[I Just Can't]

Nam Taehyun was just asked, or more like, ‘instructed’, to be Song Mino’s tutor.

The boy had no choice and as much as he wanted to refuse- he couldn’t. Not when the principal was giving him a stern look, as he mentioned the words “your mother”, “want”, “for you”. 

How could he then say no? His mother had already given her consent.

He didn’t want to disappoint her. He didn’t want to make her feel sad. He didn’t want to make her cry; no, not anymore. Not him. Not like what his father did.

Taehyun nodded in approval, gaze not directed at anyone in particular, but he could sense the look of bewilderment in the eyes of the boy sitting next to him. The tanned kid wasn’t really one who tried to mask his thoughts; Taehyun scoffed in his mind but he knew that the small smile that crept to his lips gave in the subtlety he was aiming at.

Song Mino tries to catch up to him as they headed outside the principal’s office. First, there was shock- when the older kid reached for the younger’s pale hands and their skin made contact. Second, there was awkwardness- when Taehyun gave him a confused look and the boy realised what he just did. Third, there was vague feeling of emptiness when they broke the contact and this was something both of them couldn’t understand. 

With eyes trying to avoid the gaze of the other, Mino grazes his fingers through his hair, trying to sort out his thoughts and breaks the awkward silence by asking, “Is it okay?”

Taehyun looked at the other boy- his face, down to his neck, were in a bright shade of pink and for a moment he was amazed on how good it looked against the boy’s sun-kissed complexion. He must be sick; Taehyun’s droopy eyebrows arched lower at the thought.

“It’s fine.” The boy with the middle-parted hair gives a meek smile. He was surprised at himself for being nice but maybe this was due to Song Mino looking like he felt sick. 

“What? Nam Taehyun’s going to be your tutor?” Seungyoon gapes at his friend, obviously trying to act out his shock, as the two of them were walking in the streets, cheap tetra-packed lemonades  in hand. 

Mino takes a sip from his drink and his face cringes to the taste. “Don’t buy from that juice stand ever again. This is gross.”

“Hey, stop avoiding the question. What happened?” Seungyoon steals the tetra pack from his friend and consumes the whole drink in hasty sips. 

Mino scowls at this and gives Seungyoon a light push in the shoulders as the other mutters “you said you didn’t like it” under his breath. 

“I didn’t expect him to say yes.” Mino begins as his friend looks at him, eyes filled with curiosity. “It was the principal’s idea.”

Seungyoon lets out a chuckle and Mino swore that he could hear some sort of mockery in the tone of his friend’s laugh. “Wow, your case must be serious then! Even the principal had to step in.” 

“Are you even trying to help!” Mino judders at him. He wanted to be annoyed at Seungyoon for looking like he took pleasure in Mino’s miseries but he was so frustrated about his current predicament that he just couldn’t be annoyed anymore. 

Seungyoon stops with the teasing when he realises that Mino was serious. He looked at his friend and it was clear as day that the whole thing was making him anxious. Mino didn’t usually act like this. He was easy going (maybe too easy-going for his own good) and he didn’t like thinking about complicated stuff. Whenever his friend had problems, he would just laugh about it, trying to shove the thought away and move on. But right now, Mino had this big frown on his face- he looked so vulnerable and so open and it wasn’t like him. In the back of his head, he knew the reason why. 

But he wouldn’t dare say it. He wants Mino to realise it himself.

“What’s the problem then?” All he knows is that Mino must first, understand.

It was apparent in his face that he looked appalled at Seungyoon’s sudden question. Mino didn’t understand himself too. What was his problem then?

Seungyoon waited for a response, but there was nothing. “You were desperately clinging on to me as your tutor. What’s the problem if it’s Nam Taehyun?” He makes sure to give emphasis on the last few syllables when he notices the subtle shift in his friend’s pace at the mention of the name. 

“He’s not like those typical nerds that you hate so why don’t you try talking to him about the deal you offered me?” He pauses, waiting for a reaction and then continues. “Tell him that you guys can just pretend to be studying together.”

