You look outside the window from the faculty room, enjoying the warmth of the sunlight that filters through it on this lovely morning. The cold of winter has slowly been giving way to the warmth of spring, and it’s lifted your mood ever so slightly – you’ve noticed that you smile a bit more, and sulk a bit less than before.

But maybe it isn’t the weather. Maybe you’ve just gotten so good at hiding your true feelings, at faking happiness that you’re even starting to convince yourself, if only for a little while until the sadness brings you back to reality again.

As Seoul went through one of its coldest winters in recent history, you had gone through one of your loneliest, having lost a best friend and a boyfriend.

You haven’t seen nor spoken to Jongdae since that day at the recording studio, and until now, it still hurts to think you had lost your friendship with him, built across so many years, all so suddenly. Meanwhile, your relationship with Luhan had trudged on into a slow demise, like an abandoned broken ship, left to slowly sink to the bottom of the sea.

At first things had gone on as if nothing had changed after the day at the recording studio, and truthfully, you and Luhan both tried your best to keep the relationship alive. But at some point it just couldn’t be helped anymore – after you lost Jongdae, you knew for sure that your heart belonged to him, and that he had taken it along with him, leaving you with nothing left to give to Luhan.

It’s funny how that works – you suppose a little part of you had hoped that after Jongdae left, that maybe his absence would have created more space in your life for Luhan to fill in, that the void your best friend left behind would have allowed you to make more room for your boyfriend.

Now you know better than to fill in empty spaces with misplaced feelings and forced affection that never belonged there in the first place. Because the most ironic thing about this mess is that it was Jongdae leaving that completely made you realize, without a shred of doubt, that you loved him more than anything and anyone in this world.

You only found out that Luhan had witnessed everything that day at the recording studio long after you two had ended things, but prior to that, he had been nothing less than a dutiful boyfriend, ignoring the fact that he had seen with his own eyes how you had clung onto his friend, confessed to him, cried over him. He loved you so much, but even he knew it would never be enough. Luhan is not a man who easily gives up, but he knows when it’s time to cut one’s losses and move on.

And so he did, and he let you go easily when you asked him to, not putting up a fight nor getting angry or spiteful. Instead he conceded defeat quietly, the mild-mannered gentleman that he is, and for that you will forever be thankful to him. It’s hard enough to deal with one heartbreak, but to have to suffer through two seems near impossible, and he must’ve understood.

Perhaps he had felt bad for you more than he felt bad for himself. To the very end of your relationship, Luhan had cared more for your feelings than for his.

Since then you’ve been in a constant state of bearable sadness, the kind that doesn’t hurt so much it leaves you paralyzed, unable to function or do anything, but instead is just enough to give you a constant dull ache in your chest that heightens at times at the thought of Jongdae or of what you had with Luhan, but mostly of Jongdae, and of how terribly you miss him.

A song starts playing from a radio in the next room and it distracts you from your thoughts. You inwardly scold yourself for getting lost in your thoughts again – you promised yourself you wouldn’t dwell on things anymore, that you wouldn’t give yourself any more reason to be lonelier than you already are. But it’s hard not to dwell at empty times like this, when you have nothing to do, and today is particularly a challenge because you have a 5-hour break at work.

You stand up and try to get busy, walking around the faculty room looking for something to do – a desk to fix, papers to check, anything. When you realize there’s nothing left to tidy up and you’ve graded all of your students’ papers, you try to concentrate on the song playing instead – only to realize you know that voice only too well.

His latest single must’ve come out already. Jongdae’s voice is just as beautiful as you remember, but with this particular song it takes on a more relaxed feel, without the high notes and dramatic peaks and valleys of the power ballads they often make him sing. Instead his voice is more soothing than powerful, and you realize that the mood of the song is perfect to welcome spring.

As the song moves to the chorus another voice harmonizes with Jongdae’s, a female voice, and the dull ache in your heart intensifies ever so slightly. While you try to stay away from any news about your former best friend, it’s hard not to hear things, and it’s particularly difficult to ignore rumors about him and Krystal. They recorded a song together and will start promoting soon, and the fans are, for the most part (and surprisingly so), giddy and excited about the possibility that they might be going out in real life.

You don’t know what disappoints you more about the idea of Jongdae dating Krystal – if it’s the fact that Krystal, fabulous, glamorous, girly girl femme fatale, every guy’s dream Krystal, is the last girl you’d see to be Jongdae’s type (you’ve always believed he liked girls with personality, with a quirky charm and a witty sense of humor who would rather pull off explaining the awesomeness of chemistry and/or Schroedinger’s Cat than a micromini skirt and a crop top matched with Doc Marten’s), or if it’s the plain and simple truth that the girl he’s dating isn’t you.  

“Well, this Is awkward,” you hear a voice behind you say. Startled, you turn around to see who it is, and your jaw drops in surprise.  

Jongdae is standing by the door of the faculty room, his hands inside his pockets, a casual smile lighting up his beautiful face.

“Hey,” he says softly in greeting, followed by an embarassed chuckle. “I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to accompany my entrance with background music.”

You’re still startled, still unbelieving he’s actually here, in the room with you. “It’s your own song too,” you deadpan, eyes wide, but trying your best to sound as casual and un-surprised as you can.

He bursts in genuine laughter and shakes his head, taking a glance out the window before turning back to you. “I know. I have no shame.”

“So what – “ you have to clear your throat before you can continue, “what are you doing here?”

“I heard it’s the last week of the school year, so I figured I’d celebrate with you.” He walks towards you with tentative steps, but he masks his nervousness with the cheery smile that seems to be permanently plastered on his face. “Have brunch with me? I know this nice café by the park.”

