As I have said before, the series will pretty much end soon, maybe just a couple more chapters? And I am quite surprised it only reaches 10 chapters, I am expecting more lols. Thanks for the comments, and especially some of the replies, you guys are the best awwww <333333

The sky rumbled again, accompanying the heavy pitter-patter of raindrops against Doojoon’s luxurious apartment windows. There was no sign of the rain stopping anytime soon.

Doojoon carried a soaked Yoseob to his bedroom, swiftly switching off the television in the living room, and proceeded to go into the adjoined bathroom. He slowly lowered Yoseob down so that the younger man’s feet touched the floor and when he was steady enough on his feet, Doojoon gently released the tight grasp on his neck.

Doojoon cupped Yoseob’s wet cheeks so that the younger man was looking at him now instead of the wall over Doojoon’s shoulder. “Yoseobah, we need to warm you up. You will need to shower and change your clothes, okay?”

Yoseob was still quiet and unmoving, but he nodded slightly and that was all Doojoon needed. The younger man looked distraught and Doojoon needed to know what happened and he would know what happened.

Doojoon started with Yoseob’s wet cap, slowly pushing it off Yoseob’s hair and then he went down on his knees, untying shoelaces and taking off Yoseob’s wet running shoes and socks. Then, he peeled of Yoseob’s sleeveless tee shirt, baggy pants, and boxers before carrying a Yoseob into his spacious bathtub. 

“Do you need me to wash you?” Doojoon asked as he the tap and warm water immediately filled in the tub.

Yoseob shook his head, “I can do it.” His voice was small and trembling and Doojoon almost stayed in the bathroom to help Yoseob, but he knew better. He knew that, with Yoseob, there was always a line that he could not cross, should not cross, so he hardened his jaw and nodded, leaving Yoseob alone with his thoughts.

As worried as Doojoon was with the state Yoseob was in at the moment, there was this small part of him that actually cheered, a small part of him that was actually happy, a small part of him that was actually thankful to Yoseob for coming to him. As insignificant as it might be to other people, it apparently meant a lot to Doojoon that Yoseob came to him, fragile and open for Doojoon to experience the other side of Yoseob. The honest side of Yoseob.

After some time, the water had stopped running from inside the bathroom and it was quiet again. Doojoon walked to the bathroom door and knocked twice, “Yoseobah, I have prepared clothes for you, should I pass them to you now?”

It stayed quiet for a bit, there was no answer from Yoseob, but the bathroom door clicked open, signaling that Doojoon could bring the clothes in. The older man took the clothes he had prepared on the bed – white comfortable cotton tee shirt, grey sweat pants, and a pair of white socks – and peeked into the bathroom.

Hot steam blew against Doojoon’s face as he opened the door slightly so that his face fit in the space between the door and the frame – he did not want to open the door fully because he felt like he was intruding on something delicate although it was actually his own bathroom. Yoseob’s back was facing the door, and Doojoon could very well see the defined muscles on the younger man’s body – shoulders, arms, back, butts, thighs, calves – and they turned Doojoon on for a little bit before he came back to his senses.

He placed the clothes on the countertop next to the washbasin, “The clothes are here. Dry your hair properly, we don’t want you to get sick.” Yoseob turned and Doojoon smiled gently at him before closing the bathroom door.

Doojoon went to the kitchen to fix something for Yoseob. He reheated a glass of chocolate milk and a few cookies on a plate. He was not sure if Yoseob had had dinner or if the younger man wanted dinner at all, but at least he should drink something warm. And Doojoon remembered Yoseob used to love chocolate milk when they were still in school, so maybe giving Yoseob some chocolate milk might not be a bad idea.

When he walked back into the bedroom, there was a pile of black hair on one side of his pillows. Doojoon smiled and walked to the side of the bed where Yoseob was already buried under the covers. He placed the tray – a glass of chocolate milk, a plate of cookies, another glass of water, and a few pills for cold and fever, just in case – on the bedside table and bent down to plant a light kiss on Yoseob’s forehead. At least he is not feverish, Doojoon noted.

