"I already know."

My eyes widen. I didn't expect that. She knows?

"To what extent?" I ask, completely dumbfounded.

"Taeyeon, everyone knows something's been up. Haven't you noticed whenever the cameras aren't on her, Sunny's always frowning or making some kind of indifferent face?" Now that I think about it, yeah. That has happened a lot.

"And?" Yuri runs a hand through her ombre hair.

"And, Taeyeon, we've all been holding our silence until something like this happens. If things are really as bad as it seems, or even worse..."

"Slow down. What is it that everyone else knows that I don't?" I have no idea where all of these seemingly evident signs of Sunny's so called "depression" have come from. Where have I been?

"We know no more information than you do, we've just come to notice the signs early on." Early signs?

"Signs?"

"Yeah. They're the same as when you were depressed last year." It hit me. So that's why I haven't noticed. I'm the only one ignorant to how it's like when someone other than yourself is depressed.

"Oh," is the only thing that comes out of my mouth, "So... now that this has happened... what are we going to do?"

"I... that's it, I don't know. You're depression never got that serious where you've done something this dangerous to your health. I don't know if we should have her see a doctor... if news gets out about this... I know that should be irrevelant, but who knows what kind of mess could unravel?"

As much as I want to put Sunny first, I have to accept what Yuri has said. The explosion that followed two simple dating confirmations earlier this year has changed the way people look at us as a whole now. Sure, the news was positively received for the most part, but now all the questions we get are about dating, men, and other irritatingly stupid topics. If news about Sunny's condition spreads... even though it is a little too early to call it depression, paparazzi will be on not only us, but specifically her like a hawk. That's only going to cause her more anxiety. Hell, for the first time ever she exploded when the paparazzi followed her as she was driving to her parents' house the other month.

"Ok, I understand... but really, if it gets too out of hand, regardless of what the future of the group will be, we have to get her help."

"Of course. She's a member, we can't just push all her problems under a rug."

"So I guess we're going to have to discuss this with the other girls."

"Definitely. I mean, we're going back on stage in a few days. We all need to be aware of the turn this has taken and watch her a little more closely. We're going out in the public eye again... the fact makes me anxious."

All I can do is sigh. I'm lost for words. For me, this all happened too suddenly. I... am I being selfish? I guess I never really appreciated Sunny's overprotective support... I feel like the crutch that held me up for so long has been knocked out under my arm.

"I guess right now... just let her sleep. I need to go call Seohyun to tell her about what happened, meet up with Hyoyeon in half an hour. If anything else happens, let me know. I'll be back if you need me."

I thank Yuri and we bade our farewells. As soon as the door shuts, I melt into a puddle on the floor. How am I going to handle this? My gosh, Taeyeon, it isn't even a situation where you're under responsibility...

Talking to myself. I guess this is just the start.

The hiatus comes to an end rather quickly. I really haven't really seen Sunny at all. Sure, I check up on her a lot. Made sure there's no alcohol in the house, much to the disatisfaction of Tiffany. Whatever I do never seems to make a difference. It's just... there's really no stopping her.

She goes out more often. I can't really keep her from going. She's a grown- woman, for heaven's sakes. She knows I don't want her going out so much, and I voice my opinion, but every time it's always "I'm just going out for a couple hours" or "don't worry it's just a couple drinks, didn't hurt anyone."

I usually end up following her despite her belief that she's alone. I'm not all too sure if she knows or not. Too many times I've seen her pass out at the barside. Too many times I've had to fend off the bastards that try to provoke her into following them. Too many times I've had to carry her into my car and drive her back home. Too many ing times I've had to watch her suffer the morning after, sitting in her own pool of vomit, pale and shaking.

She's visibly thinner too. She eats just fine, it's not to the point where she's starving herself. It's just all the throwing up.

If she'd just tell me what the is actually going on... that'd be enough. Seeing her suffer everyday, for seemingly no reason, is like not knowing what to apologize for. You know something's wrong, but you don't know why. It's frustrating.

I'm sitting in the waiting room for another performance on M!Countdown. I hear some kind of frantic conversing down the hall. Out of curiosity, I make my way over.

I'm met with Tiffany standing by the door of our dressing room. As I try to go in, she stops me.

"Tae, let's go somewhere else, alright?" she says too nervous to be natural.

"What's going on?" I grip the doorknob.

"No, let's just go grab some snacks at the catering booth. I have some things to tell you about my trip."

