Namjoon sleepily stretches out his arm from under the blanket to shut the incessant buzzing noise that is taking away his precious rest. After struggling for ten minutes with his eyes shut, he succeeds in finding the ‘off’’ button. As if silence was not enough, Namjoon mercilessly slams the now-quiet alarm clock back onto its rightful place, and grunts frustratedly as he hears the glass surface cracks upon impact, yet again.

In his defense, he deserves to be extra grumpy this morning, since he could barely catch any sleep last night. He spent hours squirming in his bed and staring at the ceiling, trying, to no avail, to not think about that kiss—

-- Namjoon immediately sits up on his bed, eyes open wide.

Upon realizing that he has just waken up to the same thought he fell asleep with last night, Namjoon proceeds to violently scratch his head and pull his hair, while making the most inhuman grumbling sound in his throat.

“Ahhhh uuuuu... all-rye...?” Hoseok pokes his head out of the bathroom with a toothbrush in his mouth, asking nervously.

No. Namjoon is anything but alright. He feels... wrong.

Why? Why did he.... urghhhh.... he grimaces in regret when he recalls his own impulsive action.

Namjoon peeks at his phone screen – no texts, no phone calls – and sighs in relief. Maybe, maybe it was not as big a deal as he worries.

*

Up until the moment when he does up the last button on his barista uniform, Namjoon is still contemplating if he should have taken that day off, feigning sickness or maybe saying that he is having an important test the next day.

“C’mon, get it together Kim Namjoon! It is NOT a big deal.” Namjoon shakes his head “STOP. freaking. out.”

“Hey!”

Namjoon literally jumps and almost knocks down his locker’s door.

“Hi... Jin hyung...” He stutters.

“Are you... okay?” Jin asks, his eyebrows furrows.

If Jin is bothered by what happened last night at all, his face is not giving away any hints, even if just a tiny bit. He looks just like usual, calm, collected, and, with clearer eyes and drier eyelashes, definitely much better than how he did last night.

Jin’s unwavering eyes still look straight at Namjoon as he awaits the latter’s answer, who suddenly recalls how pretty those amber brown looked when they were just an inch from his face and immediately turns bright red.

“I... AM OKAY. See you later!”  Namjoon quickly darts out of the changing room before Jin’s hand can reach his forehead to check for his temperature. That would have been bad.

*

Namjoon spends the whole shift trying to evade Jin – good job not making it a big deal, Namjoon – and avoid any possible situtations when there will be only two of them together, which is easy because Jimin literally sticks around Jin all the times to make sure that his hyung is properly cheered up.

Their eyes do not meet even once, yet Namjoon’s effort to keep Jin out of his mind is futile. The slightest sound of the latter’s giggle will send his heart into some frantic beating.

By the end of the day, Namjoon decides that there is no use in evading the elephant in the room, and after Jin confided in him about what happened with Hyosang, it is too selfish of him to keep his friend at an arm’s length. Namjoon takes a deep breathe before pushing on the familiar wooden door.

“Hyung...”

“Not feel like avoiding me anymore?” Jin mocks. He drops the cigarette from his lip and turns back to look at Namjoon.

“Hyung, about yesterday...” Namjoon looks at anywhere but Jin’s eyes..

“Aah... yesterday...”

“... I just had a lot to drink and...” and he already feels his face burning hot.

“Hey, it’s okay...”

“... and... I just don’t know what I was thinking...”

“... Namjoon, it’s OKAY!...” Jin starts to smile, his smile gentle and forgiving.

NO, it’s NOT. It’s not okay and Jin doesn’t get it.

“Hyung! It’s not okay! I like girls!”

Jin falls quiet, as if taking a second to understand what Namjoon is saying.

“I mean, I date girls. I always have. I, I, I don’t know what happen yesterday. I drank too much. I’m sorry. I just, I just want to say I don’t feel that way about you, hyung.” Namjoon swallows, his heart is pounding against his ribcage and threatening to break through his chest.

He tries to read Jin’s face for reaction, and there is a faint sadness flashes through the elder’s face as the corner of his mouth drops. But Namjoon probably imagines it, because Jin breaks into loud laughter.

