyun follows her, and Tiffany makes to join them. Jessica can’t help herself, calling out Tiffany’s name.