Cozy wind blows by, tickling my frozen cheek. Birds can never be seen in this kind of season, except for crows. Crows never fear winter. I wear on my warm gloves that my best friend gave me years ago, taking a seat on the bench in a park, waiting for my best friend to appear, taking me out for a little hang out. 

He's never busy, he's just busy with his girlfriend a.k.a soon-to-be wife. 

He was busy planning on the wedding: what should the bride wears, what menu he should prepare for the customers, which ball room he should hold, and plus, what am I going to help him. 

Whenever it comes to dealing with girls, he would come and beg me to help him, tho my love experience is worse than his. You might think that, 'oh, surely his girlfriend will be jealous for being so close with her boyfriend' or 'she'll be mad at me for always bugging her boyfriend', or so I think you might think of that, but apparently she wasn't. She likes my presence, that I can make him look more protective to his girlfriend despite that I would mock him and his girlfriend non-stop. 

Me and my best friend haven't hang out for almost a month, but we still manage to have phone calls with each other. He always complains about how his boss keeps on throwing him endless assignments; he is just way too smart to handle those things. He complains about how he was stressed out with the —absolutely headache— marriage stuffs recently. He would just complains and I would be just sitting there, listening to his complains. 

He always said I'm a great listener, and I just shruggle off; I'm actually not a good listener, I just like to listen to him talking, that's the only thing I can make sure that he trusts me. 

Maybe I won't ever get any phone calls anymore after when the wedding ends. 

We known each other for almost our whole life time, since we started to brush each other's teeth in the bath tub, taking bubble bath with our babysitter. 

He tells me a lot of things: about what he called our English teacher 'shorty monster freak', which girl he likes, he trolled his football teammates by scaring them with a white towel, what present he should buy for his girlfriend a.k.a my other friends... 

I just miss those days. 

Missing those days that we were just purely best friends. 

I don't actually know when did I started liking him, or should I say, fell in love with him. 

I don't have much love experience, well, it's actually zero experience. 

Guys do confess to me, I got myself admires, but I never really accept one. He would always ask me, why won't I accept them? I would always jongkingly reply, 'because I already have one', and then we started to laugh out loud like there's no tomorrow. That time, I really didn't like him, and I just see him as my best friend. The unbreakable best buddies.

Want to know how we really become best friends? Well, clichè story. He just looks pretty. Yupe, you got nothing wrong, he looks pretty, prettier than any girls, and so he got bullied by other boys when we're still little kids, still talking baby languages, and I appeared and saved him. 

I don't know why, whenever I'm alone, I will think of the old days we spent together. So, that's love, huh? 

I stupidly smiled and heard a voice hits me. 

"What are you laughing at? You do know that your mental problem has worsen since I last time saw you." He points his head with his right index finger, mockingly said. "You're late, manly deer." I still laugh, not caring about what he said. 

"I know, sorry. I'm just a bit busy. You know, the wedding." Talking about his wedding, I could nearly stab myself. How I wish the bride was me. I wouldn't be like one of those boys in drama, rushes to his love one's wedding to stop the ceremony. Okay, dramatic much. 

I will wish you to be happy forever, Bambi. 

"Hey, are you listening? You've spaced out recently." I look back at him, seeing him waving his hand in front of me like a weirdo. Oh, I'm the weirdo here. "Is there anything bothering you?" Yup, you're the one bothers in my mind. 

I shook my head and push him forward. "Let's go, it's freezing here." 

We walk into a coffee shop and order our usual drinks. We usually will exchange drinks, and we didn't do that for a long time ago, I think it's since he started to have relationship with other girls. 

I just don't really like the girls he likes, his first girlfriend was really y, but was really y; his second girlfriend was cute, but she just can't stop acting cute; his third girlfriend was really a person who got jealous easily.  This time, I don't know if I should judge his present girlfriend. She might be a flawless, but sometimes I feel something's not right with her. 

Maybe I just think too much. 

"Hey, you're spacing out again." I blink and he chuckles. He straighten his face again. "Is there anything wrong? You're not yourself anymore." 

I mouthed him 'I'm okay', he seems to not pleased for my answer but just shurggles off. 

He started the conversation about how his boss compliment him for successfully got signed on the paper with China and will soon to upgrade to another high level for his job and later on I don't know how we ended up talking about his marriage. 

Sometimes I felt uneasy when we're talking about his marriage. It really hurts, am I really that selfish to not let go? I already wished him to be happy. 

"Hey Luhan, did you invite Miss Amy? 'Miss Shorty Monster Freak' to your wedding?" I laugh and he chuckles softly, nodded. "You still remember what I called her, huh?" 