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA is that why you have been avoiding me? Do you think that I thought you LIKE me? HAHAHAHAHA... I am not such an easy guy, Kim Namjoon!”

Namjoon stares at Jin, who is still cracking up. He did not expect such response from his hyung at all.

“Don’t worry” Jin pats Namjoon’s shoulder, reading his thoughts yet again “It was nothing, really! I was so drunk that I didn’t even feel anything.”

Namjoon feels a strange stab somewhere in his chest, but the unexplained feeling is soon buried under waves of relief. Of course, it can’t mean anything, Namjoon is just being irrationally on edge and overthinking things. It must not mean anything, of course, of course.

“So... we’re okay?”

“Yeah, of course.” Jin smiles briefly, before his cigarette touches his lips again.

***

But Namjoon is not. The proximity upon which their friendship has been built is now killing him. He cannot stop thinking, imagining and feeling things that should not matter, that must not be real.

Like how eletricty buzzes through his body when their elbows knock.

Like how he feels Jin’s breath lingering on his lips when they share a cigarette.

Or like how his stomach turns into knots when their eyes accidentally meet and Jin flashes the usual smile his way while his neck suddenly feels warmer.

They should not matter at all, because it is not the first time his heart skips a beat and his blood flutters because of Jin.

One in a while, the flickering sunlight of late afternoon falls on Jin’s face at just the right angle, twinkling in his eyes, fading away at the corner of his lips, and Namjoon will have to bite back his tongue to stop himself from gasping out loud.

Or when Jin answers the unspoken questions in Namjoon’s mind, while patting his head knowingly. Namjoon can’t help but wonder at the back of his mind if he has ever felt so complete, so at ease with the world - which is more often than not apathetic and unforgiving. He smiles to that thought, while making noises and pretending that he does not like the way the warmth of Jin’s soft palm brushes against his scalp.

Or how his chest tightens, how his ribcage can barely hold his bursting heart in place, how his hands twitch from the urge to reach out, every time he catches a glimpse of Jin, the real, vunerable yet all the more beautiful Jin, through the cracks of his hardened shell, through the rare moments when he lets his guard down in front of Namjoon.

Yes, Jin has sent his heart into incomprehensible frantic beating before, has made him feel things, things that have been brushed aside because friends care for each other and that’s all Namjoon needs to know.

Until that kiss.

Nothing changes and yet everything changes. Namjoon is being shoved by a pair of invisible hands into the dark corner he does not want to visit, forced to face a question that he has been running from, despite the fact that he does not have the courage to look closely and find the explanation to the spark, the warmth, and the muddled thoughts at night.

Whatever that kiss means, Namjoon is not ready to know.

“Hahaha... what is this? Is it supposed to be a monkey?” Jin’s laugh echos in Namjoon’s ears.

“I made latte art of your face hyuuuuung...” Jimin makes a face and whines at his unappreciated work.

“Awwwwww...” Jin pulls his cute dongsaeng in for a hug “Why are you so sweet today Jiminnieeeeee?”

Jin’s nuzzles his chin on the top of the younger boy’s head. Jimin’s ruffled hair can’t even hide the wide grin on his face.

And it should not bother Namjoon, but he finds his grip tightening around the cleaning cloth as he looks away.

***

Namjoon watches in silence as Jin presses the lock on the door.

“Alright! Done! Let’s go!” Jin pulls up the zipper of his jacket.

Autumn is almost over, and the early winter brings with it the solemn grey sky and scatters chilly breezes that make unlucky pedestrians shiver. School girls, unwilling to part with their short skirts and thin blouses, are pulling each other closer for warmth. Everyone is shying away from the cold, yet Namjoon skin burns under his shirt every time their shoulders brush.

Namjoon wants to ask Jin whether he slept well at night, whether he is feeling better, but the words get lost somewhere between the end of his throat and the tip of his tongue. Lurking in his head is the inescapable memory of the kiss.

“Stop thinking about it!”

And Jin does it again, reading Namjoon’s thoughts. Namjoon kicks himself inside – he is supposed to be looking out for Jin instead, and not the other way around.

“Uhm... how are you hyung?”

“I’m... okay.” Jin shrugs “I made my point pretty clear yesterday, so Hyosang did not text or call me anymore. Also, with all the silly things that Jimin has done today, it would be heartless of me to stay sad.”

