NAMJOON CENTRIC(NAMJIN AND VMON IF YOU SQUINT)

It was that night that the manager had told them that they had time off.  They were to have a two day break for the last time that year before they started promotions once again. The dorm was filled with a series of cheers and then seemed dead in two hours since the news was released of a free day. As the last one stepped out of his room he looked back at the figure that was still lounging on the sofa. 

“You sure you don’t want to come?  My parents would love to have you there too.” Jin said as he left his bags at the door to join the other on the sofa for a couple of minutes more. As the younger sat up he smiled at Jin, giving him a shake of the head, “I just don’t feel good leaving you here when…”

“Nah hyung it’s fine, it’s my choice, remember?” Namjoon finally spoke only for the other to shoot an unconvinced look at him. “It’s all good, gooooo, have fun okay? Just bring me back some of your mom’s pickles?”

A sigh. “Fine. But you call me if you decide that you want to go join a monastery or something at 5 am in the morning alright?” There a was playful nature to his words but Namjoon didn’t miss the slightly serious undertones in that; he laughed and got off of the couch to pull the other up, and pushed him towards the door.

“I’ll be fiiine. Just go hyung, don’t tell my mom we have a break.” 

And then it was silent.  As if all of his life had lead up to that moment and then everything just froze, time had stopped or so it seemed as he closed the door behind the last bandmate that left the building. He walked over to the kitchen and decided to rummage around for anything in the fridge to drink; and finding that unsuccessful, decided that coffee would do.

It wasn’t long before Namjoon had settled on the couch once again with a mug in hand filled with unsweetened black coffee. The first sip was bitter, making him miss the creaminess of milk (which he learned that they had ran out of during his efforts to make coffee). The second was less painful and he thought for a moment that maybe he would get used to that distinct taste. As he switched on the TV it was an adult channel that came up and he assumed that it must have been either Hoseok or Yoongi to be the one who had settled on the channel the night before, as everyone else in the band was less… open about watching that kind of stuff when anyone could just walk by.

He hadn’t bothered to change it though, the crude moans of curse words that were spit out of the actors’ mouths were what filled the room for the next while and for a moment he wondered how much his label of  being ‘straight’ would crumble, if he had jerked off to the scene of  two men. But that was just a thought, he wasn’t really considering it. 

With another sip of coffee that was enough to distract him from his previous thoughts, he changed the channel to a hip-hop music show.  The male had slightly zoned out 15 minutes into what was playing and was deep in his own thoughts.  This was not something that was rare, he had often sought out alone time without the members, but never for this long, never when there was a break for two days. His eyes shifted over to his phone as it played the familiar tune of J.Cole, and focused on the caller ID. Dad. He picked up the phone and muted the call before placing the phone back down. There was a special place in hell for him, Namjoon thinks, but the thought doesn’t motivate him enough to return the call.

When he was sixteen, Namjoon wanted to be a hip hop artist, and represent the true form of hiphop.  What it had really meant.  Not the money and the girls, not being the Casanova that chased after bling and booty, or the mainstream idea of what the western world  now thought hip hop to be. He wanted to have a talk with the citizens through his music, change what had been stuffed down children’s throats so that once they became adults it wasn’t a matter of choosing off a chart what they wanted to be. To separate a society so integrated that all believe in the same definition of success; what it meant to be successful.

When he was sixteen he knew what he wanted to do for the rest of his life. 

He would represent what the minority wanted to say. He would voice out the concerns of those who were not able to. He had it all figured out. When Namjoon was sixteen, he knew where his life was going, despite the army of relatives that told him that he would end up nowhere good, if he chose the path that he did. 

But at the age of twenty he isn’t so sure anymore. He was caught in between those that told him that he had come a long way, inspired many as he attained what he wanted to be, and then the inner voice in his head that kept saying that there was something else. For Yoongi, he was born into the hands of music, and there was no doubt that that was where he belonged.  For Jungkook, he was a performer, the boy had many talents, there was no way he would have lived a life in the shadows. Jimin asked for attention, Taehyung always had it and always would, J-hope, odd but completely fit for the idol life. Jin knew where he belonged despite his insecurities that would once in a blue moon show up. But Namjoon… maybe he did get what he dreamed of, but was that really what would make him happy? Maybe if he had given one of the SKY universities a chance, he would have been living a better life. At least… a little more relaxed. A 9 to 5 job didn’t seem as bad as it did four years ago.

