Lee Taemin

My eyes were impossibly heavy and I felt a bit disorientated. Sun was shining mercilessly through the blinds and I couldn’t help but notice piles of clothes on the ground. Weird, I couldn’t really… remember.

My face looked puffy in the mirror, eyes sunken and tired. I was surprised to find a small bruise just above my elbow and the fact that I didn’t have any idea how it got there made me frown. I swallowed a painkiller in hope that it would make my headache stop. It was becoming quite a habit already, it seemed. I should probably stock up on the pills because these weird mornings only seemed to occur more often recently.

I cleaned up my room a bit, surprised to find an eye liner that certainly didn’t belong to me along with a hairclip with a black lace bow. I put them in a box under my bed already half-full of all these weird things I occasionally found that weren’t mine. Brushing it off, I headed to the kitchen. I felt like frying an egg or two, even the better if we’d have some bacon.

Taeminnie

The sky looks so blue! I could stare at it for hours – there is something comforting in its vivid colour, so vibrant and ecstatic. The soft brush of wind that caresses my eyelashes makes the corners of my mouth pull upwards. The green grass supporting me smells fresh, reminding me of orange juice and warm waffles with honey in granny’s sun-kissed kitchen.

Sometimes I miss her very much. Her hands, however wrinkled and rough, were always warm. She made me feel like yellow with touches of orange. Oh, how I love oranges! My mommy and granny always used to peel them for me. Mommy…

She loved oranges too. We always had a big bowl of them in our tiny kitchen, as long as she was there, of course. Her hands, warm like granny’s but so much softer and oh so tender, smelled like oranges too.

I opened my eyes as I sat up. I felt like going and buying some oranges now. Putting my hand in the pocket, I found some bills I could use. A bright smile spread on my face and it almost seemed like the sun high up above winked to me.

Lee Taemin

I pocketed the money my uncle had left for me and rushed to the bus stop. That half an hour I spent trying to do my homework I had somehow not done yesterday. Again. When I tried to remember why, however, I ran into a blank spot. Weird, but not that rare at all.

I know I was quite privileged to go to such an elite school as I did, but to me it was just a school like any other. I did feel grateful to my uncle, of course, for everything he had done for me. Considering my situation I would have been quite ed otherwise. I really did owe him a great deal. So that’s why I must try my best to study well and get a good job.

I said a quick hi to my friends Key and Jongin by our lockers and hurried to finish the homework before classes start. When they asked what I did last night, I answered that I fell asleep. Never had I told them about the weird black spots in my memory. I didn’t need anyone to worry.

We usually sat together at lunch and sometimes went out after school, but I still didn’t feel like true friends with them. After all this time, I still didn’t really dare to trust them.

Minnie

The neon lights and bursting club music makes my head spin around in the most perfect way. Someone’s hand is resting on my , the touch groping, filthy. There’s hot breath against my bare white neck, lips kissing the soft skin. A smirk forms on my lips. I sway to the beat, moving my in the most delicious ways, a little just for the show. The stranger behind me presses himself flat against me, fingers roaming over my sweaty body and I feel a hard pressing to my . I push the guy backwards making him stumble and almost fall. Taunting laugh spills from my glossy lips as I sway ily away from the dance floor. I hate those needy, oh so needy bastards.

I head to the bar, eyes scanning for today’s prey and I catch one handsome peering towards me. When he meets my intense gaze, however, he lowers his eyes in what seems to be shyness. My lips curve into a smirk.

A tender touch on his forearm is all it takes to have him under my spell. He is so easily tameable that I quite enjoy it for a change. For me it’s always fun to play these games, even the more as the final outcome is always certain. I keep on downing the drinks he so readily buys me, unaware of one special pair of eyes among hundreds that are glued to me.

Taeminnie

I love parks because they always remind me of my mommy. She always used to say that apartments are prisons and take me to sit on the green grass under the smiling blue sky. The light wind sometimes carries her whispers into my ear. Her laugh, tingling of silver bells.

Ding, ding! I stand hunched over an ice cream trolley, trying to choose between all the flavours. Oh, how difficult! I adore strawberries, the taste on July… And also chocolate, the richest flavour that somehow seems to contain all my happy moments. Oh, the cherries, they make me feel like August! Apples, these colourful Octobers! And oh, so many more! Mangos brought home in small plastic bags, cookies bought only on special occasions, blueberries I’ve only tasted twice in my life, peppermint, raspberries, peanuts, coffee, watermelon! Too many… In the end I end up taking total of 5 scoops. I like that number – it was my mommy’s birthday.