Jin chuckles, but his smile does not reach his eyes.

Stop worrying about us and start caring about yourself, hyung. Namjoon thinks in his head, hoping that Jin will be able to read it again, because the words still get stuck in his throat.

“That’s good.” is all he can mutter.

In that split moment, Namjoon sees the light in Jin’s eyes flicker out, and his shoulders hunch up subtly, as if there was a wind telling him that winter is coming.

Jin has never felt so far away. And the walk to their bus stop has never seem so long.

***

Hoseok frowns as he looks around their living room. He picks up one of the hundreds of crumpled paper scattering on the floor and and try to decipher the scribbles on it. He inadvertedly sighs.

“Namjoon... did you spend the whole day trying to write lyrics?”

Namjoon is lying on the couch like a dead fish, his face sinking into the cushion and his long limbs lying lifelessly at his side. Hoseok would have freaked out if it wasn’t for his friend’s muffled response.

“...eah...”

“How come you don’t stay back at the cafe to write anymore?”

“... I... can’t focus there...”

“Well, it doesn’t look like you can focus here either.” Hoseok sits down on the arm rest “And Yoongi hyung asks if you’re feeling better, since you called in sick this morning. Apparently you are not.”

Namjoon grumbles obscure words as he slowly gets up. He wasn’t lazy. He just needs a break.

The past two week has been miserable. Namjoon meets Jin every day but they are not the same anymore, and he just misses them so much, too much that every time he looks at Jin, he is reminded of how badly he screwed up. He hates himself for being too coward to push the wooden door, to send the already typed out text, and to stop and face his feelings instead of running away.

**

“What happened between the two of you?” Taehyung asked - nothing ever escapes his observant eyes - and quickly added before Namjoon could come up with something to answer “Whatever I don’t think I need to know. But, just, you know, don’t hurt Jin hyung.”

**

Namjoon winces as he recalled Taehyung’s confrontation yesterday. Hurting Jin would be the last thing on his mind. But is his selfishness and cowardice making things difficult for his hyung? Does Jin miss having Namjoon beside him as much as it is killing Namjoon to admit that he hopes his hyung does?

“I think I know what you need!” Namjoon tiredly looks up at his friend.

Hoseok reaches into his pocket and produces a pair of concert tickets.

“I am supposed to hang out with my friend Soyeon today but, wait listen to me first, you take my place. I think you just run out of inspiration because you are trapped between these four walls. So go out, have a date, it will help!”

“Hoseok, I am not really...”

“Namjoon, look at yourself! Your mind has been anywhere but in your body lately. Trust me, you need this.” Hoseok pushes the tickets into his friend’s hand “You still owe me some house chores! Do this and I will write them off!”

Namjoon sighs, staring at the two pieces of papers in his hand. Maybe Hoseok is right, maybe he needs to go out and have fun, to take his mind of things, of... someone.

***

Namjoon sneezes. This is a stupid idea. It is always a stupid idea to get out of the house in the middle of winter.

He shivers while trying to pull his beanie even lower and shrinks his neck even deeper into the thick scarf. It is ten minutes before the show starts, and from what he can remember about his ex girlfriend, girls will not show up unless they are already ten minutes late. It takes Namjoon just one more skin-biting winter breeze to decide that he should visit the nearby convenience store for shelter, and maybe to get some warm coffee while waiting.

Namjoon is at the counter waiting for his change when something catches his eyes.

He blinks twice.

“Hoseok, I am so sorry. I can’t go on this date. I have something urgent...”

“What the hell are you saying? Soyeon is already on the way.  Wait, what? What is going on? WHY ARE YOU RUNNING?”

“I... sorry...” Namjoon says between his pants “There is somewhere... I... need to... go...”

He slips his phone back into his pocket, not letting his friend asking for a proper explanation.

-end of chapter 4-

A/N: I am so sorry for taking so long to update. I had an event over the weekend, which did not only take up time but also leave me exhausted and unspired afterwards =__= Do leave comments and let me know what you think about Namjoon's development in this chapter ^^ I was rather concerned when I wrote this, about misrepresenting or stereotyping things... I hope it worked out :)