REVIEW PICKUP: ihatey0u

Title: 2.5/5 Rain alone actually sounds pretty classy, but I am sure it is a very overused title. Also, I have not seen how it is related to your story in any way other than in the description, but that might be because you're only at the first chapter. If I was scrolling down fanfictions though, I wouldn't have clicked on your story based on the title itself.

Description: 4/5 I think your description was pretty well done. I did some search on google and I found out that the first half was actually a quote, and you continued the quote with something of your own, and I think your writing matched the quote perfectly. It sounded angsty and nice and I was attracted. However in the foreword, you said that 'when it rained, someone new arrives and somebody could disappear. It usually is just a matter of choice.'  I was puzzled, because I wasn't sure whose choice that would be. The new person's choice, the one who could disappear's, or yours. 

I liked that you extracted a few paragraphs from your story itself, and I absolutely love how you ended it with 'Help' in bolded words. It gave off the right impact. However, the paragraph you had chosen gave off more of a horror and gore kind of vibe rather than an angst vibe, which did not match with the other parts of your description or foreword. Same goes for your prologue, it was more of horror than angst.

Vocabulary: 9/10 I personally think you utilized your vocabulary pretty well.

Grammar: 6.5/10 Your grammar was actually alright, but I found that you have a tendency to miss a punctuation or two when you write, which makes the sentence longer and kind of messy. Also, there were a few tense mistakes. In the prologue:

"She looked around and tried to decipher where exactly she was but failed for everything looked the same. Pitch black."

It sounds better like:

"She looked around and tried to decipher where exactly she was; but failed for everything looked the same- pitch black."

"It's (It was)as if the heavens have (had)heard her that something did happen after that. Only it wasn't what she expected nor liked. She felt someone pat her shoulder and she turned as it was her automatic reflex." - 'as it was her automatic reflex' is not technically a grammar mistake, but since the sentence is here, I'll point it out here. It sounds really awkward when you add that phrase, because you could've just left it at 'and she turned.'

I also spotted a spelling mistake in the prologue: 

"Laughter, that's (that was)what she heard, and it made her shiver of fear for the voice was hallow (hollow), cold, and evil." 

Plot: 7.5/10 I think your plot was pretty original with the fact that when the people died, those who were too good to be sent down were sent to God's paradise instead. And bunks? Awesome. I had the feeling it was like a military camp, but really, that's what makes it original. However, I took off some marks because it was very cliche that EXO is living in the same bunk as her. Of course, of course... But I also liked the fact you mixed Hyuna and Sulli(!!!) in.

Flow: 8/10 The flow was pretty good, actually, other than the few tiny places where you need a punctuation. However, compared to other parts of the story, the part where Hyuna and everyone started bleeding was choppy. The sentences were too short, so I feel that you could've elaborated a little more. In the prologue though, there is a sentence: 

"Then she felt something move behind her and she turned, finding nothing again but darkness (She should've known)." 

I felt that the brackets were pretty... extra, and it made the whole thing sound awkward. You could've wrote 'She should've known' in a new paragraph, then the next sentence following up behind that one in another new paragraph. I find that that gives stories impact, and it's what I like to do when I write my stories. 

Effect on reader: 5/10 I didn't actually feel much when I read this story. Perhaps it was because I was tired when I read it- but it just didn't attract me. 

Overall: 60/100 I think you have a nice style of writing, because you can describe stuff really well, which I envy. But the story itself did not intrigue me as much as the description did. Still, hwaiting for your next few chapters :) 

REVIEWER: kaepie

REVIEWED FINISHED ON: 07/12/2014

Reviews are not meant to insult so please don't take our reviews too harshly! This is only from one's point of view.

You can read the story here!