HERE YOU GO.

I don't think I can stop writing though because my mind can't help but giving me ideas.

Thank you for the subs. I really appreciate it.

And I'd love to see feedback. 

Please. :)

Thank you.

Sorry before for the wrong spelling/grammar.

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Everything has come to a repetition of disappointment.

The waiting for dinner, the waiting for breakfast.

The waiting for Seunghyun to come back home.

The waiting for Seunghyun to care.

And Jiyong is too tired of it.

Fed up.

Of Seunghyun - not picking up his calls

Of Seunghyun - not texting back

Of Seunghyun - went MIA again because of his new movie

Of eating breakfast alone before work

Of their shared wardrobe

Of the paintings on the walls

and

Of Seunghyun.

He shade a tear while eating their fav corn flakes, one morning.

He stared at the other 3 chairs, and find - the dust.

Empty places.

Empty glassess.

Empty tea pot, because Jiyong has stopped brewing matcha, because it reminds him of Seunghyun.

Everything he does, reminds him of that person.

Everything.

Seunghyun used to sit next to him during breakfast.

Seunghyun used to make the breakfast.

Jiyong want to stop eating breakfast.

Seunghyun used to wake him up in the morning by hugs and bad jokes such as "If you're not gonna wake up in seconds, I'm going to pee on the bed. I swear." or his sweet side like "breakfast is ready my dear" or so his unique way of saying I love you(s) by sending Jiyong, their fav flowers, lilies.

Jiyong had a thing for burgundy , just like how Seunghyun had a thing for mint. 

Lilies in burgundy is happiness, Jiyong said one day during their walk-home at September night.

And Seunghyun remember.

Seunghyun used to give him those burgundy lilies before dinner, when he came home late, or when he's just want to make sure that Jiyong understand that he is worth it, that he is loved.

Jiyong misses that. 

Jiyong misses burgundy.

Jiyong misses breakfast.

Jiyong misses Seunghyun.

So bad it hurts his chest.

Jiyong has no idea how long it is - this thing going on.

He doesn't know either what happened, why, how this happened.

But he realize one thing,

The distance between them is getting too far, he can't reach that anymore, because he's too tired to try, he lost the faith, he's tired of what-if(s), he's tired of Seunghyun didn't give a about him.

He's preparing and writing for BIGBANG's album, and this isn't helping at all.

Youngbae said Seunghyun shuts everyone out just like how he always did when he's filming.

Youngbae said he doesn't need to work on that - that much.

Youngbae said he is exaggerating, because Seunghyun didn't answer everyone's call too, so that's okay.

But Youngbae doesn't understand.

That Jiyong has stucked in this thing.

He can't quite name it. He has no idea at all.

Unrequited love? He's not sure. Seunghyun used to kiss his forhead every morning, Jiyong still remember how warm Seunghyun's hug was. Jiyong still remember the way Seunghyun held his hand when they're alone. Jiyong still can smell Seunghyun's Dior Homme someday when he's so tired, when he drinks too much beer, or when he cried him self on the sofa.

Jiyong know really well that he will sink in this black hole, sooner or later.

He made sure that no body knows about this. He want to protect him self by fake smiles and happy go lucky, by going to parties and fashion weeks, by shopping, by chatting and going out with his friends. But when he's alone whether it's at the studio or at home, their apartment. 

Jiyong feels everything.

It comes to him and it drives him crazy.

Just like cupid with his arrow but this time it's not cupid, it's something else.

Jiyong is nothing but his darkness.

Jiyong is nothing but breakdowns.

Jiyong is nothing but late-night-pissing-him-self-and-crying-in-front-off-the-television

Jiyong has falling into pieces. Brokenhearted.

It took him 4 months to realize this.

That he's been the only one, trying to save their relationship.

Seunghyun has stopped coming home on new year's eve.

Seunghyun has stopped calling him by January. When he started filming.

Seunghyun has stopped texting him first.

Seunghyun stopped telling him how his day was.

Seunghyun stopped giving the effort.

Maybe Seunghyun has found somebody who is more amazing?

Maybe Seunghyun think Jiyong is nothing.

Maybe Seunghyun think ignoring Jiyong and run from this that happening between them is the best thing, rather than talking about it.

Because, maybe Jiyong is nothing.

Because, maybe Jiyong doesn't worth the time of his attention anymore.

Jiyong was meant the world to Seunghyun.

Seunghyun means the world to Jiyong.

And still is.

Jiyong is still and will always be wondering.

Jiyong is left with nothing but one huge question mark.

What happened to Seunghyun?

Why the filming has something to do with relationship?

Because Seunghyun used to and always lost in his filming that he forgot his world, his band, his familly. 

But he was always come home at least every once in a while.

Two weeks or every month to check up on Jiyong.

To say sorry. And to make things up.

And Jiyong is now left with memories.

He used to do everything with Seunghyun.

And now he's alone.

It's getting harder each day.

It's like he's drowning in an ocean that has no end.

It's like he's suffocated but he still can floating around the water.

Seunghyun.

Seunghyun.

Seunghyun.

Jiyong try his best to forget and focus on his projects and solo activities.

He takes so many photoshoots, magazine feature, interview, concerts, guest star, cfs, and everything all at once, as much as possible.

So that it will helps shut down his brain and his heart.

4 months.

Jiyong had fun with Seungri and Youngbae during their fan meetings.

Sometimes Daesung joint them too, and they had so much fun.

Jiyong is happy to see that their fans are happy.

Jiyong is happy because s were there.

Jiyong is happy in Japan.

But when he got back to home.

He goes straight to the point 0.

He feels that again.

The blackness.

So he calls and meet up with Seungri.

He hope Seungri understands.

He hope Seungri will offer help.

He hope Seungri will be there for him.

And he does.

Seungri cares for Jiyong.

For Seungri, Jiyong is his hero.

For Seungri, Jiyong is his mentor.

For Seungri, Jiyong is his leader.

Seungri care and didn't judge him.

Seungri is happiness.

Not the way, happiness named Seunghyun made Jiyong fell.

But Seungri helps ease the pain.

Seungri is a good listener.

Seungri is not good in suggestion.

Instead of advises, Seungri hugs Jiyong.

On stage.

At the studio.

At the bar.

Seungri was there and is still there for him.

Seungri is happiness.

Seungri might be a distraction but he doesn't mind getting distracted.

Everything is fine.

At least Jiyong is not really sad anymore.

Because he's got a friend in Seungri.

Seungri said "I'll be here for you, just call me when you are inneed."

But life is a roller coaster right?

It's gonna come to a downhill again.

Jiyong finished his showcase successfully.

He wore blue, a really bright blue.

Because eventhough he's been feeling blue, life goes on.

He smiled and talked a lot.

He perfomed and sang.

As usual.

He's always the happiest on stage.

He's still happy when he's meeting up with the boys.

Seunghyun is not there at the club of course.

Dom Perignon is there. 

Seungri, Youngbae, Daesung are present.

Some YG artists and his model friends also coming, because this is friday night.

Everyone hang around.

Everyone need to loosen up.

Jiyong is having fun.

Jiyong drank a lot.

Jiyong thinks that he's floating in the air because he feel the happiness.

But suddenly,

Daesung said

"Hyung is graduating", "We're gonna come. Or We are gonna make him come to face us."

And they are gonna make a surprise party for him.

Daesung told him the plan.

And he can't concentrate.

All he can hears is his heart beating in a mad speed.

He's afraid.

He doesn't want to see Seunghyun.

He's fed up of the sadness that always begin with Seunghyun.

And Jiyong is

once again,

falling.