AS YOU CAN SEE IN THE TITLE, THIS CHAPTER HAS A TRIGGER ALERT SO ANYONE WHO IS TRIGGERED BY SELF-HARM OR ABUSE, HERE IS YOUR WARNING. I DON'T WANT TO CAUSE ANY ANXIETY ATTACKS! UNLESS I JUST DID BY TYPING THE WORDS. I DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND HOW THAT WORKS BUT  IF THAT IS THE CASE THEN IM SO SORRY. I REALLY DID TRY THOUGH.  IF YOU NEED TO SKIP THIS CHAPTER, BUT STILL WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, JUST PM AND I'LL TELL YOU IN WAAAYY LESS DETAIL. OKAY ONTO THE STORY NOW. 

 

 

Lee Seunghyun’s Pov.

 

“You worthless ungrateful piece of !” yelled my father as he slammed me against the wall and slapped me across the face. I yelped at the sharp pain on my cheek and already bruised back. Weak.

 

“I provide for you! I took you in when your mother died! I even pay for your tuition!” he said punching me with every verb, “And you can’t even get good grades!” He slurred his words in his drunken rage, staggering back and forth and side to side.

 

“I’m sorry Appa. I’ll do better next time-” With every word I was quivering and shaking. Tears could barely escape my puffy black eyes. Pathetic, I spat.

 

“You always say that!” he said punching me in the stomach and onto the floor. My tousled black hair lay out on my forehead clinging to my sweat. The tiny bit of tears that had escaped my eyelids blotted down onto my stinging cheeks.

 

“Appa, I did bring my grade up-” I pleaded clutching my gut. I was shaking more violently now. I felt a pounding pain all over my body.

 

He glared down at me with eyes filled of hatred and insanity.“Are you back sassing me now?!” He began kicking me in the stomach and groin.

 

“No Appa. I- AHH!” I shrieked out in pain. Stupid, I hissed to myself.

 

“What. You gonna cry?! Fine. Cry like the little you are!” He kicked me one last time, staggered away, and left me in the room alone crying in pain.

 

My head was splitting and my body ached, though the only emotion I could register was regret. I slowly rose and sat upright against the wall, hugging my knees into my chest. I should have done better I screamed at myself. I should have done better, I should have done better, I repeated over and over again in my head. Soon I was cry, rocking back and forth, pulling on my hair, and screaming out to the pale, blue walls. “I should have done better! I should have done better!” I cried until my voice became hoarse.

 

I lay on the floor, face wet with tears, snot and blood. I crossed my arms, hugging myself to calm the tremors, clenching my teeth and squeezing my eyes tightly. I lay in that fetal position for an eternity before the pain finally began to recede. I inched over to the long, beige couch and pulled myself up. Fumbling onto my feet I attempted to stand. After gaining my balance I limped toward my room. I stumbled into the connecting bathroom and gripped onto the face basin.  I looked up at the mirror and examined my new bruises. My eyes were wet, puffy, and black. I had a busted lip and a bruise on my collar bone. I pulled up my shirt to reveal a few bruises on my chest and abdomen. I didn’t even have to look to know of the bruises all up and down my legs.

 

Ugly, I thought, That’s what I am. Just like my dad says. I’m a worthless waste of space.

 

I opened the mirror cabinet and shuffled through, knocking everything down in the process. Clink! went an object as it fell first onto the countertop, then Clink! onto the floor. I hastily picked it up. My hands shook terribly as I pulled back my sleeve, and put my arms over the sink. I stared at my old scars and read the sloppy Korean characters aloud.

 

“Pitiful, trashy, good-for-nothing, sleazy, cheap, no good son of a .” I frowned at my scars. All names I’ve been called either by my father or others. These scars are like permanent reminders of what was wrong with me. Like... little notes for self improvement. I laughed a dark, hysterical laugh.

 

Steading the razor, I began writing on my skin. I watched the blood ooze out of the sloppy, Korean characters as the feeling of release overtook my mind. The hysterical laughs became darker and louder as I continued to slice away at my skin. Stupid pathetic little , read the characters. That’s what I was according to my dad, right!

