expect errors.

May 5, 2013: Sunday

Dear Himchan,

 It’s been a week since we were here. Remember how you were so excited for the fansigning, on the speech you’ll prepare for the B.A.B.Y.s? I was sad that it didn’t happen. But I’m more distressed that we’re here, stuck in the hospital. The road was too slippery. I’m sure you didn’t know what happened, along with Junhong. You were sleeping with our maknae at the back when the car accident happened. Our car flipped several times, and I was at the front seat.

But why were you the one injured, not me? It was only me and Dae who could stand up and visit each of your rooms here in this hospital. Jongup has a broken leg, Junhong has a broken neck and a broken arm, Youngjae has a bandage wrapped over his head and he’s still sleeping until now. But you… you had a broken neck and a broken arm, some of your ribs were broken and almost struck your heart. Thank God you were saved. They said that in a week or two, we could leave the hospital and go back to rest on our dorm. But you… have to stay here for a month, and more rest in our dorm afterwards.

I can’t imagine BAP without you. I hope you recover well, Chan. I didn’t know what my life would be without you, Himchannie. I love you.

--- Bang Yongguk

May 10, 2013: Friday

Dear Himchan,

It’s been 5 days since we’re here. CEO-nim already told the news about our car crash and our condition. All of the B.A..B.Y.s were sad about it, some were crying, a lot were devastated. But we’ll be okay. We’ll be back. Everything will be alright.

I love you.

--- Bang Yongguk

June 2, 2013: Sunday

Dear Himchan,

It’s been 4 weeks since we’re here in this hospital. Jongup’s now allowed to get out of his room and walk around the halls. Me, Dae and Jongup just visited Junhong and Youngjae. The two are still stuck in their beds, like you. Perhaps we’ll be taking a longer break from work, huh? 4 weeks and you’re still not waking up, you’re not even moving an inch. Himchannie, I miss you.

--- Bang Yongguk

June 28, 2013: Friday

Dear Himchan,

It’s Daehyun’s birthday. Me and Daehyun has already recovered, but Jongup is on crutches while Junhong and Youngjae are on wheelchairs. We celebrated Dae’s birthday, supposedly in Busan. But he decided to spend it with you. He’s now 20 years old! Right after he blew his candle, he told his wish out loud. He wishes for your recovery to be faster. We expected him to wish for more cheesecakes or better food, but he wished for that instead and I was glad about it. We miss you, Chan. Get well soon.

--- Bang Yongguk

July  17 2013, Wednesday

Dear Himchan,

After some weeks, B.A.P. will start promoting again. Though we can’t dance or move as we’re supposed to, we’ll just stay and use or voices. Himchannie, I can’t imagine B.A.P. performing without you. Not only because you’re the visual, but it’s because if B.A.P.’s missing one member, we cannot be called B.A.P. We’re just Bang, Daehyun, Jongup, Youngjae and Zelo. We convinced CEO-nim to delay the promotion for a while, wait for you to get up, rest some more and B.A.P. will be complete again. Back to normal, back to happiness. I know that will happen. I miss you, princess.

--- Bang Yongguk

July 30 2013: Tuesday

Dear Himchan,

CEO-nim changed his mind. He decided to delay our promotion, and wait for you. Some BABYs are sad about the delay, but they’re sadder about the condition you’re stuck in. Of course, we had to tell them the truth. I can’t count the letters being sent to you every day. Flowers, letters, chocolates, cookies, cards, pink stuffs. There are also tatsmato plushies in your room. Meanwhile, Secret noonas do the promotions for a bit. I hope you wake up very soon, Chan. I love you.

--- Bang Yongguk

August 12, 2013: Monday

Dear Himchan,

We’re going to start promoting next month. I can’t imagine being on stage without you, Himchan. But we’re going to do our best for you. One day, we’ll all be back to normal. We’re going to be B.A.P. again. I miss you, Chan. We’ll be waiting for you.

--- Bang Yongguk

October 16, 2013: Wednesday

Dear Himchan,

I’m sorry I haven’t written to you for the past month. We were busy promoting, practicing, things you know we normally do. We always stay up late and wake up late in the afternoon, rushing every day, and then back to promotion. I’m sorry again, Himchannie.

It was Junhong’s birthday yesterday. We celebrated his birthday with you, too. We tried our bestest to smile, Chan. But seeing you stuck in that hospital bed was too much for us, especially for Junhong. While he was wishing, he can’t speak. His words were all broken by sobs. He wished for you to come back, for us to be complete again. Seeing our maknae cry made us cry as well. But seeing that he’s crying because of your condition, you being stuck in a sleep, made us hurt even more.

I always pray, every night, that I would wake up to seeing you right beside me, kissing me a good morning. I missed that, Himchan. Come back soon.

I love you. Very much.