Namjoon wasn’t sure how long he was there for, just sitting, but glanced at the clock at the side of the room to realize that he had completely forgotten about lunch. And as a matter of fact, also the usual snack he had around four o’ clock. His grumbling stomach drove him to the kitchen where Jin had mentioned that there were some leftovers from the night before.

There was a click, and then the door opened, the sudden sounds enough to make him bolt towards the door to see who it was with a knife in hand. “Drop everything and hands in the air!” Namjoon screamed even before he had gotten to the door. The next thing he heard was a thud, the luggage hitting the ground and was met with Taehyung’s hands in the air.  Namjoon pressed a hand against his chest, taking a few breaths to calm the sudden panic that sent all blood rushing to his feet. “Taehyung!”

“Now now… put the knife down, let’s not make any rash decisions.” The younger male said, and Namjoon was quick to throw him a glare and pointed the knife towards the intruder.

“Why are you here?  I thought you’d be in Daegu by now.”  Taehyung reached over to slowly grab the knife and slid his shoes off.  He walked past Namjoon with sheepish grin playing at his lips; making his way towards the kitchen to return the knife.

“I forgot an album I bought for my sister, and she insisted I come back and get it.”

“You stopped your trip midway, wasted this much time in your two days off, and came here to get an album?” Namjoon quirked a brow, appalled by his bandmates life choices. He followed the boy into the kitchen watching him set the object down before taking the food that he had set out side to microwave it.

“Well I didn’t waste it,” His voice cheerful, eyes lit up with excitement and Namjoon could tell he should probably brace himself, for a detailed explanation of what had happened told by an overly observant kid, “I met this guy on the KTX, and guess what? He’s been to the Himalayas and he was telling me all about the trip there, and he climbed this mountain and went to a hermitage, and he lived there for three months, and he had a beard and he gave me this necklace- Hold on one moment! I’ll get it!” Taehyung scurried over to the door and back in less than a second before the blabbering started all over again, “It’s made of these type stones and see this pendant?  It’s a type of seed, and it’s usually the aesthetics-”

“Ascetics.”

“-Ascetics that have it and he said I could keep it because I was so intrigued by it, and now he’s coming back, but only for a short while before he goes to see other big religious places, I don’t remember the name of and it was really cool, do you want it?” Taehyung let out a deep breath after his speech and stepped closer to Namjoon who had taken the necklace from his hand to observe it.

“That’s pretty cool I must say… but didn’t you still waste the time coming back?” Taehyung picked at the food that was heated up and shook his head, starting again with, ‘I met this family who at first didn’t want to talk to me…’ Namjoon stared at Taehyung listening to him as he talked, attention now a little more fixed on his food than the story.  

Another deep breath, “So in the end Kwangjoo cried when I had to get off at my station. But anyway…” Judgment couldn’t have been more obvious in the leader’s face but the boy promptly ignored it, blanking out and silent for the next few moments before he spoke again. “But I should go now; I have to buy chocolates on the way for my brother since I gave the bag I bought to Kwangjoo…” With his toothy grin Taehyung was off again, walking towards the door and slipped his shoes on.

“You forgot the album again!”  Namjoon yelled from the kitchen and then there was series of loud footstep, shouts of, ‘Oh yeah!’, ‘I forgot!’ and ‘Thank you Namjoon hyung byyeee!!!” Before the door closed again, a click and then silence solidified in the dorm for the second time that day.

He glanced down at the plate of food that he had set minutes before see it half emptied. Taehyung… A sigh left Namjoon’s lips and he shook his head before grabbing his keys and made his way towards the door, seeing how much food was left, there was no choice but to eat out. He grabbed his coat on the way, pulling the hood to mask his natural, makeup-free face. Namjoon paused in thought then scoffed at the fact that his concerns had somehow in the past year changed from, being recognized outside when he wanted to be alone, to what people might think if they caught him bare face. It wasn’t that he minded, but the fact that he had even thought about it for a mere second irked him a little. What had this life made of him? Wasn’t he against that only three years ago? 

