Trust

It’s still weird, waking up in a chair rather than an actual bed, but when Jongin wakes up next to a certain someone instead, he feels even weirder than usual. Eyes planted on the other male, he hitches his breath and holds it in shock.

Kyungsoo’s breathing is soft against his face, and the two are so close that Jongin begins to feel the heat rise to his head. He breathes out very slowly, inhales for a bit of air as quietly as possible, and melts at Kyungsoo’s dainty features. Something compels Jongin to lean just a few more inches forward to kiss the other’s plump flushed lips, his smooth worry-free forehead, or even his milky white cheeks, but he immediately refrains from the idea and sits up quickly. He hits his head on the bunk ceiling with a loud clank, causing him to hiss and rub the spot in pain.

Eyes fluttering open, Kyungsoo stirs awake to the blur of tanned skin and a mop of messy brown hair. His small mouth stretches open while he yawns.  He smacks his lips together a couple of times, gulping from his dry throat, and talks hoarsely.

“Jongin?” he mumbles, rubbing his eyes. “What time is it? And why is it so…warm?”

Jongin airs himself out, pulling at his loose shirt to cool himself. “Yeah,” he laughs awkwardly. “I have…warm body temperature. Sorry. It’s still pretty early, I think. I didn’t check.”

Kyungsoo closes his eyes again and his lips. “It’s fine,” he says, reaching forward to grab Jongin and pull him back down. “I can get used to it.” He grabs his hands and runs his thumb over Jongin’s palms and across his fingers, scooting closer to him.

Seeing the tanned boy’s uncomfortableness when he opens an eye, Kyungsoo blushes and releases his hold. “Sorry, I just- I’m used…I used to be…I just…”

“Hyung…” Jongin’s face turns even hotter. The other’s eyes grew wide.

“I-I’m your hyung?” he stuttered. Jongin nodded slowly.

“Yes,” he rubbed his lips together. “I heard you were twenty, so…”

Mouth forming an ‘o’, Kyungsoo stares at Jongin with his large eyes. The corners of his mouth turn up slightly, and his voice seems calmer than usual.

“When is your birthday?” he asks. “Mine is on January twelfth.”

“Really?” Jongin raises his eyebrows. “Mine is on January fourteenth. You’re a year older than me!”

His giggle rings through Jongin’s ears, somehow waking him up just a bit more. “Maybe we can celebrate our birthdays together,” he whispers. “Don’t tell the others, though. They might make a big deal out of it.”

“’Don’t tell the others’ what?”   

The curtains slide open, making Kyungsoo squeak and jump from his spot. He turns around and grabs the blanket, lifting it up to cover his and Jongin’s faces.

“Well?” asks Sehun’s voice. It’s quiet for just a second, but the youngest soon hums and nods.

“Oh, I understand,” he says. “It’s okay. I won’t tell anyone you two slept with each other. But, how did you do it without…”

Kyungsoo lets out a shrill cry, burying his face in his hands, and Jongin looks more violet than red now. Sehun laughs.
“Sehun, we-“

“It’s alright! I won’t tell.” Sehun closes the curtain and begins walking away. “But, that doesn’t mean I’m not going to tell about your little relationship.”

Kyungsoo then bolts out of bed to catch him, but Sehun is already downstairs. Jongin hits his head on the top bunk again when he tries to get out, ultimately groaning as he tries his best to sooth the ache. The sunlight drifts through the curtains brightly, indicating that it was probably already almost noon. Everyone was most likely awake already, and Jongin dared not to think about the rumors that would soon be spread.

The two climb down the ladder, and Jongin is greeted with a hand to his shoulder and a small pat on his back. Kris and Chen stand on both sides of him, and he watches miserably as Kyungsoo walks away, looking around for Baekhyun.

“You did good,” Kris says. “I’m impressed.”

“I knew it, too,” Chen nods. “Everyone woke up before you two. And to think you guys were in the same bed,” he clucks his tongue with a smirk. “You did good, mister Kim. You did very good.”

