C H A P T E R  T W O : F I N A L

We are doing that treatment for about three months now and I know my skin gets whiter and softer. What was she? A fairy godmother? I am still watching Lu Han from a far but there are times that I will spotted him in the library, he will somewhat talks to me but then he will leaves immediately when that girl calls him. She is Park Sohee, one of Lu Han’s classmates and closest friends. They are always together and I always find myself getting jealous. I know I am not in the right position to get jealous but I just can’t control myself. She is nice, rich, smart and beautiful. She was always with him, how can I not be jealous? She is the kind of girl I am dying to be. I won’t be surprised if Lu Han likes her because she was indeed a girlfriend material.  

I tried my best to make him notice me, to be at least make him interested in me. I tried my best to become as white as him but I know that is impossible. I joined dance club but still no luck. Can I really do it? Can I really win his heart? Or even just make him notice me? I sulked in my seat as I am slowly losing my self-esteem. He is an angel that is so out of my reach. I am just capable of looking at him but didn’t manage to at least touch even the tip of his fingers. He’s an angel, my angel.

I am now 10^th grade and he is now 3^rd year high school. Meaning, this would be our last year. He will graduate soon and me also, him from high school and me in middle school.  I grew frustrated. How can I make him notice me? I study hard for him to see my face on the bulletin board. I succeed being to be the number one in my class but I guess he didn’t notice it. Can you imagine it? I am not smart but I made it to the top just for him. I tried my very best to gets prettier but he’s not aware of it. I became popular but why is he still not seeing me as a lady? I tried everything but he’s not even looking at me. My heart suffers because of this one sided love but I can’t turn my back to him. Every time I tried to I will just find myself coming back to him.

“Don’t tell me, you’re giving up?”

“I am. I don’t know now. I see no chances at all. For three years, I tried everything to make him notice me. I am giving up, I can’t stand it anymore.”

I said sulking. There is no way that Lu Han is going to notice a girl like Kwon Jae Ha. For him, I am just another junior to be nice with. I have put up everything I can. I’ve been hiding my feelings for so much longer and I think I’ve reach my limits. Every time I meet him, every time he will turn to me I am getting nervous, lost for words like I am tight lipped. I can’t open my mouth to tell him how much I love him. Though I love him, I don’t dare to tell it to him. For him to see that I exist in his world, I tried to improve my physical look but I guess he’s really not paying attention to me. This is the sad part of being in love, the part that you know that they can’t love you back. That it’s just you who have feelings for them. I didn’t understand why my heart chose you? I met lots of beautiful faces, but why am I stuck with you?

I can say that Lu Han and I get closer, but there’s still a boundary called ‘friendship’. I’ve been friendzoned. How unlucky am I to stick with my first love so helplessly? I thought my heart was born to be with you forever, but I am wrong. You are meant to be together with someone else…

“How long have you guys been dating?”

Jiyoung asked them as I sat so helplessly on my seat staring on the ground with my hands trembling, this is so awkward. Today, Lu Han and Sohee announced that the two of them are dating. I knew it, I’ve seen it coming. I’ve told myself to be brave and bear it a little more. I am crying inside but smiling on the outside congratulating them. Great, just great.

“Exactly one week.”

Sohee stated as she took Lu Han’s hand and intertwined it to hers. Me too, I want to hold you like that. I chanted on my head as I stare at their hands. They fit together, I am so hopeless. Why am I still hurting? I thought I already ready myself in a situation like this. My heart was never been so confused. From the start I know who I really love, it’s been him and only him. He’s the only one I want to love. My heart is in pain, it’s because my heart is crying out. No uncertainty, I am sure it’s you I am going to be happy with. But here you are, happy with someone else. I can’t be happy for you, because my heart just loves you.

“Excuse me. I am going to the restroom.”

I said excusing myself, not able to handle all the pain anymore. I stood up and looked back again to them seeing Lu Han looking at me worriedly. I turned my gaze away and then left the field. I can’t handle it anymore. My heart is aching, it’s turning into million pieces. How can I fix it myself? I needed you. I don’t know how much longer I can say I am okay, but I hope someday I will be. I don’t know how much longer I can pretend, but I hope it will be over soon. I’ve been hiding the truth inside my heart and that caused me to be broken. How come I never been so straightforward with you? How stupid I am to wait for you even though I can confess myself? I regret everything. I regret changing myself for you to notice me. Why did I change myself if I can just tell it to you? My heart is in deep pain and I am the cause of it, me myself. It’s my entire fault and no one else’s.

