Fear and anticipation settled heavily at the pit of his stomach. After months of planning, they were finally on their way to Los Angeles. He bit his lip and leaned back against his seat, the exhaustion was catching up on him, and he was still hung over from last night. They had crammed themselves and all twelve of their suitcases in Kris and Tao’s apartment, playing video games, drinking and stuffing their faces with junk food, all too pumped to go to sleep, talking about the endless possibilities that an unsupervised trip to a foreign country had to offer.

Chanyeol was really, really excited too, especially since Suho’s parents had footed the bill for all of them to go to Disneyland to celebrate their son’s birthday, but he had a problem. He now regretted staying up until 4 in the morning with Jongin, trying to beat each other’s high score in Mario Kart because his head felt like someone was repeatedly hacking it with an axe.

There was also that minor issue about his fear of flying.

Actually, no, scratch that, Park Chanyeol was absolutely, definitely terrified of flying. He sat very, very still and concentrated on not throwing up when thoughts of take-off and landing and all the possible turbulence they might have on this flight crossed his mind.

With probably less than twenty minutes before the plane would take off, he unbuckled his seat belt and stood up to survey the scene around him, passengers trying to put their carry ons in the overhead bins, a young mother stuffing her son’s face with Cheerios to stop him from crying, a very ripped man in a ridiculous muscle shirt flirting (or trying to) with a very bored, grumpy looking flight attendant.

Across the aisle on his left from his cramped, stupid middle seat was Baekhyun, yapping away on the phone, next to him was Sehun, an arm looped around Luhan’s who was trying to untangle a mess of wires which he assumed were earphones. Three rows up front in the bulkhead he spotted Kris who was still not seated, drinking from a ridiculously expensive bottle of water, he could see Minseok (or the top of his red snapback) in the middle, and Tao seemed to be arguing with one of the other sour-faced flight attendants, probably trying to negotiate if he could just hold on to his monogrammed man purse instead of stowing it in the luggage compartment, because keeping it pristine was so much more important than in-flight safety.

Directly behind them was Yixing, completely knocked out in his aisle seat, with Jongin next to him. The boy’s head was resting on Kyungsoo’s right shoulder, who was reading a book. He felt his heart race when he realized that his options were close to nothing; he knew that Suho had used his miles and upgraded to business class and took Jongdae with him. A flight attendant walked by and pointedly looked at his crotch, or maybe at the seat belt buckle that he had gripped in his hand, he didn’t know or care, but he knew that desperate times called for desperate measures.

He scooted over to the still empty seat next to him and grabbed Baekhyun by the shoulder, but the boy gestured to his phone and mouthed ‘It’s my mother!”. After checking that the aisle was clear, he got up and squeezed himself in their row, earning him a glare from Sehun.

“Dude, trade seats with me,” He said.

“Are you blind? I’m in the middle seat too,” Sehun said.

“It’s not that, I just, come on…Just this once. Help me out!” Chanyeol said. He hated begging like this, but it would definitely be worth it once he’s safe between two people whom he knew would not freak out once he started crying like a little girl when the plane hits those nasty pockets of dry air in the clouds. They would probably laugh, but he preferred that over judging looks and glares when a man of his height and age started panicking if the plane went through a turbulence of whatever kind.

“Go away, I’m trying to sleep.”

“Luhan, I’ll pay for all your meals in Disney, just let me trade seats with you,” Chanyeol said.

Sehun threw his arms around Luhan, his nose just a few inches from the Chinese boy’s face. “I’ll pay for all three days, stay here with me!”

“Sehun, come on!” Chanyeol half-yelled.

Luhan laughed as he tried to wriggle his way out of Sehun’s arms, without much success. “Sorry, Chanyeol. Even if I manage to get out from this kid’s death grip, I still don’t want the middle seat. Have you tried with the others?”

He let out an exasperated sigh. “Never mind. I hate you guys,” the flight attendant who stared earlier at his crotch/the seat belt buckle in his hand just walked past again, and had asked Baekhyun to get off the phone and for Chanyeol to please sit down and to buckle up if they wanted the flight to leave on time so they can all go on their merry ways.

With slumped shoulders, he started making his way back to his seat. “Byun Baekhyun, you better start finding a new roommate soon. If I piss in my pants during this flight, I will never forgive you,” He whispered savagely. Baekhyun started to say something but he was too preoccupied with his dramatic exit. His foot got caught with the strap of Luhan’s camera bag and he almost collided with the person on the aisle, but fell on Baekhyun’s lap instead.

“Oh crap, sorry!”

“Excuse me!”

Chanyeol would never forget that moment, when their eyes met for the briefest of moments. And then was slightly parted and her gaze fell on the flailing arms underneath him that was Baekhyun. He would have liked to stare at her longer, but his best friend’s muffled protests were now too loud and laced with death threats for him to ignore.

“Gerrthefckoffmyrlapchnyl”

“Oh, oh! Sorry, dude.” There were muttered complaints of bones that might break because he was too tall and too big and should be more careful and many other things that weren’t important because he was too busy trying to process the fact that the girl have not walked away, but instead was trying to hoist her trolley bag to the compartment directly above the seat that was next to his.

“Chanyeol,” Sehun’s bored voice drawled.

“What?” Chanyeol said, eyes on the girl’s shiny dark hair, only half listening to what his friend said.

“-said help her, idiot!”