Yoseob frowned and opened his eyes, he looked extremely tired and Doojoon wanted so badly to share Yoseob’s burden. “I’m sorry, did I wake you up?” Doojoon whispered. He pushed Yoseob’s half-dry hair away from his face.

“Nu-uh.” Yoseob shook his head.

Doojoon stared at the younger man, “You should dry your hair, if not you will get a headache. Should I do that for you?”

Yoseob shook his head again.

“Are you hungry? I have chocolate milk for you. And a few cookies.” Doojoon said.

Yoseob sat on the bed and reached out to the tray to get the glass of warm chocolate milk. He sipped on it, “It’s been a while since I had this.”

Doojoon smiled, sitting on the edge of the bed next to Yoseob. “I remember that you really liked chocolate milk in school.” He slipped his hand to wrap around Yoseob’s small shoulders and the younger man immediately melted against Doojoon’s sode, head resting on the older man’s shoulder. Doojoon let out a comfortable sigh and kept Yoseob close to him.

“Doojoonah, I’m scared.” Yoseob whispered. It was so soft that Doojoon almost missed it.

Doojoon tightened his embrace on Yoseob’s shoulders and misunderstood it as Yoseob was afraid of the rumbling thunder from the rain outside, “It’s okay, it’s just rain. It will be over soon.”

Yoseob shook his head vehemently, “No, I’m scared of falling in love with you.”

Time seemed to stop for a few seconds for Doojoon as his heart reacted quicker than his brain. Doojoon could feel a jolt on his chest – not really painful but not necessarily something comfortable – he felt uneasiness, something akin to worry and confusion at the same time.

“Why?” Doojoon frowned, “Didn’t I tell you that you were special to me? Didn’t I tell you we would be great together? Didn’t you know my heart from all the things we have done together?”

Yoseob shook his head again, “It’s not you.” He turned sideways and looked up at Doojoon earnestly, “It’s me.”

Doojoon’s frown deepened, but his grip on Yoseob’s shoulder stayed tight.

Yoseob looked down at the glass of warm chocolate milk in his hands because he could not bear to continue looking at the sincerity and love overflowing from Doojoon’s eyes. “My father. I knew he was never the best father, and I know that everybody has family issues in one way or another, but I don’t want to end up like my mother. I don’t want to end up miserable and afraid like my mother.”

Honestly, Yoseob wanted to cry, he really wanted to but it was so strange that his tear ducts did not seem to be producing tears for him right now. He wanted to sob miserably and just be done with acting all tough, but the waterworks did not seem to work at the moment.

“What happened to your parents?” Doojoon asked, softly.

There was nothing wrong with the chocolate milk, it looked really inviting and it tasted great. But Yoseob did not feel like drinking it anymore, not even a sip. “I used to have an almost perfect family, with loving parents that doted on me. We had enough to go by, we were not extremely wealthy like your family but we got by okay. And we were happy back then. Really happy.”

Yoseob took a long breath and let it out slowly, “And then father’s business went awry, he was in debt and his company went bankrupt because of one thing and another. He started to change, he started to drink a lot, he started to get angry a lot, he started to yell a lot. To me and my mother.” There was a little pause before Yoseob continued, “Then he started to hit a lot.”

“.” Doojoon cursed. Just because he did not know what to do anymore other than killing Yoseob’s father.

“And when he started to hit a lot in the coming years, realization came to me that there was no such thing as love. If my father really loved my mother, then of course he would never hit her. If my father really loved me, then of course he would never hit me. People change, and these changes are what I fear the most. I changed too – for the worst – because I did not even cry when my father died.”

There was almost relief when Doojoon knew that the evil father was long gone, “So are you telling me that I will change like your father?”

Yoseob let out a dry scoff, “People change, Doojoonah. You can tell me you love me now, but twenty years down the road, you can be hitting me straight on the face swearing profanities at me. I have seen more than enough proof of that.”

“So you close yourself away from everything.” Doojoon stated. It was not a question, it was a statement, it was a realization that dawned on Doojoon, because finally he understood.

