Oh Sehun.

Wu Shixun.

Oh Sehun in Hanja letters could be read as Wu Shixun in Chinese.

Luhan wants to laugh, but he couldn’t. He can’t even cry.

He felt numb.

Empty.

===

When he wakes up into the white boring ceiling of what seems like hospital’s room and the scent of disinfectant, Luhan remembers one time when both he and Kris were alone in the house, staring at the PlayStation in front of them in boredom.

“We need another brother.” Kris said out of nowhere.

Luhan chuckled at him. “Ask father.”

“Nah. He’s too busy.”

“Then let’s adopt a brother!”

“Geez, I want a brother that looks similar with me!”

“But I don’t look similar with you.”

“You’re an exception, Zihan. You’re adorable so you’re qualified as my brother.”

Luhan casted a horrified look before he threw a pillow towards Kris. “You and your weird statements.”

“But admit it, Zihan, it would be nice to have one more brother, right?” Kris said, eyes gleaming in excitement. “We could baby him, we can walk him to school and beat all the brats who tried to bully him, we can help him do his homeworks, we can buy him ice creams, we can teach him all out favorite games, everything! It would be so exciting to have a baby brother!”

Laughing in glee, Luhan nodded like a mental person. “You’re right!” he squeals. “But you know, Yifan, you sounded like you want to be a father instead of a brother.”

Kris laughed harder before he calms down. “I just want a brother that I could take care of. We’re both at the same age, so we practically take care of each other. I want a brother who can depend on me a lot, who will do aegyo whenever he ask something from me, who will cry on me and tell me what made him upset.”

“You should get a lover instead then.”

“Wu Zihan, you’re so dead.”

“But you’re right. I wish we have a baby brother.”

Then he remembers a piece of lyric from Chris Daughtry’s ‘Home’. The lyric never seemed harmful for him. Not until now. It ridiculously hit him, making him laugh bitterly.

‘Be careful what you wish for, ‘cause you just might get it all and then some you don’t want’

===

Before he fell asleep again, Luhan remembers a few snippets of his memories with Sehun.

Like that one time when they gazed at each other lovingly, without any single word.

Or that time when they kissed on the rooftop of the office building.

Or that time when they also kissed in the kitchen of Sehun’s apartment.

And their make out session afterwards.

That one time when Luhan watches the sunrise from the balcony of Sehun’s apartment too, his body was so tiny in Sehun’s arms.

Also that one time when Sehun said ‘I love you’ in such a way that made his heart goes racing and the very next second they’re on Sehun’s bed again.

That time when he realized that Sehun really loves him because the latter puts up with all of his weirdness – the love is so crystal clear in the younger’s eyes.

And that time when he realized that he really loves Sehun because Sehun is Sehun.

Luhan spends fifteen minutes throwing up in the bathroom.

===

 Sehun’s birthday is 12^th April, just eight days before him.

But he finds himself mute when Sehun is around. He couldn’t even bring himself to say ‘hi’ to Sehun. How is he supposed to greet his half brother and say ‘happy birthday’?

“Good morning, Lu.” Kris says, holding the milk filled glass cup in his right hand as if he’s drinking a damn wine. Luhan tried to flash a smile, but he ends up giving out an awkward one instead.

“Oh, Zihan!” he almost cringed over his father’s enthusiasm when he walks into the dining room. The old man is sitting at the corner of the dining table. Kris took the space at the right side, while Sehun sits comfortably across Kris. Right, Sehun has been living there for four days already after a series of begs from their father and Kris’ persuasions.

It’s way too obvious that Luhan chooses the seat next to Kris’.

“It’s Shixun’s birthday, Zihan. Have you greeted him?” Kris then concluded that his father is pretty dense sometimes. The old man is kind of oblivious towards the awkwardness between Luhan and Sehun.

Luhan gulped before he speaks up without looking up. “Happy birthday.”

When he looks up, he’s met with Sehun’s unreadable gaze. A tiny smile plays along Sehun’s lips. “Thanks.”

