Kyungsoo stood outside of the building, glancing up at the windows towering over his small, shivering figure, wringing his hands together. One last deep breath, and he was finally ready.

At least, he thought he was.

Kyungsoo walked forward, nodding slightly at the doorman that held the front door open for him. Kyungsoo timidly walked into the large lobby, looking around at the accents of gold and red that lined the tall walls of the hotel restaurant. Kyungsoo looked down at the phone he held in his left hand, rereading the text he had received that morning.

See you tonight at 7.

The corners of Kyungsoo’s mouth lifted slightly, not enough to be considered a real smile, but it was enough. Kyungsoo looked up and walked towards the hostess who had been watching the man carefully.

“Excuse me, I am meeting someone here at 7? He said he had a reservation,” Kyungsoo asked shyly.

The hostess looked at him, a bored expression etched into her face, before she looked down at a paper in front of her. “Name, please?”

“Luhan.”

Kyungsoo smiled. The name flowed so easily off of his tongue, a name he hadn’t uttered or even thought of for 4 years. It felt good.

She nodded and motioned for the smiling man, “If you’ll follow me to your table, please, your friend is already waiting.”

Kyungsoo followed the hostess through a maze of tables and expensively dressed guests. He kept his eyes focused on the ground, mentally preparing himself. He had no clue what to expect from the man who broke his heart 4 years ago, but he hoped the years had been kind, to the both of them.

The two stopped in front of a table, and Kyungsoo raised his eyes a bit, noticing a pair of nice dress shoes. He looked further up to the legs clad in a finely pressed black suit, following the trail up the owner’s body, from the slim hips to his broad chest, his pale neck, and finally to that face. Kyungsoo’s breath hitched when he finally saw that face after 4 years. That face that barely seemed to have aged, and yet seemed so different at the same time. His hair was brown now, styled up and away from his forehead, much different from the blonde he had years before. All traces of baby fat had left, leaving a new hint of masculinity and maturity.

But those eyes. Dear god, those eyes hadn’t changed at all in 4 years. The same brown eyes that captured Kyungsoo every single time he looked into them. Even now.  How he had loved those eyes.

Kyungsoo was startled from his thoughts when the hostess, who still stood next to them, coughed awkwardly. Kyungsoo blushed and bowed towards her, taking the seat that Luhan pulled out for him. Luhan walked the short distance around the table and took his own seat right across from the other male.

The two were left in an awkward silence, gazes subtly avoiding each other. Neither man knew how to start a polite conversation, but the silence was clearly making them both uncomfortable and awkward.

“So, um, this is a nice restaurant,” Kyungsoo muttered.

Luhan smiled sincerely and nodded. “Yes, I thought so, too.”

“Why did you decide here?” Kyungsoo asked, sincerely curious.

“I'm actually staying here for a conference for my company. My apartment is down the street, but it’s almost like a free vacation, besides all the business suits and meetings. How could I say no?”

Kyungsoo laughed and shook his head at the older male. “You haven’t changed a bit, Luhan. You look good.”

Luhan smiled sadly, looking at the other. “So do you, Kyung.”

Kyungsoo looked up at the nickname, the nickname he hadn’t heard in 4 years. The two locked gazes, and Kyungsoo could see so many emotions filling Luhan’s doe eyes. Sadness. Regret. Loneliness. Adoration. And Kyungsoo couldn’t seem to stop himself from falling into Luhan’s eyes, the same way he always had.

“Excuse me, sirs. The wine,” an older waiter spoke softly from between the two men, and they looked away awkwardly, towards the man who had interrupted their moment.

“Yes, of course, thank you,” Luhan muttered as he moved his wine glass towards the kind waiter. The waiter poured a generous amount for Luhan, and then did the same for Kyungsoo.

“Would you like a menu or the chef’s choice, sirs?”

Luhan glanced at Kyungsoo and slightly raised an eyebrow before turning back to the waiter. “I think we’ll have 2 of the chef’s choice, please.”

The waiter nodded and bowed before turning and walking towards what Kyungsoo presumed to be the kitchen.

