In the place where memories rest
Even in the warmth left at the tip of my fingers
You are there, you are there, your scent, your face

I walked up to the place where the river kisses the bay, letting the messy winds blow my hair away in an off-sync rhythm. I stared at the moving sea, crashing against rocks lain along the coast. My breathing became slower. My mind cleared up. Just like magic, I calmed down as if I were put on a trance. My tensions and worries dispersed. I let my mind take me to the day I first came here, the day when he was with me, holding my hand and leading me. It was a day when the sun shown bright across the sky and the temperature was boiling. Although the weather was pleasant, I had a hard time in school. The home works, assignments, talks, and favoritism. Favoritism. It was a thing that drowned me to vast empty field where I felt lonely and miserable. But he showed me a place for my escape. That boy who was never mine. 

I closed my eyes and let a sigh escape my lips. Strange, isn't it? Only one person can put such a strong effect on you that it leaves you astonished, making you feel emotions that you never have experienced. But even from the beginning the boy whom I adored and cherished was someone I could never even touch. Xiumin, the guy who made me feel wanted, made me happy and loved, but also at the same time he was far away from me. Just like my heart belonged to him, his heart was already given to a person whom I can never take from.

Please look at me, look at me, look at me
I feel you, I feel you, I feel you like this
I tried to hold onto the way you speak, your smile
I tried to hold onto you

I was the bad-luck penny in my whole life. Darkness followed me everywhere. I was the black sheep of my family. At first, it was hard to believe my luck, the chain of events that left me questioning my own self-confidence. But when you start accepting who you are, things get much easier. So that is why I did not question nor complain when Sunmi Unnie got everything; from our parents love to intelligence, beauty, and a kiss of brilliancy. She was smart and beautiful at the same. Her face radiated in the crowds of people so it is not surprising when people love her and boys spark interest in her.

It is not like I envy her. I grew up learning never to be envious. What is the use? I can never be in her position. But every once in a while, I was reminded of her intelligence. I admit, I do wander around with what ifs and ifs, but it never played me good. For an example, if I was Sunmi Unnie, Xiumin would have been mine. I am a human too, and seeing my love with my sister does break me apart. It tears me to my feet and makes me delusional. But just as I brace myself after misery I get burdened by the thought, no matter how much you push a wall, it will never budge.

I do take pride in my sister's achievements though. No matter what, I love my sister and that is that. I cry when she cries, I smile when she smiles. It makes my insides warm to know my sister loves me the way I am. But every time, my peers know me as Shin Sunmi's little sister, not Shin Sekyung. It pained me to know I was casted in my beloved sister's shadow. It shattered me to know, no one ever judged me by the way I am. I was only Sunmi's sister.

Maybe that's why Xiumin gave me importance. We are friends, something I do not have other than him. But our conversations only circulated around Unnie. But still, I was in love.

In the place we were together,
in the moments that I started to resemble you
I was so happy just by walking in the rain with you
But you’re not here, you’re not here
How can I live as I erase you?
In the times we walked together
In the places where the memories
and lingering attachments were made
I’m standing there because I miss you so much

The little times I spent with Xiumin was enough. His careless mistakes, the way he walks, and his sense of humor, and even the tiniest details of him were dear to me. But it was rather bittersweet to be with him. Guilt sweeps me in clean, and I instantly regret my decision to even talk to him. My walls crumple down and I get left with everything aimed at me; to crush me. Sunmi Unnie is very lucky to have him. Even when I cannot, I pray that she will keep him happy and loved, to never let him go, because that boy was with her in times when she was not herself.

The thought sent shivers up my spine. Was I being repulsive and cruel towards her? Did she really see me as a disgrace? Memories crashed against me like the ocean hitting itself with the splashes of water. My face darkened. We sisters who once shared the same bed were now worlds apart. If she was here, she would have seen through me and my problems. She could have suggested outstanding advices, only if she was here. Yes, was.

Look at me, look at me, look at me
I still feel you, I feel you, I feel you like this
After barely resembling the way you speak, your smile
After barely resembling you

It all started with a promise. A promise made by Xiumin that yet changed my sister’s whole fate. It was a promise of return from a country that will keep separate them for three years. He was gone for training for he wanted to pursue his career as an ido