“Oh, right. Yeah,” He cleared his throat and moved back a bit because more people were getting on board, all in a rush to get to their seats. “Excuse me, miss!”

She was startled when his deep voice boomed, and almost dropped her bag on herself in the process. He felt his face get really, really hot when muffled laughter of three selfish, stupid boys erupted in the background, and more glares from the long line of other passengers were directed at him.

“Oh, crap! Sorry, here, let me help you with that!”          

Her eyes widened a fraction when she looked at him and he hoped it wasn’t because of the pimple patches on his left cheek. Of all the times to break out like a fricking teenager, he thought. There were only two pimples really, but they were the size of Mount Vesuvius and so he had to cut some band aids into small squares and haphazardly slapped them on his face this morning because they were so gross, that even he felt like throwing up just by looking at them.

“Thanks” she said, her face a little pink.

“Yeah, sure.”

After rearranging some of the bags (he threw Sehun’s backpack to his face), they got settled in their seats. Chanyeol’s problem was not solved, and if anything, he had other things to think about now. He was more nervous, and it wasn’t just about the flight anymore. He stole glances at the pretty girl next to him every now and then and he must have been too obvious, because his friends were making ridiculous kissy faces and shooting hearts at him.

Chanyeol tried to glare at them, but burst out laughing instead. Luhan had tapped Sehun on the shoulder, who was still pouting his lips making disgusting kissing sounds, and when Sehun turned, had accidentally-on-purpose kissed the Chinese boy full in the mouth. Luhan looked like he just polished an entire bottle of soju by himself, all red and spluttering while the younger boy who had stolen a kiss from him looked very proud of himself.

“Do you want to trade seats with me?” She had looked up from her book and was shaking her head at the three boys across the aisle with a small, amused smile on her face.

“Huh?”

It was his friends’ turn to laugh, and Chanyeol was just about ready to commit murder in public.

“I don’t mind, I won’t be as cramped,” The girl said.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, why not. That way you’re closer to your friends,”

Chanyeol sniffed. “They stopped being my friends ten minutes ago,” Chanyeol said, directing a not-so-subtle glare in their direction. The girl laughed.

He stared at her for a second, and he wondered what other things he could say or do so he can hear her laughter again.

Two zombie movies and a serving of horrible plane food later, the fasten seatbelt signs flashed on and Chanyeol felt his stomach tense.

“Baekhyun…” He muttered.

His friend reached for his backpack and rummaged around for a bit. “Here,” Baekhyun said and handed him a brown paper bag.

“Hold my hand…” Chanyeol begged.

“Dude. No. Just…breathe in, breathe out.”

He started to break in cold sweat and gripped his armrests as if his life depended on it (it probably did), and as if on cue, he felt his seat start to vibrate. An announcement went off and the captain asked the flight attendants to please take their seats, and for everyone to calm down, they were just going through some turbulence.

Chanyeol hated it when they made announcements like that. For one, asking the flight attendants to sit down was never a good sign. They never seemed fazed whenever the plane shook or made weird sounds (which he was pretty sure was what engine failure sounds like) so if it’s time for them to buckle up, then it has got to be serious. Second, how in the world can you ask people to calm the frick down when death seemed imminent, with the way this giant steel bird was shaking?

“I…hate.flying…oh my gosh…” He muttered. He felt like he needed to throw up, and he let out a not so manly squeak when he felt a small drop, and his stomach flipped. “Baekhyun…”

So many things seemed to happen all at once. One of the male flight attendants barked at someone to stay in his seat and to put on his seatbelt, a baby started to wail and the plane started to shake more violently and something crashed to the floor. Chanyeol opened his eyes a little to see that it was a laptop, with a cracked screen that resembled a glass spider web. He pressed his forehead against the back of the seat in front of him and he bit his lips so hard to stop himself from crying out, he thought he tasted blood.

Then he felt a warm hand on his clammy arm.

“Hey,” Her breath ghosted on the back of his neck, and he wanted to yell at her because he was just really trying to deal with one thing at a time, he didn’t need her to be so close, she smelled so good it was making him feel other weird things inside. He felt her other hand running up and down his back, and he wanted to cry with how comforting it was, but he didn’t.

“Lean back, come on, it’s ok,” She said.

Chanyeol did, his eyes still shut tight, he didn’t even care if he looked stupid right now, sweating buckets and most probably pale. He just wanted the plane to stop flying, no, to stop shaking, because he was so, so scared.

“What’s your name?” She asked.

“Ch-chanyeol,”

“Hi Chanyeol, I’m Ho Jung. Nice to meet you,” She said with a small chuckle. It wasn’t mocking, in fact it made him want to laugh a little too. The situation really was comical and if they only knew how funny it would be much, much later, when they would talk about the first time that they met.

“Hey,”

“Where are you guys off to?” She asked.

“Huh?” There was another quick, sharp dip, and he was certain he was going to either hurl or pee in his pants real soon.    

“You and your friends. Where are you guys going?”

Chanyeol wasn’t sure if he heard right, but he just wanted to cry and tell her that now was really not the time for small talk. He bit back a reply that obviously, they were all going to America like she was. “D-Disneyland.” He breathed out instead.

“Fun…I wish I was going, too. I’m going to my cousin’s wedding.” She said, her voice as soft as her hand.

He didn’t know what to say to that, and right now he really, really didn’t care whoever was getting married where. The plane was still moving too much for his liking. “Ok,” was all he said.

“Have you been there before?”

