REVIEW PICKUP: indiankpopcrazygirl

Title: 5/5 The title was brilliant, and I was tricked. At first I thought it'd be something related to high school cat fights, where a girl is two faced, but I like the way you used it in another meaning. It had lots of revelance to the story, and 'Two Faced' is something I would click on if I scrolled past it.

Description: 3.5/5 In the description, you stated that 'The description almost has nothing to do with the story unless you read it and understand what I'm trying to get at through the description.' Even after reading the story, I still see no revelance because I have to admit I was confused by the story itself. Is it supposed to be referring to Onew or Luna?

Vocabulary: 9/10 

Grammar: 9/10 Your grammar was really good! I only managed to spot two tiny tiny mistakes throughout the whole story, so I really liked the grammar part. 

"He waddled to the front door and cracked it open. Victoria shoved the door open. Victoria, Amber, Taemin, Minho and Key walked it (in)."

" “Oh,” he said. “Then I’ll drop you off first,” he said. " The second 'he said' was very redundant. It would've went well just like:

C: "Oh," he said, "Then I'll drop you off first." 

Plot: 10/10 I've never come across a plot like this, since I don't really read mystery(?) fanfictions, although I really like them... However, the MPD was surprising, and it was definitely a plus. I realllyyy like fics with like a character with mental disorders so that was really nice. But I didn't really understand the fanfiction. I'm still really confused over Luna, Jinyoung and Sunyoung. So was Luna thinking that she was both Jinyoung and Sunyoung? And is Julie Park the stepmother? Was Julie Park trying to kill Luna? I still don't get how Julie was planning to use Onew to kill Luna.

Flow: 6/10 I like your style of writing. But, your sentences are very short. It's very choppy. It looks abrupt. Stuff are happening too fast.

^ See that? There were too many full stops imo. I've come across many fics like that, where the full stops are dominating sentences and make them sound abrupt, choppy, rushed and short. The way you wrote your story was pretty rushed too, like in something happens one second and the next, it is over. An example would be when Luna and Onew were at the amusement park. The activities they did were written out so quickly I barely had time to imagine what it was like for them in the amusement park. I didn't even have to scroll down, and the scene at the amusement park started and ended. Soooo, that was really rushed. You could join your sentences together to make them less abrupt, and also add some more information for the scene to seem more real.

"Onew went to the gate and pushed the rusted metal open. Lily followed him and they walked through the over grown garden. Onew kicked the front door open. A billow of dust greeted them and both of them coughed. The house looked like it had been a lively house. Onew and Lily walked into the house laden with dust."

Edit: "Onew went to the gate and pushed the rusted metal open, and the eerie creak of the old metal gate was an unsettling accompaniment to the sight of the abandoned house in front of him. Lily followed behind Onew and they stepped through the over grown garden, trying to ignore the grass that were now grown up to their knees. Reaching the front door, Onew raised a leg and kicked it open, which lead to a billow of dust greeting them, making the both of them cough. The house itself looked like it had been a lively house, but now it was reduced to a house laden with years and years of collected dust."

Does that sound better? You could've added more details into the paragraph to make it not look so rushed. Also, another thing was the jumping back and fro of the timeline. It was very, very confusing for me and I had to scroll up many times to figure out whether the event was in the past or the present. Although I know that that is to provide a sense of mystery, or something else, it was just really confusing to me, but I liked how it everything slowly revealed itself in the end. But during the jumps of time, many of the scenes ended quite awkwardly.

 Effect on reader: 8/10 I actually liked this story, because your writing is really good even though the sentences are short. Onew was sucha dork when he was with Luna, and I absolutely loved the twist at the end where Luna had MPD. Also, I liked Key's diva(SCREAMS) personality. The way you described the scary scenes like Julie trying to kill the kids were very, very nice and it gave off an ominous feeling. And also, the poster was so so nice and it looked so classy! And is that Myeongdong in the background or is it somewhere else? I got so happy by looking at the background because all the memories from Korea just flooded back haha so I was really happy while I was reading the fic too! The starting of the fanfic was described very well too, and I was all like 'This is going to be an amazing story'. And it was! Good job.

Overall: 88/100

REVIEWER: kaepie

REVIEW FINISHED ON: 07/13/2014

Reviews are not meant to insult so please don't take our reviews too harshly! This is only from one's point of view.

You can read her story here!