Ailee – 너무 아픈 사랑은 사랑이 아니었음을

Click the sentence above to open the song. It’s like, the base of this fic.

The translation of the lyrics will be revealed eventually with the Italic lines along the story.

Must.Hear.The.Song.

Seriously. I recommend you.

After letting you go far away, like saying goodbye to the autumn birds

After letting you go, when I come back and sit in front of my shot glass

Will my tears be shared?

===

When Luhan first met Sehun in the beginning of autumn, the very first thing he thought about was that the boy looks like his half brother who was currently in Canada.

But then he wasn’t really. Maybe it was because he missed his brother so much. Kris has been too busy in Van Cover because of their father’s commands, leaving his fiancé Yixing to cling on Luhan a lot. Maybe it was just a reason of him to say something out of the awkwardness between them. However, Luhan stupidly voiced out his thoughts when Sehun asked if there was something wrong on his face that made the older stared at him too long that he should.

“You look like my brother.”

“… oh.”

Shortly to say, Luhan and Sehun’s first encounter was not romantic or magical like those in sappy romance stories.

===

Oh Sehun is twenty five, a newbie in architecture world, but a brilliant and quite famous one in it. He was already famous even in his college days. His exceptional talent brought him across the sea from Seoul to Beijing. Wu Enterprise called him personally and asked him to join their upcoming project, and he said he was more than pleased, although it sounded like his voice didn’t agree with his words.

Lu Han or rather Luhan – as how people likes to call his name in one go – is the boss of the representative who called the young architect. He had seen the handful data of the said man, having a lot of achievements in such a young age, and then he agreed with his father for hiring the Oh boy to work with their upcoming project. His father likes challenges and surprises. He had hoped he hadn’t taken that side of the said old man. Why can’t he be like Kris, his half brother? Said man lives with steady plans, following the rules to his best that he could actually tell what he should expect in the end. It’s like Kris planned his whole twenty nine years of living. The only unreadable thing in the man’s life is his fiancé, Zhang Yixing. Maybe everyone has always been right; Kris has their father’s face while Luhan was inherited with the old man’s traits.

Sehun, Luhan had concluded by two weeks of meeting the man occasionally, is quite similar with him. Oh Sehun also like new things, exploring them, meeting what he didn’t expect in the first place. Maybe that’s the only thing that made Luhan has the interest in talking to the young architect. Seriously, they’re four years apart, but it seems like Sehun had lived twice Luhan’s lifetime. Or in a more meaningful way, it seems like Sehun had a lot in his life, unlike Luhan who had everything served in front of him since he was kid.

Not that Luhan wants to pry the latter’s private life, though. But he’s as curious as hell.

Because there must be something behind that stoic face Sehun always wear around everybody. There must be something behind his monotone voice. There must be something behind the way he limited his words to everyone. There must be something behind those cold eyes. There must be something, and Luhan is just too observant and curious to let it go.

“I had concluded that you would stare at me more than thirty seconds everytime we meet.” Sehun said to him one day. The fingers of his right hand wrapped around the cup of warm take-out coffee, while his left hand is holding a plastic that contains two bagels inside. Both of them are standing at the front of a coffee shop, welcoming the chilly air of early winter, warm breaths blends with it resulting white steams as they talk.

Luhan sends him a playful horror look in reply. “You counted??” It’s always like this after a month and two weeks of working together. Luhan would throw light jokes and Sehun will reply it monotonously. Weird, but it’s comfortable for them.

Sehun just shrugs. “Couldn’t help it. Won’t you find it creepy if someone stares at you more than he should be?”

“Well, do you find me creepy?”

“Not really.” Sehun says. “I just want to know why.”

“I’m curious of you.” Luhan says bluntly. “I tend to want to explore everything.”

“Including me?”

“Including you.”

“What do you want to know about me?”

“A lot. Like why did you agree to work with us.” Luhan hummed as he pointed at Sehun’s chest. “Or why do you always carry that Polaroid camera around but never use it, as what I saw everytime we’re together. Or why are you so good at Chinese even though you’re Korean. Or why are you so silent when it seems like you have a lot to say. Or why do you never smile, at least around me. Or why do you stick around me when it seems like you don’t really like noisy people. Or why are you staring at me like that. Why are you staring at me like that?”