He shook his head and reluctantly opened his eyes to look at her. She had her arm around his, one hand his forearm gently, a faraway look in her eyes. “Oh you’re in for a treat. I love Disneyland. And California Adventure, they’re right next to each other.”

He nodded again, closed his eyes and tried to zero in on her voice, while she told him about Space Mountain; the only roller coaster (kind of) ride that she loved, because like him, she doesn’t like drops (he has no idea how she knew that, but anyway). It’s so much fun because it’s dark inside and you can’t see where the next twist or semi-drops were and even if you went on it five times in a row, which she has done on one occasion, it was still fun and she still got excited. She told him about corn dogs, which were probably one of the worst junk foods out there, but she always ate them when she was there to visit anyway, because Americans did their hotdogs right; juicy and oh so salty, inside crisp, deep fried batter. She said they should try the pineapple whip drink that was sold by the Enchanted Tiki Room, and there were ice cream bars shaped like Mickey Mouse’s head. They were expensive, but what the heck, you don’t go to Disneyland to skimp on snacks or souvenirs.

The place is just so magical in a way that she has never ever seen a kid crying or disgruntled parents of all those times that she has been there. She had a theory that they sprayed the air with some sort of chemical that made everyone happy. She said that they shouldn’t miss the parade, and he should definitely have his picture taken with the castle at the background and the fireworks at night were worth waiting for as well.

Chanyeol thought that the Buzz Lightyear ride sounded like something he and his friends would enjoy, especially Sehun, because Toy Story was one of his favorite movies, like, he even cried when they saw the third and last installment.

She said the weather would be perfect this time of the year but the amusement park would really be crowded because of summer vacation, and there would be long lines, but it would be ok because even waiting would be fun, because he has friends with him.

She said that sometimes, the journey itself was better than the destination.

She kept on talking about the things that he would have fun doing with his friends, but he pictured himself walking in to every single one of the souvenir shops with her, just looking at stuff but not really buying anything. He wondered how it was like to hold her hand.

She gave him a gentle squeeze, and he felt the fear creeping up his gut again when she gently untangled her arm from his, but the plane was moving smoothly again and she might get a little freaked out if he didn’t let go, so he did. He cleared his throat and straightened up in his seat, his face flushed when he realized how little space there was left between them, he had leaned closer to her, her voice had drawn him like moth to a fire.

“Thank you,” He whispered, his voice came out gruff and a little scratchy. She just patted his arm and smiled.

They didn’t talk much after that. Ho Jung read her book, Chanyeol tried to watch movies. The rest of the trip went by smoothly, and he was very conflicted on how to feel about that. There were shy goodbyes when the plane landed, he helped her get her bag out from the overhead bin and he was surprised when she gave him a quick hug as thanks before she walked away. At least Baekhyun and Sehun had the decency to wait until she was out of sight before they started teasing him about it, with Luhan telling all their other friends how he lucked out with seating arrangements.

Chanyeol wanted to punch himself (or Baekhyun, who kept on harping about how stupid he was) for not getting her number, but it was too late, she was already gone. There was a throbbing just above his right eye, and by the time they were in the long line for immigration, he was in a very grumpy mood. He had no idea how and why his friends were all wide awake, talking nonstop and joking around as they looked around for the pretty girl with long, dark hair in the oversized Yonsei University hoodie and dark skinny jeans.

They didn’t see her again, and Chanyeol didn’t want to think about it anymore. He was just dying for a shower and he watched the baggage belt with hawk eyes, waiting for his suitcase to come out. One by one his friends got theirs, until his and Sehun’s were the only ones they were waiting for.

“Hey, Suho and I will get our rental cars, you guys stay together ok?” Kris said. They all nodded and hummed their replies.

After almost half an hour, the crowds thinned and the led displays on the carousel flashed information that the bags coming out soon will already be from a different flight.

“What does that mean?” Sehun asked, with an expression on his face that looked like he was ready to punch someone.

Chanyeol felt his stomach drop, and all hopes of getting to their hotel and getting cleaned up disappeared, only to be replaced with panic and fear.

“I think. Our bags are not going to be here anytime soon,” Chanyeol said, “Can you call Kris? My phone’s out of battery-“

Sehun held up his hand in front of Chanyeol’s face. “Don’t talk to me, I’m going to check on the other side,”      

“I swear one of these days I’m just going to punch your stupid face!” Chanyeol said. He walked over to the rest of the guys standing by a row of chairs. The boys started talking all at once when he told them what he thought had happened and his head felt like it was about to explode.

“None of us have roaming, and even if we did get to contact them they can’t come back in here anyway, security won’t let them. And they’re probably waiting at the rental place now,” Luhan said.

“They’re not picking us up?” Minseok asked.

“No, we’re supposed to take the shuttle to the lot where they’ll be waiting with the cars,” Tao said.

“This is a freaking nightmare,” Chanyeol groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose.

Chanyeol?”

All eyes were on the pretty girl with long, dark hair in the oversized Yonsei University hoodie and dark skinny jeans.

“Hey Ho Jung…you’re still here!”

He could hear palms slapping against foreheads behind him but his mind was racing and his heart was beating too fast and oh good grief her smile was so beautiful, and really, Chanyeol was just too happy to see her again to care.

“Yeah, you guys too,” She gave his friends a small smile, “everything ok?”