--- Bang Yongguk

December 24, 2013: Tuesday

Dear Himchan,

2013 is ending. Tomorrow is Christmas, and then after a few days, January 1. How do we celebrate Christmas without you, Chan? Other people ask us why we weren’t used to it. Even though it’s been 7 months, we will never get used to not seeing you around the dorm. I’ll never get used to sleeping alone, seeing my bed is half-empty, not half-full. I’ll never get used to be hurting every day.

I love you, and you know that right? Always.

--- Bang Yongguk

January 27, 2014: Monday

Dear Himchan,

It’s 2014 now. We celebrated New Year with you. Well, twice… since we have Chinese New Year, right? I kind of feel guilty. The flowers all the BABYs sent to you just end up wilting and being thrown away. The chocolate and the food, the other members just end up eating them or some even end up going to the trash. I don’t know.

Days ago, it was Youngjae’s birthday. We weren’t able to celebrate it with you because… he broke down when we were about to leave the dorm. We just stayed and tried to comfort him, though we were hurting as well. It hurts that Jae is already losing hope. But I’ll never lose hope, Himchan. Never give up!

Next month is Jongup’s birthday. I hope you wake up real soon. I really miss you, so much.

--- Bang Yongguk

February 6, 2014: Thursday

Dear Himchan,

It’s Jongup’s birthday. He would jump around and shake us awake, tell us it’s his birthday and we’ll get out of the dorm by 4 am. Buy food, dance in the streets, laugh and shout as if no one in the world cares. But… we woke up by 12 noon. The dorm was very quiet. No one was talking, even the slightest of a movement could be heard. Jongup was still sleeping, though. When he woke up, we greeted him a happy birthday. He was surprised. But I was more surprised by the fact that he forgot it was his own birthday.

We’re here in your room right now, somewhere in 11 pm. I’m the only one awake. Why am I even writing you letters if I could just speak to you instead? I wanted you to read all of this when you wake up. Not to make you hurt but… at least you know what happened while you were gone.

I love you, Himchan.

--- Bang Yongguk

April 1, 2014, Tuesday

Dear Himchan hyung,

It was Yongguk hyung’s birthday yesterday. He didn’t get sleep. Actually, he isn’t getting enough sleep anymore. He’s gone too skinny and he has dark circles around his eyes. Hyung, he cries himself to sleep every night. I’m writing for him, hyung. Since… he couldn’t write today. It was just sad because… this is the fifth birthday spent without you, hyung.

When are you going to wake up? Not that I’m losing hope but… why did you have to go in that condition? I can’t count the times Gukkie hyung wished to swap places with you. He said he’d take your place so that you’ll be okay again.

Hyung, it’s April now. I wish we could rewind the time. In nine days, it’s your 2^nd year anniversary with Yongguk hyung. It’s also your birthday after some days. Wake up soon, hyung. B.A.P. is not complete without you. We miss you, Himchan hyung.

--- Junhong

April 19, 2014: Saturday

Dear Himchan,

I didn’t get to greet you a happy 2^nd anniversary by letter, but here am I, greeting you a happy birthday. You’re half of 50 now, like me. 25, but still beautiful. I’m sorry if this letter has some blurry spots. Maybe not just some, maybe too much. I don’t know what to do now, Himchan. You fought for 11 months, almost for a year. You’re so strong. I didn’t know how to face you for the past days . I wanted to stay in my room. Look back at all of our pictures, read all the letters you gave me, watch all of the vlogs you made for me, listen to your lullabies every night.

But my ultimate fear already came. I didn’t know what to do right after I woke up. I woke up feeling empty. I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t know how to smile anymore. Here am I, writing this letter beside you. I wish we could go back to the time last year in May. I wish we just stayed home from the fansigning. If we did, you’d still be here by now. We’d still be happy, we’d still be complete. But now…

This is my last letter to you, Himchan. I would like to let you know that I miss you so much, but seeing your pain has ended, I didn’t know if I could feel happiness in me. I love you so much, more than words could describe. More than actions could express. My love for you is very… well, I told you no words could describe it, right?

You’re up there now, Himchan. I know you’ll be the star that looks down at me to guide me. Out there, you may be gone, but you’ll never be gone inside me. We’ll meet again, when time comes.

I love you, my queen, Kim Himchan.

--- Bang Yongguk

SO YAY! that was it. idk is it even angsty- omf what am i talking about. mianhe mianhe mianhe i'm fangirling over something- 

okay so lemme explain this.
before a fansigning, or idk idk- argh
on the way to a fansigning, the road was slippery and then bang car crash!1!
(i didn't realize i used yongguk's surname as a sound effect pmsl)
so yeah himchan got in a comatose and and they (banghim) started their relationship on april 10, 2012.
yongguk wrote for himchan here on april 19 bc it was his birthday, also, himchan passed away on april 10, 2014.
on fic only, of course.
idk i had the need to write a banghim angst fic so forgive me please!1!

for my banghim parents o u o 

(it's bc uh in my rp banghim are my godparents who became my parents yehet <3)

p.s.
i demand a mv for lovesick, with you, or bang x2!1!  u w u if only...