Not sure why I am writing this but this piece is purely delusional...it probably is not what happen but it is my story...

-----------------------------------------------

Amidst soft jazzy music, I stir my coffee gently after dropping two cubes of sugar into the porcelain cup, slowly watching them disappear into the dark black liquid. I realise I am a little too early when he is nowhere to be seen when I first step into the chic cafe, so I chose a private corner where I could see him arriving by the window. I was a little unsettled when I first arrived in Korea, as if some sort of foreboding that something is going to happen. It is as if...then again... I am not sure. I do not know if I am supposed to be happy or find it strange when he called me up asking to meet up at this cafe. Usually, we will just hang out at his apartment and spend our time catching up, having a homemade meal, somewhat happily domesticated. It is imperative that we can never be seen in public for it will create too much of a scandal. For him and in a part for me, he never wanted me to be under scrutiny or have hateful words thrown into my face. He is always that thoughtful and  caring, it's in his nature.

My heart thumps a little faster as I see him just outside the cafe, looking good in his all black ensemble and smile as he approaches me. He looks…I cannot quite put my finger to it but he seems happy, contented somewhat. I nod to the waitress standing not too far away to bring in what he would usually order and then our eyes meet. It is strange, for he quickly averts his gaze away and shrug out of his jacket, draping it neatly behind him.

We exchange mundane pleasantries till the waitress serves him his coffee, I could see her expression, taken aback when she sees who she is serving. He gives a charming smile to thank her and took a sip of the black coffee before placing the cup carefully onto the table.

"How are you?" he asks, flashing a dimpled smile at me.

"A little hectic since I am tied up with some things," I answer casually, returning his smile.

"So would you be spending Christmas here?" he probes, curious.

"No...I am probably going back in the first week of Nov, unless..." I trail off, unless you want me to, Siwon." You must be busy."

He nods his head, "A number of things coming up, the fanmeet, the concert...hardly anytime to rest, though."

I nod understandingly and then he opens his mouth, as if he wants to say something but then he shakes his head, before taking another sip of his coffee. Something seems different, where our conversation usually flows naturally, this time though, as if we only have mundane things to share, when did it become like this? His cellphone rings, breaking our conversation. Sorry, he mouths to me as he checks his incoming call. I am not sure why but I feel a tiny prick to my heart as I observe him, a soft soft smile playing on his lips as he receives the call, then in a low whisper, he turns away from me as he continues to talk over the phone, laughing a little. "...see you...later." I vaguely hear him say when he puts down the phone.

"Going somewhere later?" I ask before I could stop myself.

He nods again and then look at me, gaze unwavering.

"You have something to let me know?" The thing about Siwon is that he is always straightforward and to the point. So by his actions, he probably have something to share with me and though I have an inkling of what it is, I am...much too afraid...to face it headlong.

"I don't want to you to hear this from someone else," he starts as I glance at him, a sense of dread at the pit of my stomach, "I am seeing someone."

"Oh," is the only word out of my dry mouth as what he says is trying to sink in. Who is she? What is she doing? How did you both meet? What about us? I want to scream out to him but I choose wisely to keep quiet.

"I know we both agree to keep our relationship..." he stops and takes a deep breath.

"But we are never exclusive," as I complete his sentence for him. That is true, we have both agreed to be on a long distance relationship eversince I shifted to NYC for we both felt what we have may be enough to sustain us. But even if we both deny it, I know we are drifting apart though we try and he tries so hard to maintain, to keep what we have, refusing to let go and trying to hold on to that semblance of a relations. We came to a conclusion that last time we met that we can...are not exclusive, that we should be able to go out with others if we want to. And if we really find someone else, we would just wish the other well. It is so easy to say all that but when it really happens, like now, I am not sure if I could really let go. 

"When?" I ask, not quite sure why I am making things more difficult.

"Maybe half a year ago, but we knew each other for some time," he drifts off, a faraway look in his eyes. "But we were always friends before recently, never thinking that we are going to be...I guess, we appreciate and enjoy each other's company and it also catch us by surprise, what we feel. Took us quite a while to figure out what we feel..." he explains, again a quiet sense of certainty in his voice. "I am sorry. Truly. But I hope we will remain as good friends," he continues.

I try to smile, willing myself not to cry. "But aren't we already? Look, things have not been well for sometime but we are both too stubborn to admit it.”

“Thank you for your understanding. We really appreciate it.” He smiles genuinely, relief clear in his face.

As he drops me off my hotel, I resist the urge to kiss him goodbye but could not help to caress his face lightly for old times’ sake. He does not move away but instead wait till I am safely inside the lobby before speeding away. To her I guess. I could hardly sleep that night, tossing and turning, recalling and reminiscing of what we had and could have, deep inside knowing that it is probably too late.

He grins and waves when we see each other during an impromptu lunch at SM as I am visiting some of the girls during their rehearsals. The easy banter and free flowing conversation make the atmosphere somewhat carefree and light as the two groups tuck in a late bento lunch. As Donghae checks with me on some NYC places of attractions, I could not help but notice how close they are sitting together, a little away from the rest, balancing their bento sets on their laps and as one whispers into the other’s ear, follow by a secret smile exchanged, it is almost as if they are in their own world. Taking a look around to catch no one batting an eye at their interaction, I chide myself for overthinking things before getting pull into another conversation with some of the girls, they have always been close and it is no secret that Siwon has a soft spot for the youngest of the group.

But again, the gnawing feeling at my heart is present when I see how Siwon affectionately ruffles his hair as the other frowns half-heartedly at him over something that is said when they are told that their break has ended. Then Siwon pulls him in for a tight hug, hands resting on his hips longer than necessary until they are swatted away before they join the rest towards their rehearsal room. I could not be sure but for a fraction of a second, I think I see a tender look exchanged between the two of them as their arms brush together lightly.

"Are you ok?" someone asks.

With a slightly shaky laugh, I nod my head and then massage my temple, wondering at the absurdity of it all, it could not possibly be Kyuhyun, can it?