Life or Death

When Jongin wakes up, the sun isn’t there to shine on his face and force him awake in the morning. Instead, the clouds loom outside the hospital window, the sky not as vibrant as he had originally remembered. All the medical equipment is now detached from his body, a change of clothes lie on the table not too far away from him, and he’s thinking that it’s still a bit too early to be awake.

                He sits up anyways, swinging his legs over the side of the bed, and he steps down slowly. The sudden ache in his limbs surprises him, but he somehow manages to find the strength to shuffle awkwardly towards the table, pick up his given attire, and head to the bathroom to change.

                While he is changing, his appearance pains him. It’s as if he hadn’t changed at all- as if his skin had rid of its sun kissed olive tone, his hair inked to the darkest hue of black, and his eyes refuse to shine with joy, so they shine with the glossy coat of tears that just barely form from the sad poignancy instead. He hunches forward and gives off no expression whatsoever to the boy in the mirror.

                He had never thought that there would be a day where he had wished for his death more than his life. He longed for Kyungsoo, to stand by his side, and to just stay like he promised. If he were to go back to when he first took his life and truly think about the actions he was about to undertake, he would have never picked up that bottle of pills. Now that it’s all happened already and he met the others and experienced what the values of life should have been, he would gladly do it again.

                Not even an hour after he had come back into his room, five others pile in with bundles of flowers and boxes of chocolate. He recognizes them as his former friends, and although it’s not by instinct anymore, he smiles.

                Jonghyun is the first to talk. He walks up to Jongin with a grin and places the bouquet on the foot of his bed and everyone gathers in front of him. Jongin settles comfortably in his bed and sits up slightly.

                “It’s been so long,” he nearly laughs. “Two months, I think. We were so scared that another one of our friends would die, and…” Jonghyun sighs, and Jongin’s eyes trail from the others and to his own hands. “You get the point.”

                “Definitely a long two months,” Minho nods. “We missed you.”

                Jinki walks up to Jongin and practically throws his arms around him. Jongin shivers and freezes in place. Noting the awkwardness, he pulls away with a cough and everyone stares.

                “Jongin?” Minho asks. “Are you okay?”

                The boy nods slowly, but in truth, he’s conflicted. Memories of the others play in his mind, and the thought of it all never returning to him ever again terrified him. To try and take one’s own life for the first time is as simple as breathing. A second time? Not so much- especially with a lot of family and friends who don’t fully understand the situation. He’s too afraid to leave, but his longing for Kyungsoo is much, much more stronger.

                Jongin refuses to let himself believe that everything that had happened was just a dream, even though it felt a lot like one.

                “Can you not talk?”

                Jongin blinks. “I…” His eyebrows scrunch up together, and he’s suddenly confused again. He questions why his friends were there, why he was in the hospital, and why he wasn’t in an old furnished bus that produced heat too warm to even wear denim jeans. “I shouldn’t be alive,” is what spills out of his mouth, and it’s so unexpected that the others drop their jaws and look at each other nervously.

                Jonghyun’s sudden outburst makes him jump. “Like hell you shouldn’t!”

 The yell makes everyone fall silent, and Jongin does his best to not make any sort of eye contact with any of them. He looks at the flowers on his bed instead.

“Jongin, do you know how terrified we were?” he asks. “We already lost Taemin! What made you think that we could live without you, too?!”

Minho puts a hand on the angered boy’s shoulder. “Jonghyun…”

Taken aback by his sudden acrimony, Jongin peeks a look at Jonghyun’s eyes. They burn more with pain rather than anger, and the two girls next to the three boys stand silently, looking at their feet. Eunjoo, Jongin’s ex-girlfriend, steps forward and gives the others a look before looking at Jongin.

“Why do you feel the need to die?”

Jongin looks straight at her with sad eyes before he looks down at his lap. “You’d think I’m crazy.” He muttered. “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you, either.”

Eunjoo sits at the bed with her friend Seoji at the side. The three boys don’t talk with stern looks on their faces.