“I hope you don’t mind that I ordered for you,” Luhan said quietly, playing with his napkin without meeting Kyungsoo’s gaze, who had turned to look at the older man.

Kyungsoo smiled and shook his head, but then realized Luhan still wasn’t looking at him. “It’s fine, Lu.”

Luhan smiled at the nickname and looked up with determination in his eyes. “So. 4 years. How have you been? Work? Family? Friends?” Luhan paused and smirked. “Love life?”

Kyungsoo, who had been taking a sip from his wine glass at the same moment, began coughing violently, drawing the attention of the guests from surrounding tables. Luhan laughed calmly before reaching over the table to lightly tap Kyungsoo’s back.

“Still as straightforward as ever, aren’t you, Lu?” Kyungsoo managed, still slightly coughing and clearing his throat.

Luhan smiled. “Some things will never change,” he said as he handed a glass of water towards Kyungsoo, who took it gratefully.

The two continued chatting lightly, clearly over their awkward air as the food arrived, not putting a dent in any of their conversation.

Kyungsoo was laughing as Luhan was telling him of the time he had to present a new proposition with bright red hair, a consequence of allowing one of their mutual friends to experiment with the Chinese man’s hair.

Luhan finished his story and gazed silently at the man in front of him, whose laughter slowly died, leaving a content smile.

“How have you been, Kyungsoo?” Luhan said softly.

Luhan furrowed his brows. “You already asked me, Lu. I told you, I’ve been good.”

Luhan shook his head and looked at the other man. “No, Kyung, how have you really been?”

Kyungsoo’s smile faltered and he thought for a moment, thought of how his 4 years without Luhan had been. The pain had definitely faded from that day, but it still wasn’t fully gone. Kyungsoo sighed and smiled sadly at Luhan’s concerned expression.

“Lonely. And hurt.”

Luhan squeezed his eyes shut, his hands tightening into fists as he took a deep breath. “I know, Kyung. I'm so sorry, it’s my entire fault.” Luhan stuttered out.

Kyungsoo smiled and reached over the empty table, setting his hand lightly on Luhan’s fist, unwrapping his fingers and caressing them lightly with his own.

“No, Luhan. You’re not the only one at  fault. I put too much of myself into our relationship too quickly. I was setting myself up to get hurt back then, but you helped me, you know that?”

Luhan looked up quickly, his hand turning to grab Kyungsoo’s. “I helped? How?”

Kyungsoo smiled and sat back, still holding Luhan’s hand. He spared a glance at the ceiling, smiling happily. “When I saw you 4 years ago with that other girl, it did hurt. It hurt so much that I thought I was going to die. Imagine that, actually dying from a broken heart? But, it helped me to realize that I didn’t have enough confidence and faith in myself. I put all of myself in you. When you left, I had to force myself to look at myself in a whole new light, and I was able to realize so many things about myself. I realized my own dreams, went back to school, and got my own apartment, a degree, a new job. My dream job.” Kyungsoo looked at Luhan, who was now crying, but still held a small, proud smile on his face. “I own a bakery now. I'm the head baker, but I have other workers. We make cakes, cupcakes, crepes, cookies, anything you can think of. I'm finally happy with myself, Luhan, and you helped me realize that.”

Luhan stared in awe at the man in front of him, tears pouring from his eyes, a smile on his face. He silently got up and walked in front of Kyungsoo, pulling him softly to stand in front of him. He wrapped his arms around him and buried his face in his neck, mumbling softly, “I am so proud of you, Kyung. I was wrong, you have changed. So much in 4 years, and I am so proud of the person you have become.”

Kyungsoo smiled and wrapped his arms around Luhan, silent tears falling as he whispered words of thanks in the other’s ears.

They were still in each other’s embrace when the same hostess from the beginning of the night came up and cleared loudly. “I'm going to have to ask you to leave, sirs. The restaurant is closing.”

Luhan looked back and looked at his watch incredulously, noticing it was, indeed, closing time.

