First of all: I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!! I love you all!! <3

This was only the prologue and there were already so many people who read it and subscribed this story. Thank you sooooooooooooo much!!! *hugging everyone*

And now, I have to apologize to you, since this chapter is not beta-read because my beta-reader has now her exams and not enough time to read this chapter. I hope there aren't all too many mistakes >.<

alright then, have fun ^.^

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It was a late Wednesday afternoon, after a long, tiring day and an even longer interview just half an hour ago. He was exhausted, yes… he, Kim Heechul, self-proclaimed diva of Super Junior, was exhausted to no end – and no, it wasn’t the interview from before, nor the small concert they had given this morning and not the radio program yesterday night either.

It… it was something else… and at the same time, it was everything. All together, the whole world and still, in the very end, it was just himself.

And he hated it. He absolutely hated it.

With his last tad of energy, he dragged his body into his room and closed the door quietly behind his back.

Silence.

Utter, defeating silence surrounded him. Not a word, not even the slightest sound could be heard, just his own, hard breathing.

It had been three months since the award show where YunHo and Changmin had won their award. Three months since the younger man had declared his love for DBSK’s former lead singer to the entire world. Three months since the rising Gods of the East were united again.

And three months… since Heechul couldn’t stop thinking constantly about one single man, more than he did anyways.

That confession, YunHos courage, his bravery to be true to his heart… to his love – something he, Kim Heechul didn’t possess.

It had brought back everything. Just… everything. The past he had tried so hard to forget all those years, unsuccessfully, of course.

The pain… and the sadness… the tears, the screams… everything.

But most importantly… it had brought back his memories, had just enforced his thoughts which had never really stopped… not all those years.

Thoughts about one man… and this one only.

The one who had haunted his dreams for years, who had brought tears to his eyes, and at the same time happiness to his heart. The one man who had hurt him beyond belief, beyond forgiveness… and still, the only man who would be forgiven anytime, without a second of hesitation.

This one man whom he knew, he would… no, could, never see again.

Hangeng. Hankyung… or to put it simply: the man he loved beyond everything. More than he had ever love anyone – more than he would ever love again.

Hangeng.

He hadn’t seen him in four years. And it tore him apart – slowly, painfully… bit by bit. Every day, his heart broke a little bit more, until nothing was left. Nothing but shreds, bloody shreds of his once whole heart.

Hangeng…

Hangeng…

The one man who could handle him, even though they didn’t speak the same language in the beginning.

The one man who would stay by his side no matter what mood he was in. And yeah, he was famous for his mood-swings, not just within Super Junior.

The one man who had given him the feeling of home, of family.

Hangeng…

“Thinking about him again?” a calm voice interrupted the auburn haired man’s thoughts.  Startled, Heechul spun around, almost crushing into his younger band member Eunhyuk. He hadn’t heard him opening the door of his room.

“What are you talking about?” the taller tried to feign ignorance – in vain. All the younger did was rolling his eyes and crossing his arms in front of his chest, looking at his hyung with that certain glance. That glance that told you that he knew everything anyway. That it didn’t matter what Heechl said, he knew. That he knew the truth. That his question was more out of politeness than anything else.

“I… I…” he didn’t know what to say, biting his lips, Heechul averted his gaze towards the carpeted floor beneath his feet. Slowly, he nodded, not much, but it was enough for his dongsaeng, enough for the other to know he had been right.

Sighing quietly, the monkey squeezed the older man’s shoulder: “Come, sit down” and with a small gesture he pointed to the unmade bed at the other side of the slightly messy room.

‘Yeah’ the brown haired man thought, ‘Hangeng has been the tidy one of the two. He has been the one who kept the things at their place, who cleaned up after our little diva…I still wonder where he got his nerves from to endure something like that…’ he mused silently.

Obediently, the declared diva followed, sat himself on the bed, surrounded by wrinkled white bed sheets.

“So…” Eunhyuk paused, not really knowing what to say, or better: where to start. Sighing slightly, he sat down on the floor in front of the older man, locking eyes with him, searching in the brown orbs for something. Something…

“What…?” the older man croaked eventually, after a long, suffocating silence. Shyly he averted his gaze once again, not willing to look into his dongsaengs eyes.

“Hyung…” Eunhyuk whispered, slowly he extended his hand, caressed the said man’s cheek lovingly: “Tell me… just… tell me about it…” he knew he didn’t have to say much. He knew he didn’t have to clarify what he wanted. They both were aware of it…

And slowly, almost painfully slow, a single tear made its way down the auburn haired man’s heated cheeks, just to be wordlessly brushed away by his younger friend.

“I… I… I can’t forget about him…” Heechul’s voice was hoarse, almost inaudible.

Another tear, again brushed away by the monkey’s gentle thumb.