Lee Taemin

I didn’t often drink coffee, but an important test was coming up and I didn’t have an option to ‘just fall asleep’ again. I needed to study and if I needed to drink double espressos in order for my brain to work, so be it. I took my laptop to the nearby coffee shop, sitting down at a table in the back and ordering an espresso for a start.

However, my gaze kept drifting back to the guy behind the counter. His eyes were unusually big, but the face gave away nothing. Maybe I only imagined it, but his eyes seemed to follow me more often than they should have. I felt a bit unnerved. However, I had no time to spare so I got started on my work and pushed unnecessary thoughts to the back of my mind.

Lee Taemin

Visiting the coffee shop turned into a habit. It took me only three weeks to try out absolutely everything they had to offer there, all different types of coffees, teas, smoothies, snacks and cakes. It seemed the same guy was at work every day and as time passed he started to greet me with a smile instead of a frown and even joked a bit. He actually turned out to be quite a sweet person.

Sometimes, when I finished my homework and the shop was empty, we talked over the counter. Maybe it was a bit weird, just maybe. But then again, I was visiting the place far too often not to get used to his presence and to be honest, I might have found him a bit attractive. Whatever the reasons for it, I came to look forward to these coffee shop trips more than anything.

Minnie

I check my smoky eyes for the last time before exiting the dirty restrooms and heading to the bar to get some free drinks. The guy I choose this time is promising to be quite a difficult one, definitely straight. Oh, I like challenges! It takes me five minutes to break him down, I check it from the Rolex he is oh so proudly wearing.

However, something unexpected happens. Instead of tending to my wishes like he should, the barman stops wide-eyed as he notices me. I get it that my beauty is breath taking, but I still want to be served! He is quite handsome with his big eyes, I’ll give him that. But his stupid expression pisses me off very quickly. I’m surprised when that stranger actually dares to talk to me: ‘Tae, is it you?’

‘No, certainly not. And I’d like to have my margarita now!’ I snap and arch my eye-brow, daring him to continue to waste my time. How could he mistake me for someone else? No one is as fabulous as me! No one looks even close to me! That bastard.

Min

The kitchen knife in my hand looked very pretty as it reflected the soft light emitting from the empty living room, adding a metallic edge to the shine. I was enchanted. The blade was cold and stale against my skin as I slid it across my forearm, using the top to make beautiful patterns on my wrist. So deadly, yet so beautiful.

Oh, how easy it would be to make a little mistake and voila, glamorously glistening red drops would break free, adding some charming colour to my pale skin. Fascinating. How easy it was to destroy something so unimportant in the name of beauty! Noble, actually.

Oh, how I longed to become beautiful! To diminish my appearance’s inferior plainness, flaws, imperfections. I didn’t feel my lips curving as the knife kept on dancing on my wrist, almost breaking the tender shell. Almost, but not quite.

I couldn’t help but allowed myself an occasional cut here and there, garnishing the otherwise expressionless surface with dashes of colour. Oh, how bewitching, this act of creation! And the pain, how captivating it was in its total rawness. I embraced it, cherished it, enjoyed that unique pleasure it brought.

It felt odd to imagine that something as captivating as the rich substance emerged from that plain pale nothingness. I lifted the magical blade to my lips, not wasting any of the red syrup. Tears of amazement filled my eyes.

Lee Taemin

I balled the ends of my long sleeves into my fist before opening the coffee shop door and mustering a smile to Minho where he stood behind the counter. All I got in return was a calculating frown. I went to him nevertheless, now more than ever intrigued if anything serious had happened.

‘Do you often go out at night?’ His odd question instead of usual cheery hello caught me off guard.

‘No, not at all. I’m not into that kind of things… and I don’t think my uncle would approve, I’m still only 17 after all!’ His frown was beginning to make me nervous.

‘If you say so. What did you do last night?’ He was acting very weird, he had never asked me anything like that before.

‘I was at home, watching a movie. I went to sleep early. Why do you ask?’ He had made me very curious, but I had to be disappointed when he just brushed it off without any real explanation.

The coffee tasted a bit more bitter that day as I sat alone with my laptop, finishing my homework.

Lee Taemin

I closed the front door quietly and ran a hand through my hair as I stepped out of my shoes and shed my jacket. Shoulders hunched, I treaded to the silence of my room, drowning myself in the soft blankets. I closed my eyes and willed the sweet oblivion of unconsciousness to swallow me. I wished the pain to stop. My breaths were shaky with things left unsaid, feelings left unexplained.