“Yeah. Super impressed. I thought you’d be forever socially awkward around him.“

“Hey!” Jongin pulls his arms away from the duo. “We didn’t do anything! He probably just felt bad that I had to sleep on the floor, so-“

“Yeah, yeah.” Chen says, patting his back harder. “Whatever. Sit down, Minseok has some announcements.”

Too baffled to even say any more, Jongin slumps into one of the sofas with confused eyes. Minseok stands up and claps his hands together one, counting everybody with his eyes and mumbling each number to himself. When he finds that everyone is present, he grins widely.

“Alright,” he announces. “I have some news.”

Everyone turns their eyes to Minseok.

“You know how this place is kind of, like, barren?” he asks. “There’s nothing here. Abandoned motels. Weird drunk maniacs. You know- those kinds of things no matter where you go?” Everyone nods their heads in comprehension, and Jongin gnaws on his lip lightly, eyeing Kyungsoo instead of Minseok.

“Well, I heard there was this place, and it’s like, perfect. A sanctuary kind of thing, you know?” Minseok says. “Not that it’s dangerous here. I’m just saying that it .”

“Yeah, so what- are we going to look for it or something?” Asks Tao as he rests his head in Kris’ lap. Jongin sneaks a glance at how he older holds the younger’s hand tightly on his side. He moves his eyes back to Kyungsoo, the other doing the same, but when Kyungsoo finds that Jongin already has his gaze on him, he quickly looks back at their leader.

“I was thinking that we could at least try. I heard it’s quiet, and peaceful. The motels shine, the rooms are huge, there’s lots of water- there’s even actual houses in the area. And the population isn’t that large, so if we’re lucky, the little tourists will be gone by the time we arrive so we can actually just…live somewhere.”

As happy as Jongin was about the idea, he couldn’t help but frown to himself. For once, he actually speaks up.

“So, we won’t be travelling anymore once we get there?” he asks with furrowed eyebrows, the crease marks on his forehead more defined than usual. “I’m fine with living there, but I think that travelling...travelling, and everything about it- it just seems really…enjoyable. I’d miss it.”

Minseok smiles, and out of nowhere, Joonmyun slaps his arm around Jongin’s shoulder. He jumps in his seat, breathing out a sigh when he finds that it was only him.

“So, what Jongin is saying is that he loves us, right?” Everyone in the bus hums with ‘ooh’s and ‘ahh’s, Jongin notices Kyungsoo’s heart shaped smile, and he thinks his hearts just about to burst. He looks down and away in order to hide his blush. Minseok laughs softly.

“We’ll have lots of road trips, Jongin,” he says. “We have forever, right?”

“Literally, too,” Luhan pitches in. “I’m just afraid that I’ll get sick of you guys.” He smiles, petting Sehun who’s too tired to even open his eyes. Minseok smiles.

“Out of the sixteen years- no, more than that- that I’ve spent here jumping from place to place with this guy,” he points a thumb towards Lay, who raises his eyebrows up and down. “I’ve never wanted to leave once. It’s impossible to get sick of you all.”

“Really? Because I’m sure that I’m getting tired of Jongin over here,” Chanyeol says sarcastically. Jongin looks offended, making a face and placing a hand to his chest with a gasp. Chanyeol laughs, extends his arm around his shoulders, and shakes his head while leaning into the other.

“Stop,” Jongin hisses. “Baekhyun looks like he’s about to set the bus on fire.” He looks at Baekhyun who eyes him cautiously, then to Kyungsoo, who is staring at his hands in his lap. Jongin frowns.

“Then again,” he removes Chanyeol’s arm from around him. “I’m starting to think that you would be the one to do that. Isn’t that right?”

Chanyeol rolls his eyes and moves back to Baekhyun. Jongin leans forward and Minseok rubs his hands together with a sigh.

“Seriously, though. Does everyone agree?” Everyone slowly nods in unison and Minseok nods one last time before the bus begins to move. Jongin sneaks one more peek at Kyungsoo that morning before he falls asleep.