“He is like… stuck in my head or something” he continued, not bothering the tears which by now flew relentlessly.

“You know when… when he left… when Hangeng left, he… he took it with me”, desperately, the auburn haired man clung to his heart, almost ripped his shirt into pieces, as his fingers clawed into the thin fabric.

“M-my heart…” Heechul whimpered, still clutching his heavy heart, almost ready to tear it out of his body, too much was the pain he had to endure. And still, he couldn’t… because he knew, it was what he deserved. He deserved the pain, every little bit of it.

“… he took it with him… when he left us! When he ing left us!!” tears glittered in the older man’s eyes as his voice grew louder, “I can’t forget him! It doesn’t matter what I do! I can’t!!” he screamed. Screamed out his agony and sorrow. Slowly he slid down from his spot on the bed, now sitting right in front of the brown haired man.

“I tried everything, you know? Every ing thing!!” for the first time this night, Heechul searched, almost demanded, the gaze of his dongsaeng – and held it.

“Everything…” his voice died down, wasn’t more than a whisper, as he fumbled for his friend’s support, finding it in the other’s warm hand which squeezed his own softly.

“… I… I buried myself in work… I... I kept myself busy all the time… I didn’t want to think about him! I didn’t” he spoke under his breath “but… whenever I sleep, I dream of him, when I wake up, I think about him… all I can see is him! HIM, all the time!! Han ing Geng!” Heechul cried out, weakly hitting the broad chest in front of him.

“Shhht…” the younger tried to sooth “let it out… let it out…” gently he rubbed circles on the taller man’s crouched back.

“I… I tried to, really… and… and I thought it worked! I really… believed that” the singer whimpered “… but Y-Yunho, he… when he… told everyone… you know… when… when he told Jae that he loved him… when… when…” his voice got crushed by the thousands of tears that escaped his eyes, his tears.

Yeah, he knew, Eunhyuk knew. That day, that fateful night, when Jung YunHo declared his love for JaeJoong. The night DBSK’s leader told everyone whom his heart belonged to.

That night, when their band had gotten back to their dorm, Heechul had been quiet, awfully quiet. Without even taking his shoes off, he had shuffled into his room, shoulders slumped – a mere shadow of his usually proud self. Never had Eunhyuk seen his hyung like this – not since Hangeng had left them, all those years ago. Not since that horrible night, when Hangeng hadn’t come back anymore. That night, when Heechul would wait in front of the door, a blanket over his tiny shoulders and a bowl of soup in his hands – for the Chinese man.

The auburn haired man had waited, all night long. Never had he left his place, and when the first members went out the next morning for their schedule, he still… had been there. Sitting on the very same spot, he had planted himself the evening before. Still with the soup in his hands, death cold by now.

‘It wasn’t that we didn’t know about the lawsuit’, Eunhyuk mused quietly ‘he told us long before any of those journalists could pick it up… we were the first ones he told. And until now, I’m entirely grateful for that’ yes, the Chinese man had told them, all of them. But Heechul didn’t accept it, he simply couldn’t. Too much did it hurt when Hangeng, his secret love, had announced his departure. No, Heechul didn’t want to believe it, even when Hangeng didn’t come back that day, nor any other day afterwards, the auburn haired male still waited. It went like this for a month. And every single day, one of them, one of the Super Junior members would sit beside him, trying to give as much comfort as they could, because they knew – never again would their Chinese friend step through this very door. Never again…

How he remembered, it was a bitter memory, the monkey had to recall.

But ever since that time, so many years ago, he hadn’t seen Heechul like this. Until three months ago, when they had come home from the award show.

And just then, in that very second, when he had seen the older fleeing into his room, locking himself inside… just then, he had realised.

That never, not a single moment in his life, Heechul had forgotten about Hangeng. Not one single second.

“I…I…”, Heechul faltered, his voice hoarse of long dried tears “I love him…” and here it was, finally outspoken, finally told to another soul, even though it wasn’t the one it was destined to. His confession.

“Oh God… I love him… so much” it was a confession full of pain and moist tears, but it was real, oh so real.

“I just… I… just love him… so damn much…” another cry broke through the silent room. A cry soaked with agony and fear.

“I… I…” Heechul didn’t know what to say anymore, well, not that there was anything left to say anyway. But still, he had the feeling that it wasn’t over, that something was… missing.

“Shhht…” the younger of the two smiled, hugging his hyung tightly as the other cried soundlessly in his shoulder.

At least the diva admitted it… finally – it had been long enough. All those years of silent love – those secret glances, all those unnecessary touches, sometimes the monkey wondered why the Chinese man never had caught up to it, Heechul wasn’t exactly subtle even though the diva thought himself a ninja concerning his – in the latter’s opinion – unrequited love.