Then they proceed to the conversation about Sehun’s first birthday party with his family; the conversation actually consists of their father being so excited, Sehun being the nice son as he agrees with everything his father said, Kris pretending to be just as excited as his father is, and Luhan staring at his breakfast lifelessly.

Sunday morning passes by rather quickly, and Luhan wonders why the luck is not on him these days, because as he stands alone in the middle of the garden at the back of their house, he found Sehun coming towards him.

“Hi.” the man said.

“… hi.” Luhan replies too awkwardly.

“The birthday dinner will be held in the house. Funny we spent the whole breakfast talking about it.” Sehun is obviously trying to lighten up the atmosphere between them.

Luhan nodded slowly, forcing a smile. “Great. It’s the best, I think.”

“Me too.” Sehun nodded along. “I don’t want some kind of fancy dinner in – “

“How would you address me now?” suddenly Luhan asks. And the question obviously had caught Sehun off-guard, because the latter is practically staring in shock at him. “How would you call me?”

“Lu, don’t be like this.”

“Did father say anything about it? He should’ve told you my real name, right? Did he tell you to call me by it now?”

“Luhan, what are you – “

“Tell me,” Luhan asks blindly, “tell me what did father ask you to call me with.”

Sehun’s eyes are not unreadable anymore. The pain is too vivid for Luhan to see. He realizes it by now; both of them are hurting. Sehun is just coping with it better than him.

“Gege.” Sehun says softly. “Zihan ge.”

Luhan spun around and ran away, tears running down his face.

===

It’s afternoon in Monday, and Luhan doesn’t really remember how he got there, standing before the railing at the side of the Han River. The nostalgic heat of summer air engulfs him as he stares over the calm surface of the water, gleaming under the sunlight. He had thought he could use some free time to be just alone. Without Kris constantly asking if he’s fine. Without Yixing treating him like a broken glass. Without Sehun being there in front of him.

But the consequence of being alone is that he will start to think about a lot of things. Mostly the things are referred to Sehun. Sehun, Sehun and Sehun. He thinks about Sehun staring at him longingly this morning. Sehun handing him a cup of hot cappuccino. Sehun staring blankly through the window of the lounge. Sehun being his half brother. Sehun being unreadable yet obvious at the same time. Sehun being his one and only love. Sehun being his own source of pain. Sehun, Sehun, and again, Sehun.

He wanted to regret everything; meeting Sehun in the first place, falling in love with Sehun carelessly, or even just being there in the world only to meet Sehun. He wanted to regret everything that happened, but he couldn’t bring himself to it. He would never be able to regret that he had fallen in love with the said man.

Yet, no matter how much he loves Sehun, he couldn’t ignore the pain either. It’s there everytime he put a hand over his chest where his heart beats. It’s painful. Too painful. He wonders how he could still be standing properly like this while he feels everything crumbles inside him.

And just why it feels so painful? Is it because even fate forbids him to be with Sehun in the way he wants them to? Is it because the love between them is forbidden?

All he knows that it’s painful. So painful that he has been producing a lot of tears lately. Like this moment. The tears are already flowing down, and sooner the choked sobs will erupt. Luhan hates to cry. It results him a headache. But if he doesn’t cry, then he doesn’t know what else he could do to prevent himself from jumping off the railing towards the river in front of him.

He cries and cries.

===

Let’s never come back to the world as love

Bury those words I longed for in this unfinished love

===

“Lu,”

Squeezing his burning eyes before he slowly opens them, Luhan tries to recognize who’s actually laying next to him, staring right at him.

He then realizes that it’s Sehun.

“What,” Luhan slurred lazily, “what, Sehun?”

A warm smile painted Sehun’s lips, and Luhan feels bubbly sensation inside him. “Happy birthday.” Sehun whispers at him before he plants a soft, sweet kiss on Luhan’s forehead.

