He’s been awake since five-thirty, anticipating the day ahead. Today’s the day when he’s finally going to confess to her. Confess to the feelings he’s had for a long time but is only now starting to embrace.  He gets up from his bed and starts to get dressed, taking great care to pick clothes that she will like, because this day is going to be all about her.

He votes for blue jeans and a black shirt, he knows she likes simple things more. He takes his mobile and looks at the time 7:30, is she still sleeping? He decides to kill some time before walking over to her house. He walks down the stairs to the kitchen and pours himself a glass of orange juice as he thinks about how he’ll tell her about his feelings…Sehun has never been good at showing his true feelings. He’s been putting it off for a long time now, bringing different excuses to not tell her what he truly thinks about her; but last night, last night he came so close to doing it. To telling her that he sees her as so much more than just a friend…that the girl he is in love with is her…that she isn’t just an important girl but the most important girl in his life. But fear stopped him. Fear of rejection and fear of losing her friendship…yet, today he’s going to do it. Today he’s going to look Jinny in the eyes and tell her the truth.

A noise from the street makes his ears prick up and he walks over to the kitchen window pushing the curtain aside to see what is going on. He hears an ambulance’s siren and seconds later he sees it cruising through the street. He wonders what’s going on when the ambulance suddenly stops in front of her house. He feels his heart speeding up as two people get out of the ambulance and walk up to her house with a stretcher in their hands. He quietly curses under his breath as he quickly runs out of his house, to see what is going on. I knew she didn’t look fine last night, he thinks to himself, why did I believe her?

He runs across the street and is about to knock on her door when an ear-piercing scream makes him stop mid step.

“No…No! Jinny! My baby! No! No! Wake up! Open your eyes! Why are you sleeping?! Why won’t you open those eyes?! No, no…”

He feels his blood turning ice cold. He pushes the door and to his surprise it opens. He walks in and runs up the stairs to her room, to the place that has been like a second home to him his whole life. Her bedroom door is open. Her mother is sitting on the floor leaning against the wall outside her bedroom, crying and trembling in her father’s embrace. Neither of them even acknowledge him as he walks past them into her room. The two paramedics are there too, standing in her room beside her bed. They say something but he pushes past them not even hearing what they are telling him. He stands directly over her bed and looks down at her. A white sheet has been thrown over her body and he can’t see her face because it’s covered. Are you cold? Is that why you’re hiding behind this cloth? Jinny come out from under there…I want to see your beautiful face…how can I tell you how much I love you when you won’t even look me in the eyes?

He reaches his hand out and takes the corner of the cloth, he takes a few shaky breaths before slowly pulling the cloth down bit by bit. He stops and breaths in sharply when he sees her face. Her eyes are closed, her face is calm, her lips are shut tight…but the thing that makes him stop is her skin. Her skin is pale…too pale…almost like it’s lifeless…like it belongs to a corpse.

Suddenly he registers her words from the night before: “Sehun-ah thank you…thank you for being here for me today…thank you for helping me these past few days…thank you for giving your friendship to me all these years…thank you and g-g-g-goodbye”

He moves his shaking hand towards her face…it can’t be, right? She can’t be…she isn’t…he gently touches her skin…the skin that is too cold to belong to a living person…the last thing he remembers is the coldness as he falls into the dark.

“Sehun-ah, can you hear me?” A familiar voice asks him. “He’s coming around.”

He slowly opens his eyes to see himself in an unfamiliar room. It’s completely white and has big windows with green curtains. He looks around to see his mother sitting in the seat beside the bed he is lying in, giving him a teary smile. She was the one who called him just now.

“W-w-where am I?” He asks with a croaky voice.

“In the hospital…you fainted.” She replies to him.

“Why?” He asks confused.

“Y-y-you don’t remember?” She says, a few tears falling to her already wet cheeks. “Baby, I’m so sorry…”

He suddenly remembers what has happened. What he saw before he fainted…the image of her lifeless body scorching his mind.

“What happened?” He whispers as silent tears roll down from his eyes.

“She left you this,” His mother replies, taking an envelope from her bag and giving it to him “I’ll leave you alone, so you can read it.”

Once she’s left and he’s all alone in the room, he takes a look at the envelope in his hands. His name is written on it and he wonders what on earth is going on, why has she written a letter for him? He tears the envelope open and takes out the letter, her crabby handwriting greets his eyes:

Sehunnie, if your reading this than it means I’m already gone…wow that sounds so cliché! I personally never thought I would write those words down for someone but hey you never know what life will bring, right?!

So let me start this again, Sehunnie, if you’re reading this than I’m sorry. More sorry than you could ever know. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you what was going on earlier, I’m sorry that I left you to find things out like this, I’m sorry for lying to you…but in my defense I have to say that I was trying to protect you, to protect all the people I love.

I bet you’re surprised, huh? Don’t be. I’ve known what was coming for a while now. A month ago I went to the hospital I found out that I was diagnosed with cancer and that I wouldn’t have much time before I died…I must say it was the biggest shock of my life…I just wanted to run away and cry; but I didn’t. I stayed. I stayed and faced my destiny. And even though I resented my life that day I don’t anymore…

Do you want to know why? 

Because life introduced me to you. You who have been the first and only person I’ve ever befriended and loved…yes you read that right, love. I love you Oh Sehun, I have ever since we were little kids. I knew you could never return my feelings but that didn’t make my feelings go away. I’ve always loved you and I always will, even if I’m not alive anymore.

I know that this must come as a big surprise to you, maybe I shouldn’t have written this letter, maybe I should’ve just taken this secret to the grave, but I just couldn’t help myself. Please forgive my selfishness, I’m leaving this world and I don’t want to take any regrets with me. Just read this as a letter from a girl who has been your friend for her whole life and ignore it if it makes you sad…because making you sad is the last thing I could ever want.

 The last night we went out together you told me that you have fallen for another girl, and even though it breaks my heart to write this, I wish you both every happiness…I hope she deserves your love…because you deserve to be loved.

Sehun-ah I know you must be feeling sad, angry and confused right now but please just stop! Stop feeling those negative things! Life’s too short to be wasted on dwelling about the past, believe me, I should know.

I know that at this moment you feel like your whole world has stopped, like everything has ended and that you can’t possibly go back to life again…but let me reassure you that you will, you’ll be happy again, you’ll find a new friend again, you’ll think back to me and only remember the good memories, not the bad ones your experiencing now. As everyone always says: what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I know you’ll come out of this stronger than before, I just know it, I know you.

I have a few last request for you so listen up, my parents are left alone now that I’m gone. I know they must be going through hell right now and I can’t bear to think of it. Sehunnie they’ve always seen you as their son and you’re the only person I can ask this of…so please help them, ok? Help them get past this tough time to a better one. Help them be happy again…and help yourself to be happy again too. You hear me?! I don’t want to see you sulking and becoming the ice prince again! If you do that, know that you’ve broken my innocent heart!

Wow, look how much I’ve written, initially I just wanted to say goodbye but here I am writing a full length letter to you! You don’t mind right? I feel so tired Sehunnie…so sick and tired…all I want is to curl up in my bed and sleep, so I’ll be quick and just say my last goodbyes.

Sehun-ah promise me that you’ll be a good boy. That you’ll take care of yourself, that you’ll eat well, that you’ll enjoy life and that you’ll study hard to become the awesome teacher I know you will one day be…please Sehunnie forgive me, forgive me and be happy…that’s all I want

From the girl whose heart you have always held

Jinny

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