“Tell us.” She demanded. Jongin bites the inside of his cheek, unsure of how exactly to put everything together. Ultimately, he just decides to wing it.

“When I fell asleep, I think I was put into a dead state. It was weird, though. Like a dream, I guess- except it seemed so real. And in that state, I found eleven of these guys who just practically live together and make the most out of their lives. They travel a lot. There were always smiles. I never got bored of it. And then, I met someone.”

Eunjoo raises an eyebrow curiously, and the others show concern as well.

“Who did you meet?” Seoji asks. Jongin looks up at her for a brief moment before his eyebrows scrunch up together, and he suddenly feels terrified again. The memories of the others are still there, but it seems almost hazy. It’s as if his recollection of the time they spent together flickered like a burnt bulb, but something about it singes the tips of his fingers and travels to the back of his throat.

“Someone.” he answers. “Someone who I really…really liked.”

--

                When Jongin arrives back home five hours later, everything looks the same as how he remembered it. His room was left untouched, despite the array of cards that read ‘get well soon!’ or ‘be strong’, stacked neatly into piles that were fairly new compared to the desk they were placed on. It seemed to collect a thin layer of dust that he gently wiped with the tip of his index finger.

                His family members decide that it was probably best for them to give him at least a bit of privacy for the day for him to cool off and truly process the recent events. It helps a little, but everything still feels too sudden. It was like his new life was taken from him in less than a millisecond, which was partially true. If he could be honest, he would admit to wanting to return.

                Jongin began to become afraid of just how fond he grew of his life after his death, becoming somewhat convinced that it was all a dream, but a part of him still held on to the thought of it being real.

                He finds it incredibly hard to talk under such circumstances, so he decides to keep quiet. The doctors said that such a side effect was possible from the shock that he received when he woke up, but his parents refuse to stay calm. They ask him questions, wondering about what was on his mind after they’d left him alone for a couple of hours, but Jongin snaps out of his muted trance when they suggest seeing a therapist.

                It takes a couple of convincing words of defiance that finally makes them back down, but he doesn’t know that it’s really because of the fact that he looks too frightened to even leave his room. He looks genuinely crazy, but his mind runs so fast that it’s unable to truly think straight, and if there were smoke coming out of his ears like a car smokes when it breaks down, he wouldn’t be surprised.

                Eating dinner at home for the first time in what felt like years felt like one of the only things that amazed him. It was really quiet, despite the clanking of metal chopsticks and occasional chewing, followed by swallows. Jongin thinks he’s listening a bit too hard at this point, so he breaks the silence with a cough.

                “So…” he utters. His family members look up to him with raised eyebrows, and he presses his lips together in search of words. “What’s…been going on recently?” he asks. “You know- while I was…sleeping.”

                Mister Kim clears his throat as well and wipes at his mouth. “I’ve recently been promoted…” he starts, putting his chopsticks to the side. “That’s about it, I think.”

                “I got into the school play,” Haneul states proudly. Jongin smiles at her, to which she smiles back. “I play the main character.”

                “That’s great, Haneul,” he coos, giving her a pat on the head. Miss’ Kim gets up to clean the dishes, but Jongin gathers them before she can.

                “I’ll do them,” he offers, twirling around her with a couple of plates in his hand.

                “Oh no, that’s alright, Jongin, you don’t need-“

                “I insist,” he grins, already rinsing off the leftover food down into the drain. “It’s the least I can do for being useless for like, what? Two months?”

                His mother smiles and excuses herself to her room. In the meantime, Mister Kim and Haneul watch television.

                “So,” Jongin sighs. “What did you get promoted to?”

                “Manager,” his dad replies. “I took extra shifts at work. They thought it was impressive, so…”

                Jongin tilts his head, rinsing one of the bowls. “Extra shifts?”

                “Night shifts, but it was only for a while. My boss took off a few days...poor guy.”

                “What happened?”

                “His son,” he clears his throat. “He died in a fire with one of our co-workers. I’m sure it was an accident, but the investigators say that they found emptied jugs of oil after they put it out. Something tells me there was something…more.”