--

The smell that makes Jongin wrinkle his nose is revolting, and he cringes as a lean boy with bleached blond hair pulls at his own. All at the same time, scissors snip at the ends of his hair slowly, taking away the edges strand by strand. It’s fairly quiet for once, everyone using the time to relax and lie around the bus and the front.

“I’m glad,” Sehun sighs. “Your hair was getting long.”

“Yours too, but now that you’ve cut it, I’m kind of edgy about it.” Jongin confesses, looking up at the sharp utensil snipping away his fringe. “You should have kept it a little longer.”

The other shrugs. “I think Luhan likes it.”

Jongin looks towards Luhan who sits next to Minseok and Lay on one of the sofas. The brown haired boy makes a face at Jongin, shaking his head.

“He doesn’t like it.”

Sehun frowns. “Then, I’ll make sure D.O doesn’t like your hair.”

The older gasps sarcastically, then rolls his eyes with a chuckle. “Whatever.”

When it’s time for Jongin to rinse his hair, he places his head under the tip of the hose and winces when the cold water touches his head. When the process is done, he is given a towel to dry his hair, and Sehun holds a mirror in front of him.

“Look. We’re totally matching.” He muses. “I just have shorter hair.”

At first, Jongin is surprised at how much his hair differed from before. Never had he thought light hair would look nice with his tanned skin, but his self-esteem somewhat boosts when he looks at his new appearance.

“Not bad, mister Oh, not bad.” He says, rather impressed. Sehun’s lips stretch into a smile as he dusts hair off of the towel around Jongin’s neck.

“Of course,” Sehun says proudly as he begins to sweep. “Ask me if you need help with your hair anytime.”

When a pair of small feet tap down the ladder to the first floor of the bus, Jongin looks up to find Kyungsoo in his blue Pororo shirt. He then looks at Sehun, whom looks back with a nod and walks out of the bus to find where Luhan had gone.

When Kyungsoo finally notices Jongin, he grins the grin that Jongin loves.

“He did a pretty good job, didn’t he?” Jongin asks, looking back into the mirror. Kyungsoo nods his head and sits atop the table in front of the other.

“He sure did.” he admitted with a nod. “I like it.”

“So do I.” he replies, running his hand through his hair, pleased. “You should ask him to do something with your hair, too.”

Kyungsoo laughs. “What color?”

Jongin purses his lips in thought, carefully examining the other’s face and skin tone. An idea pops up into his head, and he smirks.

“Red would be nice, right?” he suggests. “Like, a dark red.”

“You would like red?” Kyungsoo asks. Jongin nods affirmatively.

“Definitely red.”

Jongin falls asleep again.

--

“You keep disappearing,” Kyungsoo says later that night with worried eyes. “I don’t understand. Where do you keep going off to?”

The crickets are loud at night, the snapping of burning wood somewhat calming, and the wind brushes against Jongin’s skin. It makes him hug his arms tighter, clutching his jacket tightly as he stares straight ahead at nothing.

“I don’t know,” he confesses. “All of a sudden, I’m starting to accidentally doze off, and whenever I do, I’m always in a bright room. Sometimes, there’s people. I don’t ever have the energy to understand or talk or even make out faces, but I’m there. It’s familiar.”

Kyungsoo bites his lip and stares at the bright orange flames in front of him in deep thought. He leans forward with his elbows pressed against his thighs and his fingers touching each other every now and then. After a short while, he begins to fiddle with them.

“The group will continue to be worried if you keep doing this,” he confesses. “It’s been about two weeks since I’ve met you all, and you’ve disappeared about five times. Isn’t it becoming a little…frequent?” he asks. Jongin glances to the side at him and focuses entirely on his facial features that seem gloomy, and he tells himself that it was from the shadows the fire gave off. He looks back to the fire, then the sky, but then back down to his feet.

“Yeah, it is becoming more frequent, but…” he pauses. “I don’t understand why you care so much. The others are worried, I’m sure, but I don’t think they notice it as much as you do. So, why are you the only one asking me these things?”