Luhan squint his eyes. Was he having a nightmare? Maybe it was really nightmare. He remembers dreaming about his father being home and Sehun being his brother. What a funny nightmare. “Thank you.” Luhan grinned sheepishly. What is more beautiful than this? Having your lover to be the very first person who greets you on your birthday.

“Yifan ge said that you hate to be woken up by midnight just to be given a surprise thingy in your birthday, so father said we should wait by the morning to give you your cake.” Sehun says, still with a smile.

Then everything inside him crumbles down again. Hell, it wasn’t a nightmare. Sehun is really his half brother. Maybe he wants to deny the truth so much that he forgets.

“Yeah.” Luhan murmured. “Then, what are you doing here?”

Sehun shrugged. “Can I be next to you for a while?”

“I’m always around. What’s the difference – “

“The one who has been around is Zihan, my brother.” Sehun says nonchalantly, before he turns at Luhan again and stares right through the latter’s irises. “This moment, I want to be with Luhan, the person I had grown to love so much.”

Luhan feels half of the air inside his lungs escaped.

“I’m sorry for everything, Luhan.” Sehun whispers gently, the pad of his thumb caresses Luhan’s cheek like a fluttering feather. “I’m so sorry for everything that happened. I’m so sorry that we couldn’t be together. I’m so sorry for being your half brother. I’m so sorry for causing you so much pain. I’m so sorry.” His thumb shifts away to wipe the tears right below Luhan’s eyes. “You cried so much because of me. I’m so sorry.”

“No,” Luhan replies with a broken voice, “nothing is your fault, Sehun. It’s no one’s fault.”

“Can I be your Sehun again for now? Just until the sun rises. Can we be just lovers Luhan and Sehun until then? By the morning we will be brothers Zihan and Shixun again. What do you say?”

Luhan stares in confusion at him.

“When the sun rises,” Sehun whispers, “we will be brothers forever. Right now is the last time for us to be lovers. Please agree with me, Luhan.”

In the end, all that Luhan could do is to nod slowly before he lets Sehun to lean forward and kiss him full on the lips. The kiss itself tastes like longing, love, rush, need, and the familiar salty substance he had spent too much lately.

It’s not even shocking for Luhan to find both of them under the blanket an hour later. And it feels so wrong at the moment, yet it feels ing right too. It feels so wrong for being in the kind of situation with his half brother, but it feels so right to have Sehun caressing his every now and then, stealing pecks on his slightly sweaty forehead occasionally, and him clinging on Sehun’s arms with his entire soul. As if Sehun will disappear into foams if he doesn’t hold him properly.

“Please be happy, Lu.” Sehun’s voice is a little bit raspy, but warm. “You have so much in your future. And you deserve to be happy. Live a bright life; find a nice person to love. And maybe you need a background check when you do.” both of them chuckled warily. “Get married and have kids. By then we will sit together and watch your kids playing with Yifan ge’s. We will talk about your married life if you’re comfortable with that. Then your kid will come to me and do aegyo at me because he wants to sit on my lap. I will be a devoted uncle who is too infatuated with his nephews.” he pauses with a sigh. “Live happily, Luhan. Without me.”

Luhan shook his head as he buries his face against Sehun’s bare chest. He shook his head again furiously. “You’re throwing me away.” he murmured.

“No,” Sehun murmured, “no, love. I might am letting you go, but I’m not throwing you away. I’m setting you free from me.”

“Don’t you love me anymore?”

“Letting you go doesn’t make me love you less.” Sehun kissed Luhan’s forehead a little bit too long than Luhan had expected. “I love you, Luhan, I love you so much. I love you in every possible way I could.”

Helplessly, Luhan cried himself to sleep, tiny and weak in Sehun’s arms.

By the time Luhan opens his eyes again, he’s all alone, but the strong scent that Sehun left at the side of the bed next to him keeps him in track with the memory of hours before. And he cries again.

He swears that it will be the last time of him crying.

Maybe he should try to be happy. That way, maybe Sehun will be happy too.