“Yes! No. Actually no. I think our bags got lost somewhere. Well mine and Sehun’s…”

She frowned and looked around the area. She pointed to one of the uniformed airline agents with a walkie talkie not too far from where they were. “You can talk to that lady over there, I’m sure she’ll help you,” She said.

The boys all looked at each other. Ho Jung stared at them, lips pursed and her eyebrows raised.

“Well…the thing is…none of us speak English very well and…Kris and Suho got our rentals and-“ Chanyeol said, his face getting warm and he cursed himself for not paying attention to his English classes in high school.

“Oh. I see. Well…if you don’t mind…I can help you out with that,” She said, a little uncertain.

“You will?” Chanyeol lit up, too happy with his good fortune to notice the smothered laughter of his friends behind him.

“Yeah, why not? My cousin got held up in traffic. He won’t be here any time soon.”

“Ok! I mean, yeah sure. If it’s not too much trouble,”

She laughed and Chanyeol wondered how many more times and in what other possible ways could he embarrass himself even more.

“No, really, it’s ok. Come on, let’s go find your bags.”

By the time their problems were sorted out (the two suitcases will be delivered to their hotel that evening), Chanyeol was determined not to let the moment pass by.

“Ho Jung, uh…Um…Can I, is it ok if I-“

“Give me your phone,” She said.

“W-what?”

“You want my number right?” She asked, a smile on her face.

“Yes! I mean, just in case. You know-“

Baekhyun appeared out of nowhere, his hand inside Chanyeol’s pocket, fishing for the phone. He gave Ho Jung a toothy grin as he handed it to her. “Here, that’s his phone.”

Chanyeol stared at her while she saved her number on his phone, complete with a selca. She smiled at Baekhyun before grabbing Chanyeol’s hand to give him back his phone.

“Here, give me a call or something when you get back from your trip,” She waved goodbye to all his other friends who were watching with expressions that varied from amusement to exasperation to envy, and gave him another one of her smiles. “Well, my ride’s here. I guess I’ll see you guys later.”

“Bye! And t-thanks again!” Chanyeol yelled after her.

“You lucky idiot,” Baekhyun said, “If I was a girl, you’d be the last person I’d give my number to, whimpering like that on the plane,”

But Chanyeol was not paying attention, he was already counting the days until it was time to take the flight back home.

That night when they were all in bed, his best friend would try to smother him with a pillow, because he wouldn’t stop talking about how shiny her hair was, how she kind of glowed if the light hits her skin just right or how he wanted to learn English again and if he should take her out for coffee or dinner when they get back to Seoul. Baekhyun would eventually just give up and ignore him but Chanyeol would stay up late, just staring at her picture on his phone, and when he finally falls asleep he would dream of ice cream bars shaped like airplanes and rides with semi-drops and long lines where he would be standing right next to Ho Jung, holding her hand.

Chanyeol felt like his heart was going to burst while he watched Ho Jung sleep, and he thought that the 16oz Jamba Juice every day for the next two weeks that he bribed Baekhyun with so he’d sleep somewhere else tonight was definitely worth it.

Three weeks after they first met, he finally gathered the courage to call and ask her out.

They have been seeing each other for two months when one day, they had a huge fight because she was getting sick of running around in circles with him, when they both knew how they felt about each other. Chanyeol was too scared to admit it, to himself and to her. She had yelled that she was breaking up with him, he yelled even harder because he said they weren’t even together so she wasn’t allowed to do that. He started throwing things around when she screamed at him that he was an idiot and she got so scared that she started crying and tried to leave, but he was on his knees, begging to be forgiven, and by then he knew that she loved him too much already to just walk away like that; so he clung to her.

And then they kissed, gently at first, both whispering repeated I’m Sorry, I Love You and Don’t leave me! and their lips became more fervent, more heated and it could have been so much more if his friends didn’t come barging in to the apartment. He had yelled at them for scaring his girlfriend and there were drinks all around after that, because finally, finally, Chanyeol has confessed. Sehun was later seen sulking in a corner of their beat up couch, because he had lost a bet with Jongin with an amount that was enough for the latter to buy new games and additional controllers for his Wii.

And now, six months and three weeks later, he was most definitely, desperately in love, and it scared him a little how he could feel so much for a single person in such a short period of time.

Ho Jung stirred, and Chanyeol’s breath quickened as he watched her eyes flutter open. A smile that broke his heart and made him feel whole at the same time tugged at her lips and he couldn’t help but smile back.

“Hey, you,” He said.

“Can’t sleep?” She asked, voice a little rough.

Chanyeol reached out to push the hair away from her face. “No,”

“I’m thirsty,”

“Ok,”

By the time he had gotten back in bed with a glass of water, she was asleep again, mouth slightly parted. His heart ached and he didn’t know why, but it did, thinking that she was his, that they belong together.

For now, until tomorrow, even forever if they both decided to.

He slid his arm under hers, and pulled her gently closer to him, careful not to wake her up. Her body melded perfectly against his, her head cradled in the crook of his neck.

“Ho Jung ah…I love you, do you know that?” He whispered, his fingers carding through her soft hair, “I love you, I love you…don’t leave me, ok?”

He felt her arms wound tighter around him. “I won’t…” She whispered back.

Chanyeol fell asleep, a smile on his face. In the morning, as he watched Ho Jung fry eggs sunny side up, just the way he liked it, he would remember dreaming about being in a huge, green field. Hundreds of paper planes were on the grass, and he wasn’t sure if he was the one who made them.