 

I drug the sharp blade across my skin, going deeper by the second. When I came down to my wrist I hesitated, hovering the blade above my artery. I could just end all of this right now.  I’ll be with my mom in heaven and have a normal life again. I could run away from all this abuse and be in a land of everlasting bliss. With the flick of my wrist I could finally be happy again. I inched the blade closer and closer to the vein. A deep longing and intent suddenly washed over me. I was about to cut deeper when my hand frozen. My mind is tell my hand to move, but my heart just won’t let it. But why? This is what I want! I want- need to be with my mom again. Just like the good old days. But... Jiyoung...

 

I pulled the blade out of my skin and examined my handiwork. Blood ran down my arm, over my wrist and dripped into the sink. My hands were shaking again and I felt a hot liquid running down my cheek. More regret. Why? Why do I do this to myself? My laughs turned into violent sobs. The was another Clink! as I dropped the razor into the sink. I washed the blood on my arm away. I grabbed a bottle of alcohol from under the sink, braced myself for the pain, and poured it onto my open wounds. “Ah- AHH!” I yelled, clenching my teeth. I wrapped my arm up with some tissue and limped into my room. I collapsed onto my bed, not even caring about the still bleeding wounds. I secured my pillow to my face and sobbed, muffling my cries. As I wept, just four words swirled through my head.

 

Weak. Pathetic. Stupid. Regret

 

*THE NEXT DAY*

 

I woke up to pain at over my body- not that that’s a new feeling. I got out bed and nearly fell down on my first step. The pain from yesterday came rushing back. I limped to the bathroom and unwrapped my bloody bandages, examining my appearance in the mirror. My bruises had swollen and my cuts had began scaring. Just like the pain, the regret came back.

 

I started at myself in disgust. Ugly. Just ugly, I thought. Why did I do that? I’m so stupid. That probably why Appa hits me. I bet he didn’t hurt my brother like this. Why can’t I be more like him instead of worthless me.

 

I jumped it the shower and just let the steaming, hot water hit me as I stood there with my head down. My cuts and bruises stung under the shower’s harsh embrace. I stood there for what seemed like forever before I heard a ringing sound.

 

I lifted my head quickly. “Crap.” I completely forgot I was getting a ride today. I rushed out of the shower and to my wardrobe and picked out one of my many sweaters and a pair of sweatpants. I can’t wear jeans much because of my bruises. I quickly got dressed and sped to the living room.

 

“Morning Lee-sshi,” said a familiar voice.

 

“Oh Jiyoung-ah! Nice to see you,” said my dad in his fake nice voice, “Seunghyun will be right out.”

 

“Hey Ji!” I said rushing into the living room. “Well we better hurry hurry hurry. Can’t be late for school. Bye Appa!” I said pushing Ji out of my house.

 

I really hate it when Jiyoung comes to my house while my dad is home. I’m probably just being paranoid, but I always feel like my dad it gonna hurt him too. Make him like me.

 

“Seunghyun, why do you always rush me out of your house?” he said with a chuckle.

 

“I do that?” I laughed nervously, “Never noticed...”

 

Jiyoung-hyung doesn’t know my dad hurts me. Of all the people I lie to about my scars and bruises, he’s the only one I hate to lie to. He’s the only person I know will be there for me. I bet if he was going through what I am, he’d tell me first. He’s told me about everything else in his life. I could write a book about him, but he doesn’t know half of what goes in my life.

 

“Hey Seunghyun?” he asked as he started up the car.

 

“Yeah Ji?” He sighed causing me too look up at him. “What is it Ji?”

 

“Seunghyun...I know about your father.” he stared at me before continuing, “What he does to you.”

 

I froze. A wave of fear washed over me. But why? What could possibly be scary about people finding out? Especially Ji-hyung... “W-What are you talking about Ji?”