===

“It’s already seven.” Yixing eyes the clock on the wall before him murderously. “I swear I’ll break their skulls open if we have to hold the party to eight because they’re late to bring the cake in.”

“Whose idea was it to get another cake?”

“Everyone, duh.” Yixing rolls his eyes at Luhan. “They’re buying the party cake.”

“What’s the difference with the one in the fridge right now?”

“Luhan, can you just please keep your mouth still and try not to make me more stressed? I’ve been trying to call Kris but that bastard just won’t – “ as if in cue, Yixing’s phone rings through the silence of Luhan’s bedroom. “Just in time.” he fishes out the device and swiped over the screen. “Where the hell are you?”

Luhan had thought Yixing will go ballistic on his fiancé and starts throwing empty yet not so empty threats, but his feeling sinks when he watches Yixing’s face turns serious and hard. “Kris, slow down, I can’t comprehend you – Kris? Breathe first. Honey, honey? Breathe. Now tell me what happened.” Yixing’s eyes widen. “What??” he gasps before he eyes the now nervous Luhan. “Which hospital?” Yixing asks through the phone. Hospital? “We’ll be there in thirty minutes. Now I need you to be calm, Kris, and just sit down, try to calm down, okay? I love you. Bye.”

There’s no need for Luhan to ask what happened, because the question is written all over his face and Yixing beats him to answer it. “They were involved in a car crash. Kris is fine, only scratches on his arms and a bruise on his head, but Sehun,”

Luhan suddenly feels the sinking sensation again.

“he’s still in the ER. Kris said he had it pretty bad.”

===

Luhan spends four days chanting words of begs for Sehun to wake up.

“I’ll move on. We’ll forget, we’ll move on, I promise. Just, please… Sehun, wake up… please.”

===

But Sehun never does.

===

How to make yourself fall out of love?

Luhan asks that again and again as he stares at Sehun’s unmoving body. At the moment, Sehun’s comatose state seems so much better than this. At least he was still breathing even though unconscious. But now, not even a single air made into and out of the man’s still body. The pale shade of skin has become paler since thirty minutes ago. Next to the hospital bed where Sehun rests is their father, gazing brokenly at his now a goner son. The old man only had a month to get to be with his long lost son who he had become to adore. Next to their father is Kris, band aid still attached on his forehead, and Yixing has been there to calm the man down. Kris never cried so much for someone he only got to know for months. But it’s his own brother, full sibling by blood. And an angelic one who had treated him warmly like the best brother in the world would do. Of course Kris would cry a river.

Maybe it sounds possible to make yourself fall in love, but is it possible to make yourself fall out of love? People could learn how to love a thing they never acknowledged before, but could people learn to feel nothing towards a thing they had loved so much?

Not even a single tear could be found on Luhan’s face. He doesn’t cry. He only stares blankly at Sehun’s lifeless body, and silently he admires how Sehun could look so peaceful as if he’s only sleeping. It’s like his face could scrunch up at any second and then he’ll open his eyes. But no. Yixing has been occasionally talking through his phone, setting up the things for funeral. Sehun is really gone.

Forcing yourself to fall in love is hard, it is true. It’s hard to make it feels real, not because you’re obliged to do it. But forcing yourself to fall out of love is a whole different thing. It is a lot harder. You can’t just stop loving something you had loved so much. You can’t just let go of something you’ve been holding on to.

Before he suddenly loses his consciousness and fell, Luhan wonders if he could still feel a knife stabbing through his heart, because he feels so empty, so numb.

===

I hope a love that is too painful

Was not love from the start

===

“Welcome back, Lu.”

He recalls one of the oddest things he could recall after he woke up from a deep sleep. Back in 2003, there was this Korean movie titled ‘The Classic’. Both he and Kris were seventeen that time, and he doesn’t remember anymore how they ended up watching the movie. Maybe it was Aunt Xue who made them to watch it. But because they were clueless seventeen years old boys, they only stared weirdly at Aunt Xue who cried her heart out when both of the main starts met again in some sort of café after being separated for long.

