A/N: This is slightly more recent than the last chapter, done when Bang Yongguk destroyed me with his release. It's more angsty, as what little I've written or planned has been darker. Just a warning.

4:44 AM

The numbers of his bedside clock cast a red glow over the room, the only light coming from the obnoxiously bright digital display; the time 4:44am.

Without even another thought of trying to get more sleep he tossed the covers back and stumbled out of bed, making his way carefully into the kitchen. Tiptoeing on the cold, wooden floor and squinting when he flicked on the kitchen light, he stopped, closed his eyes and released a shaky breath. After a moment hesitation, with well learnt muscle memory, he opened the corner cupboard and fished out the half empty bottle from the top shelf, also bringing with it a short glass. Before even making it back to the kitchen counter he’d removed the bottle cap with his teeth and begun pouring out some of the strong liquid. Then stepping to the left he opened the freezer and snagged a couple ice cubes for his glass. The liquid sloshed onto the bench when the ice fell, making a satisfying clinking ring around the silent room.

He brought the glass to his mouth, catching a whiff of the potent alcohol before taking a swig and feeling it burn down his throat.

You know that’s not good for your health.

Hakyeon flinched and looked up towards the doorway he’d just come from. Wonshik leant against the wall, eyes hidden by the shadows and a sad smile adorned his face. Hakyeon chose not to respond, the only sound coming from the rattling of his ice cubes as they shook in his trembling hand.

Just look at you. You should be getting some sleep. Have you even eaten anything recently?

Hakyeon looked down, seeing his reflection on the shiny countertop. Deep, dark, circles were engraved under his eyes, the pupils holding no life. His skin was pale, too pale for his natural tan. He could see how gaunt his cheeks had become, no doubt matched by his fading body mass, his ribs growing prominent and hips losing their round shape. His heart stung knowing why he looked this way and he snapped, shouting at the being across the room.

“Why do you care?!”

The voice was too calm in response, too deep and too quiet. Why wouldn’t I?

Hakyeon glared, practically baring his teeth. “You left.”

Wonshik didn’t move, not even a flinch. His voice still soft, That doesn’t mean I don’t care. I love you, Hakyeon. I don’t want to see you like this.

“Shut up!”          

Hakyeon.

“Don’t.” He turned away from the Wonshik across the room, “I don’t want to see you anymore.”

But Hakyeon-

“Shut up!” He spun back around, glass flying into the wall where Wonshik was just standing.

The glass shattered and the liquid splattered all over the wall and floor. Hakyeon let his, now empty, hand drop to his side as he looked over at the broken shards. His breathing was rough and he had tears in his eyes, tears from too many emotions all hitting him at once.

That was stupid.

Hakyeon froze when he heard Wonshik’s deep voice on his left. The lanky male was now leaning against the sink.

You know it’s not my choice to come back here. But someone has to keep an eye on you.

“I didn’t ask you to.”

I know. And that hurts me...That you don’t want me around.

“I-I...”

You what?

Hakyeon shook his head, some of the tears falling loose and rolling down his cheeks. “Please just leave me alone.”

Why? I thought you loved me.

“You left me.”

 His voice grew harsh and grating, daring Hakyeon to look his way again. Why do you have to keep bringing that up? I’m here now what else matters.

“You ing left me! And it hurts! It hurts so ing much, Wonshik. I was alone for too long.” He looked at the other male, only his head was still down and eyes still hidden, though Hakyeon could see his furrowed brow and the tenseness to his muscles.

You’re not alone now. Wonshik said, voice again soft.

“It’s not the same.”

Hakyeon shook his head in exasperation, turned away and picked up the bottle, swallowing a big mouthful of the whiskey. He hated the taste but the alcohol numbed him quickly and that’s what he needed at this time of the morning. When all his memories seemed to hit him at once and he felt how truly dead he was on the inside.

He turned to Wonshik, “You’re not the same,” But the younger had moved again.

Hakyeon sighed, taking another swig from the bottle. With any luck he wouldn’t see Wonshik again this morning. This was always as far as they ever made it. Hakyeon accused Wonshik for his miserable state, the younger accepting it sadly and would eventually leave Hakyeon to wallow in his hopelessness alone.

The alcohol was hitting him quick; with his empty stomach and naturally weak resistance to the drug the world was starting to spin more than usual. Using his free hand Hakyeon wiped the drying tears from his face and moved to take the bottle with him. It was nearly empty now, so he might as well finish it off and get some sleep, no matter how fitful.

Before he could take more than two steps the voice spoke again.

Don’t drink that.

The sound came from right beside his ear and Hakyeon’s eye twitched. “You mean this?” He asked politely, not even turning around, before downing the last two mouthfuls. He coughed as the fiery liquid burnt its way down his throat.

Oh, Hakyeon.

The voice cut through his gasping, his lungs burning for oxygen.

Why do you do this to yourself?

Hakyeon continued to ignore Wonshik, coughing out his own question instead, “Why are you still here?”

You’ll have to be more specific, love. Do you mean here this morning or just here with you in general?