And unexpectedly, Sehun smiled at him. Like, really smiled. A small one, but a real one too. So real that Luhan froze as Sehun speaks up.

“I agreed to work with Wu Enterprise because I always want to go out of Seoul since nothing holds me there anymore. I carry this camera around because there are certain interesting things I want to capture in case they disappear quickly after I found them. I’m good at Chinese because I’ve learnt it since God knows when. I do have a lot to say but sometimes it’s tiring to try to get people see what I see, so I choose to shut up. You’re actually wrong,” he paused, while a small grin appeared, “I’m actually smiling at you right now. I’m not a smiley person, I guess. I do hate noisy people, but you’re not noisy, you just have a lot to say and you’re observant, and you talk about things that had volume in it, not some empty trashes. I stick around you because I’m comfortable with you. And I stared at you like I did because… maybe I just like your voice, or how your eyes shine as you speak.”

When Luhan wakes up from his daze, Sehun is waving his hand right on his face. His stomach feels funny. Why does it feel like this? Is it because of Sehun’s smile? Is it because Sehun said that he likes his voice and his eyes?

Luhan couldn’t sleep at the night.

===

After letting you go forever, when I see the starlight

The unfinished days, the painful love that flow down along my tears

Will I be able to erase them?

===

By the third month, Yixing breaks the truth for him.

“You’re in love, Lulu.”

That makes Luhan shots his best friend a horrified look. “I am not!”

“Geez, such a disgusting teenager in denial.” Yixing rolls his eyeballs as he nudged his fiancé, who’s reading something on his smartphone. “Tell him the truth.”

“You’re in love, Lu.” Kris says monotonously.

“What?? Not you too!!” Luhan throws a piece of potato chip towards his brother on the couch. When it landed on the navy blue sweater Kris is wearing, Yixing picks it up and eats it, creating obnoxious munching sound.

“Serious, Lulu, you’ve been talking about that Korean boy for months! And you guys have been hanging out together a lot recently. If you don’t have a plan of luring him to your apartment and murder him with an axe, then you’re in love with him. And I bet with two keys to my new condominiums in Taipei that he’s in love with you too.”

“You just brought two condominiums?” Kris finally looks up from his phone and stares at his fiancé.

Yixing waves his hand on him. “My father’s card. I was angry with him so I brought two condos and another Rubicon to piss him off. An orange Rubicon, I might add. Anyway, Lulu,” he turns to Luhan again, “just accept it, sweetie pie. What’s so wrong of falling in love?”

“What are you going to do with the black and white one?” Kris asks excitedly. “Can I have the black one?”

“I don’t know.” Luhan sighs heavily. “Love never seems like a good idea to me.”

That makes Yixing softened. “Luhan, love is never a good idea to anyone. But love is a great idea at the same time too.”

And Luhan thinks that he might agree with his best friend. Maybe he could have a chance in love. Just because his parents are screwed up, doesn’t mean he will have the same too.

But he’s too afraid to fall in love with Sehun. He’s afraid that he would get hurt when he finds out that Sehun doesn’t feel the same way.

“Just go with the flow, Lu.”

===

Third month and half, he learnt something about Sehun.

“My mother was the only one I could trust.” the architect says, eyes following the movements of the falling snowflakes outside the window of Luhan’s office room.

“Was?” Luhan asked quietly.

Sehun nodded. “Was.”

“What happened?”

“Well, one of the reasons is that she died. At the beginning of summer this year.”

A stifled gasp escaped Luhan’s lips. “I’m so sorry to hear that.”

“It’s fine.” Sehun chuckled. Yep, Oh Sehun has been smiling a lot lately. Ever since that day Luhan asked why he never smile around him. “She was the only thing that holds me in Seoul, or in my life technically. When she left, I found no reason to stay there, for I will only feel emptier to be in the same place but without her around. So I gladly accepted the offer to be in Beijing.”

Luhan could see the pain flashes through Sehun’s eyes. His hand reached up, patting Sehun’s shoulder gently. “You’re doing just fine.”

A smile crept on Sehun’s thin lips. “Thanks.”