                Jongin hums as he finishes loading the dishes. He picks up a glass of water. “What was his name?”

                His father rubs his arm in thought. “Kyungsoo.”

                Choking on the water and dropping the plastic cup into the sink, he coughs violently and cups his mouth with his hand. He could feel his face turning red, the odd taste of clear body fluids slowly pouring out his mouth and making him squeeze his eyes shut. His father turns his neck and looks over the view of the couch with a raised eyebrow.

                “Are you alright?” he asks with a slight laugh. Jongin inhales deeply and nods quickly, wiping the liquid off of his chin and neck before excusing himself to his room.

                Once the door squeezes shut, he kneels at his bed and rests his head on the mattress. It takes less than a minute to process everything in his head, and although he should be feeling remorse, he smiles.

--

                Kyungsoo mentally marks the date as the beginning of December in his mind, nearly two months since Jongin had disappeared. He sulks further into the couch, accompanied by Baekhyun who seems a little too distracted by the buttons on his new heavy stuffed snow coat.

                “I never knew it’d get so cold so fast,” he complains. “We were in the desert area for so long, that I almost forgot what it was like to feel snow. Now that it’s back…”

                Kyungsoo sighs onto the glass next to him, the window fogging up from his warm evening breath that soon dissolves into nothing. He repeats the process and presses his finger to the blurred area, drawing a series of lines in multiple rows until they disappear and blend into the transparent wall.

                “I think we got a little too used to the sun. It’s good that we’re not getting burnt anymore, though. Paying for sunblock that’s enough for twelve guys isn’t exactly…thrifty, I guess.” Baekhyun snorts at the other’s comment and shakes his head. Kyungsoo just smirks before rubbing his arms and looking back out the window.

                It confused him quite a bit, trying to find the answer to the reason of Jongin’s disappearance. He tried not to pay attention to the details too much due to the fact that it would often leave him with a headache, but he’s starting to believe that their last conversation played a little role in the whole ordeal. Maybe Jongin was given a second chance, but even so, did it take this long to come back?

                Kyungsoo begins to think that he never did intend to come back, and he stuck to that theory until night came later that day. While everyone is asleep, he opens his eyes sluggishly before sitting up in his bed. There’s an unusual feeling in the back of his throat that makes him wipe the light tears that coat his cheeks, and he may have not admitted it before, but he truly does miss Jongin. Never had he realized that the pain of someone disappearing was this bad- not to mention the fact that he didn’t know whether he was to come back or not. Two months without a single word really makes a man think, and Kyungsoo just so happens to lose nearly all of his hope.

                Except, the sudden gust of wind startles him, and he’s positive that none of the windows atop of the bus were left ajar before. When he opens the curtains, there stands a dark figure who’s silhouette pops out in the moonlight. It turns left, looks right, and whips around until he has a full view of Kyungsoo who sits stunned on his bed. The mysterious man quickly shuffles over and kneels onto both knees, cupping Kyungsoo’s face with his soft warm hands, and Kyungsoo immediately knows the identity of his visitor. Before he knows it, his arms extend and latch onto the back of the other’s neck, and he breathes erratically as his limbs fumble across his back with shaky hands because he’s just that surprised.

               “Jongin!” he breathes, gasping and clutching the other’s strong facial structure. He stares deep into his dark eyes that define relief, and suddenly their lips are clashing and Kyungsoo cries even more.

                When Jongin pulls away, though, his expression changes to the color of blue, and he talks softly but quickly.

                “I don’t have much time,” he admits with a whisper. “I can’t stay for long, not right now, and I’m so sorry about all of this, you don’t even know. I miss you so much. I miss everyone. But, I think- no, I know I’ve woken up. It’s like I have no control, and unless I’m in a state close to death, I won’t be able to see you. This is an exception.”

                “What?” Kyungsoo asks with glossy eyes and a quivering voice. “What do you mean?”

                “I mean, I’m going to disappear any second now because sleeping apparently doesn’t allow you to stay in this world for that long. I’m going to be gone any time now, but I just want you to know that I’ll be back. I’m sorry that you have to wait, but please endure it for just a while longer until I sort things out. Don’t you dare think I won’t return, either, because I will.”

