Jongdae sighs, and you can tell he's hurt, but he tries to hide it with a smile. "You always think about how Luhan-hyung feels." He shrugs his shoulder, trying to sound nonchalant. "Just once, just once, I wish you'd care about how I feel."

This isn’t the first time the two of you have had this conversation. Jongdae is a straightforward, honest man. You know he’s loved you since the day you became best friends. You know he didn’t stop loving you even when you got together with Luhan. He hasn’t been shy about openly telling you how he feels, always ending his messages with “I Love You”, giving you a warm hug when you meet. Sometimes, he doesn’t even need to say it – the way he looks at you is enough for you to know how deeply he cares, even if you care about someone else.

He doesn’t intend to break you and Luhan up when he confesses. “I love you,” he would often say casually, almost nonchalantly, and the casual manner in which he says it makes it even more powerful, like he’s just telling the truth, like he just can’t help himself, unable to escape his own genuine feelings. “I’m just stating a fact. I love you, always have.”

And you’ve always answered the same way, at least ever since you’ve gotten together with Luhan. “I can’t, Jongdae. You know I’m with Luhan. How would he feel if I left him for his friend? It would ruin him.” The thing is, you’ve never openly rejected him. And you’ve never told him that you didn’t love him.

Because you do.

At this point you don’t even know how this whole mess started, don’t even know when you started to have feelings for your best friend, despite being perfectly happy with your boyfriend. Somewhere along the way, while you shared so many special moments and so much happiness with Luhan, Jongdae was right there too, in your peripheral vision, making your heart flutter from the sidelines, in ways Luhan has never been able to do.

It’s just the truth. You can’t help it, unable to escape your own genuine feelings.

But unlike Jongdae, you’re too much of a coward, and you can’t just say it. You love Jongdae. You’re in love with your best friend. But you stay with Luhan because it’s safe, and it’s the “right” thing to do.

Tonight something is different with Jongdae. Tonight his confession isn’t casual – instead it’s full of intent, of need, almost dripping with desperation, though he tries to hide it. Maybe his feelings have finally caught up with him. Maybe he’s fed up with his feelings. Maybe he’s had enough of his unrequited love for you. There’s finality in the way he speaks, the way he gazes at you, like he’s made up his mind that this is his last chance, the last time he’ll ever tell you he loves you. The thought scares you, makes your heart beat wildly in panic at the prospect that Jongdae might stop loving you if he doesn’t get the answer he wants tonight.

It’s probably the most unfair, most selfish thing you could think of, but you’re just not ready for that. And yet, you remain a coward, telling him the exact same thing you’ve told him a thousand times. You’re with Luhan.

You can’t break his heart.

(So you’d rather break Jongdae’s.)

Jongdae shrugs, as if trying to shake the pain away, and offers you a smile that crinkles his eyes into little slits in the way that you always secretly found adorable. "Anyway, it's no big deal. Forget what I said. I just want you to be happy." His voice is cheerful the way it always is, but his sad smile gives him away. Jongdae puts on his snapback and zips up his jacket, tucking his hands inside his pockets, bracing himself from the cold outside, but you can't help but think it's the loneliness in his eyes that's making him seek warmth. Warmth that a stupid jacket would never be able to give him.

Because it's your warmth and your love that he needs right now.

"I'm gonna head out, Luhan-hyung must be waiting for you. See you again another time?" You try not to wince in discomfort at how hard he's trying to sound casual, to sound as if he didn't just get turned down for the nth time – maybe the final time - by the only girl he's ever loved. He gives you one final wave, still with that smile on his face, before he turns to head for the door. You stand there, unable to move. Not knowing what to do next.

-----

On the way home, Jongdae starts to second guess himself. Maybe he shouldn’t have been so forward with his feelings, with his intent. Maybe he should’ve been more patient. He’s been waiting for you for so long, what’s another month or two? Besides, you were right – how would Luhan feel? If you finally choose him over Luhan, Jongdae wouldn’t be surprised if it would mean the end of his friendship with him.

But the selfish part of Jongdae just wants to get this over with, for his heart's sake. Because sometimes, he really doesn't know how much longer he can stand the dull ache that throbs in his chest every time you give him a hug and you smile at him, knowing in his heart that you smile brighter in front of Luhan, and that when you hug his hyung it turns to a kiss...

