Do you know what it’s like when you’re scared to see yourself?

Do you know what it’s like when you wish you were someone else?

Do you know what it’s like to wanna surrender?

He wasn‘t as popular as Luhan and not as charismatic as Xiumin, wasn’t as surprising. He wasn‘t as talented as Chen or Lay and not as sporty as Tao. His rap was average (not as good as Chanyeols) and his skills as a leader weren’t the best either (weren’t to compete with Suhos). Yifan knew all of this and yet he couldn‘t change it. The more he tried to improve his image, the more his fans and friends kept on laughing at it. Exo Showtime hadn’t been an exception for this. What seemed like jokes on a variety program had actually been a hurtful experience for him (or better to say for his pride). His pride had suffered more than once and even though he had told himself that it was used for general amusement, it left behind little scars. What remained was only a facade. Although Kris tried to act confident (in which he succeeded very well) he wasn‘t nearly as confident as one thought.

Kris was no longer a child. He knew how the system called society worked. He knew that people always judged and condemned him even though they didn’t know him or his situation, even though they knew nothing of his life. He knew that he had to do what people wanted him to, what they wanted to see. Yifan hadn’t many reservations towards others, but he didn’t like it when people came too close to him. Skinship was one of the biggest challenges for him. That’s why he had gotten the image of the cold city guy within a very short time. However, this facade gave him the protection he needed. At least in the beginning and towards the outside.

I don’t wanna feel like this tomorrow, I don’t wanna live like this today

Make me feel better, I wanna feel better

Stay with me here now

Kris desperately pressed his lips onto Chanyeols while one of his hands rested on the Youngers hips to press him vigorously against himself, his other hand laying against the wall behind them. Exo-M's leader couldn’t remember when that thing between the both of them started, but it didn’t matter anyway. It was nothing serious, nothing important and upmost it wasn’t a relationship. They both knew that. For Kris, it was clear that Chanyeol only let him get his way with him, because he pitied the older, but he didn’t care. He allowed Kris to do with him what he wanted, how he wanted it and when he wanted it. That was the only thing that mattered. At least that’s what Kris told himself over and over again. He unconsciously had long fallen for Chanyeol and his charm, his attire. He would never admit that fact, though. The closeness he got through their occasional trysts did make him feel good and he was afraid of losing it. Even though they weren’t enough to let the inner scars fade away they were still a healing. Chanyeol at least made ​​him feel important and wanted. The feeling of being needed was almost indescribably beautiful. Even if it was an illusionary feeling.

Yifan was quite sure that the younger had something similar going on with Baekhyun. He didn’t interfere in that, thought. The only thing that counted for him was his alone time with the groups Happy Virus. The moments in which he could dispose of him as he wanted. What Chanyeol did with Baekhyun behind closed doors wasn’t his business and Kris told himself not to care. He preferred not to know about other possible relationships, because they would have hurt him anew.

They didn’t talk much in the beginning of their occasional meet ups. Both of them had been far too busy exploring the others body, memorizing every single part and every flaw. Yifan and Chanyeol let actions speak instead of words and it worked out better then they may have thought. Soon they started to whisper sweet nothings into each other’s ears as soon as they were close enough to do so. Kris never believed in what Chanyeol said, but spoke his own thoughts with complete honesty. Every single compliment was the actual truth. The Happy Virus knew what people said about Kris. He knew how they laughed about him. It wasn’t a secret. They all knew what the other members had to deal with, but they all had their own accusations and matters, too. Therefore, it was nice to have someone by your side, telling you otherwise. Yifan needed this…

Do you know what it’s like when you’re not who you wanna be?

Do you know what it’s like to be your own worst enemy?

Who sees the things in me I can’t hide?

Do you know what it’s like to wanna surrender?

Chanyeol knew how much responsibility rested on Kris shoulders. Although Suho was their overall leader, the elder of the two leaders still had to bear enough responsibility. Besides, he knew how proud Kris was. Even though he may not always reveal it. Yifan tried to hide a lot from the outside anyway. Sometimes he succeeded in doing so, sometimes he didn’t. Chanyeol sometimes wished for more openness when it came to the elder’s troubles and worries. He could only interpret the many gestures and facial expressions Kris made while pretending that everything was indeed ok. He still couldn’t make out all the leaders worries and so some thoughts of the older one remained a mystery to him. Certainly, the Happy Virus knew that Yifan thought he only engaged with him because he pitied him. It was no secret that he thought like this, but Chanyeol wished to be able to convince him otherwise. It wasn’t his true intention after all.