                Kyungsoo presses his lips together to restrain any more sobs. “You promise?”

                “I promise.” He says firmly. He kisses Kyungsoo once more.

                “I...Kyungsoo, I love you.”

                With a smile and small huff from his crying, he’s about to say he loves him back, but when he blinks, Jongin is gone.

--

Jongin’s father invites him to the memorial of Do Kyungsoo a week later. It’s weird, he confesses, and although he knows the location of the boy’s true soul, it still hurts.

Not many people are present, but various family members gather together to weep silently to each other. His father speaks some words of encouragement to mister Do, to which pats of the shoulder are exchanged, and Jongin and mister Kim walk away.

He can’t help but stare at his portrait with sorrowful eyes. The pain his parents were in personally hurt him. It almost makes him rethink his possibilities, but he’s made a promise that he wasn’t intending on breaking.

Everyone closes their eyes to mumble prayers amongst themselves, but Jongin keeps his eyes open wide, and they shine.

--

                “Is there anything you’re going to do for Christmas?”

                Jongin glances to towards Eunjoo at his side. He watches the steam from her baked potato disperse into the cold air, and she hisses when she takes another bite into it from the heated temperature. He glances back to the center of the main square with a large pine tree that glitters many colors at night. With a shrug, he leans on the bars with his elbows and faces away from the tree.

                “I don’t have anything planned, I think.” He replies. It’s true, too. For the first time in his life, he’s completely stumped about what to do for the holidays, and he loves presents.

                “Oh,” Eunjoo frowns. “Well, do you want to do something, or…”

                “You don’t have plans?” Jongin asks with a laugh.

                 “Well, on Christmas day, duh, but I was thinking that we could all get together on the eve and stuff.”

                Jongin purses his lips and brings up his fingers to his ears. It’s especially times like this where he feels the need to own ear muffs. He then looks down at his feet and immediately begins thinking about the others and how they won’t be able to spend the holidays together.

                “Sure,” he finally replies with a shrug. “I guess.”

                Eunjoo grins. “Good.”

                It’s quiet again, save the hustle and bustle of individuals going through the stores and buying gifts for their loved ones. Jongin hugs onto his coat tighter before letting loose and slouching backwards, his head facing the sky. There are a few stars, but not many.

                “Who were you talking about back then?” Eunjoo asks. “You know, at the hospital.”

                The sudden question makes Jongin frown, and it takes him a while to think of whether telling the truth not. It’s a tricky decision, he admits, but he figures that Eunjoo was never bad of a person to speak wrongly of him, so he does not lie.

                He tells her everything- the way people kill themselves only to wake up in that world, his first meeting with the others, their trips, a bit of each person- especially about Chanyeol and Sehun- but most of all, he talks about Kyungsoo. He talks about their first meeting and how much it seemed like a post-apocalyptic movie, their time together at the beach, eating watermelon together on the hot sunny days- he even talks about the way he offered his bed and how they eventually ended up sharing, what he thought of his painful backstory, and he even bothered to explain his features down to a single hair on his body because he was missing him that much. He doesn’t even realize the few tears that dripped down his eyes until the cold breeze makes him shiver.

                “But then I woke up.” He finishes. “It wasn’t a dream, but I think my coma…I think my coma allowed me to be there.”

                “That sounds horrible,” Eunjoo says with a sad expression. “The killing yourself part…and the part where you came back.”

                Jongin nods and quickly wipes his tears away. “I want to go back so badly, but...”

                “But the only way to do that is to kill yourself.” Eunjoo nods. “Yeah…that’s…. tough.”

                Eunjoo faces Jongin after finishing her snack, stuffing her hands into her pockets. “But, Jongin…If you’re really feeling miserable in this world and you feel the need to return to Kyungsoo and the others…I won’t shun you. I won’t blame you. I won’t pity you, either, because I’ll know that you’ll be happy again. If you choose to kill yourself again, I think I’ll be okay with it, but…for the sake of the others- Jongin, please weigh your choices.”