“But then, what is the other reason?” Luhan asks in attempt to brighten up the mood.

Sehun didn’t say anything for a while before he turns to Luhan. “Well, the other reason is, I met you.”

“… me?”

“Yeah, you.” Sehun nodded, small grin created. “I didn’t like to be around you at first. You were noisy, blunt, and you speak up what came first in your mind. But then I learnt that you also have a lot of things that you chose wisely not to say. I think that’s what makes you trustworthy; you know what to say out and what to keep inside for the sake of everyone.”

“I…” Luhan blinks dumbly. “Whoa, I never see myself like that.”

“Well then it’s time for you to do so.” Sehun says softly afterwards. “You’re an amazing person, Luhan. And you should see yourself like that.”

Maybe it’s because of the warmth in Sehun’s eyes that have been showing a lot lately for him. Maybe it’s because Luhan was so overwhelmed with Sehun’s words about him. Maybe it’s because Sehun’s words only make his feelings to grow stronger. Maybe it’s because he has been dying to say the thing and curious if Sehun feel the same. Or maybe Luhan is just too blunt for his own good.

“I like you, Sehun.”

Sehun blinks at him.

“I really like you. That kind of ‘like’. You know what I mean, right?”

The answer didn’t come after fifteen seconds later.

Because in the fifteen seconds, Sehun use his lips to press against Luhan’s gently. The gleam in Sehun’s eyes and the grin that came out after they parted is enough for Luhan to confirm Sehun’s answer even before he said it.

“I really like you too. That kind of ‘like’. You know what I mean, right?”

“Y-you copied me!!”

===

Memories like the falling rain scattered on the street

As I become a lonely person and hang my head low

I hear your voice

===

“So you guys are half brothers?” Sehun asks.

Luhan nodded, eyes on Kris who’s talking with his secretary. “And we’re even at the same age.”

“Really? How could so??”

“I don’t even understand how father did it. We’re only seven months apart. I was born in April, he was born later in November. It was like father sneaked to my mother and ed her before he did it to Kris’ mother seven months later.” Luhan shook his head unconsciously.

“Wow.” Sehun muttered. “So, one of the mothers was… um…”

“A mistress. Yep. And it was my mother.” Luhan chuckled. “You could say it like that.”

“I don’t want to be rude.”

“But that’s the truth anyway.” Luhan shrugged. “They were screwed. Father met my mother after he was engaged with Kris’. Then they know that things couldn’t work between them, so they parted, my father married to Kris’ mother while mine has to carry me and stood by herself. She didn’t have the heart to ruin father’s marriage. She died right after she gave birth to me and my aunt took me in. However,” he waved when Kris’s eyes caught him, “when me and Kris were three, we entered the same daycare. Kris’ mother and my aunt met accidentally, and then father found out. s like TV dramas happened afterwards. Kris’ mother ran away to God knows where, leaving his son. Then father took me under his wing and raised both of us. Since then, Kris has been the only one I have. We both hated our father in different yet same ways.”

Luhan only realized then that Sehun has been drawing circles on the back of his hand to calm him down. Maybe Sehun saw the tears pooling on Luhan’s eyes even before they completely came out. “That’s why I never really want to do anything with love. It could screw some people in the cruelest way. If only my mother and father didn’t fall in love with each other, things would’ve been better now. Kris won’t have to lose his mother. I won’t have to ruin a family.”

“Nothing is your fault, Luhan. I believe Kris and your father think the same too.” Sehun says softly, warmth seeping through his voice. “Everything happens for a reason. If your parents never met, you wouldn’t be here, Kris would be alone and he would never met Yixing because you’re not there to introduce Yixing to him. Your father won’t have the best son he could ever ask for. We would never meet either. Right?”

Chuckling warily, Luhan eases his shoulder as he leans his head against Sehun’s broad shoulder, resting on it comfortably. “You always see something I couldn’t see.”

“Because you also see things I couldn’t. Like, we complete each other.” Sehun chuckles too. “Cheesy, I know.”

“No. I like it.”

They drown into a comfortable silence for a while before Sehun speaks up. “My mom was the only person I have in my life.”

Without looking up, Luhan blinks curiously. “Your father?”