He made his way out of the building and to the familiar path of the restaurant that Bangtan often visited in the morning for breakfast as trainees and their first year after debut. The familiar smell of spices filled the room as he entered, and despite the noise level in the room, he was glad to be out of the cold.

“Alone this afternoon?” The waitress that had come to him asked as he took a seat. She smiled, which Namjoon returned and then a nod of the head.

“Ah yes, the other’s couldn’t join.” There was a bit small talk that had followed, the woman asking him how he had been considering she hadn’t seen any of them as of lately and Namjoon inquired about her kids as well, not minding the short conversation. He ordered himself a healthy dish for a change before Namjoon had slid into thought once again. The words Taehyung said still rang his ear, unsure why he had taken much interest in it.  It was extremely like Taehyung do such a thing.  Spend time on things that were mundane, and to anyone else seemed of less priority but become so involved in it.

As the bowl of food was placed before him, along with the side dished, Namjoon smiled and thanked the server before they left. He stirred the contents in the bowl, staring at it blankly as he thought. The truth was that he was unsure. He was unsure if this was his goal.  He was unsure if he was at the right place, if this was what would bring him happiness, if this was just a waste of time.  But Taehyung wasn’t like that, whether it be spending three hours on train more than he had to just to get an album for his sister, or whether it was reading everything there was to know about the history of King Sejo when he had a deadline for a science project still pending for the next day, it was never time wasted for him.  It was time spent living, understanding something that he had never known before.

Maybe that was it. That was what Namjoon had needed, to see life in that perspective. He hadn’t wasted these many years of his life on a thoughtless dream he at some point in his life wanted. Maybe he was too caught up trying to find what was missing to see that he was already happy in the shoes that he was in. And damn, he was making more money than he thought he would most of his teenage life, and that without going to university.

It wasn’t every day that someone gets to go to the MAMA awards, or fly from country to country meeting people he didn’t even know existed but adored by him, the same way he adored artists like Kanye West or Epik High. As he took mouthful, a smile crept up Namjoon’s lips. Yeah. He was quite happy with the way his life was going. As he heard a tune playing he showed his hand into his jacket pocket to get the device that the sound was coming from to look at it. Mom.  Okay, maybe not so happy with the way it was going anymore.

“Hello?”

“Namjoo-ah” The voice from the other end was soft and Namjoon felt a pang of guilt at the pit of his stomach.

“Yes, mom… how’s the trip?” Hiking never was his thing and frankly he didn’t want to spend his only free days tiring himself out more.

“It’s good, you’re dad tried to call you this morning… we wish you could be here too.” The voice on the other end said and Namjoon smiled.  It was as if she could hear it through the phone as she continued, “You take care of yourself okay? We were just taking a break, now we’re heading up again.”

The groggy voice on the other end sounded as if he had just woken up a moment ago, but he guessed that was a given at 4:30 in the morning. “So you pick a monastery yet?” Jin asked as he picked up his phone and pressed it against his ear.

“No… but do you think I could still take you up on that offer and join you?”

“My dad’s car should be here…” He heard the bed creak and assumed that Jin was getting out of bed. “I’ll pick you up.”

“No, there’s no need!” The younger was quick to reply and he could almost hear the judgment in the voice as Jin continued.

“And why is that Namjoon?”

“I’m outside your house...” As he looked up, he could see the oldest of the group peering down at him from his house and Namjoon flashed a sheepish smile.

“I’ll be right down.” With that the phone cut and it wasn’t long before, as claimed, Jin was there opening the door.  “Come on.”  He pulled the younger inside and wrapped the blanket that he had clutched around himself so that he could let the latter in it too once he was done taking his shoes and coat off.

“Thanks hyung…” They made their way up the stairs and to the bedroom and the two had to squeeze to share the bed but it was nice, being in the embrace of what was familiar (despite the fact that he wasn’t one to cuddle) after what seemed to be a long day. A smile spread across Namjoon’s lips as he closed his eyes, resting his head against the man next to him.

“So... what did ya decide?”

“Nothing… I just like how things are now.”