Jongdae is not a jealous, envious man, and he's always been happy with who he is, but sometimes he thinks he'd give anything to be Luhan, even just for a little while, if it means he can see you smile at him like that, and feel your lips brush softly on his.

-----

You wake up to find Luhan sitting on the edge of your bed, munching on a burger like a happy 5 year-
old, watching Sunday morning cartoons on mute because he doesn't want to wake you. You smile at the sight of him like that while you open your phone. You realize that your friends have sent you a link to a new feature about your boyfriend. The article makes you smile even more. You turn your attention back to the man the article was talking about, and you can't help but feel butterflies in your stomach at the fact that you're the one who gets to wake up to the sight of this man, voted Best Boyfriend Material In All Of Mainland China, every morning. You must've done something pretty damn noble in your past life to get this lucky.

You move towards Luhan, sitting right behind him and giving him a back hug, taking in his scent. You love him most when he’s like this, just his normal self so early in the morning, smelling of fresh laundry instead of perfume, his hair a mess instead of properly styled, his face bare without even the slightest bit of makeup.

"Isn't it a little too early for fast food, sweetie?" you ask him. He giggles guiltily, still happily munching on his burger.

"C'mon jagi, I've been working hard all week, I deserve a little treat."

You hug him even tighter, resting the side of your cheek on his warm back. "I guess you do. Especially with your new title. I wonder if they'll still call you Best Boyfriend when I tell them you snore like a passed out drunkard every night?"

Luhan finally puts the burger down and in an instant he's got you pinned to the bed, hovering over you and assaulting you with tickles. When you finally plead for him to stop between laughs and ragged breaths he concedes, planting a chaste kiss on your eyelids as they flutter close and your cheek. "They can take back the title or give it to Zitao for all I care, as long as you think I'm the best boyfriend in the universe."

"I think the poll was only for China," you correct him teasingly.

"Yeah, but there's only one person in my universe," he reasons before kissing you in earnest, his body pressing you down onto the mattress.

So much for a lazy Sunday morning.

Things were just starting to heat up between the two of you when Luhan's phone rings. You catch a glimpse of the caller ID right before Luhan answers it and the name twists a knot in your stomach, the events of the previous night flooding your mind.

"Jongdae-yah. I almost forgot about practice, I got...distracted." Luhan looks at you and winks mischievously. "I'll be there in 15 minutes, okay? Oh, and your best friend says hi."

His last sentence before he drops the call feels like a punch to your gut. You know Luhan meant well, and he only said it because he knows you and Jongdae are close. Under normal circumstances, it would've been completely harmless and expected that you would send a greeting to Jongdae when he calls Luhan, because isn't that what best friends do?

Except Luhan has no clue about what happened last night. And he has no idea about how you really feel about Jongdae. The realization builds another layer of guilt in your chest.

And just like that, the thought that has constantly lingered at the back of your mind since this whole mess started presents itself yet again, this time right in front of you, out in the open, so you finally can't escape it - there's no way everyone comes out unscathed when you're in love with your best friend and your boyfriend.

Luhan gets out of bed to get ready in a rush. You clear your throat and try to be as nonchalant as you can, hoping the guilt you're feeling doesn't make itself heard in your voice.

"I thought you didn't have work today, sweetie?"

"Oh, the thing with Jongdae isn't work." He rummages through his closet, looking for a fresh shirt.

"It's not?"

"Yeah. It's just a little side project he's helping me out with." He finally picks a shirt from the pile and shows it to you for your approval. It's the shirt you got for him, the one Jongdae helped you choose when you told him you wanted to give Luhan a "just because" present. You were so in love with Luhan then. You still are, but...

"We're probably going to take all morning at the studio. Can we meet after lunch though? We can go to the mall. Or we can do whatever you want. Do you want to just chill at that cafe you like? Want me to ask Jongdae if he wants to tag along? You probably miss him, I don't think you've hung out in a while."

You can't help but feel touched at how thoughtful Luhan is being. Most other boyfriends would probably be suspicious of their girlfriend's friendships with other guys, but he trusts you so much that he's left no room to doubt you. He probably should have a girlfriend who deserves that trust, and not one who actually is in love with her best friend.

The guilt makes your gut wrench.

---
Sometime around noon you get a text from Luhan asking you to pick him up at the studio so you two can grab a late lunch and spend the afternoon together. You get ready in a hurry, stomach already growling from hunger. You pretty much spent the morning just waiting for him to say he’s ready to meet. Somehow, you find yourself wanting to be with him even more today.