“I… honestly don’t know.” Sehun says. “I never know anything about my father. Mom never told me, I never have the chance to really ask. I’ve wanted to ask a lot of times, but I end up failing to try because I don’t want to make her sad. I always thought it was some kind of one night stand, until months ago after my mother’s death. I went to her room to clean up her things, and then I found a box. Do you know what was inside?”

This time, Luhan looks up.

“A letter, from who’s possibly my father. It was sent in 1994, all in Chinese characters. That moment I finally understood why mom taught me Chinese ever since I could speak. Maybe it’s because mom still wanted to remember just a little bit of my biological father.” Sehun chuckled again.

“What was… in the letter?”

“Well, it contained a lot of pitiful words, of course. I found out about a few things from the letter. One, it wasn’t one night stand because the letter said ‘wife’ several times. Two, mom left her family for a reason that wasn’t mentioned in the letter. Three, I have an older brother who was in age of asking about his mother’s whereabouts that time. Four, no one knows I’m exist aside of my mom.”

Luhan hold his gasp. “You’re saying… that your father doesn’t even know he has you?”

“Yep.” Sehun smiled bitterly. “Maybe that time mom was carrying me but didn’t have the chance to tell my father about it. She left him before she could do so. Therefore, all he knows is that he has only one son. I don’t exist in his life.”

“Oh God,” Luhan breathed out before he pulled Sehun into his arms. All these time in his entire life, Luhan thought that he had too much of what fate could give. But Sehun is a lot worse than him. At least he knows what happened in his life, and he has his father and Kris to hold on to. But Sehun has always been alone with his mother, and then she left, and Sehun has to deal with the truth alone, without having the chance to ask his mother about it. “Oh God, Sehun, I’m so sorry to hear that.” he whispered, fingers running through Sehun’s dark brown locks.

“Hey, Lu, it’s fine.” Sehun chuckled, patting Luhan’s soulder gently. “Thank you for listening to it, though.”

“Can I ask you something?” Luhan felt Sehun nodded. “Did you accept our offer so you could be in Beijing and look for your father?”

There’s a silence before Sehun pulled away. “Well, at first I had planned to look for him. I had the address and the name too. I want to meet him. There’s so much I want to ask him. Like, what happened that mom had to leave, or why didn’t he come to take us home if he knew where we were. But then,” a warm smile crept on Sehun’s lips as he tapped his index finger gently on the tip of Luhan’s nose lovingly, “I met you.”

“What the hell?? Me again??”

“Yes. You. Always you.” Sehun laughed. “I met you, and fell in love with you along the way. Then I came to realize that the real reason I looked for my father was that I need someone to hold onto, someone that could hold me from leaving this life, and I desperately hoped he would be the one. But I found you instead. I finally found someone I could trust, someone I could lay my heart and life on. I know it sounds cheesy and stuffs, but that’s the truth.” Sehun’s gaze pierces through Luhan’s eyes. “You’re the only one I need, Lu.”

Again, Luhan didn’t realize he’s crying until he felt the pad of Sehun’s thumb swiping off the tear strain from his cheek. “But, why me?” he whispered.

Still smiling, Sehun shrugged. “I just love you that much.”

“You cheesy prick.” he scowled, and Sehun bursts in laughter. “I love you too, that much.”

===

It’s another lunch time, and they’re having greasy meal in McDonald’s when Luhan hears the familiar faint ‘click’ sound of Sehun’s Polaroid camera again.

“Seriously, you need to stop take a picture of me when I’m not even ready for it.”

“You look cute here.”

“Cute?? Eating Big Mac is cute?? You freaking moron.”

Sehun just fanned the Polaroid on his face. “You’re always cute for me.”

“ing cheesy prick.” Luhan huffs as he bites the burger again, watching surreptitiously as Sehun stares at the Polaroid in such a loving way. Oh Sehun needs to stop sending butterflies to his tummy, seriously. Everything he does only make Luhan fall harder for him.

Sehun uses his camera to take sudden portraits of blueprints or random buildings as inspirations. But lately he has been taking Luhan’s picture instead. He raises his camera in moments Luhan never expected, like when Luhan eats, or when Luhan yawns, when he lost in his daydreams, when he looks at Sehun for too long – because Sehun is just too good looking to be ignored – and other weird occasions. Luhan has never been pleased with it. Like, his face must be weird in every single picture Sehun took.