“I can feel affection for other people, it’s not as if I was made of ice and stones.” Yoseob said, fiddling with the glass on his hands, “I love Dongwoon, I love Kikwang, I love my mother. But to fall in love with you, I need to do a lot of scarifices, I need to sacrifice my heart and feelings and give them to you completely. I always wonder what happens when my heart and feelings are no longer novel for you anymore? No longer needed because you will change eventually.”

There was a desperate sigh coming from Yoseob, “And I cannot fall out of love with you because it will be too late, because I will want you wholeheartedly, because I will want you more than anything in the world, because you will be more important than anything in the world for me. And then I will be just like my mother, scared and miserable for the rest of my life.”

Doojoon was silent, but not because he was speechless, not because he had nothing to say to Yoseob but because he wanted to understand the younger man, he wanted to know Yoseob’s deepest feelings and biggest fears. He wanted to know because he never knew, he never knew how broken Yoseob was, how insecure he was, how fragile and he was under all those pretentious acts… he never knew how beautiful Yoseob was.

“You’re beautiful.” Doojoon said as he cupped Yoseob’s face and tilted it up with his free hand. He smiled – gently, softly, lovingly – at Yoseob, “You are so beautiful and I love you. So much that it hurts when you keep insisting on being friends. There were a lot of times where I had to hold back from saying that I love you, because if I did, you would run away from me. And I did not want you to run away from me, I want to spend forever with you.”

Seeing that Yoseob was not drinking the chocolate milk anymore, Doojoon took the glass away from him and placed it back on the bedside table. Doojoon thought of reheating it later because it was not warm anymore. He kissed Yoseob on the cheek, “I cannot promise you what will happen twenty years down the road, I cannot promise you the future. But I can tell you that I have loved you since eleven years ago and I will never make you fall out of love with me after so many years of waiting, so many years of pining, so many years of dreaming to be with you.”

Doojoon took Yoseob’s hand and entwined it with his. He raised their hands up to his lips and kissed the back of Yoseob’s hand, softly and full of emotions. He shut his eyes as he felt the warmth spreading out from Yoseob’s hand to his lips, to his cheeks, to his neck, to his chest, and to his heart.

Doojoon held Yoseob’s gaze with his, searching for any resistance, searching for worry, for doubts, for fear. A silent understanding dawned between them as Doojoon promised, “I cannot promise you a lot of things but I can promise you forever.”

Yoseob knew something was wrong with him, he always knew something was wrong with him. He should have cried when he talked about his past, the scarring of his life, he should have cried when he finally let go of being a tough- and let his guard down. But he did not. He should have jumped up and down with joy when Doojoon said he loved him, he should have been elated and gave Doojoon one or two – or three – s and s when Doojoon had promised him forever. But he did not.

Yang Yoseob cried instead.

=&=

Yoseob woke up tired and disoriented. The pillow under his head was beyond comfortable and fluffy, the covers over his body was beyond soft and warm, but there was something else that was never there before. An unfamiliar but comfortable weight around his waist. Yoseob tried to open his eyes, but it felt like someone had taped them shut – maybe because he cried too much last night.

He did not remember much what happened last night after he cried his eyes out, the last thing he remembered was Doojoon arranging him to lie down on the bed with his ugly sobbing, then the older man spooning him from behind – because Yoseob said he did not want to face Doojoon with mucus running down his nose and chin – kissing his neck once in a while, a silent signal to tell Yoseob that the older man was there for him.

Yoseob had never known that sleeping together in a bed fully dressed was more intimate than any he had even experienced. He caressed Doojoon’s arm that wrapped around his waist, he could not suppress the loving smile on his face.

The older man stirred awake and groaned sleepily behind Yoseob, he tightened his embrace on Yoseob and placed a soft kiss behind Yoseob’s ear. He whispered, “Good morning. How are you feeling?”

Yoseob turned in Doojoon’s arms so that he was now facing Doojoon. He cupped Doojoon’s cheek, “I must look terrible, swollen like a blowfish… like a train just ran over my face.” Yoseob pouted, which was immediately kissed away by Doojoon. “No, you look perfect like this. Relaxed, honest, open… in my bed.”