"Wha-no, it's ok. We can talk at home. I just want to know what all the ruckus is-"

I open the door and I see Sunny and her stylist struggling to fit the clothes on her. The skinny jeans that were once "too tight to dance in" are baggy. I can easily see her spine jutting from under her skin. She's easily as skinny as Yoona or Sooyoung. To be honest, it scares the living out of me. Sunny was never heavy-her height never really allowed for it in all reality. At a relatively healthy weight, she was about 100 pounds. She looks about 85 pounds now. Before I can say anything, she slams the door with her foot.

"I...I didn't know it was that bad..." my hand finds its way to my mouth. I feel sick. Naseous, even. The image of her boney body replays in my head. The last time we all went to a sauna, her frame was full and healthy... now...

I feel Tiffany's finger rub under my eye. I haven't even noticed I started crying.

I don't say a word. I just walk back down the hallway alone.

The performance went well, thankfully. No mishaps or anything in the like. I couldn't help but put Sunny into my line of vision the entire time. If anything as scary happens to her as that one time in our 2011 concert, I don't think I could get myself to finish the performance.

Half of SNSD was going to do a radio interview while the rest would leave for an hour's rest and head out for Hello Counselor. While Sunny excused herself for the bathroom, I had a little meeting with the girls outside the vans.

"Wherever Sunny's going, I'm going to go with her," I made my voice as serious as possible. The girls exchanged looks.

"What?"

"We understand that you want to look out for her. I mean, we all do, it's just that... don't you think you're doing a bit much?" Jessica spat out those words like it was some topic in the newspaper.

"How could I be doing a bit much? I simply want to be there for her to make sure she's ok."

"Taeyeon, the last thing Sunny needs is someone breathing down her neck while she's trying to deal with her own problems," Tiffany's reason never ceased to persuade me at least a little. Nevertheless, I'm going to be there for her. I just have this feeling that I should be. If anything happens and I'm not around, I don't think I could live with myself.

"I know, but I just need to. Say what you will. Just knowing that she'll be in my care whenever she needs it is comfort enough for me."

"This isn't about you. This is about Sunny," again Jessica with her bluntness.

"I understand," my teeth form into a grit, "I just need to be around."

"Sunny, Taeyeon, Tiffany, and I will all go to the Hello Counselor taping. I think it'd be best if Sunny get a bit of rest right now. She looks like she's about to fall apart," I knew Yuri had good intentions. There really was no more reason to argue, so we all just nodded and went to our respective cars. I can't help but notice the quick glance Yuri throws in Yoona's direction. Something doesn't feel right about those two right now.

I guess that doesn't matter. Right now I need to make sure Sunny gets to the taping safely and then I can sleep.

Sunny takes longer than usual in the bathroom, but she returns safely nonetheless. As soon as she enters the car, I motion for her to sit by me. I don't know if she saw me or not, but she takes the lonely seat by the left window.

A part of me hurts. It's... well, Sunny used to always push to sit by me and now she decides it'd be better to sit by herself. Am I invisible?

Ugh, I'm so childish. This isn't ing kindergarten, Taeyeon. You can sit by her if you want.

After shaking off the fact that I was again talking to myself, I gather by blanket and pillow and stand up.

"You mind?" I motion for her to scoot over, "Unless you'd rather not." She gives me a weak smile and scoots over. Doesn't give me the time of day, though. Her head's facing the window as soon as I plop next to her. I can feel Yuri and Tiffany staring daggers from behind me. It doesn't really matter to me anyways. I'm going to stick with her like she stuck with me.

Sleeping for an hour in a moving vehicle probably wouldn't sound so great to the unexperienced ear, but it's dark and the cloth seats are comfortable.

The only thing is that it's still freezing in Seoul, and with the yellow dust coming from China everyone feels cold and sick. All my energy is drained and the only thing I want to do is sleep. I urge myself to stay awake until Sunny falls asleep first so I can assure myself that she'll be getting some rest. I throw my blanket over her and turn away from her. Just letting her know I'm there.

The strange puppy noises I hear from my left ear tells me that she had fallen asleep. The tense feeling in my back goes away and I try to get some rest myself, but I can't help but worry about the show taping.

I worry about the hosts bringing up Sunny's weight loss. I worry about Sunny fainting during the taping from lack of food and hydration. I worry about Sunny getting nervous from being in front of a camera for well over the usual four minutes of music shows. Sunny, Sunny, Sunny. It rakes my mind raw. I can't be certain that everything will go 100% alright. The only thing I do know is...

I'm going to get any sleep tonight.

...

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