Eunhyuk’s smile widened at the thought of it.

Silence laid its wings over the room, slowly engulfing the two Super Junior members in its embrace.

“I love him… so much…” the faint whimper could once again be heard, melding into the heavy atmosphere of Heechul’s room.

“Then go… go after him!” it wasn’t spoken aloud, in fact, it wasn’t more than a whisper, but it cut the silence like a butcher knife. Brutal and irrevocably.

And as if someone had flipped the world upside down, Heechul leaped to his feet, staring at the younger incredulously.

“W-What did you say?” the diva’s voice was hoarse but steady and sharp.

“I said…” the younger took a deep breath, looking straight into the taller man’s eyes “go after him!”

He could literally see how Heechul’s face fell, how his features got out of control and hit the floor with a loud, echoing ‘thud’.

“You’re joking… right?” the elder’s voice quivered, insecurity clearly visible in his words.

Yeah, Eunhyuk knew what his friend wanted him to say, what he wanted to hear. Heechul wished that he was joking, that he didn’t mean what he said.

But no, he, Lee Hyukjae, meant what he had declared – every word of it.

“I’m not” he emphasised, still holding the other man’s gaze “go after him… tell him your feelings, tell him you love him” and those words, that little phrase was all it took, to make hell break lose.

“Are you crazy?!” Heechul screamed, burning holes into the younger’s face. Gone was the shivering, broken man he was mere seconds ago, gone the lovesick little Chullie who cried his eyes out. Replaced by the famous diva of the Kpop world, the iest one at that. Replaced by the one person, Eunhyuk had problems to handle.

“No”, the younger tried to stay calm “I’m not” he voiced the same words he did some moments ago while answering the burning glare with a quiet one.

“Tse” the older rolled his eyes, crossing his arms in front of his chest “you sure seem to be!” he all but spat the words into the still sitting man’s face. All he got was a raised eyebrow in return.

The posture of his arms, however didn’t last long as he already unfolded his arms seconds afterwards, hissing angered words towards the younger: “You think I should go after him? I?!?!” impatiently he shoving a finger into his own chest, as for emphasis.

“You are nuts, you know!” Heechul declared, again crossing his arms.

Enough was enough! Enraged the monkey stood up, now up to eye-level with his hyung and staring intensively into the latter’s eyes.

“Kim Heechul!” he growled, stabbing a delicate finger into the said man’s chest, but he didn’t get to say much as he was interrupted by the taller man’s exclaim: “What?! I’m right!! He should come to me! He should confess first!!”

The hell he was going to run after the Chinaman! He was Kim Heechul! Kim Heechul! Cinderella of Super Junior! There was no way on earth he would run after some guy – even if it was Hangeng, the somehow most perfect guy on earth – and confess his love to him.

No ing way!!

No. Way!!

And besides, why didn’t Hangeng confess? He was the man! He, Heechul, was the princess...

“He is the man! He should come after me!!” he finally declared, his voice higher than usual, almost cracking. But yeah, basically, that was, what he thought.

Eunhyuk however couldn’t believe what he heard. That couldn’t be real. Incredulous, with eyes wide open, he stared into his hyungs brown orbs.

 “What… what did you say?” he hoped he misheard. But the fierce glance in the taller’s eyes told him otherwise.

“… he is the man!” it was like listening to a small child pouting. Whining if it didn’t get what it wanted.

“You’re kidding right?” the brown haired man was shocked, not knowing how to react. Until… “you’re as much a guy as he is!” he cried out. He really didn’t see where Heechul’s reasoning was coming from.

But still, the older remained stubborn, crossing his arms in front of his chest once again as if making a statement while repeating his words and nodding to himself: “Sure, yeah. But still, he should come after me! He should be the one begging me to be with him!” exasperatingly, he opened his arms, threw them into the air, not understanding what his dongsaeng was so shocked about.

Yet Eunhyuk just stared at him, not knowing what to say.

“I mean, come on! I’m Kim Heechul! I don’t run after anyone!!” and with that he pushed his chin up even more, not looking at the shorter male anymore.

 “…Kim Heechul…” Eunhyuk wasn’t sure what to feel. To say he was disappointed was an understatement itself. He was more than that – he was devastated, never in his life would he have thought that his hyung was such a selfish bastard. And no, he didn’t have another word for his friend, because that was what he was. A selfish, spoiled brat. Nothing else.

A bitter smile tugged at his lips and after endless seconds of silence, he spoke up, almost whispering “… and you dare to say you love him?”

Confused the older looked back at his counterpart, titling his head to the side: “Of course” was all he answered. As if it really was obvious that he was sincere. That he had meant the words he had spoken not so long ago.

And this answer, was the last straw. By now, Eunhyuk’s inside boiled – and exploded like a bomb.