Chanyeol indeed hadn’t fallen in love at first sight, but feelings could also grow with time. The little flower started to grow when Exo-M left for China. Chanyeol would have never thought that he would miss the Chinese man this much. It really bloomed when the twelve of them stood on one stage to promote as one. It had become increasingly difficult for Exo-K’s rapper to not let his gaze wander to the other rapper while being in public. Their unspoken deal to release stress brought the confirmation of Chanyeols feelings for Kris. Something he was in desperate need of by then. So he simply welcomed the deal even thought his feelings could get hurt. The younger one was willing to just drop anything and leave everyone as soon as Kris needed him. Several times he had to turn down another members offers, but he never regretted doing so. Yifan was deadly wrong when he thought that Chanyeol and Baekhyun had a thing. He would have never been able to do this kind of thing with two people at the same time, because even if their deal had been bound to a no feelings rule Chanyeol had managed to disobey that rule from the very start...

Put me back together, never surrender, make me feel better.

You make me feel better, stay with me now, and never surrender.

Every time Kris made use of their deal, he got a bit more afraid that Chanyeol would get sick of him by any second. He knew that he could be annoying, somewhat exhausting. He knew that he grew to demanding and if there ever had been something between Chanyeol and Baekhyun he had probably long destroyed it. On one hand, Yifan felt bad about it, but at the same time the Happy Virus had never turned him down. Thus, it had probably been his own fault. Despite all his thought about his relationship with Chanyeol, Kris managed to still act oblivious to his own feelings. At least more or less.

As soon as he made ​​a mental note to stay away from the younger, he craved even more for him. Whenever he was in China in order to follow their schedules, he couldn’t help but to stare at his cellphone as soon as there was an opportunity to do so. Kris would be disappointed whenever there wasn’t any reply to his text messages. Yifan nearly went crazy because of the dependence he had on the Exo-K member, but he hadn’t got a choice so he learnt to live with it. However, the fear of losing Chanyeol grew steadily. He would have been more than just a bit happy to tell Chanyeol that their deal was a commitment, a love relationship. That he belonged to Yifan and no one else.

It surprised Kris to find Chanyeols lips on his as soon as he was back in Seoul. Normally he was the demanding one instead. How they managed to finally be alone was another mystery to the older one, because Suho had suggested for them to have dinner together. Chanyeol really surprised him today. As soon as the other members where out the door, he had immediately kissed him longingly and with a rather high level of despair while he tucked on Kris shirt to get rid of the unnecessary clothing. When they broke apart, Kris lifted an eyebrow suggestively. "Did you miss me?" he asked teasingly whereupon the Happy Virus just grinned from ear to ear and kissed him again. Chanyeol knew that Kris only acted cool, that this was the usual mask he wore whenever he was away from him. Yifan hat missed the younger as much as Chanyeol had missed him. Their little thing was an incredible feeling that they both didn’t want to lose. Yifans hand slid in the Youngers hair to make sure that he couldn’t get away from him. He wouldn’t let him go for the next few hours.

Chanyeols gentle breath tickled Kris’ chest, but he never complained about it. It was a nice feeling to which the Elder had become accustomed. He gently the Youngers hair before he let his fingers wander from his neck over his shoulder to his arm that laid across Kris stomach. A loving smile was on Yifans lips and he felt calm and secure. He knew he was save when he was with Chanyeol. "I love you." he whispered, barely audible. Although the two had often made ​​compliments, often subliminally mentioned how important they were to each other, they had never directly and clearly told each other that they loved the other. Yifan felt a degree of uncertainty when he thought about him being in love with Chanyeol. He was afraid of being rejected. The fear gnawed at him, because in spite of everything he was afraid that Chanyeol was already in a relationship with Baekhyun or another Exo-K member. What if he was only a love affair to the younger? An exciting adventure. While Showtime the Happy Virus had increasingly emphasizes what a big Kai fan he was. Even now, Kris had only spoken up, because he had thought that Chanyeol had been fast asleep. The tender kiss he felt on his chest and the happy giggle proved him wrong. Immediately, his cheeks turned red and every part of Kris screamed to run. However, he wasn’t able to do so, because Chanyeol had quickly wrapped his arms around his torso and had held him close. He looked at the older with his large eyes as he smiled lovingly. The younger didn’t have to move much to be able to gently kiss Kris. It was a quiet assurance that he was in love with Yifan, too. They didn’t need words to understand each other’s feelings, they never had. Nevertheless, Chanyeol felt the urge to assure Kris of his feelings. He looked straight into his eyes while he whispered a long needed "I love you".

Make me feel better, you make me feel better

You make me feel better, put me back together.

Wu Yifan wasn’t as popular as Lu Han and not as charismatic as Kim Minseok. He wasn‘t as talented as Kim Jongdae or Zhang Yixing and not as sporty as Huang Zitao. His rap was average (not as good as Park Chanyeols), his leadership qualities weren‘t to compete with Kim Joonmyeons. He knew about all of this and yet he could live with it, accept it. As long as Kris had his Happy Virus by his side, he could see over the nasty, hurtful comments. With Chanyeols hand in his or on his thigh any nervousness during interviews just disappeared. As long as his band member only had eyes for him, everything was fine. Thanks to Park Chanyeol he would never give up.