*please see the end of this chapter for notes :)

The tip of his pen fleets across the page, words pouring out too quick for the ink to dry. Ideas are shooting out from his head like unstoppable bullets, bumping down to his fingers, which are gripping even more tightly to his writing instrument in order to stop himself from shaking in excitement.

Namjoon loves this, the feeling he has been missing, the ecstasy of being able to plant compelling words on blank paper, the pleasure of losing control yet having tremendous power at the same time. This, this may be it, after weeks of searching and thinking, this may be the verse that will clinch him the top spot in the competition.

The thoughts about winning have been consuming him, occupying his mind when he is awake and clouding his dreams when he isn't. He daydreams about actually being there in New York, feeling the beat in his vein just by breathing in the air, or walking down the long streets where legends were born. He even thinks about the possibility of standing in the same studio with Kayne - and god, maybe even Eminem.

And just imagine how his parents will react, what they will say, when he finally proves how wrong they were.

Namjoon wants it, so badly that every heartbeat just seems to ascertain his yearning.

.

However, despite the fire that is bursting in his heart, Namjoon decides not to tell anyone, not even his crew mates, not even Jin. He would not be able to handle all their expectation, especially when he is barely able to manage his own. Maybe he will tell them, once he already has a concrete polished work in hand.

Namjoon lifts his pen off the paper and exhales sharply, looking at the lines he has just filled his lyrical canvas with, wearing a satisfied smile. He quietly mumbles the words, fingers tapping to a beat audible only to his ears.

Namjoon feels a pair of eyes watching closely from over his shoulder, so he turns around.

"What are you writing, hyung?"

Jimin's eyes are glued to the scribbles scattered all over Namjoon’s notebook, his hands still wiping the coffee cups like an automated machine.

"I am, err, working on some rap verses." Namjoon tugs the work in progress in his pocket, away from the curious dongsaeng. He doesn't usually show others his lyrics, unless he has already spent days refining words and perfecting rhythm. Anything before that is unworthy of viewing.

"So, erm, who is that guy who came to meet Jin hyung?" Namjoon attempts at changing the topic.

"Oh, Hyosang hyung? He is Jin hyung's boyfriend." Jimin says, matter-of-factly as he places the last cup carefully on the rack.

"Jin hyung's... what?"

"BANG"

A loud noise interrupts them, quickly followed by someone's shouting.

"Just leave! Just ing leave!"

Jimin and Namjoon stare at each other in horror for a split second, before the latter rushes to the back of the cafe. The undeniable edge in Jin's voice worries him.

He bumps into Hyosang at the door, and the guy does not even glance back. Namjoon could not care less. His eyes search around the dark storage room until he spots the familiar silhouette, head down and shoulder shivering. His chest tightens.

"Hyung..."

But nothing replies him except the desperate sobs, the terrifying sound of an overwhelming sadness that nothing can hold back.

Jimin bursts through the door from behind him, stops for a moment as he sees Jin's back shaking. The kid says nothing. He just runs over and throws his arms around the elder's body.

Namjoon freezes up. He remembers the hollowness in his hyung's eyes, the ghostly pain and hopelessness that silently begs for others' protection, someone's, maybe Jimin's, or maybe... his. He is dying to come up with something, anything, to say that can make Jin feel better, but his smart mouth refuses to work and his brain is not cooperating. Namjoon tenses his jaw and grits his teeth, his hand uselessly fists up by his side.

Maybe he should walk over, maybe he should…

"... I'll... do the cleaning up today." but he turns back and leaves them by themselves instead, since he does not know what to say and his palm is hurting from his finger nails that are cutting into his skin.

That afternoon passes in insufferable quietness. Even Taehyung, the walking encyclopaedia of random anime facts, just silently tidies up his station and only leaves, though very reluctantly, when he is already 15-minute late for his tutoring job.

Not long afterwards, Jimin and Jin emerges from the storage room, and while the kid asks to stay, Jin insists that Jimin goes to his dance rehearsal instead, and reassures unconvincingly that he is alright.

In the end, Namjoon walks Jin home, but he still knows not what to say or what to do or whether to ask about what happened or just to offer a hug. He glances at Jin's swollen eyes, the puffy red skin underneath that are still damp from the tears, and he can’t help wishing that he could gently run his thumbs over it to sooth the pain.

"Namjoon, are you free for a drink?" Jin’s hoarse voice breaks his thought.

"Yeah."

*

They stop by a small street-side shop that is just around the corner from Jin’s apartment. Apart from them, there is only a group of middle-aged men in business suits sitting in the opposite corner, blabbering tipsily about the ups and downs of the economy. Namjoon is grateful for the quietness, in case Jin wants to talk.