                Jongin stares ahead at the bottom of the Christmas tree lost in thought. He’s officially stuck- he’s been stuck for a while- and he knows it. Eventually, Eunjoo decides it’s time to leave, so they walk home together.

--

                Spring consists of warm rainy days and a small case of sneezing allergies. Everything is colorful again, much better than last year, but the humidity makes Jongin grimace as he walks with Jonghyun and Jinki around the shopping district.

                “I showered this morning, and I already feel the need to take another,” Jongin complains while he touches his arm. “I’m feeling sticky already.”

                “This isn’t the worst of it,” Jinki shrugs. “Wait ‘till summer comes.”

                Yet, Jongin knows the pain of heat in the summer. He knows, because he’s experienced it for more than two months, and he would be lying if he said he didn’t miss it.

                “Yeah,” Jonghyun agrees while opening the door to one of the local smoothie shops. “What are you guys doing over the summer, anyways?”

                “I’m staying home, duh.”

                “Get a job, Jinki.”

                “Shut up.”

                The three settle at one of the tables near the window to get comfortable, and Jongin has trouble ordering so Jonghyun orders for him.

                “You know,” Jonghyun starts, getting his attention after he looks away. “You’re really different now. I don’t know if the coma had some kind of side-effects that affected you mentally, but seriously. You’re super…”

                “Quiet?” Jinki suggests.

                Jonghyun points at him, but still looks at Jongin. “Quiet.”

                Jongin bites his lip. “I don’t know,” he says lowly. “I guess I’m still kind of shocked.”

               “But, that’s where I don’t understand why.” Jonghyun leans forward and links his fingers together, his elbows resting atop the table. “You knew your intentions, and you fell asleep. It was a long time for us, but it would have been only a dream for you, right?”

                “Technically, people in comas are in a much deeper sleep than one who passed out from a rough day at work. If anything, I’d say that Jongin didn’t feel anything. Or hear. Or smell. Hell, do you even remember anything from when you were asleep?”

                Jongin opens his mouth to reply, but immediately closes it when a waitress comes over and gives them their beverages. Even as she leaves, he decides that it’s probably best not to reply.

                As Jinki chews on his straw, Jonghyun’s eyes don’t leave Jongin, and it’s making him uncomfortable. He shuffles in his seat and shifts his weight under pressure.

                Jonghyun tilts his head the other way. “You said that you had a dream. What happened in it?”

                The other shrugs. “I told you already. I met some guys, lived with them for a while. That’s all-“

                “But, you somehow grew fond of them. Just how fond of them did you grow?”

                Jongin gulps, but the lump in his throat doesn’t go away. To admit how he truly felt pained him. It made him feel selfish- as if Jonghyun and the others didn’t compare to the other world, but it was the truth.

                “It was a world where people went to after they’ve committed…suicide. In order for me to go back, I’d need to…”

                Jonghyun’s jaw tightens, and Jinki keeps his mouth shut.

                “Would you do it? Kill yourself over some dream?”

                “I- I don’t know.”

                “It was a dream. Would you still do it?”

                “It wasn’t a dream, and I know it.”

                “How do you know that?!”

                “Because, a little over a month ago, I tried it again!”

                Jongin rubs his face in frustration, earning a few glances from other customers, but they eventually go back to minding their own business.

                “I made a mistake,” he admits. “And I fell in love with somebody who I’m not sure I can even keep a promise to. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to see them again, and it’s killing me- not being able to see them- and…

                My body forced the pills out. I couldn’t hold them in long enough. It left me bed-ridden for a day, but no one had noticed, so…”

                It’s silent for a really long time, and Jinki finally speaks again.

                “Give it a few months, then.” He says quietly, and his voice is shaky. “A few months. Nine, at the least. If you still can’t handle it here, then…It’ll pain us, but it’s what you choose to do.”

                “Kim Jongin, do not ing bull us about this,” Jonghyun rubs the spot between his eyes wearily. “You are not going to die.”

                “It’s my choice.”