“You’re okay sitting like that? You’ve been out for two days, actually. You kind of missed the funeral. Okay that wasn’t supposed to be mentioned. I mean, well, I think I should inform father and Doctor Huang. Oh, you remember Zitao, Dr. Huang’s son? He stopped by and said hi. He’s already an intern here, a young doctor. Amazing, right?”

He watched the movie in 2008 again, and although he finally understood the movie, he became intrigued by the famous OST song. It was sung by a senior singer named Kim Kwangseok. The Korean title of the song is painfully long, but it was translated to Chinese in the movie as ‘a love that is too painful is not love’. Finding the title to be weird, Luhan didn’t make any attempt to get to know about the song better, although he randomly hums its melody occasionally.

“I… don’t know what I should say to you now, bro. Seriously. So I’ll just… say, um, get well soon. Father has been worried sick. And I’m… sorry, Luhan. I know, it wasn’t anyone’s fault, but still, I was with him at the very last second. I can’t help but to feel like a murderer now. I’m… so sorry.”

Then in early this year, Yixing was spazzing over a famous young Korean singer named Ailee made a great and heart breaking cover of the very same song. Luhan searched it up in Youtube, and he wondered how the girl could sing the song so painfully. He didn’t even understand a single bit about the lyrics – he was thinking about asking it to Sehun but he found himself being ridiculous so nah –, but the girl sang it with feelings, and he was stuck with that. So he finally downloaded the girl’s version of the song and searched for the English translation of the lyrics. And he was stunned. The emotion in the song is poetical yet so raw. It apparently tells about someone who’s trying to forget his or her love after the person had let go of the one he or she loved. He even repeated the same sentence a few times which is like the key of the song and also the title, ‘I hope a love that is too painful was not love from the start’.

Still, Luhan didn’t get it yet. A love that is too painful was not love from the start? Won’t it still be love once it was called as love? Wouldn’t it always be called as love even if it’s painful? Luhan didn’t understand it that time.

“I’ll go now to father and Dr. Huang.” Kris tries to smile, and it looks wary. “Glad to have you back, Lu.” he whispers as he stands up, brushing the nonexistence dust on his shirt and walks out of the room. The atmosphere is too suffocating. Luhan hasn’t been talking ever since he opened his eyes minutes ago.

Then the door creaks open again, only to reveal Kris’s face once more. Tired eyes linger at Luhan, or technically, at something next to Luhan. Kris seems like he’s thinking about something pretty hardly, then he decides not to be too paranoid and leaves again. Luhan, being too observant for his own good, eventually looks at where Kris was looking at. He then found a white box on the bedpost.

He was and also wasn’t shocked to see that the simple plain white coated box contains a few stacks of Polaroid photos. There is himself in the picture that came first in sight. He then spreads all of them on the bed sheet in front of him, only to find his face is in every single photo. There’s him eating, smiling unconsciously, walking, spacing out, there are even few photos of his back sight too. Then he remembers how Sehun was like psycho paparazzi with VIP pass around an idol, taking pictures of him in the most unexpected moments.

He picks one which has himself staring blankly straight to the camera in it. He would’ve chuckled if it was just another day of him and Sehun sitting on the couch in Sehun’s apartment. But he finds no strength to even stretch the corners of his lips. He still feels empty. The emptiness has been starting to overwhelm him.

He throws the photo away, only to realize a few seconds later that the back side of the photo which is supposed to be a plain blank white space has some words written on it. He picks up the previous photo again to read them.

‘2013.12.25

He looks like a lost Christmas deer here

Luhan is the cutest living creature on earth

I might like him, I might not

And I might choose the first option

Merry Christmas, Luhan’

Blinking in airy shock, he puts down the photo and starts flipping every single picture upside down, and hundreds or even thousands of words stare back at him. Every picture has writing on its back side. However, as he eventually realizes, some of them are kind of stained by a liquid or substance, the words are smudged but still illegible. He picks one randomly, with the stains, and reads again.

