Luhan is feeling happy.

Despite the gloomy and dark feel of the surroundings, Luhan can’t help but smile giddily to himself at the thought of meeting Sehun here. He happily strolls around their university’s park, arms wrapped around the paper bag he is carrying as he hugs it in front of him. It’s a present for Sehun; a scarf that he had always wanted to give to him ever since he set his eyes on it one time that they were in the mall.

It’s the time of the year when the sky is covered by dark clouds and the atmosphere is somehow torn between being cold or being dry. It’s the kind of autumn that makes people think it might rain anytime soon but it really won’t, like the sky just decided to be dark and foreboding on it’s own without any apparent reason at all.

Luhan’s pure white sweater seems to stand out on the vacant park as he walk towards his destination; students don’t usually hang out outside of their classrooms and buildings when the weather and atmosphere is as bleak and gloomy as today. Luhan slightly tightened the beanie he was wearing to make it cover his ears when the wind blew and an unfamiliar chill made his skin shiver. He then started walking faster to reach the place where Sehun is probably waiting by now.

He eventually reached the certain spot in the park where he and Sehun is supposed to meet. A number of benches surround the area, accompanied by trimmed grass and well-grown trees and flowers.

Luhan looked around to search for any signs of Sehun, and when he tilted his head to his far left side, he noticed the silhouette of a man he has grown to memorize over the past few months. He grinned to himself, clutched the paper bag tighter around his arms, and almost hopped himself in excitement as he started walking towards the silhouette’s direction. It was Sehun.

But he suddenly stopped on his tracks when he noticed another silhouette standing just in front of the man he was supposed to meet here alone. His smile faded, and he removed his hug from his paper bag and held it behind him instead.

Someone he didn’t expect to be there is actually standing right in front of Sehun, laughing and goofing off with the man right in front of his eyes. It was their other best friend, Jongin, who has been bonding with them ever since the three of them entered university.

Luhan stood motionless at the very spot he is in, staring at the two boys in front of him with sad eyes. He then noticed little things that a normal friend wouldn’t; like how Sehun’s laughter is different when it’s Jongin he is being with, like how Sehun would occasionally touch Jongin and wrap his arm around his broad shoulders, like how Sehun obviously likes the company of Jongin.

And like how Jongin enjoys his as well.

Luhan was about to turn around and leave the place when Jongin suddenly noticed him and called out to him. “Hey! Luhan!” the bronze skinned guy yelled while waving at him.

Sehun eventually looked at Luhan’s spot as well, and smiled to him widely while waving at him.

"Hey! How long have you been standing there?" Sehun said after the two of them approached the baby-faced boy. "I’ve been waiting for you since forever!"

"I-I honestly just got here…" Luhan defended. He then forced himself to smile to hide the awkwardness he was feeling. "Sorry if you waited…"

"It’s okay!" Sehun said with a chuckle before placing his arm around Luhan’s shoulders. "So… let’s go to the library now?"

"Sure…" Luhan replied as enthusiastically as he could.

"Luhan, what are you holding behind your back?" the curious Jongin suddenly said while looking at the boy in front of him. "What are you hiding there?"

Sehun then glanced at Luhan’s back to look at the thing the boy beside him was hiding behind him. When he saw that it was a paper bag that the boy was holding, he then asked, “Yeah… What’s that?”

"Oh… It’s nothing!" Luhan said as he places the small bag in front of him again. "I just bought something on my way here to university… It’s a personal possession…"

"Oh… Okay." Sehun replied, seemingly convinced at the answer Luhan had given him. "Well let’s go now!"

Luhan smiled weakly at him before a pang of pain and guilt hit his chest like an arrow intended to kill him.

He is in a very bad situation, and he knows he has to escape from it as soon as he can.

But he also knows that he loves Sehun. He knows he had always loved Sehun.

——-

The three boys were sitting themselves on their usual places, Sehun and Luhan sitting beside each other while Jongin sits exactly in front of Sehun. Books and notebooks were sprawled out in front of them; the three boys quickly scanning and reading the materials for any useful information to jot down on their notes. Exams were approaching again and they’ve been in the libraries for a couple of times already ever since the week started.

Jokes and laughter would occasionally beam from their table too, and Luhan would always find himself letting out a forced laugh and straining his lips for a smile that doesn’t come out naturally. He knows it’s bad to wish for Jongin to just go and leave Sehun with him all alone, but he can’t help it whenever he feels that the attention he would love to get from Sehun is being taken away by Jongin instead. It’s a terrible thing to wish for, considering that they’re all best friends in the first place.

And considering that Sehun was never his, anyway.

He hates himself for thinking about those things. And he hates Sehun more for trapping him here.

But he loves Sehun too much to do something about it.

The two boys were in the middle of laughing over something Luhan literally has no idea what when Jongin suddenly stood up and faced them. “I have to get this certain book about basic psychology. I’ll be right back.” he said before smiling and leaving the table to shuffle through the massive collection of books in the library.

Luhan resumed on staring blankly at the opened book in front of him. He isn’t really reading the pages because his mind is currently on other places and he can’t really focus on anything at all.

Sehun, on the other hand, looked around their surroundings and sneakily grabbed Luhan’s own hand under the table. “Baby…”

Luhan was a little shocked at the sudden touch, then faced the boy beside him with a weak smile. “Yeah?”

"What’s going on?" Sehun asked with utter concern in his eyes. "Are you okay?"