I tried to escape from this feeling of hopelessness, never being good enough by wrapping myself into the white blankets. However, the sleep didn’t come – it never did when I really needed it. Instead, hot tears rolled down my cheeks. The smiling faces of my friends as they chatted away, my hands folding and unfolding in my lap, judging faces of classmates, making my way alone through the mass of a busy street, stern face of my uncle as he hands me money, my mom disappearing to the ground, hidden into a pale beige coffin.

I forced my eyes open, wishing I could just disappear. I’m worthless. I’ll never be good enough.

Taeminnie

I find myself in a night park. It’s dark and there’s no sun anymore, but thankfully there are bright lanterns everywhere that chase away the shadows. It’s pretty, the way yellow light dances on the ground as black leaves hurl in the wind. I skip down the narrow path, a bit scared to stare into the bushes for too long.

There are nearly no people. Those that I pass look at me a bit weirdly, but I ignore them. Mommy always said that it didn’t matter what everyone else said. She told me that I am sweet, kind, caring and that she loves me. Oh, how I miss her! When I was sad because of the stuff others had said about me, she always hugged me, dried my tears and gave me a chocolate chip cookie.

I really want some cookies now! And wow, without noticing I have already reached to the edge of the park! There’s a busy street just metres away and I can already see a small shop that still has lights on. I smile as I find some money in the back pocket of my jeans. All I need to do now is to get to the other side of that dangerous road. So many cars! They all flash past and not one ever slows down.

Oh, how I wish my mommy would still be here right now to hold my hand and make them stop!

Lee Taemin

I frown as I find my wallet empty. Again. I really have no idea where all my money is disappearing to. I put on a face of pouty hopefulness and get only a sigh as an answer as Minho hands me the macchiato and a banana-chocolate cupcake.

‘Thank you’ I smile to him extra brightly, noticing in amazement how his cheeks seem a bit pinker as he drops his eyes and a small smile forms on his lips. Suddenly, I decide that I don’t really need to finish that essay before tomorrow, anyway.

Min

All I see in the mirror are empty eyes. My hands are shaking slightly as my legs take a step under the scalding hot water, silent whimpers escaping from my parted lips. Pressing my eyes shut, I soak myself in the pain. I’m sure it’ll purify me. It has to! All my faults, all those horrible defects will just burn away.

Because I am not worthy. I am detestable and repulsive and disgusting. Sickening, that’s what I am.

I am hopeless.

I must change! But I am too flawed, too far from perfect. Would it be possible? Or am I just destined to disappear?

Lee Taemin

At this point I wasn’t sure who exactly Minho was to me, anymore. We acted like old friends, even though we had known each other for a bit more than a month. Sometimes I saw him looking at me. A bit differently. Other times, it seemed that I was only imagining it and at those times I just felt so incredibly stupid.

He meant too much to me, I trusted him too much. I didn’t know what to do.

I didn’t tell him much about my problems, I just couldn’t bring him down like that. Sometimes, I had to lie to him. I knew it wasn’t a right or good thing to do, but I just couldn’t bring myself to answer some of his questions truthfully. How was I supposed to tell him of my real life? The life I seemingly had no control over?

How was I supposed to tell him that my friends were more like acquaintances to me; my dad was an alcoholic, drug-addict and used to beat me; I was living only from the courtesy of my uncle; that my biggest wish was that my mom would still be alive? And of course, the fact that often I couldn’t even remember what the hell did I do last day.

There are some things you just can’t say out loud. I had a lot of them.

Lee Taemin

The first time we met outside the coffee shop was a day I’ll never forget. Honestly saying, it was all quite weird even according to my standards. It all started when I told Minho that the thing I’d always wanted to try out was bungee-jumping.

It was a nice Saturday morning when I met him at the coffee shop, having no plans whatsoever about how we were going to spend the day. He, however, clearly had some. He took me to the biggest mall in the city without, of course, telling me where or why we were going there. The moment I found out I didn’t know if I should cry of laugh. Incredulous, but in the end we both did it. And to tell the truth, it was absolutely awesome. That kick was like nothing other and the rest of the day went by in a strange haze: arcade, ice cream, karaoke.

