Joonmyeon stares at the brown envelope which contained his test reports and medical recommendations and raises his head while gawking at the doctor in front of him. "You want me to what?" Joonmyeon splutters.

The doctor took a sharp intake of breath before explaining," You could do surgery, Joonmyeon. You can go to the US to get yourself treated." Joonmyeon's face darkens and his tone went from panicked to flat," But you said the survival percentage is only ten. I'm not doing it. I don't want to die in a middle of a surgery.

"Then you would prefer to waste away? What about Yixing? Have you told him? Do you want him to watch you die?" The doctor's tone came out as calm but the words were harsh. He had to knock some sense into the young man in front of him. To the old doctor's surprise, Joonmyeon did not even bat an eye. He felt his eyelid twitch but Joonmyeon's face remained stoic, in fact, he looked bored.

The doctor opened his mouth, wanting to say something so he could agitate Joonmyeon and change his mind but instead his lips twitched into a sad smile, he felt sorry for Joonmyeon. Wordlessly, he stood up and walked towards the door. "Goodbye, Joonmyeon." The old man says softly and closes the office door behind him.

Joonmyeon finally lets out the breath he had been holding in, staring at the brown envelope, he wished that it would just disappear.

•••

Yixing was fast asleep when Joonmyeon slipped in again. The notepad was again beside Yixing. The elder looks around the room to see it all cleaned up and neat. Joonmyeon's heart flutters slightly, glad to know Yixing knew how to clean up after himself.

It was not raining, but the night air was frigid. There was no singing or drunken howls to cut through the silence. It was far too cold for anyone to be out on an autumn night 2 am.

Joonmyeon picks up the notepad and read through the latest entry. He sighed and moves in beside Yixing onto the bed. He faces the ceiling, tracing the patterns of the wallpaper his parents had picked out for Yixing.

The pale orange stripes brought colour to Yixing's dull world. Joonmyeon found himself getting captivated by its hypnotizing patterns and swirls.

He blinks and turns away, this time, Yixing's face was facing in Joonmyeon's direction. Staring and observing his brother's peaceful face, for the first time, Joonmyeon took a good look at his brother's face, realizing that Yixing had sharp edges to his features that made him look a lot more grown up.


Joonmyeon felt sad, the sudden realization that he had never taken a good look at his brother for the past 15 years, the memories of their childhood was long forgotten. Joonmyeon had forgotten how Yixing had looked like when he was just a child. He had no memory of them, since he was diagnosed with some stupid brain disease. The memories started disappearing, just as it had with the oak tree.

The edges of his vision start blurring as he felt his eyelids get heavier. Before he could actually fall asleep, Joonmyeon moves in further, letting both their forehead bump into each other.

"What are you dreaming about, Yixing? I want to know." Joonmyeon says, waiting for an answer. But the boy opposite him doesn't stir, the steady rise and drop of his chest continues. Joonmyeon gets tired of waiting and eventually allows sleep engulf him.

•••

The next morning, Yixing woke up with a roommate. Joonmyeon was still asleep; Yixing nearly stumbles off the bed when his eyes flutters open to see the distinct features of his brother.

"Hyung?" Yixing whispers, barely audible. A hand was reached out, but drawn back again. "Hyung?" Yixing calls out louder this time. Joonmyeon jerks and his eyes flew open. Still clad in his shirt and jeans, he ran a hand through his bed hair," Crap." He muttered loud enough for the both of them to hear.

Crimson creeps up both of their necks and ears as a tint of pink flushes their cheeks. The awkward silence continued until Yixing broke it," What were you doing in my bed hyung?" The younger's eyes darted around the room nervously, not wanting to meet the elder’s wavering gaze.

The two sat on the bed, it was a whole minute before Joonmyeon actually found an answer," I was bothered by something. So I came in, I feel comfortable here." Somehow, a memory clicked in Yixing's mind and of course, Joonmyeon would have absolutely no memory of it, since he was sick.

Yixing clears his throat," Uh, oh. Okay." Still avoiding the intent stare of Joonmyeon, he backs off slowly against the bed as the silk sheets caressed his skin. Yixing's two feet greeted the freezing marble ground as goose bumps crept up his body. He suppresses a shudder," I have classes later. I should go and wash up now..." Yixing was avoiding his brother.

He quickly scampers away, but Joonmyeon asks something which knocked Yixing off guard," Do you hate me, Yixing?" Although Joonmyeon knew very well that his brother loved him, but he couldn't help but feeling a pang of sadness and doubt. To Joonmyeon, Yixing never see to show his love through his actions.

Yixing halts his rapid footsteps and turn towards his brother, his eyes wide, face contorted with something like hurt and anger, closed fists by his side as they shook violently. But his voice came out nothing more than a soft squeak," How could you say that? I love you hyung."

•••

It didn't take long for the two to be seating on the sill by the large window, as they gazed out into the dark night, probably only illuminated up by the faint glow of the moonlight and the sparkling of the stars.

Their knuckles knocked against each other, fingers brushing the tips, just as their legs were overlapped. Both of them said nothing, knowing that their actions could tell more than their clumsy words could, they kept quiet.

Yixing eventually falls asleep, his head leaning against the window pane and his hands fell slack, Joonmyeon played with his brother's fingers, somehow, all of this felt right.  Joonmyeon watches the sleeping face of Yixing, again. He had learned how to find peace within himself just by staring at Yixing.

 His chest rises heavily and went down easily and Joonmyeon's eyes closed shut as the soft beams of sliver rays came pouring down on the brothers gentle features. Another phase of Joonmyeon's memories starts disappearing as the night falls more silent.

•••

It was a snowy night 19 years back, the brothers were spending Christmas with their parents. Presents were exchanged, carols were sung.

Young Yixing and Joonmyeon ripped the bright colour wrapping paper eagerly, expecting a toy. But much to their annoyance, it was a notepad. "Mother, father." Yixing exclaims, but Joonmyeon just stares at the notepad with a sad expression as he gazed upwards at his parents who still had a mask of coldness on, despite the warm occasion.

"What? Disappointed?" Their mother asks and clucks her tongue. Shaking her head, she squats to lower herself to their eye level. She takes the book from Yixing's tiny hands and flips it open.

An empty page was seen; the two just stare at their mother absently. "Yixing, Joonmyeon. I want the both of you to fill up this notepad. You can write about anything and everything. At least, it is much better than watching aimless TV shows." Their mother sighs and then returns the notepad to the hands of Yixing.

All of a sudden, Yixing hugs the notepad and smiles," Thank you." Joonmyeon was taken aback by his brother's behaviour. Normally, Yixing would throw a petty tantrum until his parents gave him what he wanted.

Yixing then walks towards Joonmyeon, his lips close to the elder's ears. "Hyung, I will write about you and me every day." He whispers gently before pulling away and flashing his dimple.

Joonmyeon looks at him, nodding mutely. Soon, both of their originally empty and clean notepad was filled with messy scrawls but beautiful words and written notepads decorated and made over were exchanged as presents for Christmas between the brothers.

But, this starts disappearing too.

•••

As the seconds ran, days flew past and Joonmyeon's lifespan shortens. He felt weaker by each passing hour and avoids Yixing when his memory starts to forget things he was suppose to remember. It was just two days ago when Joonmyeon needed to find the remote control, but he mistook the cup for it. Joonmyeon ends up dropping the cup,