Donghae's POV

I lied to Eunhyuk.

I've already met with Yunho. I couldn't tell him about how he looked at me with such anger. He hadn't been getting better. He was still bound to a wheelchair.

I did pass by his house almost everyday, to be honest I was surprised that his neighbors hadn't called the police or something. I'd find it creepy if someone was doing something like what I was doing now, meaning maybe I should took a hint about my own actions. I stood across the street watching the curtains flutter trying to get a glimpse of the inside of his home. The light coming through his curtains was getting brighter, stronger as each second passed by. I hadn't even tried to knock at his door, afraid of his rejection.

I shivered it was getting dark and cold very quickly.

We didn't even talk about breaking up. It just happened.

The day after his accident Yunho had screamed in pain. Blamed me for the pain. I couldn't bear to look at his eyes, afraid of what I would see. I didn't contact him but he did try once. I had an ominous feeling. I knew he had called to break things off. I didn't want that to happen so I simply watched the phone screen as it rang. He didn't leave a voicemail or send a message. Neither of us tried to contact each other after that day.

As time passed by I noticed that his therapist was coming to visit him passed his office hours and on weekends. They worked closely. I knew something was going on between the two but I had no right to intervene.  I had no right to feel this anger that boiled in my blood whenever I would see his car parked in front of his house. I had no right to feel jealous.

Was I still in love with Yunho? I had no idea all I knew was that he made my heart ache whenever I thought about him or whenever I would catch a glimpse of his smile through the open window. Maybe I was becoming obsessive, a stalker, a creep but I couldn't stop myself from watching him. It was as if just watching him helped me forget everything. It gave me a purpose to continue with just living.

I didn't lie to Eunhyuk when I told him I missed him. I did miss him beyond what I thought I would have. Seeing him made me realize that life could still have some brightness to it. He reminded me of when I used to feel alive and had no care for what the future laid ahead. When I dated him I felt carefree... happy. I missed that part of me, the part of me that was happy with being with him. But missing him and loving him were two different things. I promised myself that after Yunho, if I ever did fall in love again I'd never reveal it. I planned on doing just that. I would let myself miss loving Eunhyuk but I would never love him again. I let Yunho have my heart and I hadn't taken it back. I don't think I ever could.

Yunho would always be my second and last love. That's how I wanted it to be.

"I need to leave." I buried my face with the scarf I was wearing. The scarf that held many fond memories.

I had no where to go and ging home would just be another reminder that no one was there to wait for me. I walked around town hoping to find something to distract myself with but nothing seemed to catch my attention. It was already nine and I had nothing to do and no place to go. In the past I used to always find myself in Yunho's house at this hour but now that he was gone I was literally alone.

Again I'm thinking about Yunho.

A drink. A drink would help, maybe two.

I ended up in another bar, the fourth one this week.

I'm becoming an alcoholic. Ha! I'd probably deserve it.

It was a gay bar, my first time ever coming into one. I didn't know it was one until I had taken a seat inside and noticed that the two girls who sat besides me, making out like no tomorrow.

"Scotch. Straight." Needed something strong.

On the dance floor, everyone was swaying in a slow and synchronized motion. You'd think that they would be going at their own pace but everyone seemed to match each other's pace.

The drink was set in front of me by the time I turned my attention back to the bar. "Thanks." The bartender nodded, turning around to attend another costumer.

Pitiful.

If Yunho saw me now he'd call me out on my b.s. That's what I liked about him. So straightforward, full of confidence, never letting anyone look down on him yet he had this gentle spot. He was kind to those in need, willing to get hurt if it meant the other person would be at peace.

Stop Donghae.I grabbed my drink hoping it pull me out of my thoughts.

"Another please." The bartender didn't hesitate. A drink was placed in front of me within seconds.

I needed Yunho. I needed him. I hated being alone.

"Hey there hot stuff. Wanna dance?"

A hand landed on my shoulder. How long had it been since I had a one night stand? If I remembered correctly it was about two weeks ago. That guy from last week was alright a bit too rough. Maybe a distraction would be fine.

"Hello there~" the guy squeezed my shoulder.

No Yunho wouldn't like this.

"I don't dance."

"Hahaha well I can offer you a private lesson? What do you say?" He whispered into my ear. Made me want to barf. I could smell the alcohol but that's a bit hypocritical. Who am I to judge? I'm borderline an alcoholic.

I had no energy to deal with that type of person today but the thought of spending the night by myself seemed far worse. Eunhyuk would be angry if he saw me like this. If I hadn't left Eunhyuk, I wouldn't have hurt Yunho. Those two... both were important to me. Those two, who I loved deeply and couldn't have.

"What do you say cutie? My place or yours or neither?"

I needed a distraction.

I turned to face the stranger. He wasn't bad looking. Actually he was probably the best looking guy here. His face was exactly my type. Strong jaw line. Dark eyes and dark hair but pale skin. Straight out of vampire love story.