That day was something quite different, unique even. I don’t remember ever having as much fun as I did with him. We were strangely reluctant to part when the sun started to set and even though neither of us said anything, we both knew that something between us had changed. I felt the strangest emotion of hope taking over my mind as I looked out of the bus window, even though the seat next to me was empty again. Because maybe, just maybe…

Minnie

For a second I have the strangest urge to turn around and find another club as I notice the same rude barman, but then I realize how stupid that would be. He’s definitely not important, why should I move? So I sway confidently to the counter, sit down and look around to find a good target.

‘Taemin? What are you doing here?’ I turn to the barman with barely contained annoyance, my face an expressionless mask.

‘It’s you again. I told you already, I’m not that Taemin or whoever you think I am. How you could mistake me, I have no idea, but I would like a mojito and then you can kindly off.’ For a moment he just stands there, dumbfounded, and it almost seems that he would take my advice. But no. Freaking moron. Weirdly crestfallen expression appears on his face as he just keeps on going.

‘You don’t have to lie to me. Of course it’s none of my business. But I just… I mean…’

‘Shut up already, you are making me angry. You know what? I’ll just get my drink somewhere else.’

I hadn’t really planned to leave that place, but I just couldn’t take that guy. There’s another club just few streets down, anyway.

Lee Taemin

A frown formed on my face as no answer escaped from Minho’s lips so tightly pressed together. His eyes didn’t meet mine as he just kept on preparing my coffee, his face an unmoving expressionless mask.

‘Is everything okay? Did anything happen?’ I asked, now totally dumbfounded. My mind drifted back to the last time I saw him, trying to find something, anything, which could have made him act like this.

He just lifted his eyes and stared at me unbelievingly. For some reason, his eyes were full of pain. ‘No, nothing happened at all.’ I was taken aback by his ice cold tone and could do nothing but stare at him in confusion.

‘Did I do something wrong? I don’t understand…’ He stared at me incredulously.

‘Did you do something? Well, I guess apparently not. Whatever. I don’t give a , anyway. Here’s your mocha, if it is even good enough for you, of course. You are free to leave now.’ The anger and disappointment in his tone sent chills down my spine. And I’d never heard him swear before!

‘I don’t… I don’t understand what you mean.’ My voice came out small and helpless, exactly like I felt that moment. What was going on?

‘You didn’t have any problems leaving yesterday.’ He lowered his eyes, turning away.

‘What do you mean by that?’ I felt like the world was crashing down. Why was he acting like that? What the hell was he even talking about?

‘Oh, so you don’t remember now either, do you?’ His mocking words were heavy with sarcasm and cut like a blade, making me flinch.

‘I really don’t! What are you talking about? What happened?’ The pure sincerity and desperation in my voice made him finally look up.

Min

Oh, it never helps, does it? This so called ‘purification’, ‘deleting the flaws’. It does ing nothing! Maybe I’m beyond the stage of helping already, maybe I’m just too weak. I guess I have nothing else left to do now.

Because nothing has changed! I am still as detestable as before. Weak, disgraceful, revolting. ing nothing in this world helps against that!

Killing myself is the only way. I’m making them all a favour if I do it now. And I’ll do it painfully, because pain is what I deserve. Oh yes, I deserve it all.

The first cuts are not deep at all – just enough to bring out the blood. It stings as the shiny metal gets covered in astonishing red, but the beauty and meaning of this act make me tremble in pleasure. I cut deeper and deeper, creating a masterpiece out of this screaming plainness. All these intense emotions make me a bit dizzy. But oh, how free I feel!

The pain is numbing now, but I don’t even try to tune it out. Instead, I let myself be swallowed by it.

I deserve that pain. I shouldn’t fight it.

I feel weaker with every passing minute.

Is this it?

I look at my distorted body.

So beautiful…

Finally, I feel almost perfect.

Lee Taemin

When I open my eyes, all I can see is white. My whole body hurts and I can’t remember anything. The room is weirdly plain and it smells like hospital. A sigh escapes from my lips. Am I dreaming?

Suddenly I see Minho’s face, his eyes full of emotions I can’t name. I must be dreaming. He’s standing beside me, his lips are parting and closing. Not a sound escapes.

Suddenly a man in white coat appears. ‘Are you Lee Taemin?’

I don’t bother to nod, but just stare at the odd scene unfolding right in front of me. Definitely a dream.

Minho beside me touches my hand tenderly and his anxious voice suddenly finds a way out. ‘It’s going to be okay. You’ll be okay. Don’t worry, they’ll help you. You are going to be fine.’

I would smile, but my eyes feel too heavy.

This dream is strange.

I hope the next one will be better.