They have graduated from university, found jobs and were now proper adults. Well, Ho Jung and his friends were. Baekhyun, Kyungsoo and Luhan were all salary men now, with day jobs that required for them to wear nice dress shirts and ties. Tao got hired at one of the biggest advertising agencies in the country, only to hate every minute of it when he found out that for him to rise in the ranks, he had to run errands and make coffee for at least the first year of his employment. Jongdae was now a music teacher in a small, private institution and was dating a nice girl that he met on a blind date. Lay also had things going on for him, managing the branch of his father’s manufacturing business in the outskirts of Seoul.

Even Jongin and Sehun were now too busy, being in their final year of school. But Chanyeol thought that just got very, very real when Kris and Suho announced that the loan that they had applied for have been approved, and together with Minseok, were finally going to register the name of their startup company soon.

The trip to Disneyland, drinking until they passed out, pointless fights and dates in frilly little cafes all seemed like a distant memory.

Two years and five months later, he still loved her, but he wasn’t so sure if they could be together anymore.

She said that he was wasting the degree that he had worked hard for, by playing his guitar with his band at bars until the early hours of the morning. He resented the fact that she wanted to tie him down to a nine to five job, when this, his music, was what he wanted to do. She argued that if things were to progress in their relationship, they both needed stable careers to pay for their bills and other stupid things like that. He reasoned that they were so young, what was the rush? She begged for him to grow up, that it was time to move on to different things; that it was possible to be a programmer during the day and have gigs during the weekends. He shut her down and left in the evenings anyway and came back hours later, reeking of alcohol and smoke that he did not consume or touch.

They were fighting more than ever, and always said things that would hurt even after they have apologized, under the sheets, limbs tangled and breaths ragged. But he didn’t want to give up, not just yet. Ho Jung was the love of his life, she was everything to him, even if at times he was just about ready to pull his hair out. He wasn’t willing to let her go, but she had other ideas.

One day she announced that she was moving to the States, that their relationship was too destructive, it wasn’t healthy and that she loved him too much to keep on doing what they were doing. He was on his knees, begging for her to stay.

“I’ll do anything, just please, don’t go!” He held on to her and hugged her by the waist.

“Chanyeol,”

Her voice broke, and he knew that just a little bit more, and they will be tearing each other’s clothes off, they will forgive each other and try again, because that’s what people who are in love are supposed to do, right?

“I’m sorry, but I can’t do this anymore.”

He was too dazed to hear anything else, when she explained that she had been thinking and planning about this for a while now. He didn’t have to worry about the lease of their apartment, and many other stupid, irrelevant things like that. Ho Jung was leaving him, he felt like his life was extinguished inside him just like that, he didn’t even have any fight left to stop her from untangling his arms from her body, no strength to stop her from packing her clothes and her books and other things that she would bring that were important.

Everything else but him.

The airport was a very interesting place.

Chanyeol found that whenever he was there, for a trip or to see someone off, he would, at one of point or another, feel lonely no matter how crowded it got. It was as if the travelers walked and hurried about and emanated the physical effect on their bodies of the time differences of the countries they’ve been too and the current one that they were at; the scent and sounds of cities they’ve seen and the feelings and emotions that these trips have evoked, all released into the air, making him feel out of sync with everything and everyone else.

There were too many goodbyes, brittle hellos, promises that were meant to be broken, forced smiles, bitter lies and so many other things left unsaid so as to be able to catch flights that take people farther away from where they should really be.

He stared at a man and a woman who clung to each other, the latter’s face shone with tears as the other murmured what he assumed were words of comfort to her ear. They didn’t seem to be working though, in his opinion, the woman only cried harder and her shoulders shook with each sob, and the man’s face had crumpled and looked like he was close to tears himself.

Chanyeol didn’t know which was harder; to leave, or to be the one left behind.

“Hey.” A soft voice interrupted his thoughts, and he looked up to see that she has arrived. His heart still did that crazy thumping that it did whenever she was around, and with a twisting in his gut, realized that her almond-shaped gaze was still one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen.

“Hey,” He stood up to pull out the chair next to his, and grabbed her laptop bag and settled it on the floor. “Want something to drink?” He watched with hopeful eyes when she tried to choose if she would sit right next to him, or on the chair across the small round table.

It felt like there was a vast amount of ocean in between them when she chose the latter.

“Not really…My flight’s going to start boarding soon.”

“I see…” He tried to bite back the words, but it was now or never.

“Ho Jung…” He winced when his voice broke, “Please…stay?”

She looked at him with sad eyes and like a flash flood, memories of how and why he loved her drowned his thoughts.

“I’m sorry…Just please, take care of yourself, ok?” She said.

Chanyeol didn’t know which was harder, to end something that was once beautiful, even if there was still a little bit of love left, or to drag it until both people were only hanging on for all the wrong reasons. He was angry because he knew that the kind of love that they had was true, but it didn’t stand the test of time. It hurt him so much to think that they wouldn’t grow old together, and he wouldn’t see her again the next morning, when he woke up from his dreams about paper planes and ice cream bars shaped like hearts.

It was the kind of love that you look back on and smile, with sadness tugging at your heart.

She made a move to stand when he didn’t say anything else, and he stood up and wrapped his fingers around her wrist. “Ho Jung, wait,”

The tears on her face was something he didn’t expect, and the words were stuck in his throat, they were too many, too painful, too full of love and anger and sadness, all in a big lump that he didn’t think he could spit out or swallow.