You’re too shocked, caught off guard by his invitation – by his mere presence, really – that you can only nod your permission, and before you know it you’re out of the faculty room and walking through the park on this lovely almost-spring day, with the last person you thought you’d ever be having brunch with.

You’re still so out of it that you somehow manage to trip on air through your (supposedly) leisurely stroll in the park, but Jongdae is there to catch you, holding on to your waist and keeping you from falling on your face (and embarrassing yourself).

“You okay?” he asks nonchalantly, as if this situation isn’t a big deal, as if he’s used to catching clumsy girls when they fall and saving them from a moment of public shame.

(Clumsy girls or just a clumsy you?)

You try your best to calm your frantic heart, because he’s standing too close for comfort, and just an hour ago your heart was breaking over him, but you don’t want to get your hopes up, not just yet. This could all be a sick joke, or a good-but-bad dream. Heartbreak has taught you to manage your expectations.

As you approach the café a cool breeze blows and you shiver through your thin cardigan. You’re tempted to smoke a cigarette, but resist it, knowing how Jongdae feels about smoking.

He must’ve sensed that you suddenly feel cold, because the next thing you know, he’s by your side again walking ever so close to you, his arm suddenly around your waist. You try not to gasp in surprise and act as nonchalant as you can, because he seems perfectly casual and relaxed this way.  

“This is what I like about girls from the tropics,” he starts to say. “They have beautiful, golden skin, they don’t complain when it’s hot, and when it’s cold…well, they always forget to wear a scarf or a jacket. Which gives me a chance to do this…”

The next thing you know, Jongdae leans in and blows hot air on your neck. This time, you can’t help but gasp in surprise.

You pull away in an instant, despite the butterflies in your stomach. Don’t star. Don’t start with those damn butterflies. He’s just being nice and friendly, because he’s nice and friendly to everyone.

You start to walk a little faster, a few steps ahead of him. “I’ve gotten  used to the cold, actually. It doesn’t bother me anymore. But thanks.” In an effort to be convincing, you muster a smile.

Jongdae only nods in agreement, trailing after you a little bit, still smiling that knowing smile on his face. Nothing seems to faze him today.

The two of you finally make it to the café without another hitch. You’ve been to this café a couple of times and you order your favorite - Spanish chorizo and eggs, sunny side up.

The order arrives shortly and as you stare at your plate you notice your sunny side up eggs are shaped like hearts. Before he takes his leave, the waiter sends a knowing look to Jongdae.

“Would you look at that, there are two hearts on your breakfast! How cute!” Jongdae starts to pull out his phone to take a picture.

But you’re faster. You can’t take all these…cutesy, romantic circumstances. You’ve gotten allergic to them in the last few weeks. You immediately grab your fork and start jabbing at the eggs, eating big bites in quick succession that within minutes, you’ve finished them completely.   

“Sorry,” you say awkwardly after gulfing down the last bit of the eggs. “ I’m just really…famished.”

Jongdae chuckles yet again – everything you do seems to amuse him today, and proceeds to enjoy his hot chocolate.

You spend the rest of the meal in fairly comfortable silence. You finish your meal early, but Chen seems to want to take his time with his drink. He takes a piece of bread and offers it to you.  

“Go on, you know you want to,” he urges.

This is the trouble with best friends, former or current. They know your weakness so well.

Unable to resist, you take the piece of bread and dip it in the hot chocolate. You take a big bite into the soggy, chocolate-y mess and smile the biggest, most genuine, unguarded smile you’ve smiled all morning.

Jongdae mirrors your bright smile and, unable to help himself, leans in to place a quick peck on the side of your lips. The moment is over before you realize it’s happening, and your eyes widen in surprise, suddenly feeling awkward again.

“Sorry,” he says shyly, rubbing the back of his neck. “You had chocolate…on your lip.”

The butterflies in your stomach start up again, and this time, you let them be. What’s the use of stopping yourself from feeling this way?

“Thanks,” you tell him, looking in his eyes, as if to say, I get it. You’re back, I get it.  

“You’re welcome,” he replies softly. Just to be absolutely clear, his knowing smile seems to say.

Your five-hour break is over before you know it, so he walks you back to the school after brunch.

“Ever heard of the Lakeside Rooster party?” Jongdae suddenly asks. “It’s this party that happens every year after graduation. All the graduates are invited and they wait for this guy who comes out as the Lakeside Rooster mascot to wish them all good luck on college. It’s like this whole other coming-of-age moment besides the actual graduation, being “blessed” by the Lakeside Rooster. We should go check it out, you know, yolo. Wanna go?”

You can’t help but chuckle. Jongdae and his weird and equally lame but equally awesome ideas. “I don’t think I’m supposed to. I’m their teacher,” you remind him

“Which is exactly why you should go! You’ll be the coolest teacher they ever had. It’ll be fun.”

You laugh at his infectious excitement. You’ve missed his craziness so much, and you wish you could tell him, but not just yet.

“Okay, we don’t have to go to the party. I was just looking for an excuse to see you again,” he says.

“How about we just meet at the café again tomorrow? I’ve got papers to grade, it would be nice to have some company.” You stand in front of the school, getting ready to say goodbye to him.

“Sounds great.” Jongdae lights up at the invitation. He leaves a kiss on your cheek, and you feel his lashes flutter against your skin before he pulls away. It was a chaste, gentle kiss, but no other kiss has made you feel as intense.

He steps back and starts to take his leave but you involuntarily hold on to his shirt, almost unwilling to let him go, as if you’re still not sure he’s here, he’s back. You just want to make sure.

“I’ll…I’ll see you then?” you ask, awkward and shy again.

Jongdae chuckles, your cheek before tucking a strand of hair behind your ear, his eyes looking at you lovingly. He leans in to place a soft kiss on your forehead.

“Yes. I’ll see you then. I promise.”