                “It’s stupid! Everything about it is stupid- why the hell would you kill yourself for something that you’re not even sure of? Do you know how sensitive a subject this is? You’re talking about taking your own life, but you act as if it’s nothing! Do you know how egotistical you sound right now?”

                Jinki places his hand on Jonghyun’s shoulder. “Look, I don’t want him to go either. But sometimes, things happen, and we just have to learn how to accept that. You’ve done it before, so if Jongin’s feels the need to do this, then we have no choice.”

                “Did you get sent to a therapist? A psychologist? Huh?”

                Jongin eyes the other from across the table. His fists are balled, and anybody would think he were angry if not for the despondent look in his eyes. He hasn’t yet touched his drink once.

                “I hate you leave you guys, and you all know that… But I made a promise.”

                Sighing, Jonghyun looks the other way with a tense face before he opens his mouth again.

                “Nine months.” He repeats after Jinki. “Nine. Months.”

--

                “How painful it must be for him, huh?”

                Kyungsoo peeks out from under his arm that blockades the sun from reaching his eyes to find Chanyeol sitting next to him. The taller purses his lips in thought.

                “He has to explain this to his family, right? They’re probably doing all they can to make him feel better. To prevent him from doing it again.” Chanyeol leans back along with Kyungsoo, but not before closing the blinds enough to hide the bright light in the sky. “But, what happens when he does it again? They’ll be upset, won’t they? They’ll think that they didn’t do enough for him?”

                Kyungsoo covers his eyes with his forearm again, despite the lack of sunlight. “Are you saying that I shouldn’t expect him to come back anymore?”

                “No, of course not,” Chanyeol breathes out a sharp but low laugh. “I’m waiting for him, too. I just think it’s sad.”

                It is sad, and Kyungsoo knows it. He almost feels sorry for being a burden, feeling selfish about the fact that he’d be the one to have Jongin in the end, but he keeps his head up anyways.

                “Do you regret it?” Kyungsoo asks. “Killing yourself?”

                “Yes and no,” he replied. “Killing yourself is never the right answer to anything, so yes, everyone is bound to regret it. But… if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be here. And killing myself for Baekhyun? I think that’s a good way to go.”

                Kyungsoo actually smiles for the first time in what felt like forever, but he still doesn’t look at Chanyeol. “You love him a lot, huh?”

                Chanyeol chuckles. “Of course I do! We live in a two-story tour bus where every guy would very much prefer rather than the typical V. What’s bound to happen, huh?”

               
                “Then that’s good,” Kyungsoo says, laughing. “More love stories to go around. Love them.”

                “You’re living one yourself. You should be happier.”

                “I think I am. You guys really changed me. Thank you.”

                Chanyeol playfully slaps his shoulder. “Don’t thank me, thank everyone.” He leans towards him and whispers. “Especially Jongin.”

                Kyungsoo smiles once more before Chen starts up the bus for the second time that day.

--

                Summer goes by much too quickly, as always, and Jongin starts his first job when his mother begins to complain about the shortage of ingredients to make japchae due to the lack of income the house was getting. He figured it would be best to spend his time making use of himself instead of slouching around all day, and he begins to wonder if his parents had forgotten to enroll him into one of the colleges in the area. Not even community college was brought up. He’d have to talk to them about that.

                Working in a book store was probably the last place he would think about applying towards, but it was the only one with an assured job opening. Not a lot of people visit, save the group of teenagers that visited the walk-in coffee shop whos sole purpose was probably to irritate Jongin to great extents.

                He also recognizes the English titles of a couple of old 80’s bands in the CD racks that would play on the bus. They never really bothered to learn the names and the specific groups, seeing as the name would be worn off of the records.

                But most of all, Kyungsoo doesn’t leave his mind for even a second. He’s reminded of him every day whenever he would see every-day couples walk into the store. He wonders how it would be like if it were Kyungsoo and him walking through the aisles, staring through the bookshelves at each other, perhaps looking at some poetry…

                He shakes his head and rubs his eye as he yawns, the day slowly coming to a stop. The lights outside the shop flicker on and glow a soft yellow, going almost perfectly with the navy blue tint the night gave off. Part of him also wonders if the reason to why he thought it were so alluring came from the fact that he hadn’t been able to get a good night’s sleep. He pushes the feeling away.