“What is it?” She asked, her voice soft.

He wanted to tell that he was sorry because he wasn’t able to give her the forever he had promised when they first started out. He was sorry that their love had ran its course, and that she felt that it was not worth saving. He wanted to tell her, that no matter where she went, if she ever found someone who could love her more than Chanyeol ever did, if that person truly made her happy, then he would be contented.

Chanyeol knew that he would die inside every time he would think about how a different person would make her laugh, the way he did on that flight to Los Angeles just a few summers ago, when they first met. He wanted to let her know that there wouldn’t be a day that he won’t be thinking of her, wishing they were together, hoping that that she was safe and healthy. He wanted to let her know that he would never love anyone the way he loved her, still loves her, because that would be impossible. He wanted to let her know that he would never stop hoping that in the end it would still be the two of them, that maybe someday she’d find her way back to him.

“Nothing…I just wanted to tell you to have a safe trip.” He said.

She gave him a sad smile, and his heart clenched, she looked like she was hoping that there was something more, something else that he wanted to say.

Chanyeol watched her walk away, his heart as light as air and yet in pieces like shattered glass. He knew that she would be in every corner of the new apartment he would move into next week, in every movie that he would watch. All the songs that he would hear on the radio would sound like it was written for their love that once was. Ho Jung would be in every airport, every street and every sleepless night that he would go through. She would be one of the faces in the crowds that he would lose himself in so as to ease the loneliness that had only just begun.

He would taste her lips in every first kiss of every relationship that was bound to fail in the end, she would be in every page of every book that he would ever read. 

He was grateful that it happened, he wouldn’t have had it any other way, but he wondered if could survive this loss.

“What day is it today?” Baekhyun asked. He was swiping at his smartphone, brows furrowed.

Luhan looked up from his laptop. “It’s Wednesday, April-“

“Day 459,” Chanyeol said.

They were all in his office, eating lunch. Shoulders hunched and eyes glued to his computer screen, he knew that his three friends were sharing that look again whenever he said something that would confirm their suspicions that he needed to be locked in a padded room of a mental institution.

When Ho Jung left, his friends had convinced him that what he needed was distraction, and an opening at the company where Baekhyun, Kyungsoo and Luhan worked seemed like the perfect opportunity (at least for them) for him to start moving on with his life. All hands were on deck, and they helped him fill the void that Ho Jung left.

Tao and Kris helped him shop for dress shirts and nice ties that he could wear to work (Tao was scandalized at the state of his closet before then), Jongdae signed him up to volunteer with him at an old folks’ home twice a month where they played the guitar and piano and sang songs for hours (he enjoyed that, seeing old couples dancing and holding each other close), Luhan and Minseok would wake him up every Sunday morning for soccer or basketball, Lay would drop by his apartment at the most random times, just for a drink or so they could jam with their guitars, Suho was forever trying to set him up with blind dates that he never showed up for and Jongin and Sehun would coordinate their schedules at least once a month and they would all sleep over at his place, played video games and ate popcorn, just like the old times.

They all tried, very hard, but the hole was there, gaping and black and painful.

“What are you talking about, Chanyeol?” Kyungsoo asked, his voice wary.

“It’s been four hundred and fifty-nine days since Ho Jung left.” Chanyeol said, fingers still flying over his keyboard.

“Are you serious?” Baekhyun sighed. “Don’t tell me you’ve got it pat down to the hours and minutes too?”

“Actually, I do-“

“Stop, just stop. Look, we need to talk about this.” Kyungsoo said, his eyes shut tight while he massaged his temples with his fingertips.

All activity in the room stopped, and Chanyeol wanted to laugh at Luhan, a half-eaten sandwich a couple of inches from his open mouth. Only he didn’t, because he had been the receiving end of Kyungsoo’s punches before and it was a true testament to never judge a man by his looks because wow, innocent looking Kyungsoo could maim you if he wanted to.

He picked up a pencil from his desk and started twirling it in his hand. The ring that matched the one that he gave Ho Jung years ago was no longer on his left ring finger, but looped around a necklace, close to his heart where no one can see, and only he could feel.

“What do we need to talk about? That was a joke. I know it’s been a while since she left, but yeah. I don’t know exactly how long.”

The lie tasted bitter in his mouth.

It had been four hundred fifty-nine days, eighteen hours and, he checked his watch, thirty-three minutes since she left.

“Chanyeol,” Luhan began, “you still have her pictures in your apartment.”

“So?”

“It’s creepy and you should get rid of them already,” Baekhyun said.

“Guys-“

“And you should probably stop listening to Say Something on repeat in your car already. Or when you’re working out. Or when you’re doing your groceries.”

“Kyungsoo, don’t you think we should talk about how you know what songs I listen to when I do those things?”

“How about because that’s one of the three thousand sad songs in your iPod and I’ve seen how many plays that has had on your iTunes?”

He wanted to break the pencil in his hands and scream at them to get out, out of his office where they always accompany him during breaks because he refused to go out and eat. That’s all he did. Work, work, work. He had insurance, he had money in the bank, he had a car for crying out loud, he could have a pet dog if he wasn’t allergic, he was perfectly fine. He wanted to scream at them to get out, but he didn’t, because they were the reason he was still sane.

Incredibly, undeniably sad, but sane.

“Ok. I’ll…get rid of stuff.”

“We can help you if you want,” Luhan offered, “After soccer this Sunday?”