I went to the school’s rooftop and cry my heart out. They made a great couple; kind, smart, rich, beautiful and handsome, a very perfect match. How dare I am to be match with them. Comparing to them, I am just nothing. Sad but that’s the truth. I cried my heart out, screaming how hopeless I am. This love, why so dramatic? They say falling in love is heaven, but why not to me? Maybe because I fell in love to someone I should not. I fell in love with the wrong person. I fell in love to someone who is also in love with someone else. I hope someday he will realize that there is this girl who is in love with him. I curled on the corner and then rested my head on my knees. I’ll be over this soon, I hope so.

***

“I feel—“

“I’m okay. I can handle this, there’s no need for you to worry.”

I said cutting Deana for talking any further. I am trying my best to be okay, but I am still avoiding the topic when it comes to him. Maybe it’s time to move on. I know that he will never feel the same way about me. He’s dating someone else and all I can do for him is to be happy because we’re friends, just friends. I have no right to be angry neither with him nor with her because from the very beginning it was just my fault. It’s my fault for being a coward, but what can I do? I am so shy when it comes to him.

“You know I am always here for you.”

Deana said trying to cheer me up. It was very appreciated knowing that I could get through this with the help of my friend.

“Should I marry you then?”

I joked.

“Nah~ I like boys.”

I smiled and then proceeds on reading the book in front of me.

“What were you reading?”

I raised my book and then smiled.

“Math? Seriously?”

I smirked. She knows me very well, she knew I hate Math the most but this is the only thing that made me forget everything I am going through. There’s still some time that I will remember Lu Han when reading math textbooks because I know that Math is his favorite subject, but when I am so occupied of the a question I am forgetting about him at all.

“You are so unpredictable.”

She mumbled and then sits beside me. We both drifted to our own world, she with her fantasy and me with the numbers. I closed my book and I felt my phone vibrated. It was a text from my sister abroad.

From: Unni

I’ve been planning to take you here. Studying abroad, sounds good right? Text me if you already made up your mind, but don’t take too long so I can prepare everything.

I stared at my phone screen thinking. Was this a good opportunity for me? One of my dreams will came true and that’s to study abroad to improve my English skill. And also this will take my mind out of Lu Han.

***

I am playing with my hands as I waited for Lu Han to shows up. Today, I am going to tell him what I really feel. Today is my last day in Seoul because tomorrow I am going to fly to where my sister is. I decided to grab the opportunity to study abroad. I’ve been arguing with myself whether to tell my feelings for him or not and in the end I made up my mind to tell it to him. I guess he also has the right to know.

I am not hoping anymore, I just want to let everything out. Today is the start of moving on. Today, I am going to forget about everything. I am moving forward even though it is hard. I am going to move forward without looking back. I will leave everything here in Korea and my feelings for Lu Han is also included. I glanced on my watch patiently and then leaned on the rooftop’s railings, feeling how the air brushes through me. After our graduation this afternoon, I handed him a note saying to meet me here in rooftop at 7 in the evening. Glancing on my watch, it says 6:49. I took a deep breath and watch some of the students still gathering on the school grounds giving farewell to their friends.  

“Jae Ha?”

I froze for a second before turning around to meet his angelic face. Why was he so handsome? How can he be this perfect? Could he be more perfect? There’s still pain but I am going to hold back. I already made up my mind, I am going to let go of this love for him.

“Lu Han, you came.”

I mumbled as he walks towards me. He smiled sweetly and I admit that it melts me down. I smiled weakly and then turn my back to him to recollect my courage before looking back.

“I just want to tell you something, I hope I didn’t bother you.”

I started as I look at him for a second or maybe two. He blinked and then nods.

“Not at all. What was it?”

I took a very deep breath before saying,

“Just promise me one thing first.”

“What is it?”

“That you will not speak even a single word. That you will just keep still. Don’t say any word.”

He smiled and nodded as he says ‘Okay, I won’t speak, I promise.’

“The thing is I like you. No, I love you… for about three years now.”

I said straightforward bravely. I looked at him and saw him shocked. He looks at me in the eyes and about to retort something but I stopped him right away.

“Don’t say a word, please. Keep your promise.”

He made a thin line as he bit his lips.