 

“You don’t have to keep pretending. I’ve been watching your actions closely lately. You always stand far away from you dad, you walk with a slight limp that you try to hide, you never invite me over even though I’m your best friend, and you have a black eye for god’s sake! Everyone knows. So quit pretending you’re alright and that nothing’s happening to you.”

 

I was speechless. Everyone knows? How could everyone know? I try so hard to hide it. To seem normal... Wait a minute- How did Ji know everyone knows?

 

“So you were talking about me behind my back-”

 

“Seunghyun, that’s not the point.” he interrupted in a serious tone, “Don’t try to change the subject. We need to talk about this.”

 

I crossed my arms “Is that why you drove me to school today? To trap me and make me tell you everything.”

 

“Well, yeah. It was. I know you aren’t going to tell me otherwise. Seunghyun,” he started, “you know I care about you-”

 

“You don’t care. You’re just curious!” I turned away from him, “Stop pretending, you know what’s going on in my life! You don’t know! You’ll never know how I feel. You’ll never know what I’m going through...”

 

He pulled over to the side of the road before turning to me and staring at me for what seemed like forever. He frowned. “What are you even saying right now? Yeah I am curious you dork, I’m your best friend! You think I can just stand on the sidelines and watch my best friend get hurt on the daily? By his own father?!” He sighed. “Look. I may not know what you’re going through,” he said softly, “but that’s what I’m trying to figure out. I’m here for you just like you’re always there for me. Just let me help.”

 

I still wasn’t convinced. “How could you possibly help me?”

 

“Well for one thing, if you had someone there for you to talk to you probably wouldn’t feel the need to cut.”

 

I was taken aback. How did he know I cut?

 

He pulled his jacket sleeve up. He began rubbing his arm, as faint scars became visible.

 

“Ji... You-” I began.

 

“These are from about 5 years ago. They’re the last cuts I made,” he said pulling his sleeve back down while looking down. “Trust me. I know how you’re feeling. You feel worthless and desperate for escape, so you cut and cut for a short release only to find that you’re still in the same situation. “ His hands shook as he talked. “The only thing that changed is that you have scars all over your body. So instead of just being worthless, you’re worthless and ugly, making you cut more.”

 

I stared at him as tears began forming in my eyes. “Ji. H-how come you didn’t tell me?”

 

“For the same reason you didn’t tell me. I was afraid of being judged and I didn’t trust my best friends enough,” he said looking into my tear filled eyes.

 

My initial shock slowly faded into realization. That’s what all that BB cream is for, to hide his scars. And, that’s why he never goes swimming. Come to think of it, he acts just like I do when it comes to me skin. How did I not know? I thought for a second. Of course I didn’t know. I’m so stupid...

 

He cleared his throat, blinking away his tears. “There was no way you could have known. Don’t think there was,” he said starting up the car again. “We don’t have to talk about this now, but just know that I'm here when you wanna talk.”

 

I was, once again, speechless. Wow. So he knows. Everyone knows apparently. Relief washed over me. Maybe... maybe we can do something about it then. Maybe last night was the last time. The last time I’ll ever have to hurt alone. I looked down at my own shielded arms. I’m not alone now.

 

I looked up at Jiyoung with a tender look. He was clearly shaken having to have exposed his scars like that, but the raw emotion made me feel like I could get passed all this. Like there was some hope for me after all. I smiled faintly.

 

Jiyoung...

 

A/N:

 

Hey guys!

 

Yep. Definitely more satified with this rewrite. It feels more real, don't you think? The next one will also be rewritten, but after that the story is different. So look forward to the fourth chapter! Very different plot! The next chapter will be up either by Sunday or on Sunday, but that's subject to change. If it's not up Sunday then you know it changed. Lol. So see you hopefully Sunday! 

 

Till then,

 

MAshid Author-nim~

 

P.S.

 

Yeah the quote on the picture is not actually in the story anymore, but we can lets that one slide... Honestly, it was my favorite edit out of all the pictures I made, so I had to use it again!