Chanyeol smiled. “Thanks man.”

He dug out his cleats from his duffel bag and scanned the skies. It was a bright and sunny day, no wind at all. Luhan and Minseok would probably wet themselves with how perfect the weather was, for grown men to run around in the grass, all after a single ball.

“Hello,”

He hasn’t heard that voice in four hundred sixty-two days, sixteen hours, and give and take, twenty minutes, but he would recognize it, anywhere, anytime, even in his sleep.

Chanyeol didn’t know what to do. They just stared into each other’s eyes and he wanted to be angry, he wanted to tell her to leave, because he had already figured his life out without her, and this, this was going to just ruin everything for him again.

“Can I sit next to you?” She asked.

“Yes,”

Say something.

“I hope you don’t mind…I just. I needed to see you, I was back in town and-”

“It’s ok,” It wasn’t really, and if she could only see how he was slowly but surely unravelling inside, she would probably run as fast as a bullet to the opposite direction from where he was. “Although, I may need to go soon. Luhan and Minseok, they um, they made me…We’re playing soccer.”

Ho Jung smiled. “You look good.”

She said she was back in town and the question if she’ll stay died in Chanyeol’s throat. “You too.”

They talked about things. Mundane, stupid things.

Yes, he has a job now, and yes, he still played at Stigma, the club he frequented when they were still together. No, she wasn’t seeing anybody right now, and Chanyeol didn’t know if he wanted to jump for joy or cry in despair because of that nugget of information. Yes, his parents were doing ok, and yes they still asked about her, especially his sister. No, he hasn’t moved to a different apartment, but only because it was near his workplace. Yes, she was staying with her family, and her mother had invited him for dinner.

No, he didn’t think that was such a great idea. Yes, it’s ok with her if he declined, she understood.

It was only after the sun had gotten hotter and the field remained empty that he realized that the boys weren’t coming.

“Do you want to get some Jamba Juice?” He asked.

She smiled, and it dazzled, even brighter than the sun. “Ok. Yeah. Let’s do that.”

He ducked his head as he took off his cleats, because really, she would be running if she saw the crazy smile on his face right now.

She stayed for five weeks, spending every possible moment with him. He had the feeling that his friends and her family orchestrated everything, and they were both reluctant actors in a play that everyone wanted to see. Well, maybe she was. He felt the same about her; loved her to bits and pieces, even all the parts that hurt him and he didn’t care if he died of a broken heart when the time came for her to leave again.

The night before the dreaded day she had to leave (Chanyeol wondered if he should count from the beginning again, or just start at four hundred sixty-two days, sixteen hours), they had a farewell party at their his apartment. It was torture, to celebrate the impending death of another big part of his heart, but he did it because he wanted to show her that he was ok, that this was not killing him, not one bit.

“Give her a chance, Chanyeol,” Luhan had said to him. They were seated on the floor right next to each other, both watching the girl he built his world around on chattering away with Baekhyun and his date.

“I let you guys use my place for this damned party because we’re all friends here.” He said quietly.

Luhan sighed and looked at him. “Do you know that you probably have laughed and smiled more these past few weeks compared to the whole of last year?”

That made him stop. But he’d already been leaning too far down and one last wrong move and he’d fall over the cliff.

“Just give it a rest already. She’s leaving tomorrow. Let’s just think of this as the perfect excuse to get wasted.”

They drank, he watched her, they laughed, he pretended, she talked, he listened, and when everyone else has passed out on the couches and on the floor or gone home with their girlfriends, he led her to the bedroom that they used to share, and with a red face handed her a set of her old pajamas.

“Stay the night, I can sleep in the other room. Your flight isn’t until tomorrow the evening right?”

She just stared at him, searching his face, looking for something else. He tensed because he knew how well she can read him, and every cell in his body was screaming, begging for her to stay the night, stay forever.

“So, I’ll just, um, get my toothbrush and you can get cleaned up and get some rest,”

He made a move towards the bathroom and his breath was knocked out of him when she crashed against him, square in the chest. He wasn’t sure if he was breathless because their bodies were so close, or the fact that she was hugging him and she was crying softly, such pitiful, sad sobs that he felt his own eyes prickle. He wanted to rub her back and run his hands through her hair and he almost did, but he froze when he heard her voice, as broken as his heart.

“I never stopped thinking about you. I saw you everywhere. I kept waiting for a call that I knew would never come because I was the one who left, but I waited, I wanted you to tell me to come home,”

“Ho Jung-“

“I would have, you know, followed you to hell if you asked me to. It was a mistake to leave. I knew it the minute I said it that afternoon, and I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry if I had so much pride that I didn’t take it back,”

Say something. Anything.

But Chanyeol was too shocked to say anything, he just stood there, arms on his side as the love of his life poured out her heart to him.

“And when I saw how well you were doing without me-“

He didn’t know what possessed him, but the trembling in her voice and the way her eyes pleaded as his own tear-filled ones bored into hers overcame his senses and the next moment he felt her lips, soft and yielding against his.

“I’m sorry,” She whispered against his lips.

“Stay with me,” He whispered back.

They both knew that he wasn’t just asking her to stay the night.

He watched her the whole night, counting every rise and fall of her chest. Chanyeol held his breath whenever she would murmur in her sleep and listened to what she said, hoping to get a glimpse of what she was dreaming about.