Mino is in deep thought as Seungyoon waits for his response. 

I don’t know, Yoon, was the only thing that Mino could say. Because really, he didn’t know why. It was all too easy and there wasn’t even a problem to begin with. He could just tell the kid that he didn’t want to study when he could just be sleeping, that he didn’t want to spend his afternoons stuck in the library when he could be hanging out with his friends or that he didn’t want to bury himself in a pile of books when he could be composing music. He thinks that Nam Taehyun wouldn’t mind either. 

But was it really because of that? 

Or was it because, deep inside, he wanted all of this a little too much?  Deep inside, he felt a little too happy when the gawky boy said a hushed “yes” to the principal’s request. Deep inside, his heart was beating a little too fast when the the middle-parted boy smiled at him and told him that it was fine- that it was fine being with him. Deep inside, he was a little too eager to spend all of his afternoons with the boy; it may all be in painful awkwardness or forced small talks but for him, even these things felt a little too good.  

Deep inside, he was feeling a little too much and this scared him. Because he knew that these feelings are not supposed to be, that they were all just, a little too wrong. 

“Hey.”

Song Mino knew perfectly well who that voice belonged to. He takes a moment to compose himself before he looks up. Then he flashes the boy a big grin. It was all too fake. 

“Let’s go!” 

Mino came to a conclusion. And it was all rather too easy. He just has to control these unwanted, unneeded feelings and keep them locked in. They could be friends, and that’s okay. 

No one needs to know that there’s something more. No one has to know. And he can do it. Of course he could. He should. 

They were seated at an obscure corner in the library, a spot where all the thick, outdated journals  that the students never seemed to need or bother to read, were placed. Nam Taehyun pretended to be reading something from a book that he barely remembers he had as he asks himself, why was he doing this? 

It was weird, spending an afternoon with someone other than his mother- or his self. It was weird how he was actually trying to think of something to say, or how to get their lessons started. It was weird, how he was in fact, worried and wanted to ask the boy if he was okay because he looked sick yesterday. It was weird, everything felt weird, because these were all new to him.

“So…. where do we start?” Mino spoke out of nowhere, putting a halt to Taehyun’s reverie. He had a grin plastered to his face and for some reason, it didn’t look right.

“Where do you want to start?” Taehyun asks back. He then feels that the question wasn’t enough so he adds, “I mean, what’s your weakest subject?”

Mino chuckles to himself and it sounded like tones from a bass violin in Taehyun’s ears. “I don’t even know. I at everything.” 

Scarlet, Song Mino’s face was slowly turning into a faint shade of scarlet; Taehyun notices. And so he asks, “Are you still sick?” 

The older boy looked about him in puzzlement. Sick? When did I even have a fever?

“What do you mean sick? I’m all good!” Song Mino forces a laugh because he’s confused. Nam Taehyun confuses him so much and the only thing he can do is laugh about it.

The boy with the middle-parted hair stands up from his seat, leans in, back arching towards the older kid and then he presses his palms on the other’s cheeks. Mino is taken aback by the sudden actions of the odd boy that was Nam Taehyun, but his mind was in a state of shock to function. So he was just there, literally frozen to his seat.

“Your temperature is normal. But you still look flustered. Are you really okay?” Mino could hardly understand or even hear Taehyun’s voice because he was just too close. Their faces were just a few inches apart and and this was just something way out of his control.

No, he didn’t want this. He shouldn’t want this.

He jostles back to break away from the other boy’s touch but ends up tripping from his seat, with his rear falling flat on the floor. Mino lets out a yelp of pain as he gets up, his hands tending to the bump on his head.

He didn’t know if the fall caused some serious damage to his brain because he's starting to have some serious delusions when he hears someone laughing. He looked up and was shocked to see that it was coming from Nam Taehyun.

Song Mino didn’t expect this kind of reaction. Why was the kid laughing? And why did his laugh sound so pleasant to the ears? For Mino, Taehyun’s laugh was all about his small bunny teeth, pink gums, droopier eyebrows and how his eyes looked like little crescent moons that fit right into his beautiful face. 

