Seunghyun can't understand this anymore

He wanted to scream to the point where his lungs protest

It's bad

It's just bad

His worse and sweetest nightmare visited his concious

He is scattered into pieces

If Jiyong is broken

Seunghyun is long forgotten, he is beyond broken and he can't fix him self

He doesn't know what is it, what he's been doing beside filming and filming and being a perfect actor and neglecting everything beside it.

He doesn't know what is it, but it keeps eating him alive.

One day he feels so much pain because he miss Jiyong so much but he had no right anymore to contact the man of his dream, one day he is okay with no more Jiyong fills his day, one day he is smiling while sipping his black coffee, because it reminds him on how much Jiyong like to share one cup with him every morning before they are heading to work.

He sees and remembers Jiyong everywhere he goes, he just can't be honest with it, with him self.

He is afraid, of what if. If he let his guard and wall down, if he beg Jiyong to come back and forgive his relentness, What if Jiyong says no? What if Jiyong is already got a replacement? What if this and what if that. So he drowned him self in it, in doubt, in self pity, in his own darkness and blackness. But he forgot one thing, that Jiyong is having a hard time too. That to Jiyong, he is his world.

What would you do if your one and only life essence is being taken out off from you?

What would you do if the object of your love and affection, act like you are nothing to him?

What would you do if the love of your life, your best friend, your shoulder to cry on, your hero, fading him self away from your life?

What would you do when you know that you can't do anything beside wait and pray that one day he will realize and he will get back to your arms again?

That's it, Jiyong thinks.

He's been trying to be strong and okay for so long.

Whether he is not okay, et all.

He's been trying to understand that Seunghyun is busy, that he can't reply his messages, he can't answer his call, he is not there when Jiyong visited his villa. Jiyong tried to understand when this circle keeps going for days, weeks, even months.

Hell, if he wasn't tried his best.

He tried so hard, but Seunghyun is just too far away to be reach. He had enough. Jiyong had enough. Because he knew too well that work is everything to him, eventhough Jiyong was everything. No, not anymore.

Jiyong decided to pretend that it's all okay.

That this relationship, this thing he has or had with Seunghyun is just nothing.

Because Seunghyun treated him like he was just nothing.

Maybe because Jiyong himself is nothing.

That's it. He found it now.

He is nothing.

He is not beautiful to him anymore nor lovely.

He is just a mess of never ending, a ed up rich kid who think that love is important, a ed up kids with hard life circle and a not so happy childhood trying to make a better place, by showing so much love to the people around him. To his parents, his sister, his family, his fans, his band members, and his Seunghyun. Damn, he wants to give and shows that to Seunghyun. To make that person understand that he cares for him. To make that person understand that he loves him so dearly.

But Jiyong realize that maybe love is just an ecstasy. That makes you happy for a while and crush you down into pieces and then you'll all bare and die.

So he wrote it all down. He already got a quite thick journal full of despair and words of life and love experience. Some pages will talk about how he feel when love is a beautiful grace, some pages about love is a pain love is nothing but a pain, some pages about rejection and some pages about misunderstanding. But he knew all to well that he wrote about Seunghyun, about his love for that man, about their love.

Jiyong is tired and he knew that probably Seunghyun is tired too, tired of life, tired of work, and tired of Jiyong. So he accepted and embraced it, no more self pity, he accepted it all, that he is nothing to Seunghyun anymore. He is not even worth explanation nor sorry nor tears, he is just nothing. Seunghyun doesn't even bother to break up with him. He's just putting Jiyong in this whole confusing thing, that makes him surrounded by never ending questions and no answear at all. He let Jiyong feel it. He doesn't bother to explain things. Jiyong is not even worth an explanation.

Jiyong had had enough. So he pretends that he is okay, that he is happy and easy going. He go out a lot and when he didn't, he cried and drunked him self to sleep. One sip, two sip, one glass, two glass, one bottle, two bottle. Beer, vodka, soju, red wine, pinot noir, whatever. He is lucky that he is not drunk enough to drink cough syrup or even pesticide, just to brush the numbness away. So he can feels something, so he can feels the pain that lingers and eats him alive.

One day he eats too much, one day he sleeps too much

and he can't counted anymore of how many days he spent staring to the window of his home, "their home", staring into nothing. He stayed there, on the bed, on the floor, standing, sitting, laying. He looked towards the window, but he sees nothing. Nothing but the memories of Seunghyun. Someday he sees white, all too bright. Someday he sees black, and he collapsed.

Doctor said it's because he hasn't been eating well. Damn it's been days that he isn't eating, nuts and wine can't be included as foods, right. And when the doctor tried to give him klonopin (for he's been fidgeting and nervous and having panic attacks for months now) and aso xanax (he knew the doctor knew that he's been drifting off and his eyes has no life anymore, he played dead, he is a body without soul). He said no, because he is going to be okay he promised him self, with or without drugs, with or without Seunghyun.

As long as he tries to be happy

As long as he keeps making album and doing promotion

As long as he keeps writing and working

He is going to be okay

He is okay

It works Jiyong thought, he is not sleepy anymore.

He can dragged him self out off his bed now.

He is eating normal and he loves it.

He is back.

The dragon is back.

He promised his mom to not drinking anymore.

One sip or two won't hurt, but he is trying so hard to keep his promise.

