I've been neglecting this and now I'm trying again

and it's almost 3 am

I don't know where is this going anymore

-------

Seunghyun is being missed so badly.

And

Jiyong is tting him self off.

He is surrendering again to this complicated things.

He hugs Seunghyun because this person is his friend since decades ago, his best friend before Youngbae, his hero, his inspiration, his love.

Seunghyun hugs him  them back.

Jiyong sure if this is being showed to the fans, they absolutely will cry because this is a family bond thing.

It's not complete

if food is not joining them, because BIGBANG loves foods, especially Seunghyun.

Jiyong got the bbq.

Jiyong got the sake.

Seunghyun orders noodle and kimchi and another stew.

Jiyong doesn't care.

Food is here

Alchohol is here

Seunghyun doesn't matters

His heartbreak doesn't matters

The pain doesn't matters

It's nice to have chit chat with the band after awhile

He can't believe that it actually happening

that him and Seunghyun talked like nothing happened

like there is and there was nothing happens between them, ever

They updated each other about solo and personal projects.

Youngbae with his solo album.

Seungri with his very first korean drama.

Daesung with another japan tour.

Seunghyun with new movie.

But

Jiyong

left

with

nothing.

And is doing nothing.

It hits him again, and drowning him to the blue.

He isn't doing anything beside damaging him self because of the pain that named Seunghyun.

He isn't doing anything beside..He doesn't even remember what he is doing these days.

All he remember was scribbled on his journal, paper flies all over the floor, broken rhythm playing in the speaker. He almost want to put down those [email protected] and kick it away from the studio, because it reminds him so much of Seunghyun.

So Jiyong replaced this by saying that I'm working on a collab with Skrillex and CL, still thinking to work with another foreign artists. "I'm going to have fun, as usual. I'm planning to go to Coachella. And the most important thing, of course I start composing our another full album." Jiyong said.

s are happy.

Seungri hugs him, again.

"Thank you hyung, I miss singing with you guys so much, I miss the fans too."

"I miss BIGBANG too, Seungri."

And just like Seungri, he is happy too.

He miss this thing, making music, writing, and feeling. And turning all of the pain into hit songs.

After the talk, they realized it's almost 3 am.

So they are all separate their ways to each homes.

Jiyong is smiling and waving at them.

They are agreed to meet in the studio in the next 2 weeks.

Jiyong promised them to have some material ready to be discussed. The major theme is about falling in love as usual. But he knew as well this album would be different. He just had a feeling about that. Though he is not sure whether there would be another "lies" or "window" or "without you" or "blue" or even "black". This album is a haru haru after all, Jiyong thinks. He almost wanted to make this into a whole love is painful dedication. But people will think he is crazy.

He heads to the dorm.

No  body lives there anymore, since they are all doing solo activities (again).

He decided to go to this place.

Because one, he is not a robot withour feelings.

He just met up with the object of his very deep unrequited love or whatever it may be, and he knew very well that he can't go back to the home where he's been living with the source of problem.

two, he isn't going to be at yg building either because too many voices, too many noises, too many people. 2NE1's comeback is on the go. His juniors are on training too, those juniors boyband that supposed to "replace" BIGBANG when they are filling their duties to the country. And another band, duo, dancers, a lot of trainees - Jiyong doesn't care.

So

He decided to close it all.

He needs time alone.

For him self.

To pity him self that once again, Seunghyun won.

Once again, he is all alone, buried in self pity.

Once again, just like some nights he's going to write while tears flipping on his cheeks.

Jiyong planned to sleep first, so he headed to the sofa and land there. Forgetting everything for awhile, pretending that he is alright, for the sake of sleeping. For the sake of waking up fresh, for the sake of another album.

"Think for the fans"

"Do this for the fans"

"Do this for your self and for the fans"

"You are a dragon, remember"

He keeps telling him self,

because he knew at one point when he stopped and pressed a buttton.

He will breaks into sob and wail.

Seunghyun forgot where he is heading to.

Seunghyun forgot why he is doing this.

All he knew is that his heart, his brain, his very cells telling him to do this.

So he let his feet drags him somewhere he knew very well.

Somewhere he missed so much.

Somewhere he longed for.

The dorm.

He knew Jiyong would spend his days and nights at the studio, of course.

He thought for a brief moment, he should've gone to their home.

But it's not home anymore.

He wouldn't be welcomed after all the things that he did and he did not did.

After all the things that he said and the things that left unsaid between Jiyong.

His jiyong.

(was)

"My villa is so far from Seoul so.."

Seunghyun tried to reasoning him self. That he is not crazy, over the fact that he almost reach their dorm, BIGBANG's shared dorm. If the others asked, he would says "I miss you guys, i just miss you and I want to sleep there, and it was too late to go back to my very far villa."

They will understand and laugh at his cheesy words of course.

And they would also say "We miss you too, hyung."

But little did he know

that

the universe gave him a surprise in the middle of the night or almost morning

the moment he tapped the card to the reception machine and open the door

He saw him.

He saw his sweetest nightmare.

Not because he hates Jiyong, he loves Jiyong

He is just confused with him self, with their relationship, and he is tired with its difficulties

But heart is weak

He walked to the sofa as soon as he sees him curling alone like a fragile pieces of glass

He brings a blanket from one of the room and place it around Jiyong's body

He smiles while watching Jiyong breathes 

He smiles because Jiyong used to have nightmare when he is sleeping alone and he seems that okay with it

Jiyong finally free from the nightmare without me, he thought.

He doesn't know what to do

He supposed to be alone

He was going to sleep and rest

Not to share the place for another person

especially it's Jiyong

This would be so complicated

Jiyong shrugs suddenly in his sleep

He is crying in silence

Seunghyun watchs Jiyong clutching his own chest.

Seunghyun watchs Jiyong trembling.

Seunghyun hears Jiyong murmurs something.

So he closed the distance. 

He kneeled near the sofa.

He is about to help Jiyong to calm down by touching his back

and then he hears it

Jiyong's words that cut him into pieces

"Seunghyun, what did I do wrong?"

"I know I don't deserve you. We shouldn't been together didn't we?"

"I'm so sorry"

Seunghyun can't hold it anymore.

Tears falling from his eyes.

His chest is in total pain.

It hurts so bad. 

He finally understands, this is how Jiyong feels after all this time.

He finally understands, that he is Jiyong's nightmare. 

He finally understands, how ed up he really is.

And 

If Jiyong wanted him to beg, he will, he will beg as long as he is back to his arms.

As long as he get Jiyong back.

Like it used to be.

Like it supposed to be.