"Of course, I always remember." I smile and take a sip of my drink. I always remember what you told me. "Huh?" He looks at me with misunderstanding eyes. What did I just say? "You still remember Jason? My admire? I saw him yesterday at the mall, and guess what, he's married." I drag off the topic. 

"What?! Oh man, he dumped hundreds of girls and now he's married?!" Luhan's jaw can nearly eats my whole body. 

"Well, everyone will get married." I poke his jaw then he closes his jaw back. "So, when will you get married?" He suddenly asked. I was a bit taken aback about his sudden questioned. I never thought about marrying someone. I never thought about marriage. 

Maybe is because I know I won't be Luhan's, so I never think about it. 

Luhan, just the guy I always wanted to be, but never be together. 

I would like to remain friends, I'm sure friendships are more capable than love. 

"Yah, pabo. Do you have any guys you like? I can introduce you one." I shook my head. Why didn't you ever notice the person that has never experience in any relationship is because the person likes you? 

I'm really mad at him, but sometimes my anger will immediately cool down, he was just too gentle and ...

Too Luhan. 

"I already have one." I said and laughed, but he didn't laugh along with me this time. "I'm getting married, princess. It won't be the same anymore. I won't always call you and say, 'hey, let's hang out today!' or keep on telling you secrets anymore. Everything will be a whole lot different after the marriage. I don't want to see you getting old without your partner by your side, princess." I can see pasion in his eyes. 

The only thing I can make sure right now; 

He is just my best friend. 

My one and only best friend. 

"Yah, doofus." He reaches out his hand, and gives a light squeeze on my hand —which it puts right on the table— and gives me an apologetic smile. "I know things aren't the same anymore. You have to get used to my presence. My long gone presence." 

Tears started to flow up in my eyes, I slip my hand off his and cover my face by laying on the table. I don't want to let him see me cry. He doesn't like girls crying. 

He called my nickname: doofus, pabo, princess, weirdo; then he called my real name. He only calls my name when he's worry or mad. 

"You're the doofus here, Luhan. Wh-what long gone, presence? Yo-you're acting like- like you're having cancer." I mumble under my breath, and I know he heard it. I quietly sniffles and my tears starting to flowing out from my eyes. I still did not look up. 

"No, I don't have cancer. I'm just, you know. I won't look for you again like the old days, calling you every night to tell you secrets and getting your opinions, we can't be like that anymore. You need to get yourself a life, without me." 

I cried even more. 

We were never like this, we talk about future, but was never in this statement. 

We never talk about marriage. 

I want to be with you, Luhan. But you love someone instead of me. I don't want to be selfish. I always act normal in front of you, whenever you're whispering in your girlfriend's ears, kissing right on her lips, telling about how you really like her in front of me, I always smile sweetly and mocking on you, but you don't know deep inside, my heart is bleeding. Even though without a knife it still automatically bleeds. 

I know, we're just best friends. 

Best friends that won't break up, just like other couples. 

"Hey." Luhan reaches to my hand. "I will always be there, even though I'm not by your side." 

Shut up, Luhan. 

"Please, we're best friends, aren't we?" 

No, Luhan. I wish we are more than best friends. 

Luhan called my name, but I didn't respond. I really hate him right now, but I hate myself more. Why would I love a person that surely won't love me back? This is pathetic. 

The dumbest choice. 

"Let's not talk for awhile, please." I said, still not looking up. I don't want him to see my crying face. I never let him see. 

I heard Luhan leaving his seat. I'm sure he's leaving now. He will leave me alone when I'm sad. He knows me too much. We know each other too much. 

I sit up straight once I feel his presence is gone. 

I decided not to confess to him. Even though there's a chance, I won't. 

Even though there's only one day to live, I still won't. 

I just want to be with him, as a best friend. That should be enough for me.

From now on. I guess. 

It's the third week since me and Luhan didn't talk. Well, we did text to each other, but neither the both of us really talk to each other. Neither one of us did call each other. 

I still manage to attend his wedding. I wear on a white short dress that Luhan bought it for me when it's our last year of high school. We had a prom and we went to buy our clothes for the prom. 

I still remember that time when we're choosing his torso, a sales lady said we look great together. I remeber we both laughed and Luhan admited about I'm his girlfriend, and we both laughed like there's no tomorrow. 

I did not like him, that day, I never like him. 

But I proven wrong. 