In the back of your mind, yearning for Luhan, irrationally missing him (you were just together this morning after all), and emptying your head and leaving nothing but the thought of him were ways to try and convince yourself that your heart still belongs to him. As you step inside the elevator to the studio, looking forward to seeing your boyfriend but truthfully also strangely elated at the thought that you will be seeing Jongdae too, you wonder if it worked.

You expect to find Luhan locking up the studio, ready to head out with you to eat, but instead you’re surprised at what you walk into – at the studio’s waiting room, a nice, simple lunch is laid out on one of the coffee tables. Luhan greets you with a hug, amused at your shocked expression.

“What’s going on?” you ask him, perplexed.

“Nothing. A surprise, just because. I booked the studio for the afternoon.” He hands you an envelope. When you open it, you find a piece of paper with the lyrics to “All About Us”.

“Have a quick lunch, then get your vocal chords warmed up. We’re recording a song together,” he tells you, and Luhan is smiling so brightly, obviously unable to contain his excitement.

You fake a smile at his excitement, hoping he doesn’t notice the lump that’s formed in your throat. Because behind the glass mirror of the studio, at the production booth, you see Jongdae watching you and Luhan, and when you catch his eye he gives you a small wave.

Luhan notices and turns back to you. “Actually, this was his idea. I told Jongdae I wanted to give you a present just because, and he told me to do this. He even suggested the song – he said it’s one of your favorites.”

It is one of your favorites. One of the songs that reminded you most about your best friend. From inside the production booth, Jongdae is still smiling that sad smile from the previous night.

---
To your surprise the recording finishes almost without a hitch. All throughout you pretty much just go back and forth between the waiting area and the recording booth, while Jongdae keeps his distance, staying in the production booth. Luhan seems completely clueless about how awkward you are with Jongdae, and you give him little reason to be suspicious - you barely exchange sentences with Jongdae and before you know it you’re done recording, having listened to your finished duet with Luhan in mild satisfaction.

Despite the guilt it brings you, you can’t help but wonder how much better the song would sound if you had sung it with Jongdae.

(It’s just the truth. You can’t help it, unable to escape your own genuine feelings.)

Jongdae leaves the studio early while you wait for Luhan who’s saying thank you to the rest of the people in the studio. For a while, you’re ready to just play along, continue to act as his dutiful girlfriend, content with the way things are. But you suddenly catch yourself reading through the lyrics of the song you just sang with your boyfriend, the one your best friend so generously surrendered to him, even if it’s the song that he’s always reserved for you.

Suddenly I’m feeling brave

Don’t know what’s got into me

Why I feel this way

Can we dance real slow?

Can I hold you real close?

You excuse yourself and tell Luhan you’ll wait for him outside. In an instant you’re taking the elevator and stepping out into the lobby in a rush, hoping you’ll still catch Jongdae.

Hoping you haven’t missed your chance.

“Jongdae-yah!” you scream out when you spot his retreating back. He turns around, surprised, and waits silently with wide eyes as you run to where he’s standing.

“This isn’t right. What I’m doing, what we’re doing, this isn’t right. You can’t give up,” you tell him, chest heaving, and you’re not even sure anymore if you’re breathing heavily from the effort of rushing to him or from the intensity of your feelings.

Once you’re standing right in front of him, you take a deep breath and hold his hand.

“Do you hear that love? They’re playing our song,” you sing quietly.

“Do you think we’re ready yet? Oh, I’m really feeling it,” he sings back, right on cue.

“Do you hear that love? Do you hear that love?”

You don’t even get to finish the last line you’re singing because in an instant he has you in his arms, and all you can do is hold on to him tightly, feeling his shirt soak in the tears from your eyes. For a moment, just for a little while, everything feels in place, everything feels right.

“I’m not giving up,” he whispers as he your back, trying to comfort you.

“I’m just doing what’s right.”

His words are not unexpected, though they hurt more than you thought they would. But somehow you’re surprisingly resigned to his words and to your fate as he lets you go, unwinding his arms around you.

“He’s waiting for you,” Jongdae says quietly as he steps back. He reaches out to wipe a tear away from your face before giving you a final nod and walking away.

You’re rooted to where you’re standing, trying to stop yourself from crying.

A little ways away behind you, Luhan watches, his eyes drowning in realization.