“Love?!” the shorter singer burst out, throwing his hands in the air.

“How much is your love worth, when it can’t even overcome your stupid pride?” Eunhyuk barked at him. Literally barked.

“You know what, Heechul?” he addressed the older man, a little bit more calmly, with a bitter tone in his usual nice voice, “your love… is nothing!”

Heechul looked shaken to the core, his eyes widening slightly, as he opened his mouth to protest.

But his dongsaeng would have none of that. No, not now.

Now, he would talk! For once, even if it was just this one time, Heechul would have to listen. Listen good.

“Do you know how long I chased after Donghae?! Do you have any idea?!” by now the monkey was screaming, and crying… and everything in between. Too much were the emotions, taking a toll on his exhausted soul.

 And Heechul remained quiet, shame making its way slowly into his usually orgulous orbs.

“Months!!!! I confessed, I kneeled! I did everything!! Do you know where my pride was?!”, again Eunhyuk didn’t await an answer from the older. He knew he would not get any – and to be perfectly honest, he wasn’t interested in one.

“… here!” he stomped on the ground, emphasising his words with his arm outstretched, pointing furiously to the floor “right here, on the ground, below our feet!” he breathed heavily, almost running out of air, as tears swelled up in his dark eyes, threatening to free themselves.

Seconds passed, turned into silent minutes… slowly, Eunhyuk’s breathing calmed down. It was the only thing heard in the dim lighted room.

“I… I…”, he trembled and eventually, he came down to his knees, his legs too weak to keep him standing. With tired eyes, he looked up, searched for the taller man’s gaze, saw realisation dawning into him. And gently he took the elder’s hand in his, squeezing it assuringly.

“… I was there, Heechul… and believe me… it is worth it. It really is” a warm smile grazed his lips as he pulled the older down to him, locking their eyes for a long time.

And yes… he could see – Heechul understood. Finally, he understood.

By that, his smile widened, as he put a lose strand of the auburn hair behind his hyung’s ear.

Here they were, sitting face to face with each other, slow breathing could be heard, but words – no, no words were spoken, just silence.

“What… what shall I do?” it was Heechul who broke it, his voice weak and raspy from shed tears. It wasn’t that he didn’t know what to do, deep in his heart, deep in his very soul, he did. But sometimes, he just needed someone to point it out for him. Someone, to give him a little push in the right direction.

And this someone was Eunhyuk, his little monkey dongsaeng.

A grin spread on the younger’s lips, as he pushed himself up from the floor, now looking down on the older man: “You go after him, as I said”, he declared, still grinning while pointing at the closed door. However, he was shushed by the diva’s desperate gaze just a moment later.

Exasperatedly, Eunhyuk huffed, but smiled once again, soon afterwards: “Wait here” and with that he all but ran out of the older man’s room, only to return mere seconds later, with one hand behind his back and an even wider smirk on the full lips.

Confused, Heechul stared at him, not really sure of what to think of the shorter man’s antics.

“Now...” the monkey stared, “I might know – by accident of course – that your dear Hangeng has a concert in town. Today, as in” he threw a side glance to his watch, to make sure, “… in half an hour” he continued “and – by accident of course – I have a ticket to go there” and with that he pulled said concert-ticket from behind his back and flashed it right into the older man’s shocked face.

“Now go”, Eunhyuk smiled warmly “it starts in half an hour…” and with that he pressed the ticket into the hand of his hyung, who was still too shocked to move, to even blink. But as soon as the plasticised paper made contact with his stone-cold hand, it seemed as if he woke up, as if he finally realised what was happening.

With wide eyes, Heechul stared at the ticket in his hand, one second… two seconds… and suddenly, as if snapping back to reality, he jumped up, almost knocking heads with the younger.

“S-sorry” he stuttered, while already running – more like flying – out of his room and mere seconds later out of their dorm, clutching the precious ticket tighter in his hand.

Left was a still smiling Eunhyuk, arms crossed over his chest, as he looked after the auburn haired man, or, let’s say, the door that just closed behind the said man’s back.

‘Go Heechul… make him yours…’ he thought as he suddenly felt a strong arm making its way around his shoulder. Startled, the singer looked up, right into his leader’s wide grinning face.

Leeteuk hadn’t missed a beat of their conversation, the monkey realised.

But now, the older didn’t look angry – far from it. He looked happy – no, to be entirely honest, he looked like someone had just granted him his every wish, and more. Happy wasn’t even a word anymore to describe his leader’s state.

“You know” Leeteuk began, still with that ear-splitting grin on his lips – it seemed his cheeks were exploding “I’m sooooooo proud of you!!” and with that he gave the younger a bone-breaking squeeze, trying to put his happiness into actions.

“I know” the brown haired singer answered, silently nodding to himself.

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~Kayuki