I pulled him closer by the neck pulling his lips onto mine.

Not a bad kisser. He will do.

"My place... just make sure you leave before the boyfriend gets home." I took out my cash, paying for the drinks earlier.

"No problem cutie." He grabbed me from the waist pulling me upwards. I let him lead me outside. The cold air stung my face, sobering me up a bit.

I should have had another drink before leaving.

We took a taxi to my apartment. Things were getting heavy at the couch. Grinding, touching, it was all pretty messy. The guy had moves.

. I was getting into it until a buzzing at the door disturbed me from the excitement.

"The doorbell." I breathed out heavily as he continued pressing his hands on my chest and waist.

"Mmmm really? Isn't it better to ignore it? Come on now. It's just getting fun." He began leaving light kisses on my neck, moving one hand underneath my shirt.

"Back down. In a bit. This shouldn't take long." I pushed him off. I was actually happy someone had come over. It was a way to get control. I had noticed I was starting to lose myself. I would never be in the losing end. I needed to be in control.

"What?" I pulled the door open.

"Hae. Sorry I didnt mean to come so late at night but I-I... Can I come inside?"

Eunhyuk was standing in my doorway fidgeting. How did he know where I lived? What was he doing here? I looked over his clothing and saw that he wasn't wearing what he had been wearing before so he must have gone home.

"Eunhyuk. I- no... wait here. You look cold. Lets go get coffee at the corner shop. Hold on a bit okay?"

"Hae you-"

I didn't wait for his answer and quickly shut the door on him. I went to my bedroom grabbing my coat and wallet.

"Hey you have to go."

"What do you mean? You can't be serious."

"I am. Get out now."

"I can't believe this ." He angrily grabbed his jacket, walking to the front the door. I followed behind him.

He made eye contact with Eunhyuk. "He's such a tease ya know." He smirked at Eunhyuk's reaction before kicking the flower pot that was placed next to my door.

Eunhyuk made no reaction. He simply watched the man get on the elevator. Even as we both walked to the corner coffee, ordered coffees, and sat down on one the many empty table, Eunhyuk made no reaction. He simply stayed quiet. He didn't look angry, sad, or confused. He just sat there drinking.

This was getting us nowhere. I sighed, successfully getting Eunhyuk's attention "So what brought you over this late at night?"

Eunhyuk placed his drink on the table. "Many things. Well one thing in particular..."

"Well are you going to let me know what that one thing is about? Oh! but before you answer that, I want to know how did you know where I lived?"

Eunhyuk laughed a bit rubbing his neck. Finally some emotion. "Well I have contacts."

"Oh! scary." I laughed a bit. "So you won't tell me who gave you my address?"

"Umm well for another time." Eunhyuk smiled, taking a sip from his cup of coffee. "Is it okay if I ask a personal question?"

Well I know where this is going...

"Sure. Just make sure you want to ask that question. I mean if you're prepared for the answer."

"Right... well I guess I have more than one question. A few actually... I'll just ask one question first." Eunhyuk put his cup down, looking at my face intently. "D-do you ever wonder how different your life could have been? As in do you wonder about... well about us?"

"You mean if you hadn't broke up with me when I begged you not to do it. You're asking where would we be if that hadn't happened?"

Eunhyuk sighed, rubbing his temple.

I hadn't meant to bring it up honestly. I just didn't feel like talking about relationships. Not today.

"Hae... we were young. I wasn't confident in my life. I didn't know about my future. I was insecure and I know I didn't take your feelings into consideration. I was in survival mode. I felt like I had to improve myself before I could be with someone and I know I should have talked about it with you but I couldn't bring myself to do so. I just couldn't stay."

"Yeah I get it. Sorry I just haven't had the best day. I didn't mean to accuse you of anything. I know we were young and I was in too deep. Well more invested than you... that is not to say that you weren't invested but just at that moment I think I was more dependent on you than you were with me."

"I-I... yeah maybe..."

Eunhyuk sat gripping the paper cup tightly in his hands. I was pushing him. I won't lie, seeing him react like this gave me mixed emotions. A part of me wanted to continue to tell him how his actions had affected me yet another part wanted me to stop. The first part was definitely fueled from going to Yunho's house. I really should stop visiting him.

"Sorry Eunhyuk really. I'm just not at the right mind right now. To answer your question... I used to wonder that all the time but stopped after dating a bit. Than when I saw you today... well I found myself thinking about it again. I wonder what I would have been doing at this moment. Would I still have the same career? Would I still have met the same or different people? Would I still live in the same apartment, alone, with you, or someone completely different? Would we still have broken up at a different point in life? I asked myself these same questions along with other similar ones. I used to imagine that we'd still be together... and you?"

Eunhyuk widened his eyes. He wasn't expecting me to ask him the same question.