Everything starts to change.

He is quite happy, he visited his family quite often now.

He is not thinking about Seunghyun, not that often anymore.

He stays focused to album and writing and have fun and meeting people and work, work, work.

Until the party happened.

Until he met him again.

Until he feels the hug that he's been wanting to feels.

He doesn't know how many hours he's been wailing and crying until he falls asleep on the couch at the living room of their dorm.

He doesn't know that he mumbles .

He is drunk after all.

He doesn't know that he is by him self.

He doesn't know that Seunghyun is there right near him.

He doesn't know that Seunghyun hugged him self and tried to make him stop crying.

But he feels it.

He feels different. It feels like Seunghyun is there.

This is a dream, Jiyong thought.

He almost can touch Seunghyun's palms.

He almost can see it.

He tried to be brave this time. He tried to open his eyes, eventhough that he is afraid of disappointment. It's so often that this kind of dream came to him and when he woke up there was nothing but him and only him. No Seunghyun. Nothing.

He open his eyes and blink a few times.

The light is too white.

He raises him self, he wants to wash his face and do the work. Composing and try making music.

He was about to move away but he feels it.

He touched it.

He knew this hand.

He knew these fingers.

He knew this scar.

It's Seunghyun.

And he heard it,

"You didn't do anything wrong"

"Jiyong, I'm here now, I'm here for you."

"You were important to me, and you still are."

"I'm so sorry."

Jiyong thinks that he is crazy, he thinks that the universe is playing trick on him.

The dream is so cruel, because it feel so real.

Jiyong heard Seunghyun is apologizing to him.

Jiyong saw Seunghyun crying.

Seunghyun tried his best not to screw this.

He wanted this man back. He can't take the pain anymore, it's too unbearable.

He needs this man to ease the pain, he needs this man to fill his blackness.

He needs Jiyong.

"Seunghyun?"

"Yes, it's me, Ji. It's me."

"Why are you here? Why are you crying? Don't cry, please, stop, okay. Stop crying, please."

Jiyong pleaded, but Seunghyun cried harder. He hugs Jiyong so hard, he doesn't want to let go this time, he won't let go. And when Jiyong hugs him back and caressed his shoulder, he knew that he is forgotten. He knew that he comes back now. Seunghyun who loves Jiyong so dearly is back. He belonged to this man. He belonged to Jiyong.

"I won't promised you that it's gonna be easy, but it's gonna be worth it. Because it is worth it. You are worth, Jiyong. You are important to me, and I want you to know that I can't live without you, as much as how cheesy it sounds but believe me I tried. I cannot tell you how much you mean to me, how much I miss you, how much I want to show you that you deserve everything in this world that I want to give you, on how much I love you. I can't belive it, that I, I let you feel that you are nothing to me when you are my everything."

"But I screwed up, Jiyong. I knew this time, I screwed up really bad. I don't even know what and why I did that. I just thought that my life was hard, life was hard, work was hard. And I found my self, ignoring you and then you fading away from me. And I let you. I let it happened. It's my biggest regret and I can't forgive my self for putting you in that situation, I just. I don't know. I'm sorry. I ed up."

Seunghyun is sobbing.

Seunghyun is a mess.

Well I am a mess too, Jiyong thinks.

He hugs Seunghyun back.

He kiss Seunghyun's forehead.

He doesn't say anything.

He holds his hands and interlaces their hands together.

He knew what to say now.

"It's okay, Seunghyun. It's okay now. You're back."

"You are worth the wait."

He was about to blurt it out...

"Have you fallen out of love with me, Ji?"

Jiyong wanted to punch his beautiful face so bad.

Or kiss his cute lips so hard to make him understand, that he is loved.

"Seunghyun, you talked too much."

"I just want you to know that I'm staying, no matter what happen, no matter where you go, where you fly away, where you hide, I'm here. I'll always be here for you, always. I'll always love you. I hope you understand that. Thank you for coming back. It must be hard for you, so. Thank you. It's okay now. It's alright."

"I got you, and you got me. We are alright."

"We will always have each other backs."

"Stop crying or I will destroy your designer suits or toys."

Seunghyun laughed.

He's so damn beautiful.

Jiyong laughed too.

"I'm gonna make it up to you, okay Ji. We'll eat and eat tomorrow. We'll have ice cream, and pizza. And or I'll cook for you. Okay. Just wait until the sun comes."

"Okay."

Jiyong kissed his forehead again.

Seunghyun kissed his cheeks in return.

Seunghyun stops crying, though.

Jiyong sees his dimples that he's been missed so bad.

They hugged each other and engulfed by sleep.

No nightmare for Jiyong in his sleep.

And no more sleeping pills for Seunghyun.

No more blackness and numbness,

No more tears, no more cry.

Because Seunghyun is here with Jiyong.

Seunghyun is back.

Back to the man who was always be there for him from the very start.

Back to the man who loves him.

Back to the man who supports him trough the ups and downs.

He is back to Jiyong.

He is back to his personal anchor.

FIN.

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THANK YOU SO MUCH.

And I can't thank you enough. 

Sorry for the delay, if you've been wanting to know how this will ends or continue.

Sorry for the mistake etc etc.

I hope when you read it, you like the ending and enjoy the pain as much as I enjoyed it my self.