“Ho Jung…” His voice broke but he felt bold, seeing her vulnerable in his bed like this, her fingers still clenched tightly on the front of his shirt.

He slid his arm under hers, and pulled her gently closer to him, careful not to wake her up. Her body melded perfectly against his, her head cradled in the crook of his neck.

“Ho Jung ah…I love you, do you know that?” He whispered, his fingers carding through her soft hair, “I love you, I love you…stay with me, don’t go…”

She let out a soft, shuddering breath. “I won’t…I love you…”

The déjà vu of the moment was so that his head was swimming.

A week after she left, Chanyeol was sitting in his office, staring at the view of the city.

“Has she called?” Baekyun asked.

He shook his head, and he just wanted to be alone. But he didn’t, really. He wasn’t sure at this point. Maybe this was how it was when someone started losing their mind.

Luhan cleared his throat. “I’m sure she’s just busy,”

“Too busy to even let him know that she arrived safely?” Kyungsoo said.

“Not true,” Luhan said, “her mother said she called to say that she got home safe.”

Chanyeol felt like he would throw up. So she was ok. She called her mother. But not him. This was all too much for him.

“Guys. I appreciate your concern but, can we just…stop talking about this?”

He saw his three friends share a look, and he felt like he was back to square one. There were about 600 e-mails he needed to respond to right now, and he thought that maybe he should just ask the three of them to get out so he could get started on that, before they started on a full-blown discussion about why they haven’t heard anything from Ho Jung yet.

“Ok, I need to get some work done-“

There was a knock on the door and Luhan leapt out of his seat. “Pizza’s here!”

Chanyeol groaned inwardly and started typing at his computer, determined to ignore all of them until they get the message and leave. He needed to think, or maybe he just needed the peace and quiet, or maybe he didn’t? The sound of his heart breaking over and over again has gotten louder and louder the past few days, but being surrounded by endless chatter and activity was starting to wear on him.

“Hello,”

He had stopped counting that night before she left, but it felt like an eternity since he last heard that voice. The silence seemed to stretch out indefinitely and Chanyeol’s chest felt tight. His fingers hovered over the keyboard and the number of e-mails in his inbox steadily went higher.

“I think… I think we’re gonna go,” Luhan said.

It took Baekyun a little longer to recover “Yes. Yes, we are! Kyungsoo, grab my coat, thanks. See you guys later!”

“Bye!” Kyungsoo said, his eyes impossibly wide and the smile on his heart-shaped lips even bigger.

Chanyeol just stared for he didn’t know how long, but Ho Jung, his Ho Jung was here. She looked tired, she must have gotten off from her flight straight to his office, but she was still so beautiful that he just wanted to cry.

“Hey,” He said.

“Hi,” She smiled.

He didn’t trust himself to say anything, his lips quivered and the stupid tears were making tracks down his face. He brushed them away with the back of his hand and gestured for her to come closer and they almost got knocked down to the floor when she ran to his open arms. They were sobbing and laughing at the same time Chanyeol was certain they had both gone out of their minds.

“You’re back,” He said, his voice trembling. “That was fast,”

“I’m sorry I didn’t call or anything, I wanted to surprise you but there were so many things I had to do and-“

He shushed her gently, and her hands flew to when he let go of her, took a small, rectangular, navy box and went down on his knee. The reflected light of the sun’s warm rays winked from the diamond ring nestled inside the velvet box and his hands shook a little.

“Chanyeol,” She gasped.

“Wait, it’s my turn to talk, just listen to me please,” He let out a nervous laugh when she nodded and started crying a little harder.

“Do you remember the first time we met? On that flight to Los Angeles? Do you remember how scared I was? You didn’t even know me and yet you held me, you comforted me, and I don’t know how or exactly when I started feeling this way but whenever I would remember that I knew that I would fly on a giant paper plane with you if you asked. Because I love you, more than anything in this world, I try to think about tomorrow and the day after that and all I see is you and me. I look back and I can’t even remember how my life was without you in it. Well, I guess I know how it is not to wake up next to you every morning and I’m pretty sure that was the eight circle of hades right there,”

They both laughed, and he reached up to wipe the tears that clung to her lashes.

“Lee Ho Jung. I…I’ve waited for the longest time to be able to tell you this. I mean, I wanted to do this somewhere nice, but I’ll be the biggest idiot in the world if I let you go again without telling you that I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you-“

“Yes,” She said, her voice thick with tears.

Chanyeol felt like he would faint. “Really?” He asked.

“Yes, really.”

Theirs was a journey that broke him apart and pulled him together again, it made him weak in the knees and resilient to unnecessary pain. Their journey defined him, it prepared him for the final destination. It shaped his desires, it tempered his strength.

For Chanyeol, love wasn’t just about fate and destiny anymore. It wasn’t just about red strings that led lovers to one another no matter how tangled it got with so many other people and things. It was about making decisions, choosing who you want love and protect and fight for. It was always a choice, who you wanted to keep in your life no matter how hard or uncertain things may become.

That night he would watch her sleep like, like so many other times before. He felt like his heart would burst, but now understood why his heart ached whenever he thought about how much he loved her. It was because nothing was certain in this world and he knew that their future life together would be far from perfect, and it scared him. But he had made his decision and he was sure, more than he had ever been of anything his whole life.

He had chosen her, and for him, that was more than enough.

They held each other and cried for a long, long time, but Chanyeol didn’t care and he was perfectly fine with letting the now 657 e-mails wait in his inbox.