"Well I've also had similar thoughts. I did wonder what would have happened if we had stayed together. In the end, it was all just wishful thinking in a way. I mean I am happy of where I am today and the job I have. I mean I just sometimes do think about what could have been. Everyone is like that right?"

"Hmmm yeah I agree... What else did you want to ask?"

"Oh yeah well I was just wondering if you know the guy who came out of your apartment... well how long have you been dating him?" Eunhyuk began fidgeting with the coffee in his hands.

"Hyukkie, I am not dating him. He's a guy I just met... I told you I was having a stressful day."

Eunhyuk nodded, the light casted a shadow over his face.

"Hyuk, I'm not like how I was in high school. After everything, I couldn't stay the same. I am not innocent or someone who could set an example for others. I'm far from what I was in high school."

"I didn't mean to criticize you or anything Hae! I get what you mean. People change. It's obvious nothing stays the same. I'm sorry if my reaction offended you in any way really! I was just surprised. I'm sorry."

"Don't worry Eunhyuk." I smiled. I quickly glanced at the time on my phone. 11:58... "Eunhyuk how did you get here?"

"I took a cab. I mean I don't know the streets or trains or anything so I called a cab from the hotel room."

"It's getting late. How about you come stay at my place today? I'll take you home tomorrow."

"N-no it's okay!" Eunhyuk waved his hands frantically. Cute. "I'll take a cab back it's okay." Eunhyuk moved around in his seat. "Uh... Hae.. I'm so sorry and really embarrassed... I forgot my wallet back at the hotel. See the hotel paid for the cab since I wasn't sure how to pay for it than they added it to my tab so I'm sorry to ask this but can I borrow money?"

"Don't be silly Eunhyuk. You'll stay at my place, I'll make you breakfast, than I'll take you back. It's my day off anyways so no need to worry."

"Really?" Eunhyuk reached over the table, grabbing my hand.

"Yes of course. I wouldn't Hae asked if I didn't want you to stay over." I laughed a bit taking my hand away from his and standing up from the table. Maybe I shouldn't have offered... "Oh wait didn't you have something else you wanted to ask me?"

Eunhyuk stood up from his own seat, smiling "Yeah but I think it's better left for another day. It's late and we're both tired. Let's just head back." Eunhyuk threw his arms around my shoulders. "It's cold. Keep me warm hahah"

I laughed a bit before pulling away. "You should have brought a thick sweater like me. It's your fault. Deal with it."

"Aww you really aren't as nice." Eunhyuk smiled lightly, walking close to me on the way back to my apartment.

As soon as we arrived, I handed him a pair of extra pajamas I had in my closet. "Here change into these. You already ate right?"

"Yeah I did thanks!" Eunhyuk grabbed the pajamas.

"Good. Follow me I'll show you to the restroom. You'll share the bed with me."

"I-"

"No arguing. The couch is very uncomfortable. Trust me. My bed is big enough. It can probably fit three people so you'll have room to move around."

"Okay..."

I opened the restroom door for Eunhyuk. "You can use the shower if you want. I have an extra toothbrush in the cabinet... I'll be changing in my room and sleep right away. I'm a bit tired so as a warning, I might not be able to stay awake and wait for you."

"That's fine! Thanks Hae!"

Eunhyuk went into the restroom as I quickly changed in my room. My head still spun a bit from the alcohol. Coffee helped and didn't help at the same time. I threw my used cloths in the laundry bin. I just wanted sleep. As soon as I was done changing, I threw myself onto my bed.

Eunhyuk...

He was stirring something in me. I didn't like it. When he held my hand and threw his arm around my shoulder, I felt myself freeze for a second. My mind was on autopilot and all I knew was that I needed to pull away before I did something I would quickly regret.

"Hae?" I closed my eyes shut as son as I heard my name.

"Hae? Are you asleep?......Goodnight Hae." The lights were turned off and the bed dipped. I kept my eyes tightly shut but stayed wide awake. It was only until I heard Eunhyuk's even breathing that I was able to let my guard down and drift to sleep.

That night I dreamt of my days back in high school. Before I had even confessed to Eunhyuk about my orientation, before I confessed my feeling towards him. I dreamt of the days we would hang around the back of the school. How we would hid behind the trees, on the cave, and daydreamed about what type of food we would be eating once we got home. Nothing stood out in particular. It was nice and gentle.

If only...

Hello everyone! It's been two years since I updated this fanfic.... so long. I'm sorry to all my readers! Life was busy! Anyways heres an update... I don't know whether any of you are interested in reading this since it's been a looong time but i thought what the heck just update it. Maybe just maybe someone will still read it. It's going to be a while to update the next chapter since I will update my other fanfics... I'm sooooo sorry again guys! I'm back though. I'll try to update as much as possible but I work so it will be difficult to update daily... even weekly. I'll do my best though! Thank you all! Happy New Year~!!!!!