I never know that I always love him. This is just way too rediculous. I get to date with a guy I admired at my first year in college but broke up within a week, and the reason is: he once bumped into Luhan and both of them fell, I went to help Luhan instead of him. 

Okay, like seriously, this just prove that I really love Luhan?

NOT REALLY. 

There's a lot of reason why did I found I that I love Luhan, there's too much reasons. And he never knows. 

Me and the other guests went into the church to hear the priest announce their official marriage. 

I sit on the second row of the bench and waited for the bride to step in to the hall. Luhan appears from the side door, he didn't look up, I'm sure he's nervous. 

The ceremony begins and music started playing, the hall room's gigantic door opens widely and a beautiful and graceful woman steps in, clinging her hand on a man's arm. Luhan bitterly smiles and he bites his lower lips. 

You'll do fine, Luhan. I'm sure you will. 

The bride stands beside Luhan and gives him a soft smile, but Luhan just forces a smile. I can see he's forcing. Isn't he happy? I thought he's happy. I thought he's happy he finally can be with the girl he loves. 

The priest started to announce the speech and when he asks Luhan if he agrees the marriage, he looks away from the priest and the bride, looking back. Slowly, he landed his eyes on me. 

My heart skips a beat but I manage to give him slightly nod. And a best friend smile. I try to hold back my tears, and then his name was called. The priest asked him again and Luhan looks at the bride, then me again. 

I don't know what happen to him, but I mouthed him a yes. He slowly tilts his head back and looks at the bride. 

The mute Luhan didn't take long to not talk, he finally said a yes and smiled. 

I was actually relief for hearing that. He won't know anything, and get along with the happiness, without me. 

The priest then asks the bride if she agrees the marriage, but long silence take place. I don't know if the time just suddenly stops and the whole thing was just me moving and watching them staring at each other for a long time like this was a on purpose matter. It was just like, it's telling me how hurt it is to see the one you love, was actually in love with another person, and the person wasn't you. 

The bride finally opens , ready to give out her answer. 

"No." 

It wasn't all I expected. 

These things wasn't all I expected. 

People around the hall gasp, looking at the bride with wide eyes, like she's insane. Going nuts. 

And she really is. 

"Sorry people, the wedding's canceled." It was what the bride said. The bride actually didn't glance at Luhan's way but mine. She signals me to go out with her when she makes her way out of the hall. 

I manage to get out, but Luhan holds my wrist, I turn back to see him. He doesn't smile, or look sad. It's blank. "Please," he swallowed his saliva, the way he talks like he's going to break down any second but instead I feel like he really needs me right now. "Please, don't go. I need you." 

I really want to stay and forget about what she signalled me just now, but I feel like, I'm the cause of this. 

I shoved his hand away and pat his shoulder. "I'll be right back, just wait a sec'." People were staring at the two of us, and I don't know what to do but act naturally, like we used to spent time with each other, with that kind of feel but apparently that's not how we both feel right now. 

Luhan nods and covers his face, feeling helpless. 

I never see him like this. I know he really loves her. He only acts like this whenever he got into an arguement with her back then. 

I'm really clueless for what she had decided. I ran out of the hall and saw her sitting at the outside bench, freezing herself. I took my scarf off and wrap around her, but she shoves it off. I was quite surprise for what she's doing right now. She never treated me like that. 

She glares at me and I just glance back, for a second I couldn't react when heat rushes to my right cheek. I didn't touch my cheek, but instead of crying, my tears didn't rush up, and I just stare at her, figuring out what she was planning next. 

It was a staring contest. We just stare at each other —but actually I'm the one staring and she's glaring at me— for a long time and both of us didn't speak. 

Her lips were turning a little purple, and I know deep inside she's freezing. She's always afraid of cold and I don't know why now she's challenging herself. 

"You do know how to play games with Luhan." She said, a little smirk plastered on her face. Her shoulders turn a little stiff made she hardly moves. "I don't know what are you talking about." That's all I could answer because I really don't know. 

I really want to help her, but she denies it. "You're getting yourself freezing to death." I said, picking up the scarf on the floor, but she slaps my hand away when I was about to reach the scarf to her shoulder. "I don't need you're help, just off! Get out of me and Luhan's life! He doesn't even love you! Why are you trying so hard to act like it's the most not obvious thing! Get a life!" She shouted. 

"I know what happen to you and Luhan before, but aren't your heart was suppose to be more strong than ever?" It's almost like an answer more than a question. How I wish I didn't exist, how I wish everything was just so smooth that I was just an audience, watching them going through their suffers, and how I wish, I wasn't in love with Luhan, in love with my best friend. 