But if Luhan is curious to why Sehun never let him see the Polaroid photos, Luhan never shows it.

===

I hope a love that is too painful

Was not love from the start

===

By the second month of spring, a few suspicious things happen.

Luhan found out that Kris and Sehun has been meeting up behind his back. He tried to think about the possible reason, even up to the worse and the cheesiest one, but he couldn’t come up with anything relatable. He even accidentally found out from Kris’ secretary that both of them had went to Canada together for three days. He chose to stay dumb instead. If it’s his luck to find out, he will find out eventually.

Sehun has been distancing himself from him too. Not physically obvious, though. Luhan is just too observant. Sure, Sehun is always sweet and caring no matter what. But there are some times when he would find it awkward. Like how Sehun will look down after they kissed as if he’s in guilt or confusion, how Sehun will stare longingly at their joined hands, how it will take longer than it has been for Sehun to hug him before they separate for the night. Luhan is as curious as hell, but again, he doesn’t show it. He goes along with the flow instead, to see what Sehun is actually trying to do.

Kris has been missing a lot from home too. And when he comes home and Luhan asks where he has been, he will shook his head and said that Luhan shouldn’t worry about it. For God’s sake, Luhan is not that weird to be worried of a 29 years old guy but he’s really curious of Kris’ weird behavior. He actually even thought that Kris is dealing with drugs.

And the weirdest of the weirdest is today’s news.

“Father is coming back from Canada.”

“Huh? Is there any big project that he has to come?”

“No. He’s coming by his own will. He told me last night.”

Luhan almost dropped his spoon. “Say what??”

“Lu, it’s father who’s coming, not Elvis Presley.” Kris laughed. “Maybe he misses us.”

“No, Kris, Anthony Xavier Wu alias Wu Xiaolong won’t miss his sons too much that he has to fly from Canada to Beijing to see them. Seriously. Seriously!”

Kris laughed even louder. His half brother never failed to amuse him. “Well, Lu Han alias Wu Zihan, it’s natural for a father to miss his sons. Why are you treating it as some kind of alien invasion?”

“Because, Kris Wu alias Wu Yifan, father never misses us.” Luhan hissed, scooping his cereal harshly that the milk spills everywhere.

“Come on, Lu, father is not that bad.” Kris chuckled, playing with his own cereal. “He’s not the best father in the world, obviously, but he loves us not any less, and he’s still our father.”

Luhan blinks innocently at Kris before he leans against his seat. “Whoa, since when did you become so wise, Kris?”

“Since you fell from the balcony at second floor because you thought you were Superman’s side kick?”

“I ing hate you.”

Luhan knows too well that Kris knows something he doesn’t.

===

Turns out that he was wrong. The weirdest of the weirdest happens a few days after that.

They’re just simply talking under the blooming trees, pink petals falling above them, and the flowery scent at the air seeps through their noses. Hand in hand, steps matching with each other’s, and Sehun is being his talkative self as he usually did whenever he’s with Luhan.

Somewhere along the words, they end up staring at each other and Sehun gathered him in his arms.

“I wish I could hug you like this forever.” Sehun whispered to the top of his head. “I wish I could have you like this for the rest of my life.”

Luhan, being way too smart for his own good, concluded two things from the statement.

One, Sehun’s actually implying on living together with him. Which means maybe somewhere in the future they will be engaged, and then get married, and then build a family, growing old together.

Two, Sehun’s actually implying that he won’t be able to ‘have Luhan like this’ sooner.

===

When the wind passes my wet shoulders

When my exhaustion reflects in the window

I resent you

===

Anthony Wu is actually a warm person, Luhan knows.

Just like now, as he walks into the room. The old man’s eyes light up in happiness as he sees his ‘little deer’. His father stood up immediately, welcoming him into his arms.

“Oh God, Zihan,” one thing Luhan dislike from his father is that the old man calls him by his real name, “you’ve grown up so much. I can’t really tell by Skype, but now, you’re just,” Anthony paused to pull away and stare at his son, “I’m so proud of you. Both of you.”