“Hey, are you supposed to laugh when someone’s hurt?” Mino tries to suppress it, to not give in, but he couldn’t help it. He smiles, and this time, it’s a real one.

They ended up studying Trigonometry first since Taehyun reasoned out that it would help if Mino understands the math behind before they could go discuss Physics. Mino doesn’t get his tutor’s point but agrees. 

The atmosphere is less awkward from before- the two of them making small talks every now and then. Mino would try to ask Taehyun about the music he makes while he answers some problems prepared for him but Taehyun would just shut him up and tell him to concentrate on your work. 

When Mino gets a few numbers right, Taehyun starts to open up and begins to talk without Mino even asking. He tells Mino about an artist named Jean-Michel Basquiat, and how a simple quote from him that says: “Believe it or not, I can actually draw.”; inspired him to make his own tracks.

“Making music made me feel that I was actually capable of doing something.” Taehyun mutters sluggishly, not sure if it was something he really wanted to tell the other boy but he felt the need to say it nonetheless. 

Mino raises his head from the worksheet that he was working on and looks at Taehyun; he looks at him for real without the unease and hesitation he always had whenever his eyes gazed on the other boy. 

“You are capable of something. You don’t need anything to make you feel that way.”

He doesn’t know what got into him or what gave him the courage to say those words so he hastily looks down and goes back to answering his worksheet. He starts writing, or more like, scribbling random doodles on his paper because he suddenly forgets his math again. 

Nam Taehyun could feel his face heating up and he didn’t know why. He turned his gaze towards the window and looked at the sunset. It was beautiful but it did nothing to calm the wild beating in his chest. He thinks that he’s starting to get sick too.

The first few afternoons spent together were a mix of awkwardness, small talks and Mino having a hard time understanding his lessons. But as time went by, the unease diminished and there was also less serious studying, but more trivial conversations.  

One day, the two were studying about magnets- its north and south poles and its force. They eventually got bored with it and they end up talking about Mino’s mother and how she loved to meddle on everything her son does. Mino told Taehyun about a time when his mother violently attacked one of his teachers because he called her son dumb.

“My mom showed him my number one in ‘Poem Writing’ medal to prove her point. It was so embarrassing I wanted to bury myself alive.” 

Taehyun laughs at Mino’s story but something sad, like some sort of longing (or even envy perhaps), was visible in his eyes. He utters in a muffled voice, “I wish my mother was like that too.”

“Is there a problem with your mom?” Mino asks, hoping that he wasn’t prying on too much.

Taehyun looks at him for a moment, as if contemplating on whether he’s supposed to answer or not, and then starts by saying, 

“My father left us when I was 12.”

Days after that, they study about trigonometric ratios- the hypotenuse, the opposite and the adjacent. Mino swore that this was his most hated lesson so they end up ditching the stupid triangles and then played a game of random sketches instead. The rules were simple- they just have to draw a person or a scenario and the other must guess what it is to earn a point.

“I think this game is unfair. If you didn’t know, I’m actually an artist.” Mino brags as he sharpens one his pencils.

Taehyun smirks and reaches for some scratch papers inside his bag. “Well, I don’t think I’m bad at art myself.” 

Both were surprised at each other’s drawing skills. Mino was better in doing quick sketches but Taehyun was not at all that bad. Mino even thought that the kid’s drawing style was unique, something that was pretty much like Taehyun himself.

“Is that the cashier guy from the music store?” Taehyun says as he continues to study Mino’s drawing. 

Mino looks at him in surprise. “Wow, am I really that good? How were you able to guess that?” 

Taehyun avoids the other boy’s gaze and says, “I just do.” Mino could see that there was a slight blush covering the pale boy’s cheeks. He could feel a subtle ache somewhere in his chest so he ended up asking,

“Do you like him?”

It was obvious on how Taehyun’s mouth remained open, how his eyes grew slightly bigger, and his eyebrows droopier that he was taken aback by Mino’s question. He let out a what?, falteringly as he continued in a slight stutter. “Why would I like boys?”

And that made Mino’s chest ache even more. 