"I thought we're friends." I said, almost like a murmur. I'm sure she heard it clearly because I got another slap from her. Her slap was so hard that I almost trip myself to the cold floor. "Well, from now on, we're not." 

I look at her, waiting for her to speak. 

She started crying. She suffers too much, and it's all because of me. She knows I love Luhan, and I told her not to tell Luhan and pretend she didn't know. She just suffers too much, she can't pretend forever, I really feel sorry for her. But what can I do? I'm a coward that just cause troubles but can't solve problems. 

"I'm sorry, really sorry." I said. I don't know when I have the courage to apologise, but she doesn't look pleased for my apologise. 

"I rather you die than apologise." That's the only thing she said. And she's right, I shouldn't exist. I shouldn't appear to Luhan and her life. It's all because of me, so their marriage aren't successful. 

It's all my fault. 

I changed my phone number, moved out from the city since the day. I purposely lost contacts with everyone. I need some peace and clear off my mind. I need fresh air. 

I moved to another country which probably no one can find me, especially Luhan. I rent a room at a penthouse who owned by an old lady who drives a red Ferrari. She owns a huge pastry and I asked to help her. She takes care of me well. I've been staying for almost three months and nothing unusual happen. 

The next day was usual, I woke up and prepare myself breakfast before heading to the pastry to help the old lady. The day was a little chilly, just some little customer roaming around choosing their food, so I decided to read 'Paper Valentines' to waste my time. 

"Yah, homeless girl," the old lady called. Three months ago I was asking for a place to stay and I requested for doing works for her instead of paying the money, She thought I'm poor and didn't have a home, so she decided to call me 'homeless girl' instead of my real name. I look at her from my book and she was playing Candy Crush with her IPad. "People was always asking, if you're single?" 

I press my lips and nod. I don't know if she sees me, but I just nod. Yes, I'm single. "'Cause the mayor's son is looking for a girlfriend, he's twenty-four, if you're wondering." Luhan is twenty-four too, but he's not a mayor's son. "Why? You want me to marry him?" I raised an eyebrow, closing my book. 

"Well, you're not young anymore, you're in the age of marriage already." 

"Well, twenty-four years old seems too young for me." I open my book again, ignoring her laughs. She's always a weird person to be with, and she doesn't even sound like an old lady when it comes to have a converstation together. She's a childish and yet a wise woman. 

"Do you have a guy in your mind then?" I paused. I look at her, she's still looking at her IPad. "Who's the lucky guy?" I didn't admit anything, but she can read my mind. I do have this guy in mind, but he loves someone. "Well, he still doesn't know, huh?" She finally looks at me. She's staring right at my eyes, and I stare back. 

"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacles." I still stare at her, I didn't understand what is she talking about. "It's a quote, from Chirstian D. Larson." She said. "If you want to get the guy's heart, you'll have to make a move." 

I press my lips. Not that I didn't, I did but he seems to shurggle off. He doesn't even notice. All I'm doing, he just consider as a best friend matter. "Oh c'mon, you can always tell me." She takes her IPad off, turning her whole body to me. 

I just shook my head, "It's complicated." 

"There might be something clear inside complicate." She said. "I'm satisfied to see that you did have someone you love, but I would be more satisfied if you make a move." 

So I started to talk to her about Luhan. It's weird to see that the old lady stays silent this time without stopping me —because she usually did— and I think she had a lot of experience with love although she doesn't have a husband. 

The usual day was just so usual, and the daily routine just keep on repeating, I close the pastry door when the old lady drives her Ferrari away to somewhere else. She gave me money to prepare myself dinner. I think I'm already used to this kind of loneliness ever since I was born, but today I feel really lonely. 

Maybe I miss Luhan. I finally decided to went back to the city after the conversation with the old lady, but I don't think I'm brave enough to face the reality. Maybe Luhan finally did marry to my friend, and maybe they're cuddling in their new apartment right now. 

Oh well then, I'm always a loner anyway, what's the big difference? I decided to eat my last dinner over here and head back to the city the next morning. I will begin with a new life, without anyone. 

Things were going smoothly. I didn't bump into anyone I know since I have come back to my usual place. I went back to where I stayed and met my landlord. He said Luhan comes here everyday two months ago, to make sure if I was back, but he just gave up after coming over for almost a month. 

I felt disappointed, but on the other side I was glad. Maybe he decided to kick me out from his life. 

The second week when I came back, I met her. Although I think she doesn't want to see me tho she did see me, I barely smile at her. She gives me a slighly nod. 