Kyungsoo gulps and clenches his jaw, and Jongin sees the small glimmer in his eyes. It makes him stare just a bit longer, and enough for Kyungsoo to start talking again.

“I’ll tell you, but you have to promise to not tell anyone else here. Okay?” Jongin nods his head, raising an eyebrow when Kyungsoo holds out a pinky in front of him. Jongin takes it with his own and squeezes tightly before Kyungsoo looks ahead again.

“I have trust problems. Back when I was alive, there was this guy. Older man. Good money. He worked for my father’s business company. Everybody respected him, and so did I. But- I don’t know how it happened, but…, Jongin,” he breathed out a sharp scoff mixed with a laugh, his lips spreading into a small painful smile. “I fell in love. I really did.

At one of the company parties at my house, he got a bit drunk, and I thought ‘well okay, this isn’t that bad,’ but when he started to come down onto me, I completely gave in. We made love. I think I’d been mad over him ever since.”

Jongin nods, tying to ignore the slight feeling of jealousy that rises in his gut. He’s glad that the fire is at the right amount of brightness for the shadows of his features to hide his blush.

“So, it happened a lot. He came over for business with my dad, but he would always make time for me. After school and such, I would go over and stay the night sometimes, and I started to feel like he had fallen in love with me, too, based on how it kept happening and happening. It went on for the longest time. It was the best. I was so happy.

After a while, though, I started to feel…weird. It was the same thing every day. Nothing else. Nothing. I don’t think he even brought up the fact that we even started…dating. So I thought, ‘Maybe I should make him happy by buying him gifts,’ and I did. All he would say was, ‘You really didn’t have to, you shouldn’t waste your money,’ but he would take it anyways. I gave him more and more, more items, more encouragement, more me- I vowed myself to him before he could even acknowledge me as his own.”

He looks at his hands, and Jongin continues to stare with half-lidded eyes, and he could feel the heart ache tingle in his chest. It makes the lump him his throat feel even more painful.

“And after a while, he would say ‘I’ll be back,’- sometimes when I would come over and sometimes at night. I thought it was for business, but it happened too often, and when he would step foot into the house with that backstabbing fragrance and smeared bright red lipstick on his neck and collar, he would take me right then and there. It wasn’t the same. It burned. I wasn’t melting, I was scorching, and Jongin, I…” he shakes his head, wiping his tears with his sleeve. Jongin reaches out a hand and places it on his shoulder, turning Kyungsoo towards him to form a deep embrace. His head buries into his neck as he sobs onto his jacket, and Jongin rubs circles into his back with one hand, the back of his head with the other.

“…It turns out that first loves aren’t always what they are made out to be. I learned a million lessons that night, and I don’t plan to relive a second of it. Not one.

But, Jongin, when I look at you, I see something different,” he says truthfully into Jongin’s shoulder. “You smile and laugh, but it’s all still very vague to me. I can’t really understand it right now, but I think it’s nice. It feels…warm.”

Jongin’s heart skips a beat and he stops his hand for a couple of seconds, but quickly continues to rub his back again.

“It’s different, but I like it. So, maybe if you give me a chance, then maybe I can find out what it is that’s making me feel this way. I don’t want to give myself away if it’ll only lead to my own misery again.” Kyungsoo’s eyes are still closed, but he finds Jongin’s hand and laces his fingers between the others. He scoots closer to him, face still in his neck, and Jongin holds tighter as his mind puts him into a daze that only sees bright lights and shooting stars. There’s one last sentence that escapes Kyungsoo’s mouth that night, and his lips hover millimeters away from his jawline to the corner of Jongin’s own mouth.

“I’ll make you love me if you agree to make me love you in return.”

The deal is sealed with a deep kiss, and Jongin feels the wave of warmth from head to toe that makes him hold on even tighter.