Mino would always tell himself that he had things under his control. He would always chant those same old phrases to himself, every night after an afternoon spent with the odd boy, that he will never give in, that he will never fall deeper than he already is. 

He was walking on a thin line- a thin line that was called friendship, and he was so afraid.

Afraid for it to be broken.

As the two spend more and more afternoons together, Nam Taehyun was also gradually changing. He was becoming more open to people- having small conversations here and there with a seat mate, even starting to get more into class discussions (with the teacher’s persistence, that is) and even sharing a few jokes or two with Seunghoon and Seungyoon. All of these, of course, didn’t escape Mino’s observations and he felt happy for the kid with the middle-parted hair because he was slowly starting to let people enter into his world.

But he also felt sad. Because it was just him before. 

It was only to him that Taehyun smiled like that. It was only to him that he would laugh out like that. It was only to him that he would have animated conversations like that. In the past, it was just him inside Taehyun’s world.

But now, there were already so many of them.

He felt bad for having all these selfish thoughts. He felt bad for wanting Taehyun all to himself. He felt bad because he was having all these sentiments a friend shouldn’t have.

Mino thinks he’s doing a good job at hiding his feelings, at controlling his emotions and at protecting their friendship.

Mino thinks he’s doing an excellent job in fact.

But one afternoon, as they were seated at their usual spot at the library, Mino with his headphones on, listening to a new track that Taehyun had composed and letting himself drown at the wonderful mixture of beats and tunes- Taehyun gives him a light tap on the shoulder.

Mino opens his eyes and removes his headphones.

“A girl confessed to me a while ago.” Taehyun says, nonchalantly, like it was nothing. 

His chest ached. But it was okay. “Really? So what did you say?” Mino had this goofy grin on his face but there was a faint stumble at the last few syllables that showed his anxiety. Taehyun didn’t notice this. 

“I said yes.”

Again, his chest was aching. But it was still okay. “I can’t believe it. You’re younger than me but you  got a girlfriend already? I’m hurt!” Yes, it was true, he was hurt- but in a different way.

Taehyun smiles. But Mino felt that there was something wrong with it.

“Well what can I say, I was curious.” Taehyun says, gives a soft chuckle and Mino thinks that there was something wrong with it again.

Taehyun abruptly stands up and starts fixing his things. “Sorry, I need to go early today, I have a date.” He says and his voice is void of any emotion. His eyes were fixated on the pencils and papers on the table that he hastily shoves inside his bag.

Mino, just sat there, feeling empty.

“See you then.” Taehyun says in a hushed voice, looking straight into Mino’s eyes and stood there for a couple of seconds as if waiting for something.

“See you.” Mino says with his usual fake smile. Taehyun smiles, and heads out of the room.

Mino just stared at the boy’s retreating figure, not knowing what to do. 

Don’t go. Don’t go. Don’t go. Don’t go. Don’t go. Don’t go.

That was what he wanted to tell him. 

Don’t go. Don’t go. Don’t go. Please don’t go.

That was what he wanted to say.

Don’t go. Please don’t go. 

I love you.

That’s what he feels.

A/N: I am sorry for two things:

1) First, I'm sorry that it took a long time for me to update! Well you know, I'm usually lazy and uninspired and I like to spazz about WINNER a lot so that takes up pretty much a lot of my time. (And some real life stuff like internship, school obligations, etc)

2) I AM SORRY IF THIS CHAPTER TURNED OUT TO BE SOMEWHAT ANGSTY? I don't know what is happening to me. 

And I kind of feel that this chapter is different from my other chapters. It kinda felt sad and gloomy and I don't know actually haha. What do you think? Is it a bad thing or is it a good thing?

IMPORTANT: The next chapter would be the last chapter to this trial story haha. I never really planned this to be long because this was just a fic I started to practice my writing. So guys, don't worry!!! I feel so sad for Mino too but I promise you, Namsong will get their happy ending!!! So don't let go on this story pleasseeee hahahaha.

Thank you for reading and waiting! Feel free to share me your thoughts because I love hearing from you guys!