Yoseob giggled, he was back to his 18 years old high school boy-self. Safe in Doojoon’s arms and away from harm. “I need to get to the bathroom.” He squirmed to get away from Doojoon because his bladder was full to bursting but Doojoon was a cheeky bastard when he clamped Yoseob down playfully and showered the younger man with kisses and tickles. Yoseob almost peed in his pants and he swore Doojoon would clean it up before the older man finally relented and Yoseob ran to the bathroom for a release.

Doojoon chuckled and sat up on his bed, he had never been so light before in his entire life and he was just so happy he could burst into a million little happy bubbles. The feeling was almost tangible that he could grasp it in his hands. He could hear the water running and went to the kitchen to prepare a simple breakfast for the both of them with a silly grin on his face.

=&=

“.” Yoseob swore when the tap accidentally sprayed water onto his – Doojoon’s – white tee shirt. It was supposed to be a perfect morning, but of course something should have gone wrong for Yoseob. He was now sopping wet, in addition to being swollen and crusty-eyed. He did not even want to see himself because he looked absolutely gross, and he wondered how Doojoon could kiss him on the bed just now. He quickly washed his face and brushed his teeth – there was a new toothbrush waiting for him – took off the wet tee shirt and placed it in the laundry bin. When he walked out of the adjoined bathroom, Doojoon was not in the bedroom anymore.

“Doojoonah, where are you? Can I get a new tee shirt?” Yoseob called out.

“I’m in the kitchen,” Doojoon shouted back, “You can just search on my wardrobe for a new one.”

Yoseob winced when he heard a loud bang coming from the kitchen and chuckled to himself. He could really see himself doing this with Doojoon for the rest of his life. He took the liberty of opening the wardrobe door and search for a new tee shirt.

Behind the first door were shelves full of bed sheets and towels, behind the second door were hanging rails full of shirts and pants, behind the third door were hanging rails full of suits, behind the fourth door were shelves full of folded tee shirts and casual clothes. Yoseob smiled and proceeded to take any one of those, then he noticed that on the top shelf there were neatly kept books – or maybe photo albums because they were too big to be books – and he would not be called Yang Yoseob if curiosity did not get the better half of him.

He tip-toed and grabbed a few photo albums and frowned as he opened one. There were pictures of him, lots of pictures of him, just like Ailee had said. Pictures of him in high school, and most of them were candid pictures, he did not even know that someone was taking pictures of him. On the bleachers where he usually sat while waiting for Dongwoon, in his classroom by the window, in the school canteen, during sports day, during field trip, during graduation day. Yoseob sat on the ground as he flipped open more albums, the pictures were more recent, of him sleeping, of him in the hospital, of him at the surprise party.

Yoseob really thought something was wrong with him because he did not mean to, he really did not mean to, but he choked on his sobs as tears started falling on his cheeks. He covered his mouth with his palm to stop any sobbing sound from coming out but to no avail because apparently Doojoon could hear it even from the kitchen as he rushed to the bedroom.

Doojoon’s eyes were so wide as he saw a topless Yoseob, sitting and crying on the floor with photo albums full of his pictures strewn around him. He crouched in front of Yoseob and immediately embraced the smaller man, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry… I never want to hurt you like this.”

Yoseob gripped the back of Doojoon’s shirt and cried again, just because… because he had too much feelings for Doojoon and he could do nothing but cry, “No, it’s not you… I’m just – you are perfect, you are so perfect. I’m sorry I did not mean to cry.” Yoseob sobbed. “I’m a crying mess nowadays.”

Doojoon sighed and kissed the side of Yoseob’s head to comfort him.

Yoseob wanted to say it, he wanted to say that he loved Doojoon for whatever it was worth, he wanted to scream that he loved Doojoon, he wanted to whisper that he loved Doojoon. He wanted to –

“I feel affection for you.” Yoseob said, hiccupping from his sobs as he stared at Doojoon’s honest eyes. “Like, serious affection for you.”

Doojoon frowned for a second, then his gaze softened as he stared back into Yoseob’s big teary eyes. He stood up and grabbed a random tee shirt from the shelf, helping Yoseob to put it on. Doojoon shook his head in amusement and chuckled. “I love you, too.”