                The real thing that had been bugging him was how he was to explain it to his family. There they were, happier than ever for him to have come back, but none of it was the same anymore.

                Would he leave without a letter? He considered it, but the thought of an individual being that cruel astounded him. Would explaining his actions through a written letter be appropriate enough? Maybe they wouldn’t understand. If all possible, they would end up disappointed.

                It bugs him for a real long time, but the idea of leaving an apologizing and a thankful voice mail seemed to pique his interests. He mentally writes the thought down.

                It’s crazy, planning out your own death, but what has to be done has to be done. He doesn’t want to regret a second of it, so he won’t.

--

                Jongin decides the exact date of when he plans to go back a week in advance. The new-year had just started and the joy that spreads around kills him internally.

                A week before his final living moments, he gathers up his friends for a night to go star gazing. Jinki snickers at the idea at first, muttering something about movies and the irony, but he agrees to go anyway.

                They all spread out onto blankets, and Jongin thanks whatever type of gods that were out there for exposing the moon to support his horrible eyesight during the night. The activity is familiar, maybe that’s why he planned it, and he smiles when it’s finally quiet.

                “So,” Minho sighs. “What made our little Jongin want to do such a thing on such a fine night?”

                Jongin shrugs his shoulders and twiddles his fingers. “I don’t know,” he confesses. “I guess it was just…a feeling that came along.”

                Eunjoo looks nervously towards Jongin, knowing the real reason behind the activity. Jongin wanted a final moment with the others, even if he didn’t say anything directly.

                “Tell us about them,” she insists. Jongin looks back with a relaxed expression.

                “What do you want to know?” he asks. Jonghyun eyes the two carefully.

                “Everything,” she answers. “Tell us how you met. What you did. I think we deserve to know.”

                Jongin laughs a bit, and his voice cracks on the very first words that he spoke.

                “They were great,” he begins, and he starts to spill out all of his emotions at that very moment. Like he explained to Eunjoo, he stressed every moment they spent together. Part of him thinks that he’s being selfish, but another part of him knows that they understand.

                He brings up Kyungsoo every moment he can, laughing to himself at all the enjoyable times they spent together. The others smile in return, even if they do look a little broken, and in the end, Jongin feels the drips from his tears fall from his face.

               “I’ll miss you guys,” he says, wiping his tears with his sleeve. The day ends at sunrise, everyone gets up, exchanges tight, warm hugs, and Jongin says goodbye one final time.

                He doesn’t plan to feel any regret.

--

                Jongin spends the day expressing his feelings to his family. He repeats his confession for their love for him and his love for theirs, drowning them in embraces, and apologizing for not being exactly the best son out there. They’re confused, and it saddens him, but Jongin smiles at them again and again until he can’t find the strength to stretch his lips any longer.

                It’s almost exactly the same as the first time. Haneul is taken to her ballet recital, his parents attend, and Jongin is left alone once again in the silent house in the beginning of January. He dials his father’s number, and as expected, it goes straight to voicemail. He takes the chance to explain for the third time his experiences, breaking down nearly halfway through the bottle of the over-the-counter drugs and bottle of strong alcohol. His words begin to slur, the pills spew out of his mouth, but he shoves them back in and holds his head back.

                It’s so much more painful than he remembered. It feels like he’s about to vomit, but when he opens his mouth, only choked sobs escape from his burning throat. He drops the phone with a shaky hand, crawls onto the floor, and his body is scorching in agony from what he assumes is his sudden halt of sharp breaths. His lips feel numb and they tingle, and he swears he hears his heart beat one final time when his vision fades to darkness.

                Jongin’s life ends with a promise to live again.

Omg I have exams and I havent been able to update in so looong but the epilogue should be pretty short sooo;;;

This chapter was supposed to be longer, but I had to squish everything together so. It might seem. Cut-off. Kinda.

Sorry.