Hakyeon hesitated, maybe he didn’t want to know, “...Both.”

Wonshik chuckled. Not a cheerful sound. It was dark and threatening. Honestly, that’s something you should be asking yourself.

Hakyeon huffed at the useless answer. “Just go away.”

I can’t.

“You did it before.”

There was silence and Hakyeon knew he had finally pushed it too far. He could feel the difference this time. He could feel rage building, the frightening emotion hanging in the air.

And you think that was my fault?! You think I wanted to leave?! I ing loved you, Hakyeon! I loved us! I loved my life!

“I know.” Hakyeon could feel the tears again, burning as they ran down his face. “That’s why I have to do this because I can’t-” He cut himself off.

Can’t what, Hakyeon?!

“Go away.” He said quietly. His hand tightened on the bottle, aching to feel it break under his touch. “You said yourself you don’t want to be here. So just leave.”

I can’t go until you tell me.

“Tell you what?”

You know what I want to hear. You can’t hide from it forever.

“I-I told you I can’t.”

Then you’re stuck with me.

Wonshik’s voice was all around him, drowning him with that deep tone. It was suffocating him.

But it was also comforting. He could wrap himself in those words, no, those sounds, and the familiar voice would take him to the past. Take him back to when they were good.

“I can’t say.” Hakyeon’s voice cracked, “Because then you’ll leave.”

...I thought you wanted me gone.

“I do!”

Then say it.

“I can’t!”

Hakyeon used his free hand the grab his head, it was throbbing, spinning from not just the alcohol. It was like he was splitting in two. His body was being pulled in opposite directions. Dragging him apart to the two things he wanted; one he knew he shouldn’t and the other he just couldn’t.

Stop lying to yourself. Wonshik’s voice came out a sneer, so unlike him that Hakyeon flinched.

“B-but I can’t lose you again.”

Then let me stay with you, forever. And just like that Wonshik’s voice was soft and compelling, pleading Hakyeon to bury himself deeper into his shell, protecting him from the truth of the world around him.

It was then Hakyeon realised it wasn’t a choice between what he wanted, but what he needed.

“I can’t let you do that,” Hakyeon’s voice trembled, “Because I can’t stand the guilt! I can’t look at you. I can’t hear you. I can’t think of you without it ripping me apart.”

Wonshik remained silent, his presence remaining at Hakyeon’s side.

“When I lost you I lost everything. And I know. I-I know.... I know I did this.”

When Wonshik still didn’t respond Hakyeon screamed again, spinning around and lashing out with the empty bottle, the cry, Are you happy now?, drifting off his lips as the bottle smacked into what should have been Wonshik, but instead was a picture frame.

The carved wooden frame fractured when it hit the floorboards and the glass shattered, the picture within slipping out from the wreckage.

It was a photo of Hakyeon and Wonshik. Wonshik had his arm around Hakyeon’s shoulders and he was looking at the elder with love evident in his eyes. Hakyeon was smiling brightly as he took the picture, body fitting so right up against Wonshik’s. The picture was taken after their first month together, when they both knew without a doubt they were smitten. After the camera shutter clicked, the picture immortalised, Wonshik leant in close, his lips brushing Hakyeon’s ear as he said, truly and sincerely, for the first time, I love you.

Hakyeon burst into a new wave of tears as he saw the photograph, this new onslaught left him sobbing uncontrollably. His frail body shaking as the bottle slipped from his grasp and joined the other cacophony of items he’d already knocked to the floor. His hands went to his face trying to cover his mouth as ugly wails drew from him.

“I-it was, oh god, it was my fault.”

His chest heaved as he gasped painfully trying to breathe. And somehow, between his sobs, he was able to face reality and say the words to pull him from his world of limbo.

“It’s my fault you’re dead.”

His eyes widened after his confession. He had never said it so plainly and it destroyed him. The overwhelming guilt ripped him apart now that he finally admitted it out loud. There was no more denying the dirty truth that had been eating him away inside, clawing at him in the early hours of the morning. With Wonshik there, always waiting to taunt him further, his sad eyes and lifeless complexion a reminder of what he had become, just a corpse in Hakyeon’s past.

“I’m sorry, Wonshik. I’m so sorry.”

His nails dug into his face, his hands pressing against his mouth as his plea slipped out.

“Forgive me, Wonshik. Forgive me?”

“It was . . .” His body shook.

“It was my fault.”

Those words. Four simple words. One sentence it was that had haunted Hakyeon every morning at 4:44am.

But I never blamed you.

And with that Hakyeon fell to his knees. Drawing closer to the picture, but squeezing his eyes shut so he wouldn’t have to see it. He could tell Wonshik was gone and this time he wouldn’t be back. He had said it. He had admitted the truth. He had realised his sin and Wonshik didn’t need to visit him anymore.

But Hakyeon still wanted him.

Because those meetings, no matter how maddening and completely irrational, were all that was keeping him sane.

And, the only thing keeping him alive.

Word Count: 1942