Know me like the earth
Where you were born and raised
till death comes to fill its thirst
Perceive me like the sea
Crystal clear
with unknowing secrets for one to keep
Hear me like the wind
Soft and comforting
a lullaby in the spring
Touch me like the air
Sometimes breathless
sometimes fair
Kiss me like summer
Lingering warm
enough to taste forever
Hold me like the winter breeze
Don’t ever let go
don’t even let me breathe
Love me for eternity
Since our days are numbered
And your promise is all that mattered

 

 

December 24^th, 1931

 

 

         “You ever slept with a girl?”

         A twenty-one year old boy choked on his saké—which he had obeyed to drink because his senior asked him to. Being a new soldier in the army meant that he had to do what his seniors ordered him to do, no matter if it was just a simple command like “Drink your saké even though you’re on duty!” or a more important one such as, “Kill that boy and bring his head to me!” Kai never had an option.

         A soldier should not ask questions even when they were dying from curiosity, which was why the tanned skin boy usually pretended like he understood and accepted everything that was happening around him as if that was just how the world naturally worked. The dark brown haired boy, known with the name Hasegawa Kai, though it wasn’t his real name considering his mother was Korean, was one of the latest additions to the Japanese army that “protected” their neighbor country, Korea. At least, that was how he was told anyway. Deep down inside, Kai always had a different belief of his own. Japan wasn’t protecting Korea from other countries that wanted its coal and gold. Japan was monopolizing Korea, and made it its own slave for their own benefits. But Kai knew better not to speak his thoughts aloud. He still valued his life too much, no matter how meaningless his life felt to him at the moment.

         But then again, why must his life matter when people around him were dying just because they tried to find their own sanctuaries? Why must he fill his life with laughter when there were children getting beaten to the ground just because they asked for more bread?

         The world was unfair. And Kai used to be scared of hell. But this… This life he was living at the moment, already tasted like one.

         “E-excuse me?” Kai tried to keep his voice down. Being in the middle of the winter season was already an enough reason for his cheeks to bloom in the color of the evening sky. He did not need the older man to make him look even more flustered.

         “I’m asking you, boy,” A man who were in his late thirties, scratched the untrimmed beard on his chin. His name was Sakamoto Jin, a strict commander of Kai’s division. Though he was a few inches shorter than the younger soldier, Sakamoto was stronger and more experienced in all means. Kai feared him the most, though the man regarded him as his new companion in battlefields. “Have you ever slept with a girl before?”

         “Sakamoto-san, I’m sorry if I come out to be rude,” Kai cautiously spoke as he bowed down a little and gave the saké bottle back to the older man. “But I believe you’ve drunk too much of this.”

“And you’ve drunk too little,” the man said, laughing as he pushed the bottle back to the boy. “Go drink up a little more.”

         “Sir, we’re on duty.”

         “Yeah, to watch a bunch of teenagers trying to collect those damn branches from the wood,” Sakamoto scoffed. “I doubt they’re gonna start up a revolution any moment from now. So drink.”

         Noticing that his tone was final, Kai only nodded and finally took a sip of the alcohol once more. He knew his tolerance limit and he wouldn’t pass it. He only swallowed the liquid to be polite and perhaps, just to keep himself warm. He didn’t intend to be drunk like the older soldier.

         “I haven’t,” Kai admitted with a quiet voice. “I haven’t… done it with anyone.”

         “Thought so.” Sakamato chuckled. “When’s your birthday?”

         “January 14^th.”

         “Only a few more weeks, huh?” The man yawned loudly and puffs of warm breaths appeared on the cold air. “Well, I tell you what. I’ll get yourself the best girl from our place. Think of it as a birthday present from me.”

         That place, Kai knew, was referring to the military brothel that was stationed in their campsite. Sometimes, those girls come to visit their barracks and do their duties as the “Comfort Women” for the soldiers. And any other times, soldiers would stand properly in line, waiting to enter one of the twenty rooms in the brothel to fill their ual needs. They did it involuntarily, of course. Those young girls were kidnapped from the streets or, more often, deceived by the Japanese government that they would get a better future if they worked for them. Those poor women ended up working as slaves—each person serving about a hundred military personnels per month, and if they weren’t cooperative, they would get beaten to death.

         Kai never came to visit that place. And whenever those women came to their barracks, he left with his light machine gun strapped on his back and disappeared into the night woods. He preferred spending the night sorting his thoughts near the frozen lake than to force himself to some lady he didn’t know. Even the thought of it disgusted him. This was wrong—those girls never deserved to be treated that way. But Kai was weak and powerless. There was nothing he could do.

         “No, thank you,” Kai declined, feeling angry all of a sudden. “I’m fine.”

         “What, do you prefer men?”

         “No, Sir. I just…” The boy took a deep breath, calming himself down and trying to sound not offensive. He put a lot of effort in not saying things like ‘I don’t want to commit more sins than I already have done’ or ‘it stands against my values to someone, unlike you and the rest of immoral idiots here’. After a few seconds of battling in his mind, he decided to just say, “I just don’t feel like it.” It was safe. It was simple. It was a lie.

         “You don’t feel like having ?” Sakamoto sounded like he just asked the most ridiculous question.

         Something about it irked him so much. “I just don’t feel like someone, Sir.” Not until his sentence ended, did Kai realize that he was almost growling at the older man. Immediately, he stood in front of his senior and did a ninety-degree bow. “My deepest apologize, Sakamoto-san! I was out of line! I will take any kind of punishment for my words!”

         Something glinted in the older man’s eyes, but whatever it was, he decided to ignore it. “It’s fine,” Sakamoto said and Kai bowed once more before he scooted back to his position. The boy straightened his back and kept his eyes once more to a group of young men, walking in line with branches in their arms. Their jackets were thin if being compared to his, and they had holes in them. And when Kai wore warm, fur hat on top of his head, they had none and the young soldier felt sorry for them.

         “Careful, Kai,” Sakamoto said in a serious tone and Kai shivered a little, but not from the cold. “You’re a kind young man, I know that much. But your kind values are the ones that are going to get you killed someday.”

         Kai turned his head to look at the man, his eyes weren’t blinking. “Sir…?”

         “Listen to me,” the man locked his eyes with the boy and Kai felt like he was being choked instead. “Women are dangerous. They betray us. They won’t hesitate to kill us in our sleep. We can’t trust them, Kai.”

         Kai stayed still, though his mind was screaming, but we’re not that better either.

         “They don’t deserve to be treated like people,” Sakamoto continued, “Treat them like toys. You don’t share feelings with toys, do you? You play with them.”

         Kai swallowed and his throat felt like it was made of sand. “And what do I do when I get bored with them, Sir?” the boy asked, because that was what the man wanted to hear. Sakamoto Jin didn’t want to witness kindness, sincerity, or mercy. He, just like any other soldiers here, craved for power, for grief, and for lust.

         Sakamoto smiled, his eyes shimmering like a proud father’s.

         “Then it’s time to throw them away.”

***

 

 

December 26^th, 1931

 

 

         Kai jolted awake when he heard a man screaming. The boy didn’t realize that he had fallen asleep for a few seconds there on his feet, perhaps getting bored of seeing constant movements of young men trying to pick up dry branches to make campfires that night. His head turned to the source of a voice and he found one Japanese soldier with horrifying scar on his left cheek, beating a young Korean man—who was probably around his age—to the cold, freezing ground. The dry branches from the boy’s arms fell scattered all around him and the pale-skinned boy coughed out blood when the man’s kick landed on his stomach.

         Kai knew that the soldier was a senior, and even if he weren’t, Kai wouldn’t dare to stop him anyway. That man was twice his size, with arms strong enough to break his fingers in seconds. Kai’s mind was telling him not to move a muscle—that if he tried to stop that man from beating the boy to death, he would meet his end that day too. But his heart was thumping loud, sending a rush of adrenaline to his veins and before he knew it, Kai already made a step forward.

         It was probably his luck, when another man appeared next to the pale boy and kneeled in front of his soldier to beg for forgiveness.

         “Please!” The man with darker hair—his was black, while the pale boy was more chocolate brown—said with two hands being raised in the air. “Sir, please! I beg for your forgiveness! My brother meant no harm!”

         But the soldier was not known for being kind. He was famous for being merciless. While Kai had never killed anyone before—be it the Koreans or another Japanese soldiers who bullied him by pushing him down into a frozen lake in the middle of the night—that soldier had killed hundreds. Kai knew that for a fact, because for every kill he did, that man carved a line on his barrack’s wall. The lines had become so many that Kai couldn’t see the original color of the wall anymore.

         The soldier picked the black haired man by his collar and raised his hand until the weaker guy’s feet couldn’t touch the ground anymore.

         “S-Sir…” The dark haired guy croaked in pain. “P-please…”

         “That boy tried to take a sip of my coffee,” the soldier said, pointing his head to the pale young man who was lying and breathing hard on the ground. “You think I can forgive him just like that?”

The dark haired guy coughed. His feet desperately moving in the air, trying to find a ground to stand on while his lungs screaming for air.

“If you want my mercy, you better beg for it.” The violent man threw the other guy to the ground and Kai winced as he looked at the scene.

         “H-Hyung…” the pale guy called, reaching out a hand to touch his brother who was gasping loudly. Kai felt a chill running through his back when he heard that guy speaking in Korean. It was clear that the Japanese government had declared that all Koreans should abandon their mother’s language and to only speak in Japanese. Hearing that the pale guy just called his brother in Korean, only meant one thing: it was either he was rebelling or just plain stupid.

         Of course that word had consequences, and Kai wasn’t surprised when the pale guy received another blow to his stomach from the cruel soldier.

         He was surprised, though, when the pale guy’s brother slapped his hand away. “SEI!” His older brother screamed. “KNOW YOUR PLACE!”

         And the pale guy looked like he stopped breathing for a second. So many things appeared in his eyes. From being confused, to afraid, until it finally ended to redeemed anger. Slowly, and painfully, the pale guy—the one named Sei, though Kai doubted it was his real name since every Korean was forced to take on Japanese’s names at that time—crawled to his stomach and pressed his forehead to the ground, bowing to the soldier.

         “I am sorry,” Sei said, his voice shaking in a broken Japanese and Kai knew that it wasn’t from the fear. It was from the wrath he tried to keep inside his chest. The tanned skin rookie soldier noticed that tears were lining down from the pale guy’s eyes, but Sei’s sobs couldn’t be heard. It was even more agonizing to look at him in some ways.

         His brother, the dark haired man, kneeled next to him too, bowing deep until his temple met the ground as well. “I beg for your mercy, Sir!”

         The soldier laughed, looking delighted for the power he had over them. He placed one foot on Sei’s head, pressing it down until the pale boy screamed when the skin on his forehead broke and bled out crimson color. “I can’t hear you, little boy,” the soldier said, his smile growing wider. “Come on, apologize some more.”

         Kai felt his heart stir and his hold around his machine gun was getting tighter.

         “SIR!” The pale guy’s brother pleaded even harder. “Sir, I beg you! Please let my brother go!”

         “SHUT UP!” The soldier threw a kick to the man’s face and the dark haired guy fell to the side.

         “I’M SORRY!” Sei finally screamed loudly and after producing another painful scream, he was finally released by the man.

         “Listen to your big brother, little boy,” the man said before he spat on the pale guy’s limp body. “Know your place.”

         The ruckus ended there when the soldier left with heavy thumps on his feet. The two boys were still lying on the ground, trying to catch their breaths. People, another bunch of Koreans like those guys, tried not to pay attention to them, even when they wanted to. They just walked with their head hung low, carrying branches in their arms like they were ordered to before the sun went down.

         Kai felt sick and he wanted to throw up. Everything was wrong. The world was not supposed to roll like this. It wasn’t supposed to resemble hell.

         The young soldier walked with hurried steps toward the boys and while the pale guy immediately shot him a glare when he was close enough, his brother was being more cautious.

         “Sir,” he said, bowing again with his palms pressed on the ground. Kai knew how painful it was for him to have a long scar along his jaw but that dark haired man managed to cover it up.

         “Stand up,” Kai said, not too loudly. “Stand up and hide before the others come to check you up.”

         The older one with the dark hair, lifted his head and gazed at him with confusion in his eyes. “But…” His eyes moved to the pile of branches that were scattered on the ground. “Sir, we haven’t—”

         “I’ll tell them you’re done for the day,” Kai said and quickly, he picked the other man up by his arm. “What’s your name?”

         The dark hairer guy looked nervous. “H-Hirano Rui…”

         Kai took an old handkerchief his mother gave him from his pocket and gave it to the man. “Your real name?”

         That guy blinked in bewilderment, perhaps contemplating whether Kai was just playing tricks on him. His brown eyes searched Kai’s even darker ones, and when the soldier nodded his head, the man made his choice. “I’m Luhan. And this is my brother, Sehun.”

         “Okay, Luhan,” Kai said, and this time, he tried to put on a reassuring smile. “I want you to pick up your brother and find someplace safe to spend the night. Meet me by the lake later before dawn. I’ll bring you guys some food.”

         Sei—no, Sehun—who was slowly being picked up by Luhan, shot him a glare. “Why should we trust you?” Sehun bitterly asked. “Why should we believe that you’re not going to tell your friends and kill us?”

         “Sehun,” Luhan called, his tone demanding silence coming from the other man.

         “Because if I really wanted to kill you,” Kai said, “You’d be dead by now.”

         Sehun didn’t look so assured but his eyes did flash around the machine gun that Kai held within his hand. His fingers were nowhere near the trigger.

         “Go clean up your wounds,” Kai continued, “If you’re too late, there’s a possibility you’ll get infected.”

         Though he was better in masking it, Luhan still looked a bit shocked from this kind of treatment coming from one of the Japanese’s soldiers. “But we—”

         “No question!” Kai said and he realized that he needed to step away right now before he raised any kind of suspicion. “Just do as I say and keep yourself safe. Take care of your brother.”

         And then he left, leaving those two boys with frowns on their faces.

         For the first time in his life, Jongin felt good.

         For the first time in his life, he finally knew how it felt to be human.

***

 

 

December 27^th, 1931

 

 

         “So your name’s Oh Sehun?” Kai said as he gave him an enough amount of bread to keep the boy alive for another day. The pale skinned guy’s eyes shimmered in delight when he picked up the food and without saying thanks, he took a huge bite and swallowed it down.

         “I’m sorry,” Luhan said, sighing at his brother’s behavior. “He tends to have no manners whatsoever.”

         “I have manners,” Sehun corrected, his thumb from the breadcrumbs. “I just don’t like to show it to those damned Japanese bastards, including him.”

         Kai, weirdly, found it amusing rather than insulting. “Still don’t trust me yet, do you?”

         Sehun didn’t even spare him a glance. The boy just stood up and picked a few little rocks to throw at the frozen lake.

         “Sehun isn’t always like this,” Luhan said, scooting closer to Kai and thanked him when Kai shared a cup of his own saké with him. “He used to be all fun and cheery.”

         “But now he’s bitter and vengeful,” Kai continued. “May I know why?”

         Luhan looked up and saw how the sky was painted with the soft color of red and orange, indicating that they still had some time before the sun came up and they had to go back to the reality. “Sehun and I aren’t brothers by blood,” he said, his voice a bit hollow, just like his stare. “I’m four years older than he is and we’ve been best friends since forever so I always thought of him like that. I’m originally Chinese, but I moved to Korea ever since I was little. We were neighbors, that was how we knew each other. We were walking back from school one day, when some Japanese’s soldiers entered our block and killed everyone around them for no obvious reason.”

         Kai felt chills running down his spine. He never heard things like this happening before.

         “Sehun took me and my mother into his place,” Luhan continued, his voice growing even quieter. “We were hiding in the basement when suddenly, two soldiers appeared in our house. My mother and Sehun’s parents tried to buy us some time to run away and they trusted me with Sehun’s life. I was only ten back then. I couldn’t do much. So I hid myself in a closet with Sehun plastered against me. And we waited until the soldiers went away. I put my hand around Sehun’s ears so he wouldn’t hear what was going to happen because I knew… things wouldn’t end well. It only took a few minutes, three gunshots, and a train of laughter coming from the Japanese men. Then it was all silence. The next thing we knew, when we stepped down from the closet, our feet were wet with our parents’ blood.”

         Kai sat frozen, looking at Luhan with wide unblinking eyes. “I…” He didn’t know what to say. This was horrible beyond belief. “I’m sorry.”

         Luhan smiled to his small plastic cup, but it appeared broken. “Losing people you love tends to do that to you, Hasegawa-san.”

         They both went quiet. Luhan spent his time staring at Sehun’s back, who was now trying to make small cracks on the edge of the lake. While Kai, on the other hand, was busy trying to process all of the information he just received.

         “Don’t look so sad,” Luhan chastised gently. “I don’t tell you my story so I could be pitied. I’m telling you this so you’ll realize that even after all these things that happened, Sehun and I are still here. Alive and breathing. And it’s partially because of you.”

         “M-me?” Kai asked, startled. “I barely did anything.”

         Luhan gave him a knowing look. “I saw how you held your gun the other day. When that guy was strangling me, I saw you holding your gun like you were ready to shoot him. And part of me believed that if he did hurt me more that than, you would’ve pulled the trigger for me.”

         Kai felt a bit flustered.

         “Am I wrong, Hasegawa-san?”

         “Kai is fine,” Kai said, not liking his Japanese’s name. Ever since his mother got remarried to a Japanese man, he was forced to change his family and given name. It had happened a few years back but he still hadn’t grown accustomed by it.

         “You don’t look so Japanese to me,” Luhan commented. His eyes were scrutinizing Kai’s appearance within every detail.

         “My parents were actually Korean,” Kai said, smiling. “My dad died in an accident a few months after I was born, and then my mother got remarried to a Japanese guy. For protection, my mother and I decided to change our names into his family name and pretended that we were Japanese since birth.”

         Luhan listened intently and he was quiet for a few seconds until he said, “And so you’re on their side now.”

         Kai froze.

         Was that true? Was that where his loyalty stand on?

         “I’m trying to choose a better option,” Kai quietly said. “Even when I belong to the Japanese’s army, I still think that this is not the way it should be. Being a Japanese doesn’t mean we’re better than the Koreans. We don’t have the right to abuse, to steal, to kill. I—” he realized that he was talking in one breath, so he stopped. “I just want to change how these things work, but I don’t know how. I’m in no such positions to make such demands.”

         Luhan stared at him with too much going on behind his eyes and Kai wondered whether that was a bad thing or a good thing.

         “What’s your name then?” Luhan asked, smiling softly which made the other man blink in surprise from the sudden topic. “Your Korean name?”

         “Kim…” Kai his lower lip nervously. It had been a long time since he last spoken of his original name. “Kim Jongin.”

         Luhan grinned widely and offered a hand. When Kai took it, the man shook his hand with confident and a basic promise. “Nice to meet you, Kim Jongin. It’s nice to see that there are still hopes left in humanity.”

         Kai froze for a few seconds before his face warmed in a smile.

***

 

January 2^nd, 1932

 

 

            “Jongin!” Luhan wrapped his arms around Kai’s shoulders the moment they met by the lake that night again. “How have you been, my friend?”

            “I’ve been well,” Kai answered, smiling lightly at him when they broke their hug. Luhan’s brother, Oh Sehun, came trailing behind the man with a familiar scowl in his eyes but Kai kept smiling and tossed him some breads and a fresh bottle of water.

            “These aren’t poisoned, right?” Sehun asked and Kai rolled his eyes.

            “I’ve brought you food for like five times by now and you still ask me that.”

            “I was just being careful.”

            Kai snorted and Luhan laughed, patting the newbie soldier’s back. “Come on and sit with us,” the oldest man among them offered kindly. “There’s a lot I want to talk about.”

            While Sehun was the more unsociable one, Luhan was pretty talkative and possibly nicer than anyone Kai had ever met. The Chinese man loved to share his thoughts, his visions, and his hopes for the world. Kai found it refreshing that in a gloomy place like this, he could find someone who was a truly visionary and imaginative enough to light up the place with his presence.

            “I wish I could marry someone someday, you know?” Luhan said, lying on the ground with his arms folded under his head. His eyes twinkling, reflecting the stars in the sky, while his brother was busily munching his bread with loud noises.

            “Hyung, that’s not gonna happen,” Sehun said and Kai laughed because when Luhan and him usually spoke in Japanese, Sehun always talked in Korean.

            “What do you mean it’s not gonna happen?” Luhan pouted, despite him being older. “I could find a nice woman for me one day.”

            “Hyung, we can’t even find enough food to live by tomorrow if this guy weren’t here to help us.”

            Kai shook his head in amusement when Sehun rudely pointed at him and referred to him as ‘this guy’. “Always glad to help, buddy,” Kai joked, which earned another scowl from the pale guy.

            Luhan poked his brother by the stomach. “Which is why you should be more grateful toward Jongin, you brat.”

            Sehun scoffed, throwing another glare at Jongin before he took a large sip of his water. “This is the least he could do for us, Hyung. Those Japanese bastards took our families away, remember?”

            “Sehun,” Luhan called, sitting up and throwing the younger one a knowing look. “Jongin is different. Don’t put him on the same page—”

            “He’s not different!” Sehun screamed and Kai wished Sehun could stop speaking like he wasn’t there. “This guy belongs to the army! He’s not our friend, Hyung! He never will be! All of those Japanese bastards deserve to die and so does he!”

            Kai was stricken aback. Was that how Sehun really thought of him?

            “Sehun!” Luhan barked, his eyes growing wide in anger. “You take that back and apologize to him!”

            “If he could bring my parents back from the dead,” Sehun said, standing up on his feet, sending ice daggers with his eyes. “I’d forgive him.”

            Luhan could only open his mouth but he couldn’t speak. Sehun was crying and Luhan wondered whether it was from pain, anger, or suppressed frustration. The younger boy walked away with angry steps on his feet and Luhan exhaled heavily.

            “God, I’m sorry,” Luhan said, gazing back at Jongin. “You know he doesn’t mean what he said.”

            Kai only smiled back but his heart was shattered.

            He didn’t know that he had to take responsibilities for the things he didn’t do.

***

 

 

January 14^th, 1932

 

 

         “First time?” A Japanese man asked Kai with a teasing look on his eyes.

         Kai gulped nervously, trying hard to will himself not to blush as he nodded and stored his machine gun away to his locker. The other man chuckled lightly, leaning his back against the wall as he spoke to Kai with his arms folded on his chest.

         “I still remember my first time,” the man said and Kai only listened without showing much emotion. He was still disgusted with these Japanese soldiers that could laugh after they used women to satisfy their needs and then just threw them away without even offering their gratitudes.

         “My friend forced me to,” Kai said and he didn’t know why he needed to explain this. Perhaps he just wanted to give himself a chance to redeem the guilt of the sin he was about to commit.

         “Ah~” The man slurred, his slanty eyes twinkling. “You all rookies said that at first. But when you’ve done it once, you could never stop. Before you know it, you’re gonna want to them everyday, believe me.”

         Kai’s fingers balled into tiny fists and he had to put his hands on his back to keep them away from showing. The young soldier only smiled to the man, but rage was bubbling inside his chest.

         “Shall we get in line?” the man asked with a wink and Kai tried not to slam his head against the wall. Disgusting.

         When he entered the second floor of the military brothel—the first floor was inhibited by the more ‘experienced’ es to ‘serve’ the noble men in the Japanese’s government—Kai was met by about twenty soldiers already lining up, one soldier per one door. There were ten rooms there—each one consisted of a bed and a bathroom for the jugun ianfu (Comfort Women) to clean themselves up after ‘serving’ their bodies for thirty to forty men a day.

         Kai held his breath down for a few seconds so he wouldn’t vomit.

         This place was sickening.

         “I’d wait to get into that room if I were you,” the previous Japanese man said, pointing at the door that stood on the most corner of the place. “She’s a total beauty and doesn’t talk much when we do it with her. You’ll like her.”

         As much as he wanted to punch that man, Kai knew his position and so he smiled, nodded, and bowed before he walked to that spot. He took a deep breath.

         Just get this over with.

         He waited for about ten minutes before a man came out from the room he chose. Kai recognized the soldier as the one who almost killed Sehun and Luhan a few weeks ago just by the strength of his foot. Another bile of rage started to pile in his chest but Kai channeled it down to a polite bow. The taller man zipped his pants, smirked at the tanned boy before he walked away with his chin held up.

         “Have fun with that , Newbie,” that soldier said and Kai sank his own fingers to his palms to keep himself from attacking that man.

         For now, he had to think about something else.

         He inhaled deeply and exhaled. And he did it one more time before he circled his fingers around the doorknob and turned it open.

         The moment he entered the room, his eyes scanned the place in a brief second like how he was trained in war—to always know your surroundings well. Kai noticed the broken wooden chair at the corner of the room. He saw how the dirty bathroom had no sink and no door—only a small tub with soiled water and a piss pot. He noticed how the bed was big enough for two people but it had no pillows or blanket. The sheets were crumpled and the white color had turned into a dirty shade of cream. And he knew for a fact that those stains on the sheet weren’t just made from blood.

         But his eyes stopped moving when he saw a woman with skin so white and waist so small that he could probably hug her body with one hand, lying on the bed with no clothes on. Kai quickly averted his eyes from the sight, even though all he could see was her back. In that short moment, he managed to notice the purple bruises blooming along her spine, tainting that snow-like skin with dry blood.

         For a few seconds, he could hear soft sobbing sounds coming from the girl’s lips. And when he secretly glanced, he noticed how her shoulders were shaking as she hugged her knees to her chest. He didn’t let his eyes linger on her body for too long. He felt like he was being disrespectful to her. Kai knew his friends would’ve laughed at him if they found out about this.

         The young soldier closed the door behind him and with that small thud, the girl immediately froze. Her sobs were muffled and contained, and carefully, she turned her body around until she was lying on the bed with her eyes on the ceiling.

         Kai brought his head down, not wanting to witness more curves of her body. But before that, he noticed how wet her eyes were and most importantly, how dead they looked. Those weren’t the eyes of someone who had the will to continue living. Those were the eyes of the defeated, who were willing to sacrifice their lives just so they could stop living in this rotten world.

         “Do it,” she said, her body lying limp on the bed. “What are you waiting for?”

         He was startled to the bones. His mind stopped working.

         Kai’s heart thundered behind his ribcages. He couldn’t do this. There was no way he could do this. He never wanted to do this. He couldn’t have with her, but he could at least pretend, right?

         And so he said, “Cover up.”

         The woman's lifeless eyes grew a bit wide but only for a second before she smiled understandingly. “Ah,” she said, “So you’re that type?”

         Kai frowned, not knowing what she meant and he blushed when she pushed herself up to sit on the bed. “What next?” she asked, not looking shameful of showing her body to the man. She kept her eyes toward his direction, but her stare was blank, as if she wasn’t looking at him, but through him. “Do you want me to bend over too, Sir?”

         “That’s not—” Kai blurted out. “Lady, please cover yourself up. I’m not going to do this with you.”

         The weak smile dropped from her face. “What do you mean?”

         “I mean,” Kai sighed, turning himself around to face the door instead when he started to grow impatient. It was embarrassing to be in the same room with a lady who is stripped out of her conscience on wearing proper clothes. “I am not going to have with you. I’m just going to be here in a while before I go out so they’ll think I’m… doing it with you.”

         “You…” Her voice has lost its confidence, and instead of pain and disappointment, he began to hear hopes in her soft voice. “You’re not going to do it with me?”

         “No, I’m not,” Kai said again, “Now, please. Cover up, Ma’am.”

         His words gave the air of uneasiness around them and Kai let himself be quiet, only trying to listen to the rustling sounds of her putting back her robe but there were no such sounds.

         “Have you dressed properly?” Kai asked, sounding a bit hesitant.

         “I…” she fell quiet before she continued again. “I can’t find my robe.”

         Kai frowned, knowing well that her robe was lying on the floor, just beside her bed. How could she not see it?

         Then he noticed something.

         Those lifeless eyes.

         That blank stare.

         Kai turned around, facing her again and it seemed like she heard the sound of his shoes meeting floor and she quickly wrapped her arms around her body. Kai didn’t look at anywhere but her eyes.

         “You’re…” he spoke, lips parted in shock. “You’re blind?” It was more like a statement than a question but whatever it was, that line gave more sense of insecurity toward her.

         “Which is something I should be grateful of,” she said, smiling weakly. “Considering how many demons are walking around this place right now.”

         Kai bit his lower lip. That sentence couldn’t be any truer.

         Slowly, he took a step forward and she jolted, pulling herself back in reflex. Kai noticed, then, although she spoke like she was used to that kind of treatment, she was actually still scared to the bones. She spoke like she was strong, but deep inside, she was probably even more fragile than the first time she got abducted to this place.

         “I’m not going to hurt you,” he spoke, loud enough for her ears to hear but not soft enough for her to stop being afraid. “I promise you with my life, I will not hurt you.”

         “That sounds like a lot of promise coming from a Japanese soldier,” she said, almost sounding like she was bravely amused but Kai still witnessed the shivers in her fingers.

         “I’m not lying,” the boy said, taking another step and she inhaled sharply. “I’m just going to fetch your robe back to you, okay?”

         Her lower lip still trembled but she didn’t do or say anything.

         Kai kept his eyes to the ground as he walked forward to pick up her robe. She kept fidgeting on the bed until she felt soft fabric hugging her from behind. She touched the robe, sighing at the familiar sense of comfort it gave to her hand.

         “Put it on.” Kai’s voice was soft and tender. “It’s probably only for a few minutes before somebody comes and takes my place but…” he smiled gently, even though he knew she couldn’t see it. “As long as I’m with you here, you don’t have to be someone that you’re not.”

         Her eyes grew wide and when Kai took his hand back, she reached out and wrapped her tiny, frail fingers around his wrist.

         For a few seconds, they just stood there like that. One of his eyebrows was raised in confusion but he didn’t ask question because he knew she was doing something. He just couldn’t tell what.

         “You…” she breathed out, looking up at him with eyes that were too beautiful to be functionless. “You’re not lying…”

         Kai blinked and finally he noticed. She had been checking on his pulse.

         He smiled, affection growing on him. She was smart and cautious. He didn’t even think of that, and he was a trained soldier, albeit still new.

         “I’m not lying,” he assured once again. “Can you trust me?”

         She swallowed and let him go. Careful not to make any sudden movement, he kneeled in front of her and wrapped the robe properly around her body without looking anywhere but her face. Kai’s cheeks were burning but he managed to stop his fingers from shaking.

         “You’re okay,” he whispered, and her eyes searched his face as if she was taking every bit of his appearance, though he knew that wasn’t possible. “I won’t hurt you.”

         She pressed her lips tightly and nodded. Kai almost breathed in relief but then her body shook entirely and she covered with one hand.

         Then she cried. Hard.

         The girl who tried to cover her fear, just broke apart right there.

         “Thank you…” she sobbed to her hand, her visionless eyes shutting tightly in gratefulness. “Thank you, Sir… Thank you…”

***

 

 

January 15^th, 1932

 

           

            “So how did it go?” Sakamoto Jin asked as he rubbed his fingers together to keep himself away from the cold. “Did you like your prize?”

            Kai almost threw him a glare but he managed to catch himself. “Yes, Sir. But I’d appreciate it more if we don’t discuss about it—if that’s all right with you.”

            The older man laughed. “What, are you shy? God, you’re ridiculous.”

            And Kai let the matter drop away like that. His seniors could think whatever they wanted to—it wouldn’t matter to him.

            “So, are you going to pay another visit to the brothel?”

            “Yes,” Kai said, and he almost smiled to himself. Perhaps next time, he could bring one of his old sleeping shirts for her. It would at least be warmer than just a layer of maroon satin robe.

            “That’s my boy!” Sakamoto clapped him on the back. “Already wanting for more, are you?”

            Kai sheepishly smiled, doing his part of acting. Though the joy that bloomed in his chest was too real to be faked on. Kai brought his hand up and his eyes lingered on the skin along his wrist. With another soft smile, he remembered the way she thanked him.

            It was a spark of happiness that he felt in his heart.

            A spark of joy from being able to give a chance to someone to know that life was an adventure worth to live for.

***

 

 

January 17^th, 1932

 

           

            Kai knocked on the familiar wooden door and opened it without waiting much for permission. If he did wait, it would only raise suspicions from his fellow soldiers and he couldn’t afford that.

            “Good evening,” Kai said, bowing a little to the lady in front of him and he felt a bit silly since he knew she couldn’t see. “It’s me again. From the other day.”

            The girl’s body went still and her expression showed that she was putting on her defensive posture. She kept her ears ready, trying to decipher if this guy who let her go the other day was really as kind as she thought he was.

            “Why are you here?” she asked, almost too coldly to his ears. “You said you didn’t want to sleep with me.”

            “Exactly,” Kai said. “I only came here to talk.”

            “Talk?” she repeated, covering her body with her robe and Kai blushed when he realized he was staring. “What do you want to talk about, Soldier? How to use women for pleasure?”

            It wasn’t like her spiteful words didn’t hurt him. They did. But he didn’t want to let it show. “You should have more respect on yourself,” Kai said and she almost growled.

            “Respect?” She snapped. “You want to talk about respect? My own mother sold me here to get enough money to stay rich for the rest of her life. I have to sleep with more than twenty men a day just so I could get some food to live through the night. And when I wanted to die, they stripped me out of my clothes and hung me outside for everyone to see how low I’d become. You want to talk about respect? Those are the respects your people gave to me!”

            Every word that came out from struck his heart like a javelin. But Kai knew well that she had no other way in channeling her anger and frustration. A few days ago, she thanked him for the few minutes of break and forgiveness. No, she realized that it wouldn’t contribute much to ease her pain so she broke apart once again.

            “Are you finished?” Kai asked and she bit the inside of her cheek, hot angry tears falling to her cheek. He wanted to brush them away with his thumb. “There’s nothing else need to be said other than ‘I’m sorry’,” Kai said, “And I don’t know if you would accept my apology on behalf of my country, but…”

            Kai slid down to his knees, making a dull thud sound when they met the floor, and he bowed down to her. “I beg for your forgiveness!” Kai said, pressing his forehead to the ground. “I apologize for the actions my country has done to you. You don’t deserve this. And though I am in no position to offer you some reward to payback for the suffering you’ve endured, and although I don’t have permission to let you go, I now bow my head down to you, feeling shameful and filled with guilt, to ask you for one thing.”

            Her breathing was ragged and Kai lifted his head to stare at her right in her empty eyes.

            “I want you to continue living,” he said, and she covered one hand against to muffle her sobs. “I will not say that your life will be easy. I will not say that happiness will come to you by the end of this day. But I can promise you one thing: if you keep on living, I will try within my power to make some moments in your life, even if they are just measured in minutes or seconds, worth living for.”

            She shut her eyes, two droplets of tears falling to her chin.

            “I will come here everyday,” Kai said, “I will stay here if you want me to. I will read you books to keep you entertained. I will guard the door so you can have a few minutes to sleep. I will be your eyes and I will tell you when the cherry blossoms are blooming. I will describe the color of the sky and I will try, for everyday in my life, finding a way to release you from this place.”

            “Why?” she asked, her voice creaking. “Why would you do that for me?”

            “Because ever since I met you,” Kai began and he could feel himself smiling. “I’ve found my chance to do something good for people, even if it was just a little. I saw how grateful you were when I let you go a few days ago. And I felt joy and I wanted to see you happy again. And that was the very reason why I’m doing this. Not only for you, but for myself too.”

***

 

January 20^th, 1932

 

           

            This is the fifth time I’ve seen her and yet, she still appears to be scared of me. To not be too contented with my presence.

            When I go inside her room, she seems to remember the sound of my steps. Her face is still closed and clouded, but she doesn’t say a word. She’s no longer angry or sad.

            She’s just there.

            Breathing.

            And living.

            And that’s all I could ask for now.

***
 

 

January 22^nd, 1932

           

 

            “Soldier…” She said with half-lidded eyes. Her wrists were still bruised from her previous encounter with a man who laughed loudly when he exited her room earlier. Kai had never felt so angry with someone as he was back then.

            “Yes?” Kai said, kneeling beside the bed and waited for her to speak more. She was lying on her back, breathless and her voice sounded hoarse. Kai knew how much he heard her screams before and every memory craved more scars to his heart.

            She sobbed softly and reached out a shaky hand. Soft tears started to fall from her lifeless eyes. Kai immediately cupped her hand with both of his warmer ones and brought it closer to where his mouth was whispering small words of reassurance.

            “I’ll stay here,” Kai whispered, her hair softly. “I’ll keep you safe. You can sleep…”

            When she felt his hand covering hers, she breathed out in relief and then closed her eyes. His warmth was comforting. The texture of his palm was familiar.

            And just like that, her breathing became even.

            She began to fall asleep, flying away from every wound and pain that life inflicted on her.

            “You’re okay,” Kai said, voice so soft—it became a lullaby to her ears. “You’re okay. I won’t let them hurt you again.”

            And maybe she could’ve smiled because this heaven felt a bit too real to be just a dream.

***

 

 

January 24^th, 2014

 

 

            “I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately,” Kai said, sticking a tree’s branch inside the firewood the three of them made that night. Luhan sneaked a glance at his face, probably analyzing his expression to know how Kai was feeling at the moment.

            “Me too,” Sehun said, yawning loudly as he threw a rock toward the frozen lake. Kai began to realize that it was an old habit of his. “But the difference between you and me, Soldier? I don’t whine like a girl about it.”

            “Sehun,” Luhan scolded and his brother only shrugged. Kai almost rolled his eyes but he saw Luhan smiling apologetically at him so he stopped himself and mirrored Luhan’s smile with a playful one.

            “Don’t you ever have nightmares, Sehun?” Kai asked and the other boy snorted loudly.

            “My whole life is a nightmare,” Sehun grumbled. “I wouldn’t know the difference even if I had one.”

            “Please ignore my emo brother,” Luhan said and Sehun threatened to throw small rocks at him. “What keeps you awake at night, Jongin? Thinking of some lucky girl?”

            While Sehun snorted again, Kai began to smile sheepishly. “Sometimes.”

            “Aaw~ Our baby Jonginnie is in love~” Luhan cooed and Kai bumped his shoulder against his.

            “Shut up, Lu. It’s not always like that.” Kai huffed after that. “It’s more than that. I haven’t had a good night sleep in a while because…” He paused, staring at the firewood with tired, but soulless eyes. “Well, I guess it all started on the first day I got put on the field. I’ve had my fair share of training as a soldier, but what you see here in real life is… well, different than anything you’ve imagined it to be.”

            “Why?” Luhan asked. Sehun, who didn’t bother to listen, yawned loudly as he placed his head on his brother’s lap. Kai gave them both a look but Luhan waved a hand nonchalantly, muttering, “Ignore him. He’s been this clingy from the first time we met. I’m used to it by now.”

            “Please. I know you like it, Xiao Lu.”

            “What, having a grown man’s head on my lap? Not likely, you brat.”

            And Kai smiled because this scene he witnessed right there, reminded him how it felt like to have a family. It had been a while since he last seen his mother, and only God knew how much he missed her at the moment.

            “When I began my training,” Kai said, “The only thing that mattered was how not to get killed in war. But now, I see that it’s not how it works anymore. Being a soldier means we have to be ready to kill innocent people. People like you and Sehun.”

            Luhan stayed silent. The fire danced beautifully in his eyes.

            “I don’t want to kill anyone, Lu,” Kai said, sounding like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. “I don’t want to be a murderer. I want to be someone who can protect. Someone who can help powerless people. Someone who can make them happy.”

            Luhan slowly smiled at him, pressing a comforting hand on Kai’s shoulder.

            “Someday you will be, Jongin. Someday you will be.”

***

 

 

January 29^th, 1932

 

 

            “Unwinds this world that ever turns,” Kai said, his voice was soft when he read the words that were written on the poetry book he held in his hand. “Slow it to a week. Where daybreak brings her honey kiss.” He let his eyes travelled to her lips just for a second before he caught himself. “And twilight, earthly tenderness, with night her rapt mystique.”

            The lady was lying on her side, her eyes staring blankly at the spot where she could hear Kai’s voice the most. His tone was gentle and his voice felt like a lullaby to her ears, but she kept her eyes awake. She hadn’t trusted him that much to let herself sleep when he was being in the same room with her. The previous night was an exception. Her body had felt so weak—drained—and she didn’t have the power to put up a fight to stay awake.

            “Unwind this world that spins so fast,” Kai continued and she thought she could listen to his voice forever, “Slow it to a day. When clouds flow back against Time's bend, and dying dreams reverse their end. Lost skiffs return to bay.”

            The way the sunlight hit her skin made it glow and Kai felt a bit nervous. She was indeed, a vision to see. No wonder she was the jewel of this place. No matter how much bruises of forced kisses she had, how much handprints and cuts from dirty nails appeared on her spine, she still looked like she was the purest form a soul could ever take in this world.

            “Unwind this world that twirls so wild,” Kai awkwardly cleared his throat when he noticed he’d been quiet for too long. “Slow it to an hour. When friendships paint a lonely sky. Spry dancers, all bounds defy; Fresh buds elate in flower.”

            With every word, her eyelids became even heavier and she felt his voice getting nearer but, to her surprise, her thoughts became calm. This was comforting. He was comforting. He was, by all means, her safe haven.

            “Unwind this world that whips around,” Kai whispered, putting the small poetry book back to his pocket before he kneeled beside the bed and gently brushed her bangs away with his fingers. “Slow it to that time.” He admired how long her eyelashes were and how they were still wet with tears that never seemed to stop. “When our goodbyes were yet of tongue, and Cupid's arrow had just been flung.”

            Closing his eyes, Kai leaned in and pressed a kiss to her forehead. The lady stirred a little in her sleep and he reciprocated with a smile.

            “Our love, a love sublime.”

***

 

 

February 1^st, 1932

           

           

            “All right, now let’s get down to business,” Sakamoto Jin said, blinking Kai away from his thoughts. “Some people said that there were a bunch of stupid Koreans trying to steal something from our storage room last night. We’re gonna find out who they are.”

            Kai felt an eerie feeling swirling in his gut. “And what do we do when we find them, Sir?”

            Sakamoto scoffed loudly. “Kill them, of course! I ain’t gonna have a tea party with those idiots!”

            Kai swallowed hard and decided to walk behind the man with his machine gun strapped on his back. A few minutes later, they arrived in a small place where they kept some Korean civilians there. The Japanese said those people were homeless and so they decided to keep them safe here. But the truth was, they were hostages.

            “I’m gonna make this quick,” Sakamoto said, hanging his gun on his shoulder as he stepped forward from the heavily armed group of soldiers. “Who had the guts to enter our storage room without permission last night?”

            The civilians, that were probably more than fifty people, cowered and hung their heads low. Kai scanned the place and saw Sehun and Luhan, standing at the back corner of the place. Luhan was watching Kai with wary eyes, while Sehun was scowling at each and every Japanese soldier there.

            When there was no answer, Sakamoto raised his gun to the roof. “I asked you a question,” he shot once and the bullet hit the ceilings, making the small cracks fell off to the floor. Some older women shrieked in surprise while Kai tried not to flinch. “And I demand an answer.”

            Things were bad, Kai knew well. And by the way Sehun was boring hole into Sakamoto’s head, there was a big chance Kai knew who was the culprit. It wasn’t the first time Sehun ever did something out of ordinary.

            Was it really you, Sehun?

            “It was me!” To Kai’s surprise, it was a woman who raised her hand. Her body was plump and her hair was grey. Her cheeks were bloated red and she was crying. “Officer, I’m sorry!” she said, already kneeling on the ground. “I was looking for a medicine. My child is sick. I’m afraid he’ll—”

            A shot and splatter of crimson blood painted the floor.

            Kai watched with wide eyes as the old woman fell to the ground with a bullet hole in her head. Her eyes were wide open, her pupils blown. She didn’t even get the chance to say her last words.

            The place broke into chaos.

***

 

 

February 2^nd, 1932

 

 

            Kai came into her room with his head hung low and his shoulders heavy with guilt and different kind of pain.

            Her ears perked up at the familiar creaking sound of the door and she knew that it was him right away. It was only Kai who always opened her door slowly, as if he didn’t want to intrude her time and be a lousy company for the day. It wasn’t like that all. She was waiting for him. She craved for his presence—the man who gave her a small taste of heaven on earth.

            She smiled a little before she remembered that she wasn’t supposed to trust the guy. He was a Japanese soldier—she shouldn’t trust him, no matter what. There was a big chance he was using her for his own advantages. It was just getting harder as days went by and Kai kept being the nicest person she ever met.

            But things were getting a bit quiet that night.

            No “Hello, it’s me again”. No “How are you feeling today, Lady?”. No “Would you like me to read you some poetry again today?” Nothing.

            Kai just remained silent.

            “What’s…” She started, eyebrows furrowing deeply. “What’s wrong…?”

            The soldier lifted up his head and the pain was so evident in his eyes, it was probably a good thing that she was blind. That way, she couldn’t share his pain. Kai didn’t want her to know this kind of emotion.

            “Nothing,” he said, even trying to smile when he knew she couldn’t see it.

            “What’s wrong?” she asked again, sounding firmer this time but not demanding. He knew she would respect him if he didn’t want to talk. It’s the fact that he soundedlike he wanted to speak that forced her to ask for more.

            “I saw my commander taking out someone’s life today,” Kai said, blurting out the words he’d been dreading to say before he could think it through. The man looked down to his feet; his nails were now sinking to the skin of his palm. “She was a woman, wanting to cure her child from sickness and he killed her. Just like that, without saying anything. And in front of everybody. I just...” Kai ended with a heavy sigh filled with frustration.

            She listened and she noticed how shaky his voice was. He never sounded so… weak before.

            “I know people die all the time,” Kai said, burying his face in his hands, wanting the earth to swallow him whole. “I know that, but must they die for doing good deeds? Where’s our humanity? Where do our feelings lie?”

            She held her robe to her body as she carefully climbed down her bed. She winced when her muscles screamed from her previous encounters with those rough soldiers but she kept her posture still. Kai was too drowned in his own emotions to notice her walking toward him.

            “And the worst part was,” he said, gasping as his breathing became short and fast. “I just stood there and did absolutely nothing.”

            She almost stopped walking for a second before she gained more courage and followed his voice.

            “I don’t know what was going inside my head that time,” Kai felt like he was reaching the brink of his sanity. “I just watched. I could’ve done something but I just—”

            She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him into a warm embrace. “Sssh,” she softly said, carefully the back of his hair. “It’s okay.”

            Kai went stiff for a few seconds before the boy broke apart in her arms. His previous anxiety slowly turned into a small sob when he whispered, “I just watched her die. I just… I didn’t do anything to stop him…”

            She didn’t say anything. She just hugged him with her tiny arms and let him bury his face in the crook of her neck.

            Kai was human and he still had his humanity in him. She believed that much and it was enough for her. It was everything for her.

            Because without humanity, humans are just empty shells filled with nothing but the ability to sin.

***

           

 

February 3^rd, 1932

 

 

            Kai raised one hand to wave to Luhan the second he saw the man standing on his usual spot near the lake. Luhan waved back but he didn’t smile. Something was wrong.

            Kai knew it had something to do with that incident. “I’m…” Kai inhaled deeply. “I’m sorry that had to happen the other day.”

            “You mean the killing?” Luhan asked, sounding casual and it hurt Kai even more. “Thanks for the bread, Jonginnie,” he said with a familiar but more tired smile as he took the plastic bag from Kai’s hand. “Again. I don’t know what I’m gonna do without you.”

            Kai didn’t smile because he didn’t feel like it.

            And it was okay. Luhan understood him well. He always did.

            “Where’s Sehun?” Kai asked, noticing that Luhan’s brother was nowhere to be seen.

            “We had a fight and he took off somewhere,” Luhan answered and he plopped down to his , sitting on the hard rocks as he stared across the frozen lake. The night was empty without the sounds of rocks being thrown. Kai didn’t realize Sehun had played a big part in his life.

            “Don’t worry, Jongin. He’ll be fine.”

            Kai heard the uncertain tone in Luhan’s voice. He leaned down and sat next to the older man. “What did you guys fight about?”

            “Nothing, it’s just…” Luhan sighed, rubbing his temple with his fingers. “Sehun wanted to get out of here. To get out of the country.”

            “What?” Kai asked, frowning deeply. “But that’s nearly impossible. You’ll get yourself killed!”

            “I know, that’s what I’ve been telling him,” Luhan said, yanking at his own hair. Kai had never seen his friend look this emotionally wrecked. “But after what happened yesterday, some parts of me thought that maybe he was right. Maybe it’s time for us to get out of here.”

            Kai still couldn’t find the logic in this. “But—”

            “Jongin,” Luhan cut him sharply. “That woman was my friend. She took care of Sehun and me when we were younger. Imagine how it feels to have one of your closest friends get their head blown off to bits.”

            Jongin swallowed the vomit that was about to come up.

            “I can’t live like this,” Luhan confessed and Kai’s felt his heart drop. “Sehun certainly can’t too. It’s… I can’t sleep at night, Jongin.” Luhan closed his eyes and his face contorted in pain. “I can’t sleep knowing that I might not be able to wake up tomorrow. I can’t—” His breathing became heavy and Kai could witness beads of cold sweat started to appear on Luhan’s temple. “I can’t protect Sehun like this—I don’t want him to die and—”

            “Wait, Luhan,” Kai stopped him, furrowing his own eyebrows. “Are you okay?”

            A trail of blood flowed down from Luhan’s nose and the man immediately brushed it off with his finger. “I’m fine,” he said, trying to mask it with a laugh. His fingers shook quite badly and the frown on Kai’s forehead became even more evident. “I’m fine, Jongin. It’s just… a fever.”

            Kai scrutinized his appearance more. “It looks much worse than that…”

            “Hey, don’t worry about me,” Luhan assured him. The man tried to cover his nose with one hand. “I get nosebleeds all the time. It isn’t a big deal.”

            But Kai didn’t appear like he was convinced at all.

            “It’s you…” Kai said, realization hit him like a truck. “That woman didn’t try to find a medicine for her son—it was for you!”

            “Jongin—” Luhan cut himself off with a cough. It was bad and Kai could see splash of blood falling to the ground when Luhan bent forward. He was coughing out thick blood, that almost turned as black as the night.

            “Luhan,” Kai hurriedly picked the man up, rubbing his back. “Oh God, Luhan, you’re dying—”

            “I’m fine!” Luhan said, pushing Kai away with a shove. This was the first time Luhan ever looked so angry. “I said I’m fine! Just stay away from me!” He coughed loudly once again, and more blood falling to his palm that he used to cover his mouth.

            Kai stood at the side, not knowing what to do. He had one hand in the air, ready to help the other man, but Luhan never gave him permission to.

            “It’s better…” Luhan breathed out heavily, wiping the blood away from his mouth. “It’s better if we don’t meet again, Jongin.”

            “What?” Kai asked, almost in an offensive tone. “Luhan, I can help get you some medicine—”

            “No!” Luhan shouted, his voice echoed through the air. “No, you can’t. You shouldn’t. I don’t want anyone else to sacrifice their lives for me.”

            “I’ll be fine—”

            “They all said that!” Luhan was so angry, Kai could see his fingertips trembling. “They said they’d be fine. They said they wouldn’t get caught. That they’d get me some help. And what happened then? They all died because of me!”

            “Luhan—”

            “If you,” Luhan’s chest was heaving up and down rapidly. “Jongin, if you think of me as a friend, you’d do this for me. You’d stay away from me. You’d keep yourself safe.”

            Jongin opened his mouth to protest but then he saw Luhan looking at him with pain in his eyes, and it wasn’t from his disease or something that was killing him inside. Luhan was pleading, begging him to do as he said.

            “Please…” Luhan whispered. “Please understand... I can’t lose anyone anymore. Especially not you and Sehun.”

            And those words were the last ones Kai had ever heard coming from the man.

***

 

 
 

February 8^th, 1932

 

 

            “It’s me,” Kai said the moment he entered the room. “Remember my voice?”

            The girl with the porcelain skin lifted her head, her blind eyes slightly growing wider and Kai wondered if it was hope that was written behind them.

            Since he was the first soldier that entered the military brothel that day, he was happy he could see her sitting on the edge of the bed with her satin robe placed properly around her thin figure. Jongin couldn’t resist the thoughts of how pretty she was from his head because she was indeed the most beautiful girl he had ever laid his eyes on. And he was dealing with agony, knowing that in a half hour from now, some ruthless men were going to paint her body with vain.

            Kai closed the door behind him and the way the soft thud reverberated through the air made her smile a little.

            “Of course I remember…” she whispered, probably more to herself and his heart warmed.

            “Is it okay if I come closer?” Kai politely asked and she looked stunned. Kai thought that this was probably the first time someone had ever asked that. Slowly, she nodded once.

            Kai walked with fast beating heart and he stood awkwardly in front of her.

         Kai could only be brave enough to stare at her properly when she was covered up like this. Her long, wavy brown hair was a mess, but he could imagine how beautiful it would be if she was just a normal girl, walking her way to school. She looked young—probably even younger than he was, though he still didn’t dare to ask. Her eyes were big and though they were functionless, he could tell they held many secrets behind those dark orbs. Her lips were red, and Kai wondered how many men had stolen innocent kisses away from her by force.

         “I might be blind, but I know you’re staring,” she said, smiling a little, but it wasn’t flirty. It was like a mask she tried to put on whenever she was scared, or uncomfortable, or embarrassed.

         Kai coughed once and cleared his throat awkwardly. “I… I wasn’t.”

         She fixed one hand on her robe’s tie around her waist and he wondered if that was her habit in trying to protect herself from the eager men. “How old are you, Soldier?”

         “Twenty-two.”

         “You’re new, aren’t you?”

         Kai nodded but then he remembered. “Yes.”

         “How long have you been in the army?”

         “About three months.”

         She opened but decided not to speak more. Kai raised his head to sneak another glance of her face and the Korean girl looked like a porcelain doll—so pretty and perfect in one way, but also so fragile and destructible in another.

         He felt awkward standing in front of her like that so slowly, he bent his knees and kneeled in front of her. Their eyes were now in the same heights. She took a sharp gasp, probably assuming that he was going to do something to her but she quickly exhaled in relief when nothing happened.

         “I think it’s time for us to start calling each other with our names, don’t you think? I’m Kai,” the tanned boy said. “May I know your name, Miss...?”

         She blinked once before she continued staring blankly at her lap. “You don’t want to know my name,” she said, “And you shouldn’t have told me yours.”

         “I’ve visited you everyday for the last few weeks. Is it so wrong for me to want to know your name?”

         “Yes,” she firmly said.

         Kai’s eyebrows knitted together. “Why?”

         “When we know somebody’s name, we become attached to them,” she quietly whispered. “And I’m not someone you should be attached to.”

         Kai went into silence because somehow, her line sounded too bitter and as if it had a deeper meaning than just ‘you-shouldn’t-love-your-enemy’.

         “Fine,” Kai said with a small huff. “You know my name but I don’t know yours. That’s fair.”

         Her face looked worried. “Are…” she nervously bit her lower lip. “Are you angry?”

         “I’m certainly not happy,” Kai teased, his lips smiling and it was sad that she couldn’t see how beautiful he looked. “But it’s okay. I can manage.”

         She looked unsure and Kai boldly took her hand. She gasped lightly and he quickly asked, “How do you tell if someone is angry or not?”

         “By…” She swallowed. “By the tone of his voice.”

         “And do I sound angry?”

         “No…”

         “Good,” he said and he let her fingers ran along the lines of his palm, remembering him in her own way. “What else?”

         “By their expression…”

         “And how do you tell one’s expression when you can’t see it?”

         She took a deep breath and when she exhaled, it was shaky, but Jongin squeezed her hand, comforting her and encouraging her to do what she wanted. “Go on,” he whispered, so soft, so gentle, that it made her heart stir a little. Carefully, she untangled her hand from his and placed her palm tenderly against his cheek. Jongin closed his eyes and couldn’t stop himself from smiling. Her touch was faint, almost like she was still scared of him, but it gradually began to change. She caressed his skin, trailing her fingers from his cheekbone, to his nose, going back to his jaw before they went to the corner of his mouth.

         “Do I look angry to you?” Kai asked, his lips grazing her palm and she shivered a little. She didn’t expect his lips to be so warm and soft.

         “No,” she said, running her thumb along his lower lip. “You’re… You’re smiling.”

         Kai chuckled and took back her hand in his. “Yes, I am.” Because of you.

         She loosened up a little and started mirroring his smile. “Is your hair black?”

         “Brown, actually,” Kai answered, moving her hand to his head and let her ruffle his hair softly. “A darker shade of brown.”

         “Oh…” She blinked her empty eyes and smiled again. “It’s so soft…”

         Kai’s face flamed and his next chuckle sounded a bit nervous and he prayed to God so she couldn’t tell how embarrassed he was right now.

         But she took her hand away and asked, “Am—Am I making you uncomfortable?”

         “No, it’s okay,” Kai hastily said, leaning his head into her touch again. “I’m just… slightly embarrassed.”

         “Embarrassed?”

         “Yeah,” Kai admitted, a shade of red painting his cheeks. “You’re the first person who’s ever touched me like this.”

         Her hand stilled a little and Kai hoped he didn’t just say something wrong. “You’ve never done anything with a girl before?”

         “No…” Kai said. “I’ve never had much interaction with females around here. It’s just… you.”

         “Oh…” She said and Kai scrutinized her expression. Was that sadness or joy he witnessed behind her eyes just now?

         “Hey, are you—”

         Kai’s words were interrupted by a loud knocking sound on the room’s door. He could hear another soldier shouting, “HURRY UP!” from the other side and Kai knew that it was his signal to go.

         The girl in front of him panicked and her shoulders started to tremble in fear. “Hey,” Kai said, immediately taking her hands in his. “Hey, it’s okay, I’m here.” But although he wanted to promise that with all of his heart, he knew he couldn’t stay for long. God, if there was just something he could do!

         “You’ll be fine,” Kai said, though he could hear his own voice breaking. “Hey, I’ll be here with you.” 

         “Kai,” Her voice was breaking his heart. It was clear that she was scared to her bones. “They’re going to—”

         “No, it’s okay,” Kai pulled her into his embrace, cupping the back of her head and let his lips graze the soft skin of her temple. “I’m gonna stay here with you. I won’t let them hurt you.”

         She wanted to hide and sink deeper into his embrace but she couldn’t. She could get him killed. She wouldn’t do that to him. “No. You can’t stay—”

         “There’s no way I could leave—”

         “No,” she said, taking her hands away from his and hugged herself tightly. “Please. There’s nothing you can do. They’re here. You should go. Hurry.”

         Kai grew frustrated and before he could sort a way to break her out of this place, the front door was being kicked open.

         “What took you so long, Newbie?!” A man with grey beard around his face shot a dangerous glare toward Kai and the boy immediately stood up, hiding the girl securely behind his back.

         “Sir, she’s sick!” Kai tried to sound convincing. “She’s ill and she needs some rest. I beg for your permission to let her go for the day.”

         “K-Kai, stop…” she whispered and Kai only stood even more protectively in front of her.

            “And why should I care?” The older soldier spoke up. “She’s here to please me. I don’t have to do anything for her.”

            Anger spiked up in every corner of Kai’s mind. “Sir, I—”

            “Kai,” she whispered, one hand clutching to the back of his uniform. “You need to leave.”

           Kai blinked his eyes angrily. Why was she doing this? Didn’t she know he was trying to save her out of her misery? Kai almost snapped right then but when he turned around, he noticed she was smiling with her empty eyes. But that wasn’t a smile of joy. It was a smile of knowing what was best to do for the person you cared about.

            She reached up a hand and caressed his face again. “I’m okay. I’m used to this,” she said softly and for a moment, all the anger radiated off his body. “Thank you for giving me the best few minutes of my life.”

            And those words were the last things Kai could hear before two soldiers hauled him up away from her room.

***

 

February 16^th, 1932

 

           

            When Kai entered her room that night, she was screaming on top of her lungs, trying to distance herself as much as possible from him. She had her back pressed against the wall and her hands raised in front of her. “STAY AWAY!” she screamed; her voice filled with tremble. She was and Kai would’ve looked away if he wasn’t too shocked over the horrified expression she had on her face at the moment.

            “What—” Kai frowned, feeling a surge of panic rising in his chest. “Hey, it’s me—Kai—You don’t have to—”

            “STAY AWAY!” She shouted again, voice sounding even shakier.

            Kai felt like someone was continually jabbing a knife through his heart. “I’m not going to hurt you—”

            “Please…” She was crying, sobbing violently until her knees started to tremble and she slid down to the floor. “Don’t hurt me anymore, please… Enough…”

            Kai froze to his feet, staring at her body with wide eyes filled with shock. He saw fresh cuts on the side of her thighs when she hugged her legs to her chest, burying her face in them. Her frail body trembled ferociously as she kept whispering, “Don’t hurt me… Don’t hurt me… Please… Please… Please.”

            Kai began to take light steps toward her, not wanting to make any sound that could surprise her. He kneeled down in front of the lady and gently laid his hand on top of hers.

            “It’s me…” he said, noticing how broken he sounded. “You don’t need to be afraid. I won’t hurt you.”

            Remembering the lines on his palm, she slowly lifted up her head and stared blankly at him with tears-streaked face.

            “Kai…”

            He almost smiled but he couldn’t. He only felt anger and disappointment toward himself. He promised he would protect her but look at her now.

            “Let’s get you back to bed, okay?” he said and gently picked up her body in his arms. She didn’t weigh much and it worried him terribly. How much had she eaten for the past few weeks?

            “You shouldn’t look at me,” the lady said when Kai laid her down to her bed. She curled up into a ball and turned away from him. Kai stood frozen when he noticed how today, there were new bruises along her bare spine as well.

            Kai reached out forward. “Are you okay—”

            “Don’t!” She shouted, clamping her fingers against her ears as she sank deeper into her sheets. “Don’t come any closer! Don’t look at me—I’m… I’m disgusting.”

            She was bare, and broken, and her skin looked paler with hints of purple tints. He tried to look for her robe but when he found it, the fabric was torn apart and anger started to rise to his throat.

            “Who did this to you?” he asked and he wanted to punch himself on the face. How could he ask that? How could he even let himself think that when she was still scared from her previous encounter with those violent soldiers? How could he put his rage on top of her well-being?

            After inhaling a deep breath, Kai sat himself on the edge of the bed. This was probably the first time he ever let himself near her like this. She curled herself into a ball, hugging her knees to her chest and her long brown hair managed to cover some of her soft skin but Kai could still see the bruises. Slowly, he took off the outer jacket of his uniform, and wrapped it around her body like a blanket.

            “You’re okay,” Kai whispered as he lay down next to her. He pressed his cheek to the sheet and reached out for her hand, but she shook her head no and pressed both of her palms to herself. His eyes locked with her functionless ones that were still shaking after the traumatic events that occurred to her and Kai wondered how could he ease her pain. “You’re not disgusting. You’re beautiful.”

            “I’m nothing,” she sobbed. “I’m just a —”

            “You’re not,” Kai said, moving closer to cup her face and lift it up to meet his. “You’re a woman. A beautiful, beautiful young woman.”

            Her eyes blankly searched his and she looked stern for a few seconds until she pressed her palm against the back of his hand that was cupping her face.

            “You’re shaking,” she said and that was when Kai realized that he was on the verge of breaking apart as well. “Why are you trembling, Kai?”

            Yes, why was he?

            He didn’t even know her name. She wanted them to act like strangers so why was he feeling like this?

            “I don’t know…” he whispered and he was being honest. “I guess… I’m terrified.”

            She reached out a hand, trailing a finger along the corner of his mouth and she frowned sadly when she realized that he wasn’t smiling. “Terrified…?” she asked.

            He nodded and took her hand away from his face just so he could lay comforting kisses on the inner side of her palm. “I was afraid that you were gonna lose yourself,” Kai admitted. “I was afraid that you were giving up on life and that I would never be able to see you again.”

            A tear slipped from the corner of her eye. “I’m tired of this, Kai.”

            “I know,” Kai said, leaning in to press a kiss on her temple. “I know. I’m trying to find a way to get you out of here.”

            “No,” she immediately said. “You can’t. If they find out, they’ll kill you.”

            “I don’t care,” he said, slowly pressing down and sinking deeper into her embrace. “I’ve never truly lived anyway.”

***

 

 

 

March 12^th, 1932

 

 

            “I know you were waiting for me,” Kai shyly teased as he laid himself next to her in her bed. Months had passed since their first meeting and she had grown accustomed to his presence. Every night, whenever he had no work to do, Kai always visited her, reminding her that every day was a day worth living for. He was her cure, her safe haven, a moment of dream that existed for a few minutes in her real life. He was her happiness.

            The soldier had spent weeks trying to find out how to get her out of there, but it was nearly impossible. His superiors had thrown him suspicious looks whenever Kai went out of her room, but thankfully, they didn’t do more than that. Kai had been lucky, but he knew one day his luck would run out. It was only a matter of time.

            It was the beginning of spring and they were lying on their sides in bed, with their faces facing one another. Kai took his time remembering every part of her body. The little mole she had above her upper lip. The way her eyelashes fluttered when she talked. And the way small bones were protruding under the thin skin around her collarbones. Until that day, he never witnessed her fully . He didn’t want to be disrespectful. He didn’t want to look at her without her permission. She was a person with feelings, and that was how Kai always looked at her.

            “I wasn’t waiting for you,” she said, playing with his fingers. Kai realized that she loved to intertwine their fingers together. She found it to be comforting. She could tell when he was upset, or when he was sad, scared, or even flustered. But the thing she liked to do the most was touching his lips, feeling his smile underneath her fingers and picturing how pretty it was in her head.

            “You were,” Kai said, chuckling a little. “I’ve visited you everyday for the past few months and you still can’t get enough of me.”

            “That’s not true,” she said with a soft smile. He was entranced by how pretty she was.

            I want to keep you, he wanted to say, I want to keep you for myself.

            “Kai isn’t my real name,” Kai said, looking at her with loving eyes as he shared more secrets with her. “Hasegawa Kai is a name my step-father gave to me. I was actually born and raised in Korea, with the name Kim Jongin.”

            “Kim… Jongin…” she whispered, sounding like she was adoring his name and that made his heart thump faster. She smiled tenderly, reaching out to touch his cheek. “I like it.” She traced her index finger along his sharp jawline. “It somehow suits you better, Kim Jongin…”

            Kai swallowed, silently praying that she couldn’t feel the burning heat that rose to his cheeks. He decided to distract himself away from her, thinking about the sun or those beautiful cherry blossoms outside because he couldn’t trust himself that he wouldn’t kiss her if he thought about her for another second.

            “Kang Haiwen,” the lady said and Kai blinked himself out of his thoughts.

            “S-sorry?”

            “My name,” she sheepishly smiled, blush coloring her cheeks and this was the first time he ever saw her like this. “My name is Kang Haiwen.”

            “Haiwen…” Kai pronounced the letter and her blush grew even deeper. “It suits you well too. It’s beautiful.”

            “It’s nothing,” she said, turning away to the other side so she could hide her face from his gaze. To her surprise, Kai went closer and hugged her from behind, gently wrapping his strong arms around her tiny waist and buried his face in the crook of her neck.

            “K-Kai…?”

            “You’re everything,” Kai said, closing his eyes and breathing in her scent. “You’re not nothing. You’re everything to me.”

            She felt like something was wrong with her because her heart shouldn’t be beating this fast. She smiled to herself, feeling so happy that she could just die like this in his arms and she’d have no regrets.

            You’re everything to me too, Kim Jongin.

***

 

 

March 16^th, 1932

 

 

            Jongin woke up in a small nursery room. His eyes still felt heavy and he couldn’t remember what happened or why was he here. When he looked at the window, it was dark, and he knew he should’ve gone somewhere by now. He should’ve been there in her room, witnessing another of her precious smile before he stored it to his mind.

            Haiwen..

            But when he tried to move, pain reverberated from his lower abdomen and he groaned loudly.

            “Easy, there, easy,” Sakamoto said, standing from his seat beside the bed. “You don’t want to open your wound, boy.”

            “Ah,” Jongin hissed in pain when Sakamoto tried to check on his wound. “What happened?”

            “We were attacked,” Sakamoto said, smiling a little and this one wasn’t snarky. “Somebody tried to kill me with a knife and you threw yourself in front of me. You saved my life, Kid.”

            “Me?” Kai asked, not remembering any of it. “I… I did?”

            “Yeah, you got a long cut on your stomach but thank God you survived,” the older man patted his head. “You knocked your head when you fell down so you had a concussion. Maybe that’s why you don’t remember. You passed out for two days.”

            Two days?

            “Oh…” Kai calmed down a little, but his eyebrows were furrowed. That means Haiwen has been waiting for me for two days. Kai swallowed the thought and hoped nothing bad happened to her. “Who attacked us, Sir?”

            “I don’t know,” Sakamoto said, his face glinted in anger. “There were only a few of them. And they wore something around their head, so I couldn’t make out their faces.”

            “Were they Koreans?”

            “Think so,” Sakamoto huffed, obviously displeased. “Whoever they are, I’m gonna find them and kill them with my own hands.”

            Something felt weird. If they were indeed Koreans, that would be the first in this camp. No one had ever started a rebellion against the soldiers before.

            “Hey, so I owe you my life,” Sakamoto said and Kai decided to throw away his thoughts for now. “Do you need my help for something?”

            “Oh, no, it’s—” But then Kai realized it. “Actually, yes. I do need your help.”

            “Mention it, boy. I’ll do anything for you.”

***

 

March 17^th, 1932

 

 

            Kang Haiwen woke up in the middle of the night, feeling just as restless when she went to sleep ten minutes ago. Being locked up in the military brothel only meant that she could only sleep for three hours a day, while the rest of those hours were used to keep the men company. She had been too exhausted on the first few months here, but the longer she stayed here, the more her body managed to adapt to the situation.

            She never had a night visitor before—well, not during her resting hours anyway. The guards wouldn’t give permission to anyone at this hour. But those knocking sounds… They sounded familiar.

            “Haiwen.”

            Her eyes grew wide as she sat up quickly on her bed. was parted in a small gasp. “Jongin?!”

            “Shush,” the man covered her lips although he was chuckling a bit to himself as well. “Don’t be too loud. The guards don’t know I’m here.”

            But she couldn’t keep her excitement to herself. Quickly, she raised herself to her knees and wrapped her arms around Kai’s neck, pulling the man into her bed. “Jongin,” she said against his ear, hugging him tightly to his chest. “Oh, Jongin, I’ve missed you!” Tears were starting to form behind her eyelids and her fingers shook slightly when she embraced him. I thought I lost you...

            “I’ve missed you too, Haiwen,” Kai replied, kissing her temple just like he always did. She giggled at the sound of her name being called and the man thought she looked even younger right then. He explained the reason why he didn’t visit her for these last few days (he said it was because of work, not because of the wounds in his stomach) and she nodded her head understandingly.

            “How could you get in here, though?” she asked. “It’s not visiting hours yet, is it?”

            “I got a help from a friend.” Kai peppered soft kisses from her jaw to her ear. “I can stay here with you for the rest of the night.” And she looked like she wanted to cry again when she hugged him and pulled his body down to the bed. The man towered over her, pressing a soft kiss to her cheek. Kai was careful not to crush her body down with his weight, and he was trying not to move too much. His wounds were still healing.

            “Ouch, ouch,” Kai hissed when her knees grazed his stab wound.

            “What?” she asked, panicking. Her blind eyes searching the air. “What is it?”

            “You just kneed my wound,” Kai said, chuckling a little as he rolled to his back. The bed dipped a little from his weight. Haiwen rose up and gently ran a hand to his chest.

            “Where is it?” she asked.

            Kai carefully tangled his hand with hers and brought it down to his lower abdomen. She could feel thick bandages underneath her fingers. “Don’t you dare poke it with your fingers, okay?” he joked but she wasn’t laughing. Her face was serious and thoroughly concerned.

            “What happened?” she asked, her eyebrows knitted worriedly.

            “Accident at work,” he tried to keep it simple. “It’s not a big deal. It’ll heal.”

            She didn’t look satisfied with that answer.

            “Haiwen, I’m fine,” he said, laughing a bit as he caressed her cheek. “Don’t worry about me.”

            She rolled her lower lip between her teeth. She had her palm pressed against the back of Jongin’s hand that was cupping her cheek. “Jongin…”

            “Hmm?” he hummed, bringing her hand to his face and kissed her palm. It was becoming a new habit of his and her most favorite thing in the world. “What is it?”

            “I don’t want you to get hurt,” she softly said but in such serious demeanor that Kai had to stop his ministration. “I don’t... I don’t want to lose you.”

            Kai looked at her with a softer gaze. His heart became warmer and everything felt better in a way. He slowly sat up and cupped her face with both hands.

            “I’m not going anywhere,” Kai said, rubbing comforting circles on her skin with his thumb. “I’m here with you.”

            She smiled and closed her eyes, reveling in his touch before she kissed the inside of his palm just like how he usually did to her. “Your hand is rough,” she said, kissing the same spot that made shivers ran through his spine. “But your hair feels so soft. Why is that?”     

            Kai couldn’t think of anything to answer. He didn’t even think he could speak. So it surprised him when he found himself muttering a question: “Can I kiss you?”

            Haiwen froze, her eyes were left unblinking. Her stare was as empty as ever but soft blush was growing apparent on her cheeks.

            Then she nodded shakily and Kai never let a second to waste.

            Kai bent down and kissed her firmly on the lips. That was his first kiss and he didn’t really know what to do. All he could think about was how soft her lips feel underneath his. And how he could never want to let her go.

            The kiss was young and hasty, and just as reckless as he was as a person. Haiwen was clutching to his neck as if she was about to drown, and Kai felt something swirled in the pit of his stomach.

            “Keep you,” he sighed into as he laid her down to the bed once again. “I want to keep you. Haiwen...”

            The lady let out a soft gasp when Kai moved his lips down to her neck. She carded her fingers through his soft hair, while her other hand was locked with his beside her head. Kai was gentle and passionate at the same time. Everything felt overwhelming.

            “Jongin…” She gasped when he pressed against her and Kai molded their lips together again. “Jongin, I—”

            “I love you,” the man said before she could finish her line. He pulled back and gazed deeply into her eyes even when it was useless. Sometimes he wished she could see him back, but he realized that she did. She always looked at him in her own ways. She probably even understood him more than anyone.

            She placed her hand on his chest, and she smiled when she looked up at him. “Your heart is pounding, Soldier.”

            Kai laughed softly. “It’s kind of a package deal when you confess your love to someone.”

            She bit her lip, reaching out a hand again and Kai bent his head down so she could press it against his cheek. “I wish I could see you,” she said, sighing softly as she trailed her fingers along his sharp jawline. “You must be so handsome.”

            Kai smiled in the most innocent way possible.

            “This...” She started, leaning forward to catch his lips in a chaste kiss. “I always love it when you smile like this,” she said, running her index finger across his lips. “I could imagine it vividly in my mind.”

            “And how do I look?” Kai asked as he kissed her fingertips. She let it slip between his lips and shivered when she felt how warm he was.

            “Handsome,” she said, smiling timidly. “Sometimes it’s not just a smile. Sometimes it’s a smirk. Like a teasing, boyish smirk.”

            Kai chuckled but he stopped abruptly when she slowly pushed him off her so she could sit on the bed. Her robe slipped down her shoulders, revealing amount of milky white skin that looked so soft. She lay back down on the bed, blushing when she felt his eyes ravishing her body for the first time.

            “Come here,” she shyly said, gesturing him to come close with trembling fingers.

            “A-are you sure?” he squeaked out and she laughed a little, getting even embarrassed as well.

            “Yes.”

            And with that, Kai pressed down against her again, colliding his warmth with hers, sinking into her embrace and breathed in the same air. She smelled sweet, like apples and peaches. While to her, Kai tasted wild and fresh, like the pine trees after the storm.

            “I love you too,” she said breathlessly. “I love you so much, Kim Jongin...”

            There was a rush of feelings and his chest hurt because he couldn’t contain it. He channeled it through his kisses that grew even more feverish as more time went by. Jongin, Haiwen noticed, always kissed her like time was about to swallow him whole and their days together would end in a few seconds. But then she realized maybe it was true. Their days were indeed numbered. Moments like this couldn’t last forever.

            With that thought in mind, she embraced him again, running her fingers down his spine and raked them back up when Kai curled his tongue around hers.

            “Jongin...” Kai loved the way she called his name. She made him feel worthy. She made him feel loved.

            When Kai held her that night, he was gentle and loving. But at the end, she began to cry, wrapping her arms around him tightly so he couldn’t see her face.

            “I...” she sobbed softly to his shoulder. “I’ve never been this happy in my entire life.” And Kai cradled her in his arms, kissing her hair and whispered how much he loved her for the rest of the time they had together. If he had more time, he would’ve described how happy she made him feel. How just a brush of her leg against his sent warmth to his veins. How every touch of her hand gave him more life, more reasons to live. How every kiss from her cherry-colored lips managed to set his soul on fire.

            But time was off-limit. She was drifting away, falling into sweet dreams of handsome boy with brunette hair and kisses that tasted like summer. And Kai let her sleep, let her rest, let her smile in her sleep.

            “Forever,” Kai whispered, brushing his lips against her forehead one last time before he lost himself to his dream state as well. “I’ll keep you like this... Forever...”

            An hour later, Kai woke up with gentle lips placing lingering kisses on the tip of his nose. The twenty-two years old boy slowly opened his eyes, still heavy with sleep. “Hey,” he said, smiling sleepily.

            “Hi,” she responded with a soft smile and Kai wrapped his arms around her waist to pull her close. He closed his eyes again when he felt her lying down her head on his shoulder.

            “Thank you for the hairpin,” she whispered in his ear, kissing his earlobe until he smiled widely though his eyes were still tightly shut.

            “Do you want me to describe it to you?” he asked and she nodded. Jongin rubbed his eyes open and scooted back to the headboard, laying his to the wooden surface. He tugged her close gently by the hand and she followed. Jongin rearranged the sakura hairpin on her head, clipping her bangs so they wouldn’t fall to her eyes. She waited patiently for his words.

            “The hairpin looks pink in color,” Kai began, caressing her cheek with one finger. “It’s shaped like a cherry blossom, tiny but different than the others. But that’s not what I’d like to describe to you. That’s not what I want to see.”

            She cutely tilted her head to the side in curiosity.

            “This right here,” Kai pointed by grazing his thumb along the tiny mole above her upper lip. “Is the one I always remember before I go to sleep. It makes me want to kiss you one more time.” And Kai leaned in, pressing his lips gently against hers. When he pulled away, she could still feel his warm breath on her lips. “And again,” he smiled, kissing her again. “And again.” He pecked her one more time until she giggled softly in front him. “Until I realize that maybe I don’t want to sleep at all. Maybe I just want to stay awake and kiss you forever.”

            “Liar,” she said, playfully pushing him away by his chest. “You’re always sleepy.”

            “No, I’m not,” Kai replied, chuckling. He sighed contentedly when she was back lying her head above his heart, hearing the constant thumping sounds and how alive he was underneath her lips.

            “Jongin…?”

            “Hmm…?”

            “What does eternity feel like?” she asked, her visionless eyes staring at the air as she painted faint circles on his bare chest.

            “A very long time,” Kai murmured against her hair.

            “Then keep me for eternity, will you?” she whispered and Kai opened his eyes once more, frowning at her words that sounded too serious to just be a flirty rambling in the morning.

            “Haiwen...?”

            “Jongin,” she breathed out, tilting her head so she could press her lips against the veins in his neck. “Jongin, promise me you’ll remember me forever. Even after this. Even after everything. Even if things suddenly change and I—”

            “Hey,” Kai sat up and gathered her frail figure into his lap. “Hey, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”

            She nodded but when she buried her face in the crook of his neck, Kai felt wet tears splashing against his skin.

            “I don’t want you to leave,” she sobbed into his arms. “Jongin, please don’t leave me…”

            “I won’t,” he said, kissing her shoulder. “I won’t. I’ll stay. I’ll keep you for eternity, remember?”

            But Kai knew that in another few minutes from now, their reality would come crashing down. Another soldier would come barging into the room and Jongin would try to explain that this was his fault. That he was the one who stole the key from Sakamoto. That he was the one who sold himself for a woman’s heart.

            And their eternity would end.

            And promises would just be another word that ended up in vain.

***

 

March 18^th, 1932

 

 

         “Hey, what happened?!” Kai hurriedly asked when he noticed the ruckus that morning. More than a hundred Korean people gathered near the fences that separated their camps with the field where the Japanese soldiers used to punish Koreans who did not respect their rules. These people were now pushing against the barrier, desperately wanting to get inside. They looked angry; their eyes filled with raging fire that made Kai’s skin shiver.

         Another Japanese soldier came to answer him. “Those retards are angry because we’re going to give a death penalty to one of them,” he said before he laughed sarcastically. “I mean, come on. We murder their people so many times already. You’d think they’d be accustomed to it by now.”

         “Death penalty?” Kai said. “To who?”

         “Don’t care.”

         Kai’s nose flared in anger but he kept his temper steady. “What did he do?” Kai assumed that the prisoner was a male. It usually happened that way.

         The Japanese soldier seemed idle in responding Kai’s curiosity but he answered anyway. “From what I’ve heard, there was a bunch of dumb Koreans wanting to get away from our camp. They thought they could get away, those ers,” he snorted loudly, “But obviously they failed. They were wearing these black masks on their faces and they managed to attack one of our guards. When we called for back-ups, they scattered away. We didn’t get to catch any of them, and so, Sakamoto was pissed.”

         Kai unconsciously started to touch the wound along his abdomen. So that was what happened back then.

         “Sakamoto asked the Koreans for those bastards’ names, but none of them dared to speak. So he threatened to kill a random person each day until he found out who they were. That man managed to blast off three heads on the past few days. It was a fun thing to see.” The soldier laughed and Kai’s stomach lurched in disgust. “Anyway, one of the Koreans raised his hand, said bravely that it was him and wanted to take responsibility for his actions. He said it was him who forced those Koreans to rebel but he didn’t want to give out any of his friends’ names. Stupid decision, if you ask me. He said he would take the punishments by himself. Sakamoto agreed, saying that he would be punished for his friends’ sins too and he wouldn’t make it easy. I was actually surprised that Korean didn’t his pants back then.” The soldier yawned before he smirked at Kai. “Well, anyway, he’s as good as dead. He was something, though. I lashed my whip at him a few times last night and man, it was hard to make him cry and beg for my forgiveness. Even when his skin was starting to peel off his back!”

         Kai’s fingers curled into angry fists and he was probably going to punch the other soldier to death if his eyes didn’t see the prisoner who was hauled into the field. Three Japanese’s soldiers forced him down to his knees and the prisoner winced in pain when the soldier’s gun’s end hit his head. The rest of the soldiers tied his hands to the poles that stood beside the prisoner’s body. And with a wicked smile, the Japanese soldier yanked the prisoner’s hair back and showed his face to the world.

         Kai’s heart nearly stopped right then.

         “LUHAN!” He didn’t notice he was screaming until he heard his own voice. It was filled with shock, desperation, disappointment, anger, but most of all, agony.

         The prisoner lifted his head up and Kai barely noticed him. There were fresh, red scars everywhere on his face, marring his cheeks, his chin, his forehead. One of his eyes was closed and it was bleeding continuously. Kai didn’t even dare to ask himself what his soldiers had done to it. With purple bruises on his skin, Luhan smiled to the soldier he regarded as a friend.

         “Kai…” he mouthed, his eyes were longing.

         “You know that guy?” the soldier beside Kai suspiciously asked and Kai ignored him right away. His eyes were locked to Luhan’s.

         Was he really the one who started the rebellion? Was he the one who attacked those guards—who attacked me?!

         Luhan that Kai knew was a man who was always cautious and smart when making his decisions. Kai remembered back then when Luhan said he wanted to get away from here, but to actually bring people to follow him? To bring harm to his own men? It wasn’t like him at all.

         Without knowing, Kai was already stepping forward, wanting to get closer to the prisoner. To help him. To save his life.

         “Hey!” The Japanese soldier that stood beside him yelled as he grabbed on his arm. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?!”

         Kai threw a confused look at the man before his eyes went to Luhan’s soft ones. Luhan shook his head, remembering Kai that he should know his place. He belonged to the army. He needed to serve his country. He needed to stay on his spot and be a witness to the scene as his government began the trial for the prisoner—for his friend.

         There were words being uttered by his commander but Kai couldn’t hear anything. He only focused on Luhan—on how his friend was kneeling there, waiting calmly as he listened to the sins Kai thought he didn’t commit. Luhan was a nice person. It shouldn’t be a surprise if he decided to stand up for his people and trade their lives with his. Maybe that was the truth. Maybe that was what actually happened. And now he was sentenced to death for trying to save them.

         This wasn’t fair. Nothing about it was fair.

         Luhan was smiling. Continuously smiling and Kai wondered why because all he could feel at the moment was fear. It was until the executioner came with a long katana in his hands, did Luhan begin to quiver but only slightly. A tear slipped out from his uninjured eye to the tip of his nose, but his smile never faltered away.

         Kai heard someone screaming Luhan’s name and it took a while until he realized that it was himself. A couple of soldiers tried to hold him down, wrapping their arms along his waist to keep him away from running into the field and standing in front of the prisoner—of his friend he treasured the most.

         “LUHAN!” Kai screamed so loudly, his own ears began to ring. “NO—HE’S INNOCENT! DON’T KILL HIM!”

         Luhan brought his head to the ground. His tears began to stain the earth and he felt no regret when he whispered, “Thank you, Kai.”

         And when the sword was raised to the sun, Luhan kept his eyes on Kai once again and mouthed his last words.

         Take care of my brother for me.

         Then Luhan became a name and a part of Kai died with him.

         Kai never felt so angry in his entire life. He snapped and it was like his body had an autopilot where he couldn’t control it anymore. He began to retaliate, pushing and attacking every soldier that came to hold him down. It was chaos and he was the one who created it. The Koreans watched from the other side of the fence—some were looking at him with questioning eyes, and some were still screaming over Luhan’s death. His blood was still fresh on the field, flowing from the throat that no longer had head.

         Kai was screaming, and cursing, and possibly bringing himself closer to his death but he didn’t care. All of this needed to stop.

         And time did stop for him, when a man hit him behind his neck and all Kai could see was darkness.

***

 

 

 

 

March 19^th, 1932

 

 

         When Kai opened his eyes, his commander, Sakamoto Jin was sitting right next to him with his hands folded in front of his arms. His thick eyebrows were turning into a scowl and his voice was dangerously low when he spoke.

         “I am disappointed in you,” he said, without so much of an introduction. Kai winced when he shifted in his bed. His head still hurt badly.

         “Sir, I can explain,” Kai said, wanting to tell the truth rather than giving out excuses. The truth about how much he hated this environment and the responsibility he had to bear as a Japanese soldier. How he despised the fact that there wasn’t even a glint of humanity in their hearts anymore. But Sakamoto rose from his seat, grabbed his gun and pointed it to Kai’s forehead.

         The younger soldier didn’t even blink.

         Kai was ready.

         He would rather die than become a psychotic murderer like the rest of the army here.

         Kai kept his eyes on Sakamoto’s, not the point of his gun, and when he heard a click, he was surprised that a bullet never set a hole on his head.

         “Now I owe you nothing,” Sakamoto said, lowering his gun and slung it across his shoulder. “A life for a life. The next time I see you taking the Koreans’ side again, I’ll shoot your head without hesitation. You remember that, Soldier.”

         Kai didn’t know whether he should be grateful or not. Maybe he should, because now he had the chance to save one more life other than Haiwen’s.

         Oh Sehun.

***

 

 

March 20^th, 1932

 

 

         “Sehun!” Kai yelled when he approached Sehun by the lake where the three of them used to meet. With tears-streaked eyes, Sehun shot up to his feet in surprise. He looked anxious and terrified. His body trembled in shock and when Kai was about to ask why, he noticed that the boy was holding a knife in his right hand.

         “YOU !”

         Kai lunged at the other boy, pushing him until Sehun’s body became limp and they both fell to the ground. Sehun’s knife clattered away from his hand.

         “Sehun, goddamn it!” Kai straddled his waist and landed a hard punch along his jaw. Sehun spat blood; one of his teeth was missing. “Your brother sacrificed himself for you!” Kai screamed, punching him again but Sehun never tried to help himself up. “And you want to kill yourself now?! HOW DARE YOU?!”

         “You don’t understand!” Sehun said, staring at him with angry tears on his eyes. “Luhan died because of me!”

         “So what, you’re gonna repay him back with your death?!”

         “I DID THIS TO HIM!” Sehun shouted so desperately and Kai’s fist froze before it could connect with the pale boy’s jaw. “It was my idea! Luhan didn’t want to go! He said we needed more time but I didn’t listen to him. I went out on my own accords, I—I even brought my friends with me too and he was there to stop me but I never listened to him—”

         “Sehun—”

         “I attacked you,” Sehun said and Kai stopped breathing for a second. “I stabbed you and I—I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, I didn’t—”

         Sehun began to weep. The tip of his nose was going red and his frail body shivered violently as he sobbed. Kai only stared at him with confused eyes. The paler boy’s emotions were going haywire.

         “I’m sorry,” he cried, his head falling to the side and his fingers clawed into the cold hard ground. “I’m sorry, Luhan. I’m sorry.”

         Kai stopped and stared, noticing that he just hurt the one he was supposed to protect. He promised Luhan he would. Taking a deep breath, Kai began to collect himself.

         “Stand up,” Kai said, pushing himself away from him. And when Sehun didn’t, Kai grabbed him by the collar and pulled him up harshly to his feet. “Look at me, Sehun! Look at me!”

         When the boy finally locked his gaze with his, Kai pressed his hands against Sehun’s bony shoulders. “I need you to stay alive,” Kai said, his eyes were filled with promises and certainties. “I promised Luhan I’m going to keep you alive but I can’t do it if you don’t value your own soul.”

         “I should’ve been the one on that field,” Sehun said, sobbing fervently until his whole shoulders quivered from tremor. “I should’ve been the one who died. N-not Luhan—”

         “Nobody deserves to die,” Kai said, his tone harsher. “Do you hear me? Nobody. Luhan’s luck ended there but you’re still alive so fight for it! You have me, Sehun. I am not going to let you die.” Sehun seemed like he was in trance.

         “Do you understand me, Sehun?”

         He was silent for a few seconds more before he weakly nodded.

         “Say it,” Kai demanded. “Say that you want to live.”

         Another tear slipped away from Sehun’s eyes when he closed them. When he opened them again, they were filled with another will. “I want to live.”

         “Good.” Kai finally let himself to smile. “I know it’s hard but please stay here for a few more days. I’m going to let you out of here.”

         “H-how?”

         Kai fell in a moment of silence before he said, “I’ll think of something.”

***

 

March 21^st, 1932

 

 

         “We don’t have much time,” Kai said, walking back and forth in the same spot in Haiwen’s room. “We need to get out of here. Time is running out. I can’t lose both you and Sehun. We need to move.”

         Kang Haiwen sat on her bed with a hand on her chest. Her face contorted in concern and something more, but Kai didn’t pay attention to that. He was busy trying to find a way out to get her and Sehun out of this hellhole.

         “Jongin—”

         “There must be something I can do,” Kai said, biting the nail of his own thumb as he thought furiously. “There must be some kind of a loophole I can—”

         “Jongin—”

         “If only I can just—”

         “JONGIN!” With her shout—loud enough for him to hear but not enough for her voice to be heard from outside the walls—, Kai snapped out from his mind. When he took a look at her, his gaze immediately softened but then he frowned because there seemed to be something absolutely wrong going on with the way she furrowed her eyebrows worriedly.

         “What’s wrong?” Kai asked, hastily moving to her side and sat down on the bed beside her. “Are you hurt somewhere—”

         She hesitated when she spoke and that worried him more. “I… I can’t go with you.”

         Kai froze. “What?”

         “I can’t escape with you,” she repeated, her visionless eyes looking straight through him. “It’s too... risky.”

         “Hey, don’t worry,” Kai soothed her with a kiss on the lips. “I’ll keep you safe with me, you hear me?” he cupped her face with both hands and rubbed his thumb in comforting circles against her cheekbone.

         “It’s not me I’m worried about,” she said, biting her trembling lip in fear and Kai knew she was talking about him.

         “Haiwen,” Kai called in a softer voice. “I can take care of myself, you don’t need to—”

         But she shook her head, not assured at all. “You can’t guarantee that. Jongin, I’m not that important for you to risk your life—”

         “How can you say that?!” Kai asked, offended, and she flinched from the sudden anger in his tone. “You’re my everything, Haiwen. How can you say that you’re not important to me?”

         “I…” She panicked. “I don’t mean to upset you, it’s just—”

         “I lost my friend a few days ago,” Kai said and she could witness the pain so clearly just by hearing his voice. “I lost my friend for a sin he didn’t commit and I stood there, doing nothing. I am not going to do that again. Not to you. Not to Sehun.”

         “Jongin—”

         “Why are you so scared about this?!” Kai stood up, not knowing himself anymore. He’s lost himself to anger and pain that he’d been trying to bottle up inside his chest. Losing Luhan had finally taking its toll on him and he snapped. “I’m trying so hard to find a way to save you and you’re saying you don’t want to be saved?! Do you wanna live the rest of your life working like a in this place—is that what you want?!”

         Those words struck her like a javelin to her heart. So it was true, she thought. Deep down, he always thought of her like that. As a ‘comfort woman’, as a who knew nothing but to give her body for men to take pleasure in.

         Kai noticed the hurtful look on her face and wanted to punch himself for being such an idiot. “Haiwen, that’s not—”

         “It’s fine.” Her voice was cold, almost heartless. But she didn’t cry. Instead, she scowled at him in anger. “I need you to leave,” she said and that made him even angrier. His guilt completely wavered away.

         “Goddamn it!” Kai walked just a few steps away, yanking his hair in desperation before he turned back to glare at her again. “I’m trying to save your life, Haiwen! Why can’t you just agree with me?!”

         “Because I’m pregnant!” She finally shouted and Kai lost the ability to feel anything in those few seconds.

         “What?”

         “I’m pregnant,” she said, her face looking like she already gave up on her will to live. “I’ve been feeling sick lately and they... They found out that I was pregnant.”

         And Kai knew, it was not his child.

         Kai unconsciously took a step back and a flitted of hurt went through her eyes because she heard it. She could hear the fear and the disappointment in his voice when he spoke, “You’re not pregnant. You can’t be. This is just a misunderstanding.”

         Haiwen only brought her head down, not saying a word.

         “I’m going to find a way,” Kai said, still sounding like he was awestruck. “I’m… I just need a few more days.”

         And when he left with hurried steps instead of a soft kiss to her lips, she brokenly smiled.

         I don’t have a few more days, Jongin.

***

 

 

March 22^nd, 1932

 

 

         Kai felt terrible. He felt disappointed with himself—ashamed even. How could he say those hurtful words to her? How could he react so weirdly upon her announcement? How could he not listen to what she wanted to explain?

         “It’s because I’m pregnant.”

         Kai knew it took a lot bravery for her to say those words. And he wanted to punch himself on the face for reacting like it was a disease he needed to get away from. It shouldn’t have mattered whether she was pregnant or not. It shouldn’t have mattered if they managed to escape and raise a baby together that wasn’t his own blood. He loved her. And that was the only thing that should’ve mattered at that time.

         And if his people knew about her pregnancy, he didn’t have much time left to save her.

         He needed to move. Fast.

         “Damn it, Jongin,” he muttered to himself when he woke up on his bed that morning. The sun hadn’t even come up yet but Kai was awake and ready. With hasty movements, he tied his shoes and ran to the building he’d been visiting for the last few months. He needed to apologize. He needed her to know that her pregnancy didn’t mean anything. He still loved her just as much, no matter what.

         But when he sneaked into her room, using the key Sakamoto once gave to him, he found another girl on her bed.

         “Who are you?!” A girl with a lighter shade of hair, shrieked when she saw him and Kai quickly shushed her with a hand over . When he managed to convince her that he was harmless, he took his hand away and asked, “Where’s Haiwen?”

         “Who’s Haiwen?” she asked, still backing away from him. She wore a similar thin robe Haiwen used to wear, but her eyes were stronger. And Kai realized that she was new. She was the latest addition to the building. She had just been brought here to serve the military guys with her body just like the other girls here.

         The fact that she was here meant that…

         “No,” Kai mumbled out quietly. His eyes wide in horror. “No. No.”

         The new girl frowned at the sudden change in his behavior. “Hey, are you ok—” she ended up with a small yelp because Kai suddenly grabbed her wrist tightly with his fingers. It was starting to feel painful.

         “Where’s Haiwen?!” He screamed, shaking her forcefully. She became afraid of his presence.

         “I don’t know what you’re—” She winced. “Let me go! You’re hurting me!”

         “The girl!” Kai desperately said. His fingers were trembling. “The lady who used to be here—where is she?”

         The new girl saw the pleading look on his face and she realized that Kai never meant to hurt her. He was just desperate. She swallowed and nodded.

         “S-some soldiers took her away,” she said. “I got in here last night and… she didn’t say much. She didn’t explain anything when I asked her where I was and what was I supposed to do here. She just asked me to write something.”

         “Write…?” Kai’s harsh tone was reduced into a small whisper.

         She nodded again and turned her body to reach out for a small paper that was hidden underneath the pillow. “She said I should give this to a guy named Kim Jongin. I-is that you?”

         Kai didn’t answer. With trembling hands, he snatched away the paper from her hand. He didn’t read it then. He didn’t have time. He needed to find her.

         Before it was too late.

         He ran. He ran until his lungs felt like fire blazing through his veins. He ran until his throat felt like ice daggers whenever he tried to breathe. He ran until he could see Kang Haiwen once again.

         Where do they take her?

         Kai had once heard that when comfort women became pregnant, they were often murdered. But he tried not to think of that. He should not think of that.

         Haiwen’s still alive, he thought, his palm tightened until his fingers grew white. She’s still alive. She’s still alive.

         But the sky was nothing but a dark void, all of his hope and wish. The sun hadn’t come up—at least not in another hour, and the night’s chills were seeping into his bones. Clouds of warm breath appeared from his lips. He ran through every barrack, he ran through every camp, sneaking into every forbidden chamber he could without being seen by the guards but it was hopeless. The whole site was quiet.

         Desperate and tired, he eventually found his way back to the lake. His feet seemed to bring him back to the place where he often spent sorting his thoughts out. And that was when he saw it.

         A body. Cold, blue and bare, without a layer of clothes covering her skin.

         “Ha…” Kai felt all of his energy leaving his body. “Haiwen…”

         Kang Haiwen lay there on the cold ground with her eyes closed but open. Her long hair was strewn around the edge of the frozen lake. And the paleness of her icy blue skin was a stark contrast to the crimson color of dried blood that appeared along her neck.

         Kai fell to his knees and even the wolves grew quite to the sound of his scream. His lungs were hurting as he wheezed, gasping violently, his mind going insane. He had both palms pressed against the ground as he cried, shedding tears from his eyes and he thought, this was the first time he ever understood how it felt to lost someone. Losing Luhan was one thing, but losing her…

         He couldn’t breathe.

         Pain. Just pain. Everything was pain.

         Everything he remembered about her inflicted pain.

         Everything he witnessed in that moment gave him pain.

         And anger.

         They need to pay for this.

         Before the break of dawn, Kai burned the Japanese soldier’s campgrounds to the ground.

       He lit his own barrack on fire, and he pretended like it was an accident. He acted clueless and innocent. The whole site was in chaos, and Kai stood on the side, pretending to be scared and shocked from the sudden fire, even when his lighter was still hot in his pocket. Even when his fingers were still soaked in gasoline.

         He was out from the place before someone could suspect him and he fled to place small grenades on the fences. He blew them apart and the borders that separated the Koreans from the outside world, disappeared.

         “GO! NOW!” Kai ordered, waving his hand violently and the Koreans, though they still looked scared, grabbed their belongings and ran for their lives. People were running through the fences, crossing the borders and trying to find their way to freedom.

         This was it. This was his revolution. His act of rebellion.

         His act of humanity.

         “SEHUN, YOU TOO!” Kai ordered. “GO!”

With shaky fingers and trembling knees, Sehun raced forward.

         “Come with me,” Sehun said, his eyes quivered in panic. “Jongin, run away with me.”

         “I have to stay,” Kai firmly replied. “I need to hold the guards. They must have heard the explosions. If they’re on their way here, I’m the only one who can buy us some time—”

         “But you’ll get yourself killed—”

         “Sehun!” Kai grabbed the other man’s by the collar of his shirt. “This is not the time to think! Run! Don’t think about me, don’t think about anyone else, just focus on getting yourself save. Promise me that.”

         Sehun’s eyes were heavy with tears. “But Jongin, y-you’ll—”

         “I’ll live,” Kai said and for the first time in his life, Sehun saw how sincere Kai’s smile was. “Now go, Sehun. I’ll catch up with you. Promise me you’ll be safe.”

         Sehun nodded shakily. “Y-you too. Promise me.”

         And Kai only smiled again, letting his friend go and knowing that this was going to be the first and the last betrayal he’d do in his life.

         “You can come out now, Sakamoto-san,” Kai said, without even looking at the person who’d been watching him from the shadows. That figure soon approached him, with his guns hung freely on his back.

         “You have a lot of guts, Kid. I would’ve run away with those s if I were you,” Sakamoto Jin said, throwing a wicked smile at the other man, which used to successfully send Kai trembling his knees. But not anymore. Today, Kai only felt resentment towards his commander.

         “You might want to hurry up, Commander,” Kai said, his words sounded spiteful. “Your prisoners are running away.”

         Sakamoto smiled wider, craning his neck a little. “You’ve changed a lot in these past few months, Kai. Is it because of that girl you loved? Too bad I didn’t let her say goodbye to you.”

         Kai’s eyes grew large, just like how Sakamoto’s psychotic grin became wider.

         The lake. Of course. His commander was the only one who knew his favorite spot. He found out on his own and Kai didn’t bother to cover him up because his commander always respected his privacy. But not now.

         He threw her body there so Kai could found out.

         It was a shot of adrenaline to his head that made Kai raise his own gun to Sakamoto’s head and pulled the trigger before he could rethink his decision. He wanted to kill—to murder her executioner. To avenge her death.

         If only he was quicker.

         A bullet hit him on some part of his chest. The pain soon began to seep into his skin and Kai cried into the night air. His knees buckled and he fell to the ground, lying on his back as his breathing began to hitch.

         “What did I say?” Sakamoto said, wincing a little after Kai’s bullet managed to graze one of his shoulders. Landing a foot to Kai’s bleeding chest, Sakamoto leaned down a little until all Kai’s lifeless eyes could see was his face. “Your kind values are the ones that are going to get you killed someday, Kim Jongin.”

         And when he left, Kai stared at the night’s sky. His lungs started to fail him. His fingers started to stop shaking. And cold…

         Everything felt so cold.

         There were no stars in the sky and Kai wondered, since when did he become so alone?

         Blood was flowing out from the wound around his chest. He could feel his heartbeat slowing. His death was nearing.

         With weak, trembling fingers, he dispatched the small paper he kept in his pocket. If this was his last seconds to live, he wanted to dedicate them to the girl who owned his entire life. Because without her, his life never worth a second to live.

          Kai found out that it was a poem. An answer to what he once made and read it aloud for her, when she had her head on his shoulder and a beautiful smile on her lips.

          With her name on the edge of his tongue, he began to read.

 

You know me like the earth

Where you were born and raised

With a handsome smile, I never got to face

You perceive me like the sea

You swallow my secrets in

And keep them there, behind the exchange of our three words

You hear me like the wind

I was quiet

But you were my lullaby in the spring

A song I never get to sing

You touch me like the air

So faint, so light

But it’s what I dream every night

what I crave in my days

You kiss me like summer

Lingering warm

And I want to taste it forever

You hold me like the winter breeze

With cold fingers, afraid to see tomorrow

But with warm breath, reminding me about life

And how each day is worth living for

I love you for eternity

Even when our days are numbered

Even when your promise crumbled

Even when all you see is vain

Even if I’m not more than a bitter farewell

I will love you for eternity, Kim Jongin

You are my life, my breath

My eternity

 

 

         Kai closed his eyes, feeling tears start to well behind his eyelids but he kept them away from being shed.

         I will love you for eternity.

         Kai smiled as his final breath left his lips and her name was the last thing he remembered.

         You’re my eternity.

***