“Wow, we’ve been talking for 5 hours and didn’t even realize it,” Kyungsoo muttered, a slight blush evident on his cheeks.

The two men smiled at each other and headed out of the restaurant and into the hotel’s lobby. They stopped near the front door and turned to face each other.

“I had a really nice time, Lu. Thank you for contacting me,” Kyungsoo said sincerely.

Luhan smiled and nodded, shuffling slightly. “I, uh, have something to give you,” he muttered sheepishly. Luhan reached inside his coat and pulled out a large manila envelope, stuffed to the brim. He handed the package to Kyungsoo, who grabbed it with a confused expression.

“What is this?”

Luhan smiled and shook his head. “Open it when you get home, okay? And don’t worry, I'm not expecting an answer.”

Luhan turned and walked towards the elevator, shooting Kyungsoo a quick wave and a wink before stepping in, the doors closing behind him. Kyungsoo sighed as his first love stepped out of his life again. Kyungsoo sighed and began the journey to his apartment. He unlocked his front door, stepping into the dark room. He toed is shoes off, hung his coat up, and made his way to his bedroom blindly, not bothering to turn the hallway lights on.

He reached his bed and fell into it unceremoniously, not even bothering to change out of his clothes. Kyungsoo felt his eyelids growing heavy, and he fell asleep with a smile on his lips for the first time in 4 years.

When Kyungsoo woke up at 8 the next morning, a Sunday, he yawned and grudgingly made his way out of bed. The bakery was closed, giving Kyungsoo a free day to use as he pleased. He went to the bathroom, going through his usual morning routine, before traipsing towards the kitchen to begin cooking his breakfast. Once he had finished, he took his plate and cup of coffee to the living room. He sat on his couch, but stopped when he noticed the package Luhan had given him the night before sitting on his coffee table, exactly where he had set it on his way to bed the previous night.

Kyungsoo reached over and grabbed it, setting his breakfast down on the table at the same time. He turned the envelope over in his hands and noticed a post-it note near the flap. He furrowed his brows and pulled it off, reading the small note.

Letters I was too stubborn to send

Kyungsoo, confused, set the note down and pulled the manila envelope open, pouring its contents out on his couch. Kyungsoo’s eyes widened. In front of him was a large pile of letters, all stamped, dated, and ready to be sent.

Kyungsoo hesitantly reached down and grabbed a letter from the pile randomly. It was dated 4 years ago, a week after their break up. Kyungsoo’s eyes widened and he held his breath as shaky hands slowly opened the letter. He pulled out a piece of paper and carefully unfolded it, staring at the words.

Kyungsoo,

I am so sorry. I made the biggest mistake ever. You know that saying you don’t know what you have until it’s gone? I never took that saying seriously until last week when I made the mistake of walking out of your life. The biggest mistake of my life.

I wish I could go back to you, I wish I could make this all right again, but I can’t face you like this. You deserve so much better. Not the piece of I’ve become. I treated you all wrong, and threw everything away. I threw you away. I'm too selfish, too much of a coward. I am so sorry, my love.

Kyungsoo stared at the paper, tears rolling down his cheeks silently as Kyungsoo reached for another letter. This one was dated 2 years after their split.

My Kyungsoo,

I keep writing these letters to you, hoping I’ll actually have the courage to send them one day, but I don’t think that’ll ever happen. I saw you today. You don’t know that, but I saw you. You were sitting in a café, sitting and talking to someone. You were laughing and you looked so happy, happier than when you were ever with me. That hurt, but then, I probably deserve it, right? I'm glad you’re happy. I hope you can stay happy, and that you find someone who deserves you. You deserve every single ounce of happiness this world offers.

I still love you.

Almost frantically, Kyungsoo began ripping open envelope after envelope, scanning the contents. All of them said the same thing at the end of the letter.

I still love you.

Kyungsoo was now sobbing, grabbing at his chest. He lifted the last letter and looked at the date. This letter was different, in a red envelope, smaller than the rest. He opened it and unfolded the paper inside.