"So, you're back." She said. Her voice doesn't sound like a tease, in fact, it sounded more like a relief. "Everyone was looking for you, they thought you're dead." You want me dead too. I give her a smile and was ready to leave, she grabs my wrist. "Luhan's been drinking ever since you left." 

I froze. This is not what I'm suppose to hear. "And you know what I found out?" 

"I don't want to know about it. We have nothing connected to each other." I want to pull off my wrist from her, but she was just being nice, and I sounded so rude. "To him, both of you are connected." 

I wish I didn't come back. Why does she have to talk about him? 

"Why don't we have a little chat on the cafe? My treat." And I agreed. 

We took a seat beside a ceiling window, I sit at the corner and she 

I thought she forgot my favourite drink, but apparently she didn't, and I'm glad to know that she forgives me. 

"Although we didn't get to be together, but we still remain friends." I don't know why but she starts a conversation like this. Is she trying to make me jealous or was I thinking too much? "Luhan called me that night when you're gone for over a week. He was drunk." She takes a sip of her drink slowly before continues. She's dragging the time. 

"Yah, pabo! Why did you leave?! I'm searching for you, everywhere, every places we spent time together, but you weren't there. You know how much I love you, but I can't love you." She suddenly said. "That's what he said that night. Since then, I know he loves you. He loves you more than he loves me." 

No, he isn't. 

He doesn't love me, he said he doesn't love me. 

"I was heart broken and I know I can't win his heart back, he finally stops drinking a month ago but he still space out sometimes. He turns into another person, he doesn't smile anymore. He did smile, but it's so fake and obvious." 

I suddenly saw a figure appears from the ceiling window. I shift my gaze and saw him. The person I don't want to see but wish to see. 

"Well, I guess both of you need some little talk here. So I'll be going now." She said and grabs her bag. I stand up too, but Luhan came in and he quickly hugs me tightly. "Luhan," I said breathlessly. "Let go." He hugs me so tight I can barely smell his fresh-smelled cologne. 

"I won't let you go anymore. You're the most important girl in my life, I won't let you run away anymore." 

He hugs even tighter. I feel comfortable of his hug. How long have I not having skinships with him? How long do we didn't hug each other? I barely remember. 

"Don't run away from me anymore, princess." He tucks some strains of my hair behind my ear after letting me go from his embrace. His touch is so soft and gentle. Please Luhan, don't do this anymore. 

I don't want to fall for you again. 

I don't want to get hurt again. 

He slowly moves forward. He's trying to kiss me. 

I press my finger on his lips, he stares at me, and I started crying. I can't take it anymore. I don't want to be so tough in front of him anymore. I'm fragile, like any other girls. 

He grabs my hand and we left the cafe.

Luhan leads me to his car and opens the door for me. Once he had settle me, he steps into the driver seats. 

I stopped crying, but tears are all over my cheek. I didn't dare to wipe it off. I can't move because Luhan is watching me. 

He suddenly grabs my cheek and kisses me on the lips. It's so passionate and smooth, but I cried again. We kissed for a moment before he broke the kiss. 

"Why did you run away?" He asked, wiping off my tears. 

"I'm sorry." That's the only thing I could say. "Come here." He pulls me into his embrace and my head lays on his chest, his hands were locked onto my back. We stayed like that for a moment. 

We both talked, but neither the both of us look at each other. 

"Hey, Luhan," I broke away the hug, eyes looking right on his. "What is it?" I press my lips. I wish we could be together, but a part of me wish we won't. 

"Promise me." I said, showing my pinky finger. "We'll always be best friends, promise?" 

"Why? Isn't this what you always wanted? To be with me? And now I finally clear things up that I'm madly in love with you, why couldn't we be together?" Luhan was a little disappointed and sad, but he tries to cover it off. 

"Things are just complicated, can we make things clearer? I wish we could still remain friends. I mean, best friends." 

Luhan stayed silence for a moment. He looks a little broken, but he manage to find his pieces back together. 

"So," I raise my pinky finger in front of him. "We will always be best friends, promise?" 

He looks at my finger, and then my eyes. He finally smiles and intertwined his pinky fingers with mine. 

"Promise." 

Author's Note; 

Hey guys! Sorry for the late update! I was really really busy although I did online every day, but I manage to write it down when an idea pops up. And I know the ending sounds so rush —it's absoulutely rush— and you're not satisfied with this, and I'm so sorry if it actually failed you. So I hope you will like it since I'm not really good at writing and I'm still improving it. So, thanks for reading. I don't mind if you give an upvote. I'll be very thankful!