Luhan, no matter how much he hates his father, will turn into a pool of goo when his father talk. “Father.” he breathes out.

“Yifan always informed me about your achievements. I’m so proud of you, Zihan, but can I tell you a thing?” Anthony says warmly.

Luhan nodded. “What is it, father?”

“It would be good to lessen your work a bit. Don’t let work eats you up. I’ve learnt it the hard way, son.” Anthony chuckles, patting his son on the shoulder. “But then maybe it was just me, not strong enough to do the right things I should’ve done. Anyway, sit down, son.”

“Where’s Kr – Yifan?” Luhan asks as he plopped down on the couch of his father’s home office. It hasn’t been touched by people for around five years. The maids did a great job in cleaning the room.

“He’s coming soon.” Anthony smiles. But there’s something in it. Luhan can’t really pinpoint, but he eventually concluded one thing.

Nervousness? Nah. Anthony Wu is never nervous, not even in front of his son. Everyone can be nervous because of him, but not himself.

“Son, what I’m going to say next, what will happen next, will make you hate me for real.” Anthony suddenly speaks up. “But I’m willing to take the risk, because you deserve the truth. You, Yifan, and your younger brother.”

Luhan nods along before he realized what his father just said. “Younger brother?”

“Jia Li,” Anthony starts off, “when she ran away from us, she was actually carrying our second child. You and Kris’ younger brother. He’s four years younger than both of you.”

A loud gasp escaped Luhan’s lips. “What… is that true??”

“Yes, son.”

“Then what happened to him? Where has he been all these time?”

“He… he lives such a hard life in Seoul.” he could tell from his father’s voice that the man is really in sorrow. “Jia Li had struggled to raise him alone. I’ve tried million times to get them back, but she insisted to stand alone. I could only know about him by letters. Thousands of letters. My son whom I only know by words. Shixun,” the old man paused, “his Chinese name is Wu Shixun.”

“Father, I’m sorry,” Luhan says breathlessly, “it’s not like I’m not glad of it, but it’s just too overwhelming for me.”

“I know, son, I know, and I’m so sorry for that.” Anthony looks up at his son. “But I could only beg you to accept him no matter what. He’s still your brother.”

“Of course, of course,” Luhan nodded furiously, “I’m just thinking about what Yifan will do with this.”

“He already knew, Zihan. In fact, he was the one who brought Shixun to me.”

“He knows???”

“Yes, he knows. He wanted to tell you, but I told him I want to do it myself. Don’t be mad at him, okay?”

Luhan slumps down into the couch with dazed look. “Fine… I guess.”

That actually explained Kris’ MIA acts these days. He just couldn’t imagine how Kris is feeling about all of the fiasco. Kris must be so shocked and overwhelmed, yet he still smiles to Luhan as if nothing happened. It makes him saluted Kris even more.

But Kris’ face is so pale when he appears thirty minutes after that.

“Um, Lu – Zihan,” Kris said before he gulped, “father told you about our brother, right?”

“Yes. And I’m so sorry for not being there for you. You could’ve told me, we could’ve faced it together.” Luhan put a hand on Kris’ shoulder.

Kris gulped again, paler than he was before. “That’s… the thing, Luhan.” he forgot to use Luhan’s real name in front of their father. “I… I couldn’t bring myself to tell you.”

“Why? Because you were scared that I will be mad to father?”

“No. Not that.”

“Then why?”

Kris looks down before he painfully stares at his half brother again. “I’m so sorry, Luhan.” he trembles as he whispers that.

Luhan stares at his half brother, eyes widened as he watched Kris took a few steps back and gestured at someone to come in. And in the split of second, his tummy churned. Uncomfortable feelings eat him from inside, pulling him in nausea.

“Shixun!” he hears his father called.

When the said ‘Shixun’ walks into the room, he finds a pair of too familiar eyes filled with unreadable emotions, and Luhan felt the air escaped his lungs before he’s met with black. All black.

===

I hope a love that is too painful

Was not love from the start

I hope it wasn’t love from the start

===

Cliff-hanging because I can pffftt

Not really that cliff-hanging tho.