My Love,

The best thing has happened in my entire life. You agreed to have dinner with me. Not as lovers, or ex-lovers, or awkward people, but as friends. I have never been happier in my life. Tonight at 7. I finally decided I'm going to give you all the letters I was too stubborn to send you for the past 4 years. Not as pressure, or a question, just… to let you know. I want you to know you are the only person who has been on my mind for the past 4 years, 1,461 days, 35,063 hours, 2,103,795 minutes, 126,227,704 seconds. I have never stopped thinking about you, dreaming about you, loving you.

I realized on that day 4 years ago that I made the biggest mistake ever, but tonight, I swear to you I will do everything in my power to fix it. I just want you to be happy.

Kyungsoo, I still love you.

Kyungsoo set the letter down on his couch, staring at the pile with tears continuing to fall. He thought back to the past 4 years, the happiness he had built for himself, the time he had spent thinking about everything, the loneliness in his heart he had hidden from himself.

Kyungsoo suddenly stood and ran to his front door, stopping to throw on his coat and shoes before running out, still holding the letter, which he had stuffed back into its small red envelope quickly. Kyungsoo ran down the streets of Seoul to the hotel he had met Luhan at the night before.

He ignored the doorman and ran towards the front desk in the lobby, panting loudly.

“Excuse me, could you please tell me what room Luhan is staying in?” he asked the young woman that was working the front desk.

She looked at him oddly, “I'm sorry, sir, but we cannot give out guest’s information.”

Kyungsoo grew frustrated. “No, you don’t understand, I need to find him. He’s here for a company conference I have to tell him something really important. Please, ma’am, it’s been 4 years, and I need to see him.”

The woman looked at him with pity in her eyes but shook her head. “I'm sorry, sir, I can’t give you that information. But, I can tell you that most of the guests from the conference have already checked out this morning. I'm sorry.”

Kyungsoo sighed, his head falling onto his arms as tears threatened to fall. He quickly stood up straight and bowed, thanking the woman who watched him leave the hotel.

Kyungsoo stood on the sidewalk staring down at the letter in his hands as his fingers traced Luhan’s handwriting. He thought back to their conversation from last night.

“Don’t worry, I'm not expecting an answer.”

“I'm sorry.”

“My apartment is down the street, but it’s almost like a free vacation…”

Kyungsoo’s eyes widened as he thought about what Luhan had said about his own apartment. A smile spread across his face as he glanced back at the envelope in his hand, spotting the writing he needed. He kissed the envelope and started running down the sidewalk happily, laughing loudly.

Kyungsoo ran into a large building, too excited to take the elevator as he ran up the steps to the fourth floor. Kyungsoo quickly walked towards an apartment, standing in front of it with a giddy smile on his face. He lifted a fist, ready to bang on the door.

When he did, he waited quietly, staring intently at the door until he heard footsteps. The door opened and there stood Luhan, in all of his glory. He seemed shocked to see Kyungsoo at his doorstep, and decided to ask the Korean boy about it.

“Kyung, what are you –”

A pair of arms wrapped quickly around his neck, catching Luhan by surprise as he stumbled back, intent on keeping them both upright. He felt his neck growing wet, and Luhan grew worried.

“Kyung?”

“I love you. I love you. I love you so much, Luhan. I love you,” Kyungsoo kept repeating, mumbling into Luhan’s neck as his arms tightened around his neck.

Luhan stood there for  moment, stunned at the sudden change of events. He quickly placed his hands on Kyungsoo’s shoulders and pulled the smaller man back, peering into his eyes uncertainly.

“Kyungsoo, are you sure?”

Kyungsoo smiled and nodded, tears of happiness falling to the floor.

Luhan smiled and pulled Kyungsoo back into his arms, his lips landing softly on Kyungsoo’s. He pulled away and nudged his head into Kyungsoo’s neck. Kyungsoo felt how the man holding him was smiling against his neck, and he knew the loneliness that he had hidden for the past 4 years was finally forgotten, for real this time.

“I love you, Luhan.”

“I love you, too.”