When I said V was my favorite, I wasn’t saying it lightly. On days during my childhood that I couldn’t quite take the pressure of being daughter to our gang’s leader and sister to the future leader, I would run to the suburbs and play at a normal playground.

So there I would mingle, with the kids of CEO’s and politicians, playing tag and pushing other’s on swings. It was one of the places I could forget about all the bad things I saw growing up. I wasn’t the only one who did this. Except he never joined in. Always, he would sit on a bench and observe the playground chaos. But he was happy to be our observer. To V, we were his own personal TV. He laughed when someone successfully swung on the knokey bars. He waited with baited breathe when someone went down the slide and didn’t get up immediately. He cried with the child that fell and hurt her knee. Even when she couldn’t bring herself to cry because it was a sign of weakness.

I only knew him as V. He would never tell me his name, no matter how much I pushe. I didn’t know who his parents were either. They only thing I knew was V was the most gentle and understand boy i had met. I named him V because he was always throwing peace signs up, trying to look cute to make me laugh. He always succeeded in making me laugh.

ONe day, I was hesitating to go home. I was enjoying V’s sunny disposition and not too happy to find my gloomy home. V looked at me. His typical square smile was fixed on his face but his eyes were so sad. “You should go home.”

"Come with me," I begged, hands wrapped around his.

V looked like he was on the fence, caught between the refusal and my eagerness. “I don’t want to get you in trouble.”

I grinned. V wasn’t aware of my sway. “I never get into trouble.”

The boy who spent days watching other children have fun came home with me that day and never left. A swe grew up, I found out that V didn’t have a family, didn’t have a home to go to. That made me want to keep him closer to me. I still had that urge. Especially when he showed up at my door right while i was cooking dinner.

"V!" I cried out and hugged him instantly.

"I know you said we shouldn’t come by your place," he started to apologize and I hushed him.

"You know my home will always be yours. Just don’t tell me you’re here because of gang business or Jin put you up to this."

V shook his head. “No. I just wanted to see you.”

I ushered him in and made him sit on my couch. “You know, I can understand if you’re over for just a homecooked meal. Rap Mon isn’t the best cook.”

I didn’t get a response for awhile but V didn’t speak much unless he said something silly. I almost slashed him with my knife when I found him behind me and not on the couch. He was looking at me with those sad eyes of his. “Why did you leave us?”

"V…" I couldn’t meet his eyes. I had left for my own selfish reasons. HOw could I tell him that?

"Jin and Rap Mon argue over how they should deal with situations. Jin wants your way, Rapmon says its time to move on. Suga fights with everyone. Jimin and Jongkook are getting into drugs, I think. Jhope has started stealing from the gang, for his own stash. I don’t think anyone remembers I’m around half the time. Tell me why you left! It has got to be a good reason for letting us fall apart."

I stared at V for a long time. He was not speaking silly this time. I longed to fix everything. I knew I had the power to do so. But at what cost? My normal life, dashed away so a gang could prosper? “I can’t tell you. I can’t go back either.”

"Rose, please," V begged me. Now his hands were over mine. He hadn’t been able to say no to me. But we were children then and everything was a lot more simpler.

I shrugged out of his hold. “You can come see my whenever you want, just try not to be seen or go to my work.”

We ate my miniscule supper in silence. V’s smile had disappeared. The silence continued to surround as V left, while I slept and even into the next day at work. My brain wouldn’t let go V’s words and worries. Jongkook and Jimin into drugs? Jin and Rap Mon fighting? Jhope turned selfish and Suga fighting all the time? Those were not the boys I loved. That was a twisted version of them. When I left, I had thought there was enough leadership for them to survive. What the hell was my sister doing?!

"Are you okay?" Jaebum snapped me out of my reverie.

I sent him a reassuring smile, “I’m fine”

"You’re not!" he insisted, "Your forehead has had that cute wrinkle all day." Jaebum reached up to poke at my forehead then laughed in embarrassment when he realized his assumer comfort with me.

"I’ll be okay," I insisted.

But as the day wore on, the happier my coworkers were, the more stabs I felt in my heart. Yugyeom and BamBam played in the garage around me. Jackson mock fought with Jr. Mark was on his one hundredth coffee today and Jaebum pretended to steal my stapler for the day. It fell like the whole world was trying to point me in a specific direction. I didn’t want to go there though!