[monologue]
ORIGIN mid 17th cent.: from French, from Greek monologos ‘speaking alone.’

It’s always interesting how, the older you get, the more you think about your childhood.

Your knees didn’t look like knobby golf balls back then, and falling down didn’t make your skin mottle like the inside of a clamshell, and you didn’t know anything. Of course, the amount of information about the world that you still don’t know overwhelms you in quiet moments, but you still think back to your childhood-self and it amazes you how you got by, knowing as little as you did.

Thoughts are everything and actions are never enough, not for the guy who wants what he can’t have. Yongguk is twenty-three and so utterly in love that every breath aches, every moment is her name. His conscience hisses in his ear and wraps around him like a snake that crawls through his skin and whispers curses in his very mind. His left side is the devil and the angel is his right, one shrieking no and the other yes.

Both are so loud he doesn’t know who is saying what.

-

There are only few things Yongguk hates, and the same cannot be said for the ‘WORRY’ stamped onto every moment of his life, red and angry. Numerous concerns tend to keep him up at night, rattle around the back of his mind, and Yongguk would toss and turn until Himchan throws a pillow at him with an aggravated ‘Stop it, you .’ And that, too, is one of the countless things that set Yongguk’s teeth on edge.

-

here is the list of major things in his life he worries regardless of time and place:

1) He is twenty-three and had spent six years of his life holed up in a basement of one tacky entertainment company. Prior, he’d co-morbidly used the eighteenth and nineteenth year of his life producing titillating songs about money, , girls and risqué things as such. For that reason, Bang Yongguk isn’t exactly what one would describe as dorky or innocent, despite his freshly carved image of a reliable, gummy smile leader. This worries him to the point that he isn’t sure if the aches in his body are from the dance practice or the stress. Twenty years are long enough for one person to distinguish who he is and is not. So despite every trial and error and the desecrating love from his fans Yongguk feels like a lie. 

2) Yongnam is the thing (person?) Yongguk worries for the most. Having had his senses ingrained with the images of his twin’s rebellious streaks since very young, worrying over him is Yongguk’s second nature. The unchangeable fact will always stay the same; to everyone’s eyes, Yongguk is an all-around smart kid, while Yongnam cannot be anymore different. His brother is arduous, indolent and a headstrong bad boy. And the important thing here is, Yongguk is just the same. The only difference being that he knows when to turn it off. Yongnam does not as much as care, and so he worries, but that’s okay, because this is what families are supposed to do. Though, on some days Yongguk cannot help but wonder if Yongnam had ever been worried for him at all.

3) There are four kids in BAP and one half-kid, all of them at least half a decade younger than himself, and it has always been this way every time Yongguk does a head count. BAP is a five-member group with himself splattered in front like an out-of-place sticker on the window of their van. He doesn’t say this out loud, for he is the only one who thinks it.

4) Yongguk tries. He can barely scrape by, and though this may be true, here's the funny thing: he gets used to it. The rough and tumble of his past does not cease completely, but the way he lives is different now, and Yongguk feels a little more deserving of his perfect picture as each day comes to an end. However, point here is, the last time his worry made him search up the average age in which people in korea marry, Yongguk cannot help the weight inside his chest from becoming a fist of lead. His concern on this is impossibly immense, and it is one he can never voice out loud.

5) Because they aren’t allowed to love, Yongguk finally learns the difference between knowing who he loves and voicing who he loves, and it is there where he comes apart.

[monologue]
ORIGIN mid 17th cent.: from French, from Greek monologos ‘speaking alone.’