‘2014.03.09

He loves hotpot so much

I envy the hotpot though

He did a great job in the latest meeting

Why do I feel like a proud father? Haha

Congratulations, beautiful’

He flips the picture and finds a portrait of him hovering over the hotpot bowl, eyes looking wild and murderous over the steaming food. He remembers that one, he remembers Sehun laughed after he took the first spoonful of the food into his mouth and moaned. He remembers both of them having a fun time. He remembers Sehun smiling so widely at him. And he finally starts to feel something. It’s the familiar pain on his chest. Right where his heart is beating.

He starts picking up random pictures and reads them slowly, sinking into his own little world. Each picture the air out of his lungs as he tries so hard to hold back the sobs. Sehun took pictures of him in the oddest time, but they give out the feeling that Sehun took them with love. It’s like Sehun treasures him the most and wants to mortify him in pictures so his treasure would be eternal.

However, he stops on a picture for too long only to reread the words on it all over again. He flips it and stares at the photo of his back, it was taken from a distance. In the picture, he’s leaning on the railing of the Han River. His shoulder is hunched forward. He couldn’t help but think that he seemed so pathetic even from the back.

‘2014.04.14

He looks beautiful when he smiles

But here, he was crying

And I have no courage to wipe

his tears away anymore

It hurts me more than I am

the reason behind it

Smile, Luhan

You look the prettiest when you do’

Finally, Luhan cries for the first time ever since Sehun’s death. And he thinks that maybe he understands the song now.

I hope a love that is too painful

Was not love from the start

===

‘2014.01.03

He smiles over the snow

I never saw such a beautiful smile like his

I like you, Luhan

A little too much for just a simple liking

I might had fallen in love with you

But love is such a strong word, isn’t it?’

‘2013.11.12

This guy’s name is Luhan

I accidentally took a pic of him

He said I look like his brother

And I kind of agreed with him when I

saw Kris Wu myself

Anyway, this guy is cute

But he might beat my if I said it

out loud at him’

‘2014.02.05

You’re beautiful, Luhan’

‘2014.01.28

He fell asleep on his desk

Today he said he likes me

I said I like him too in the same way

We’re kind of a thing now

I’m scared that I’m not enough

for him

But being with him is perfect’

‘2014.02.25

He looks cute in my shirt

He told me about his parents

I’m so sorry for him

He said I could see things he

doesn’t see

I said he does the same too

We complete each other

He’s my destiny, I know it’

‘2014.04.03

I’m sorry

Luhan, I’m sorry

I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m

sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sor

ry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry

I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m

sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sor

ry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry

I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m

sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sor

ry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry

I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m’

‘2014.03.11

Luhan cooks well

He cleans up well too

He woke me up this morning

And it makes me wonder how it

would be to live together

with him

It makes me think that I could

actually live a happy life with him

If I ask him to marry me,

will he say yes?’

‘2014.03.27

Lu Han, my beautiful lover

Lu Han, my own sunshine

Lu Han, my happiness

Lu Han, my first and last love

Lu Han, my one and only

Wu Zihan, my half brother’

‘2014.02.28

He doesn’t believe when I said

that he looks cute eating Big Mac

He asked why I took pictures of him

I didn’t tell him

I took pictures of him just in case

someday we have to part and I

need something to remind me that

I’ll still love him no matter what

I love you so much, Luhan’

‘2014.04.12

He walks away crying

All I’ve ever done lately was

making him cry

If only I’ve never born, maybe

Luhan won’t be suffering like

this now

I’m so sorry, Luhan’

‘2014.04.20

Happy Birthday, Luhan

This will be the last photo I

took of you

I’m trying to let you go now

I’m stepping out of your life

Please be happy without me

If you’re happy, then I am too

I loved you

I still love you now

And I’ll love you forever’

Yehet! !AU because I can nyahahaha

Or maybe not?