The first fifteen minutes of their “conversation” consists of Namjoon’s worriedly looking at his hyung in silence, while Jin knocks down cup after cup of soju, seeming to notice his company’s presence only after emptying the first bottle.

“Oh... sorry Namjoon...”

“It’s okay hyung... It’s good that… you are rehydrating yourself.”

Jin lets out of soft chuckle at Namjoon’s lame attempt at making a joke, and the younger feels a little relieved.

“I made such a mess today, didn’t I?” Jin sighs, staring at his reflection at the bottom of his cup.

“If I was me, I would have given our cafe a good reason to buy new kitchenware.”

And Jin snorts.

“Aren’t you going to ask me to tell you what happened?”

“Depends on whether you will say yes.”

Jin’s lips curve up to form a sad smirk, as he asks for another two bottles.

Jimin got it wrong. Technically, Hyosang is Jin’s ex, past tense, supposed to be all forgotten and buried deep within Jin’s deep dark corner of unwanted memory. They first met when Jin took up the bartender job at a club Hyosang often performs at. After his first day at work, Jin found a piece of napkin stuffed into his back pocket without his knowing, which he tossed away without even looking at the phone number written inside, but that just gave its owner all the more a good reason to inquire why the next time they met. Talk about being smooth.

When Jin and Hyosang got together, they were never quite soulmates, but Jin found in Hyosang the recluse he had been aching for, a much-needed distraction from his own depressing reality. The stolen kisses behind the bar with his fingers in Hyosang’s hair, the lazy Saturday wasted on playing games and taking naps, the spontaneous picnics in the living room with pizza and tasteless wine, and the hot nights ended in tangled bedsheets – slowly, those moments became the only joy that Jin knew, and Hyosang became the drug that make him feel alive. His eyes sparked life when Hyosang was around, but his body weakened the lonely nights he did not come back to their apartment.

His lover never once asked him about his past, and his unbothered attitude means that Hyosang couldn’t care less about the troubles in Jin’s life, but why would Jin want that when the point was to forget, to leave everything behind, in the first place? He could deal with crying himself to sleep sometimes, as long as Hyosang would come back the next day to take the pain away. He convinced himself that it was enough, what he had with Hyosang, it must be enough.

The night they broke up, Jin was shaking in Hyosang’s arms, his lips were urgent and his heart was even more demanding. It was yet another casting failed and Jin needed something, someone that does not make him feel worthless. And he knew Hyosang would not ask but Jin was needing him, needing his drug, the only drug that could numb his pain.

And, he blurted it out, wedged in between teeth and tongue.

Jin remembers Hyosang blinked at him, lips pressed in a thin line; and he remembers delving into the cold brown eyes, desperately seeking and begging, but his 4-letter words was never reciprocated.

Jin remembers falling helplessly into a dark bottomless pit, his breath ripped from lungs and his heart shattered.

And no, Namjoon, Jin did not hate Hyosang for being unable to return his love. Jin hated him because the very night Jin confessed, Hyosang packed his bags, he was leaving to grow his career in a faraway promised land, saying that he was just about to tell Jin before, you know, everything,

and that he never meant for their relationship to be “that” way anyway.

It took Jin one year to get the drug out of his system, and now, the last thing he needs is a ghost from the past to come back and haunt him.

“I am more broken than you thought, Namjoon.” Jin chuckles sadly as he fumbles around for his apartment’s key. “Not so pretty anymore now, am I?”

Namjoon stares at the feigned smile that doesn’t reach Jin’s glassy eyes.

“You are stronger than I thought.”

Jin stops for a second and turns to face Namjoon. His eyes widen in disbelief, because how can someone see anything beautiful, anything worth admiring in the train wreck that is he.

And Namjoon sees it again. Behind the damp eyelashes, behind the specks of amber-brown, there is something hurt and broken, something quietly calling and asking from the shadow of the tough surface, something Namjoon wants to fix, and he will.

Namjoon moves before he knows what he is doing.

When he opens his eyes, their bodies are pressed together, his large hands are cupping Jin’s face, whose breath is now brushing against his cheek.

He is kissing Jin.

-end of chapter 3-

A/N: there is a new character - Hyosang. Well, I have to confessed that I don't know anything about Kidoh at all, I have no ideas what his personalities are like. SO, honestly, 'Hyosang' character in this fic is pretty much like an... original character. So if you are a fan of Kidoh, I'm sorry if he is really OOC here. ^^