“I tried to win your heart. I did everything for you to notice and get interested in me, my physical look and even my brain. I tried to improve them all for you to notice that I exist in your world but you’re not paying attention to me, not even once.”

I stopped mid-away as I felt my tears streaming down. I wiped it away but it keeps on going so I didn’t mind wiping it again. He looks at me with sadness in his eyes. Do you pity me? No, please don’t be sorry. It’s my fault anyway.

“We became friends but it stop just right there. No more progress afterwards. I love you because you are nice and sweet, let’s just add the fact that you are good looking and also sporty. You made my heart pounds rapidly, you’re making me nervous without even knowing.”

I said sobbing. I guess I look horrible now.

“I am admiring you secretly, wishing that someday you will realize that this heart of mine was beating for you. I am so stupid thinking that you will notice it. I love you so much that when I heard that you’re dating someone, I just decided to keep silent. I don’t want anyone to notice how broken I am, I don’t want them to pity me. I am so grateful for the attention you are giving to me but I know it was just affection for a friend.”

“Jae—“

“Don’t speak, please.”

I begged as I looked away. As soon as I assured that he won’t speak again, I continued.

“And today I decided to tell you about this. Lu Han, the senior I’ve been in love with for too long now. I really want to thank you. Because of you I became aware of myself. You made me love myself and you thought me what love is. And as of today, the definition of love I’ve learned because of you is letting go. Love is about letting them go for their happiness. Love is sacrificing your own happiness for the one you love.”

“Jae Ha, listen to me—“

“But I am going to be okay. I am starting to move on. Thank you very much Lu Han, thank you for everything.”

***

“I will miss you, mom!”

“Do you really don’t want us to send you away?”

Mom asked me wiping her tears away.

“No, I might change my mind if I saw you there.”

I said as I hugged her tight. I let go of her and then kissed her cheeks.

“I’m going now, I am running out of time.”

Mom just nodded and then sends me to the door. I closed the door behind me and took a deep breath. I was about to walk away when I noticed a small envelope near the entrance. Walking towards it, it says ‘To: Kwon Jae Ha’ I took it and then keep it inside my jacket’s pocket before calling a cab to the airport.

I am now sitting on my seat inside the plane as I remember the envelope a while ago outside our house. I took it and then open it. I unfold the paper inside it and notice it was a letter.

To: Kwon Jae Ha

It is so sad to know that I break your heart. I break the heart of the girl I’ve been in love with. Yes, I’ve been in love with you since the beginning. I saw you watching me every practice game and soon I found myself looking at you. I am always looking for you every game and saw you just sitting quietly, curving a smile whenever we met eyes. I fly back to Korea to study so that I am able to see you. I just found out that you are not in my level and I felt quite bad so I didn’t ask you out. You still young for this kind of relationship. I saw how you start changing yourself, I just didn’t make it obvious so no one will suspect me. Asking you out had been crossed my mind but I am so tight lipped when I am walking close to you, so when I spotted you in the library I tried to talk to you. You don’t know how nervous I am when I started teaching you about Math. To tell you the truth, Math wasn’t my favorite subject but I am good on it. I just told you Math were my favorite so that I can manage to teach you knowing that you will think that I am capable of teaching you. Sadly, we still have practice game that day so I needed to be parted from you. Being straightforward, I love you too Jae Ha. About the relationship with Sohee, it was really not true. It was just game of a dare we’ve been dealing. The dare will end in our graduation day but sadly, everything turns into a mess. You told me you love me but I didn’t say a thing because you don’t want me too. I really want to hug you that time but I just can’t move. You didn’t know how much it hurts seeing you walking away when you already tell everything that is inside of you. It hurts a lot knowing that I can’t do anything because you told me not to follow you. Why are we like this? Am I a little too late? I’ve heard you are going to study abroad but your friend didn’t tell me where exactly. I want to follow you, but where? I tried calling you from the outside of your house but no one is answering so I decided to write this letter.  Am I a little too late to ask you to be mine? I love you, Kwon Jae Ha. I hope someday our paths will meet again, but when that time comes I promise not to let you go. – Lu Han

FIN.

Finally, I've updated. It's the end now. ^^

I need to re-wacth the movie again to get back all the feels.

By the way, the movie I am talking about was "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" It was a great movie. If you haven't watch it yet, guess you have to see it because it is really worth the while. This is my own version of that movie and yea, hope you like it.

Leave a comment and tell me how you feel. (: