A sudden sharp ringing wakes me up from my deep slumber, probably the deepest I’ve had in many weeks. I look at me bedside clock, it reads 5:00 am, what the heck?! Who’s calling me at five in the morning? I take my mobile and angrily swipe the lock open, the name on the screen shows who the culprit is: Sehunnie. Aish this kid, he’s driving me nuts…

“What?” I half growl through the phone.

“Well good morning to you too sunshine.” He jokes from the other side of the line, I can practically hear the smile in his voice.

“Sehun, you better spit out what you want to say, otherwise I’m ending this call now!” I all but shout at him.

“Shish, ok woman keep your hair on!” He laughs, let me just say that he should consider himself more than lucky that I am not in the mood, otherwise I would stomp across the street and wipe his silly smile off his stupid face.

“We have the test tomorrow, you need to wake up and study.”

“It’s five in the flipping morning Sehun! What part of that do you not get?!” I ask.

“The part that says Mr. Lin will have both your head and mine on a silver plate if you don’t get a decent grade this time, so get up or I’m going to come over there and drag you out of bed myself.” He retorts.

“Fine, ok, I’m up, I’m up, are you happy now?” I sarcastically say.

“Hmmm, I expect you to revise lesson 1-5 before school starts, we’ll revise the rest together.”

“Yes sir…” I grumble, giving a fake salute whilst ending the call. I might have sounded mad at Sehun over the phone but in reality I’m rejoicing inside that Sehun and I have become so close again…so close that he can call me in the first hours of the day and we can playfully fight together. I’m happy, happy that both of us decided to put our prides aside and pretend that nothing ever came between our friendship. That little by little Sehun is returning to his old playful self and that his friendship is doing wonders for my health…ever since the day on the rooftop I no longer anticipate death and wait for it, but I embrace life and try to live each day at a time…I try to enjoy every little thing I can.

I stop day dreaming and get out of bed to get dressed and start doing the revision he told me to do. Sehun might be my best friend again but that sure doesn’t mean his going to give me a break if I slack off from studying…he is one tough guy when it comes to his teaching.

At 7:15 I walk out of my house to see Sehun leaning against the front gate. He has his headphones on, his eyes are closed and he is gently swaying his body to the music. With his killer looks, easy moves and amazing body, anybody could easily mistake him for a model doing an ad for high school uniforms…I mean seriously, who looks that good in a uniform?! My heart beat speeds up a little as I look at him…no wait, Jinny snap out of it! You just got him back, you are not going to do anything stupid that might make him run away from you again, got it?! I mentally scold myself as I walk over to where he’s standing and gently tap his shoulder. He takes off his headphones and gives me a bright smile…I honestly think my heart stopped beating for a few seconds, that smile should be illegal. Jinny snap out of it! I smile back at him and after I reassure him that I have indeed done the homework he told me to, we start walking towards the bus stop.

In the last two years I used to resent going to school, and in this last month my resenting has turned into pure hatred…but now I’ll admit that I don’t mind getting up early and riding the crowded bus anymore, because he is with me the whole time, he tells me lame jokes that make me laugh till there are tears in my eyes, or he sits quietly by my side and we just enjoy each other’s presence. Today is of the latter variety. We sit in silence the whole way and he helps me get off the bus when we’ve finally reach our school.

We head towards the second floor for our first class of the day. I slowly pull my feet one after another while he’s walking confidently in front of me. He turns his head to say something to me but only then notices that I’m lagging a good five feet behind him. He walks back to where I’m standing and without saying anything he takes my bag’s strap and slings it over his own shoulder.

“Yah…” I try to protest.

“Come on turtle, I don’t want to be late for class.” He cuts me off, and before I know it, he’s taken my elbow in his hand and is swiftly pulling me after him. I try not to smile and think too highly of his actions yet I can feel a huge stupid smile breaking out on my face. Yah, Jinny-ah what’s gotten into you today?! Pull yourself together girl! You’re just his friend, a friend who’s merely slowing him down…all he’s trying to do is to get to his class on time and there is simply nothing else to it! Is that understood?! Yeah, try telling my heart that…

“Ok, so you have ten minutes to solve these equations.” Sehun says as he pushes a paper in front of me. It’s lunch time and we’re sitting at a table by ourselves.

“Oh, come on.” I groan. “Are you being serious? First you wake me up at the crack of dawn and now you expect me to solve math problems at lunch time? Who are you and what have you done to my Sehunnie?”

“Hah hah, you’re so funny.” He rolls his eyes. “But that remark just took a minute of your time. I suggest you start answering the question before you lose anymore.”

I stick my tongue out as I take the paper and a pencil and start answering. They’re pretty easy for me and I can answer them all except for one question. Sehun takes my paper at the end of exactly nine minutes, and looks at my answers.

“This is good.” He smiles. “You only got one question wrong, you see you misunderstood it, you shouldn’t have tried to solve it this way; instead you should’ve used this formula…” And with that his off talking about math for the rest of the break.

I put down my pen as I finish the last mock test of the day. Sehun and I have been revising for three hours since school ended and now he has promised to finally let me go if I get all the questions on his last test right. He takes the paper and a red pen and really starts to grade it like an actual teacher. I wait nervously. Honestly I’m worried how much longer he will make us stay here if I don’t get full marks. He finally puts his pen down and looks at me.

“Well?” I ask.

“100%!” He replies. I jump up from my chair and do a little victory dance while Sehun just looks at me and softly laughs. I notice the librarian giving me a dirty look and quickly bend 90 degrees in apology as I sit down on my seat again.

“That mean we can home, right? Right?!” I whisper-shout.

“Well…” He trails off giving me an evil grin.

“Yah! You promised!”

“Ok, ok…” He throws both his hands up in defeat “Let’s go, with all the noise you’re making the librarian will probably kick us out in a few seconds anyway; might as well keep our dignity and leave by our own choice.” We take our stuff and start walking home.

“Yah, I’m so hungry…aren’t you?” He says as he rubs his stomach.

“No.” I truthfully answer. I’m never hungry anymore.

“But we didn’t eat any lunch…” He cutely pouts. I try not to laugh as I look at his cute face.

“And whose fault is that? You were the one who insisted on talking about fractions for a whole freaking hour, not me! Besides I’m really not hungry, just tired; I want to go home and sleep…and no amount of aegyo is going to change my mind!”

“Aegyo?” He says as he puts his poker face on. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

I giggle a little as I watch him walking away, muttering under his breath. He might think of himself as a cold young man but to me he’ll always be a little adorable puppy. He doesn’t talk to me again until we’ve gotten off the bus and are walking towards our street.

“But honestly Jinny, you’re really not hungry?” He asks, I just shake my head. “But you hardly ever eat anymore. I mean I’ve never seen you eat anything more than half a biscuit in the past week, and I know it may not be any of my business, but you’ve become really thin lately. I know girls care about their looks and everything but don’t you think you’re over doing it?”

I stop mid step. After all the lies I’ve been telling to my parents and all the people around me, it seems that Sehun is the only one to notice that something is up…he’s become suspicious. I can’t let him know my secret, I just can’t.

“What are you talking about?” I give a nervous laugh. “You know I’m not like that. I don’t think of my looks all the time like other girls do, I just haven’t been eating properly this last week because I’m worried about the exam. I’m sure I’ll gain weight again once it’s over.”

“Really?” He asks, looking genuinely reassured. “Then tomorrow, if you get a good score, I’ll take you out to a restaurant…my treat, ok?”

I just nod my head and keep quiet for the rest of the walk, I felt horrible lying to my parents but I feel even worse lying to Sehun. Yet, I’m doing this to keep them safe…everyone, please forgive me, and don’t be mad when I’m gone…

“Please put your pencils down and raise your papers up, your time is over.” Mr. Lin says as he checks his watch. I release a deep sigh as I hand my paper over and look over my shoulder to where Sehun is sitting, two desks behind me. He raises his eyebrow and I give him a thumbs up in response.

“Settle down everyone.” Mr. Lin tells the class. “Because of the importance of this test I will be grading your papers now, so everyone sit quietly while I see what you have done.”

I slump in my chair a little as Mr. Lin calls one student at a time to his desk and grades their paper in front of them before letting them leave the classroom. Sehun’s amongst the first to be called, and I can tell just by slight spring in his step that he’s done a pretty good job on the exam. My name is called near the end and I’m practically shaking as I walk to the front of the class.

“Well Miss Lee, let’s see what you’ve done shall we?” Mr. Lin asks as he starts looking at my paper, he stays quiet for the next five minutes as I nervously fiddle with my hands. After he’s finished grading he looks at me with a surprised look. “You did very well…I must say I wasn’t anticipating this kind of improvement. You got a 96.”

I feel my jaw drop open as I stare at my teacher, are my ears deceiving me or did he just say that I got a 96? A 96 on a math test none the less! Mr. Lin chuckles a little when he sees my expression and hands over my paper so I can see my score with my own eyes. I take the paper with shaking hands and bow a little before walking out of the class. I’m so caught up in my result that I don’t even notice a certain someone leaning against the wall waiting for me.

“Yah! Are you ignoring me?! Here I am waiting over thirty minutes for you to come out and you walk past me as if I’m just an empty space!” He pouts as he pushes away from the wall and stands in front of me. I don’t answer him and that’s when he sees the bewildered look on my face. He suddenly becomes serious.

“What’s wrong? Did you get a bad score? Jinny it’s ok, you did your best. I’m sure you’ll have plenty of time to make up for it, we can…”

I cut him off by passing my exam paper to him. He takes it and reads the score on the first page. “96! You got a 96! Oh my god that’s only two scores lower than me!” He shouts, clearly gleeful. “Wow, I didn’t know I was that good a teacher.” He coolly wipes his hand through his hair and I playfully punch his arm.

He smiles and says: “This calls for a celebration! Today after school we are having beef for dinner! A treat from your awesome tutor!” I laugh at his cockiness and agree to his invitation. We both head towards our next class whilst daydreaming about juicy meat.

“To our friendship.” Sehun says as he clinks his glass of coke with mine. “To us.” I repeat as I take a sip of my own drink. I called my parents after school and told them about my exam and also that I planned to go out with Sehun after. They were all for the idea; one because they were thrilled by my test results and two because they were even more thrilled by the fact that Sehun and I are buddies again. Their only restriction was a no alcohol policy, which seeing as we have school tomorrow, both Sehun and I would have followed even if they hadn’t brought it up. But even with our non-alcoholic drinks, Sehun and I think we deserve a little toast, a toast to our friendship, hard work and to the things the two of us can accomplish if we’re together.

“Here, eat this while it’s still warm.” Sehun says as he takes a slice of beef and pops it into my mouth. His sudden action startles me a little and I can feel my cheeks heating up as I slowly chew and swallow the food he gave me. Sehun seems a little taken back too, like he can’t quite believe what he just did, he avoids my gaze and just stares intently at his plate. I follow his lead and both of us spend the next five minutes eating our food in silence.

“Jinny…” He gently says my name, almost in a whisper. I look up to see him staring at me. I swallow hard and look back into his fiery gaze waiting to hear what he wants to say to me.

“You’re my best friend, and I’ve learnt over the years that you always give the best advice, so I want to tell you something…” He says. I nod my head, encouraging him to go on. “I, I think I’m in love with someone.”

If I had been eating anything at this moment I’m sure that I would have honestly choked. He’s fallen in love? Again?! Didn’t he learn his lesson the first time round? I mean hello, dream girl, former best friend and hyung alone in a classroom…ring any bells Sehun?! Wait a minute…dream girl? He hasn’t fallen for Krystal again has he?! I swear to God I will murder you Oh Sehun!

“It’s not her!” He says as he holds up his hand in front of my face, answering my unasked question as if he can read my mind. “I’m not an idiot, I know what she did to me and besides I don’t love her…I don’t think I ever really did.” I look at him with raised eyebrows, now he’s saying he never loved the girl he went out with for over a year?!

“I mean, yeah at the time I thought I loved her. But really it was just a plain attraction…now, after what I’m experiencing now, I know what love really is.” He has a dreamy look on his face and there’s a sincerity in his voice that I’ve never heard before. Why? Why is this happening all over again? Why is this world so cruel?! Why do I have to sit here and listen as the one boy I have loved for my whole life goes on about how he’s head over heels for another girl, again?

“I, I mean, I, you…” I stutter not knowing what to say. What can I do? Take his shoulders and shake him senseless so he can open up his stupid blind eyes and see what his words are doing to me?! But I can’t…I never could and I never will be able to…instead I fake a smile and say: “D-Does she love you back?”

“I don’t know yet.” He replies frowning slightly. “But I’m going to find out…tomorrow, tomorrow I’m going to confess to her! Do you think I should?”

No! Is what I’m screaming on the inside but on the outside what I say is: “Of course, tell her how you really feel. Don’t be scared, you’ll never know how she really feels unless you take the risk of asking her.” All I want is to hit myself right now. Some kind of hypocrite I am, advising my secret crush to fess up and confess his love when I’ve been hiding my own for almost as long as I have been alive!

Sehun smiles, the same dazzling smile that makes my heart flutter no matter how many times I see it. The same smile that will be directed at a special girl tomorrow as he tells her how much he loves her.

“I’ll introduce her to you tomorrow.” He says. “Your opinion is important to me…because you’re one of the most important people in my life.”

I throw my head down and try to escape his gaze so I can stop the tears from falling down. Important? Important like what? Like a friend? Like a sister? Like a pet?! Because that’s all I’ll ever be to you isn’t it? Someone you care about, someone who’s one of the most important people in your life but never the most important. Do you know how much this hurts Sehun? It hurts even more than when you told me you had fallen for Krystal, at least I could lie to myself back then; I could lie and tell myself that if she hadn’t appeared I would have been your choice, I was even happy to think of myself as a second choice…but do you know what hurts more than being a second choice? Not even being a choice…

“Are you tired?” He asks as we’re walking home a few hours later. I just hum my agreement. I don’t think I can find my voice to talk to him. I’m not feeling too good, I’ve felt dizzy and slightly nauseous ever since Sehun made his confession, like even my body is protesting to the things he said. All I want now, is to go home, home to an empty bedroom where I can lay down and cry my eyes out…all the good feelings from the morning have evaporated and I’m left feeling more empty and hollow than I was the day I got the result from my doctor…I stop suddenly and almost scream out in anguish as I feel a sharp pain strike through my body. My heads starts to spin and the black spots in my sight that appeared this afternoon are getting more prominent. I feel strong arms around me as Sehun pulls me to the side of the pavement and looks at me with worried eyes. “Are you ok?” He asks.

I think that I’m going to start screaming from the pain but I push it down and manage say in a voice that hardly sounds like it belongs to me: “W-w-what day is it today?”

He’s obviously surprised by my question but answers: “The twenty-fifth.”

Bang…my heart feels like it’s going to burst and like my knees are going to give way. Like I’m going to fall to the ground. The twenty-fifth? The twenty-fifth?! These past few days I’ve been so busy that I’ve simply lost count of the days…how can today be the twenty-fifth? How can it be exactly one month since I found out that I have cancer? How have the days flown by so fast? How can my life be finished already?! I have lost all control of my senses and I can feel the teardrops falling freely onto my cheeks…tears of anger, sadness, surprise, pain…and most of all fear…fear of the day I knew would come, the day we all know will come…fear of the inevitable…

“Jinny what’s wrong?! Does it hurt that bad?!” Sehun cries, apprehension evident in his voice. “Get on my back, I’ll take you to the nearest hospital.”

That one word is enough to make me come out of my trance. Hospital. No…no…I promised myself that I would never step foot in that place again, and I never will. There’s nothing anyone can do for me anymore. I’ve gotten by this far…I am not going to fall now, not here, not in front of him…

“I-I-I-I’m fine.” I mumble while grabbing onto his arms. “Please, please, I just want to go home…”

He looks like he is going to disagree but the pleading look in my eyes changes his mind. He just takes me firmly in his arms and starts walking again trying to get me back home as fast as he can. We arrive in front of my house in two minutes. He’s still holding on to me tightly, like he’s scared that I might brake if he lets me go…which I must admit with my current state, isn’t too much of an impossibility…

“You’re drenched in sweat, Jinny. Please let me take you to a doctor.” He begs me.

“No!” I half-shout before I can stop myself “I mean…no, that’s not necessary…I’m just going through a few problems that you wouldn’t understand.”

He gives me a skeptical look and I finally understand that he’s not going to let me go like this, he won’t go unless I make him, unless I assure him I’m alright…unless I lie to him for one last time.

“It’s just I’m going through that time of the month, you know the time only women have…”

His whole attitude changes from suspicion to embarrassment in a mere few seconds. He’s cheeks redden as he asks: “So that’s why you asked me what day it is?”

I just nod my head, I honestly don’t trust myself to speak right now. I mean I can’t believe what I’m doing…I’m lying to him, this is the last time I’ll ever speak to him and I’m standing here lying to his face.

“So, I’ll see you tomorrow?”

Again I just nod. Sehun-ah you might see me again tomorrow, you might see my hollow body but there’ll be no me looking back at you through my eyes…Sehunnie I won’t ever see you again…this is goodbye…

 Before I know what I’m doing, I’ve thrown myself into his arms. He stands surprised for a few seconds but then responds to me by firmly wrapping his arms around me. I rest my head on his chest and I can feel my cheeks dampening his clothes, but he doesn’t seem to mind.

“Sehun-ah thank you, thank you for being here for me today, thank you for helping me these past few days, thank you for giving your friendship to me all these years…thank you and g-g-g-goodbye.”

I turn my head quickly so he won’t see my new batch of tears, and practically run towards my house’s front door not even turning back to look at him.

“I’ll see you tomorrow…sleep well!” Is the last thing I hear from him as I slam the door shut.

 I want to break down here and now, I just want to slide down to the floor and cry my heart out; but I can’t, not yet…there’s just one last course I have to go through, one last thing I have to do before everything will be over for good.

“What’s wrong?” My mum asks me as she heads out of the kitchen and sees me leaning against the front door, fighting to hold back my tears.

I just look at her and take a deep breath, you can do it Jinny…you can do it…there’s not much time left. Don’t mess everything up now! Just think of them…

“It’s nothing…I’m just having my time.” I tell her the same lie I gave to Sehun. She instantly understands what I mean and looks at me sympathetically. “Baby, do you need anything?” She asks.

“No, I just want to go to sleep.” I say, getting ready to dart up the stairs and runaway, but my dad coming out of the living room makes me stop again.

“Oh, my little princess is home?” He asks with a smile. “Your mother told me about your test, well done!”

I look down at my feet as my mum stands beside my dad and both of them give me dazzling smiles.

“You know how proud of you we are, right?” My mother says suddenly out of the blue as my father nods his head vigorously. “We couldn’t have another baby, but you’ve always been the child any parent would ever want. You’ve never made us regret not having any other children…”

Stop, please just stop! I mentally shout at them. Stop…please, please, I can’t go through this if you act like this, please don’t make things harder than they have to be…

“We love you darling.”

I can feel a tear falling from my eyes as I try to force a smile on my face. “I love you guys too. So much…please never forget that. I’m tired now…just…so tired…I’m going…goodbye” I take one last look at my parents, one last look at the people who brought me into this world, the people who have looked after me my whole life, the people who have always been there for me…and I can feel my heart breaking little by little, I can’t do this anymore; I turn my back to them and run up the stairs to my room. I slam the door shut as I throw my lifeless and pain filled body onto my bed. I’m crying, crying uncontrollably, not because of the physical pain but because of the emotional pain, because of the people I love, because of the ones I’ll have to leave without even an explanation. That was what hurt the most when Mama died; the fact that I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye to her for the last time. But now I’m doing the same thing to the people I love.

I slowly get up from my bed as I head towards my desk and take out my notebook…if I can’t say goodbye to my parents and Sehun then at least I can write to them, at least I can tell them what has really happened so they won’t have to wonder when I suddenly disappear tonight, when I won’t be here to explain to them why I’ve kept the truth from them for so long…I at least owe them that much.

Finishing the letters I put them into separate envelopes, I write my parents’ names on one and Sehun’s on the other. I leave the envelopes on my desk in a place where they can be found easily. I’ve cried all my tears and honestly both the letters are soggy; now I’m left just feeling calm and numb. I’m about to get up from my chair when a page in my notebook catches my eyes. I take my notebook in my hands and read it:

Hi my name is Lee Jin-Ah. I’m nineteen years old. Today I have been told that I have Leukemia. The cancer is too developed, treatments will not save me…I only have a month or so to live.

I’m standing in this rain and looking up at the sky; if I don’t make a sound you can’t tell that I’m crying… right?

It’s something I wrote the night when everything started, the night I finally found out the truth. I’ve never really been one to express my feelings but that night I felt like I had to talk about how I felt to someone. Even if that someone was a lifeless notebook. I feel the same need tonight, like I’ll blow up if I don’t get how I feel, off my shoulders. I take my pen with shaking hands and start writing on the same page where the last passage had been written.

My name is Lee Jin-Ah. I’m still nineteen years old just a few months shy of my twentieth birthday…which will never happen. Today is the last night I have left. The last night of my life. It’s been exactly a month since everything started and it’s probably been the best month of my life…I got my best friend back and I’m so thankful that I’ve had the chance to do that, the chance to enjoy my life for one last time…but now I have to go…I have to go and leave him…him and all the other people I love

I’m sitting here writing for one last time with the tears rolling down my face. This time I’m not ashamed to let them flow easily…because it’s the last they ever will.

I’m Jinny, a simple teenage girl who has had an un-simple ending…I guess… this is my finale goodbye?

GOODBYE