Luhan seriously wanted to scream at him. He wanted to punch the boy beside him in the face square for all the things he’s being unaware of, for all the things he’s being insensitive about, and for all the things he’s making him do.

He knows their entire relationship was as unfair to him as . Luhan wanted to get out of it and remove the toxic slowly eating him from inside.

But Luhan also loves Sehun too much to question him. He knows he loves him too much to get mad at him.

"No. Nothing’s wrong, baby…" he weakly replied instead while keeping all the internal scream inside him voiceless. "Everything’s okay…"

Sehun wasn’t convinced with Luhan’s souless answer and he wanted to protest, but Jongin was already slowly returning to their table with the book he was looking for. Luhan quickly removed his hand from Sehun’s grip, and the way his hand felt vacant and cold sent another pang of pain right through his chest again.

"God, it was so hard to find this book…" Jongin said casually as he sat in front of Sehun again, and everything resumed normally as if nothing just happened.

Luhan forced yet another smile, and did his best to keep the guilt from bursting and devouring him whole.

——-

The three best friends then split their ways after their little review in the library. Luhan has one last class for that day while Sehun and Jongin decided to grab something to eat first. Luhan left their presence with an intense feeling of sadness and longing.

As he was walking through the corridors, Luhan began to question himself and his happiness. He loves Sehun. He had never loved anyone before more than his love for him. But is his love for him strong enough to kill the guilt he was also feeling inside him? Is his love for him strong enough to withstand the sufferings he’s getting himself into?

Is his love for him strong enough to destroy a friendship?

Luhan never wanted this kind of situation. He never wanted to fool anyone, to hide something from anyone, to cheat on anyone. But his heart is always stronger than his mind. He’s always weak when it comes to Sehun.

He wanted to get out of it. But he’s not really sure if he could.

A sudden ring from his mobile phone startled Luhan on his way to his classroom. He quickly grabbed the device from his pocket and excitedly answered the call when he saw it was Sehun that was calling him.

"Sehunnie?!"

"Hey, Luhannie. Jongin just got himself home. We can meet without him now…"

"Oh, okay… I-I’ll skip class now and hurry there, okay? Wait for me!"

"Sure, baby."

"I love you…"

"Yeah. Bye…"

A beep came from the device and the line was cut off. Luhan smiled to himself, suddenly feeling happy and excited again. He then turned around and quickly ran off to go back to where Sehun is to spend time with him alone.

Luhan knows he’s being selfish, but he can’t help it when he’s deeply in love.

——-

The cold autumn breeze brushes against Luhan’s cheeks as he hurries back to where the two of them are supposed to meet alone. He’s clutching on his present for him again as he runs, feeling excited and happy as he tries his best to fight the conscience eating him from inside.

Because every time he meets with Sehun, a part of his soul dies. Every time he holds his hand, every time he kisses his lips, every time he tells him how much he loves him; a portion of his heart withers. It dies from a mixture of happiness, of guilt, of helplessness…

And of love.

He was in the middle of hurrying through the sidewalks of their university when another buzz and vibration came from his pocket. He figured it must be from Sehun, so he hastily got the phone in his hands and opened the text message with a silly grin on his face.

But the message wasn’t from him. It was from the person who truly owns Sehun; it was Jongin.

"Hey, Lulu. Is everything okay? I notice you’re being kinda down lately. You know you can always talk with me about anything, right? I’ll be happy to help you out. You’re one of the best persons to be friends with, after all."

Luhan clutched the paper bag he was hugging in front of him tighter in an attempt to fight back the intense amount of pain suddenly crushing his heart from inside his chest. He stopped from his tracks, stared blankly at the screen of the device he was holding in his hand, and controlled his tears from falling down.

He knows he will break like this one day. Ever since he decided to be with Sehun, he knows and never forgets that the day will come when he will regret everything that he did. He let himself fall in love with a person he shouldn’t. He became lovers with a friend who already belongs to someone else. He let himself become a fool that cheats on his own friend.

Every time he sees Sehun with Jongin, a striking pain consumes him because he knows that whatever relationship the two of them have can never be as perfect and right as theirs. He is just an affair; a sweet little secret that no one should ever have knowledge of. Yet he fell too deeply, he loved too much; in a way that he already set aside his principles and even his own humanity just to live a life as Sehun’s lover.

Luhan took the risk. And he’s breaking himself apart.

He doesn’t even know who he is now.

But another buzz from his phone snapped him out of his trance. When he looked on his hand phone’s screen, a message from Sehun flashed on it and Luhan started to know, deep in his heart, what he truly needs to do to make things right.

"Hey, what’s taking you so long?"

But Luhan didn’t type a reply. He smiled painfully to himself instead, turned around from his spot, and started walking to the opposite direction.

Luhan… the baby-faced boy called out inside his mind as if he’s trying to talk to himself, as if he’s trying to reach out to a different person he no longer knows who.

I hope you can be… his thoughts trailed off, halted by the tears that were uncontrollably streaming down his face. …someone you should really be.

Luhan is not feeling happy, but now is the kind of sadness that can make things right.

He then sighed despondently to himself.

(NOTE: OKAY PLOT TWIST YES LUHAN IS THE THIRD PARTY HERE.

so i personally wanted to make this look like Luhan was the real bf being jealous with Sehun's bestfriend and then later on reveal that Luhan was actually the third party in the story.

i hope i achieved that tho, coz i'm not really sure if i like how this oneshot turned out or what.

aaaanyway i still hope u guys liked it. Ja!!!!!)