--

Three days later, Kyungsoo and Jongin are the only ones awake again, and they lie closer to each other than usual. Soft snores echo against the walls of the trailer, and Jongin could almost make out a tune to the low breathing of the other members while Kyungsoo hums a song. It’s calming, and the younger feels like he’s floating. Jongin is on cloud nine, and Kyungsoo is an angel.

They talk with not their mouths, but their hands; not their voices, but their eyes. Kyungsoo’s hands are small and soft. Jongin decides he likes it. No, he likes Kyungsoo.

It started out small. Not a lot happened, but Jongin slowly grew to accept the fact that his feelings for the other were more than to be just friends. Rather, the feelings he felt for Chanyeol were on completely different levels compared to Kyungsoo- or even the feelings he had for his past relationship felt- Kyungsoo was much more. This wasn’t any ordinary grade-school crush that one decides to tell every single friend they have, but rather something stronger. He was pulled in, given the chance, and he didn’t even have to go through the process of asking to go on dates because it just sort of happened. Both of them knew, it went smoothly, and here they were, exchanging silent words to each other, too captivated to even move.

“What made us like this,” Jongin mutters as he stares at nothing but Kyungsoo’s lips. Said boy smiles with tired eyes.

“Who knows,” he whispers. “A new life path, maybe. We may have stepped on different sets of stones, but in the end, our path crossed ways, and we passed each other. It leaves me thinking about what the meaning of life is. Maybe, everything happens for a reason.”

Jongin chuckles. “I’d like to think that we’ve just started. Our paths crossed each other, but that doesn’t mean two people can’t walk one road, right?” Kyungsoo purses his lips, and Jongin continues. “I used to play with dominos, love, and from one flick to one end, each and every one would fall until all of them were down. Like sacrifices, I guess. I’m starting to think that taking my own life started that little trigger. Maybe it was a good thing, because if I were to be alive, I wouldn’t be here.”

Kyungsoo frowns, but gives an uneasy grin. “Excellently worded out, but if I were to give my input, I’d say that you deserved to live.”

“I’m sure everyone here deserved to live. After all, their deaths were controlled completely by their own will. But, my death…”

The smaller finally looks somewhere other than Jongin’s eyes, gazing around the dark cramped space in thought. “Jongin,” he pauses. “…Jongin,  some people became so manipulated by pain that they just panic. And when they’ve finally reached the solution to their problem, they’re too blinded to even see it. So many people deserved to live, so many. If only the world were to give second chances…No. Jongin, if you were given another chance to live, would you take it?”

“Only if I had regretted my death enough.”

“Do you regret it now?”

He turns and stares up at the ceiling of the bunk bed. “Of course I do.”

“But you wouldn’t take another chance?”

“It’s not fair,” Jongin explains. “Why should I be given another chance if other people deserve it more than I do? I’ll be reminded of here if I am to go back, and it would only make me sad.”

Kyungsoo stares. “You act like you know what’ll happen.”

“Maybe I do.”

The other doesn’t reply. Instead, he shuffles his body in the bed and grabs more of the blanket.

“Is that why you keep disappearing?”

Jongin furrows his eyebrows. “Huh?”

Kyungsoo shrugs his shoulders, pouting a bit from his ignorance. “When you disappear, you say it’s familiar, but you fall right back to sleep. Is that your second chance?”

“I don’t understand why it would be.”

“It could be.”

Jongin slowly nods. “It could be…”

“Even so,” Kyungsoo turns onto his side. “Don’t leave. Not yet.”

But Jongin’s already drowsy, and he almost doesn’t get the chance to say “I won’t, I promise,” for the last time in what would feel like eternity.

Jongin doesn’t remember falling asleep after Kyungsoo.

--

His head pounds through his skull and he opens his eyes too early, the bright sun burning into his eyes and the itchy green grass under him poking through his white clothes. Except, there is no sun and there is no grass. White lights form in pairs above him, and he lies in a high bed with white iron railings and silky bed sheets of the same color. He groans as he closes his eyes again, tries to stretch to pop his aching body, and grimaces at the odd cold feeling in his nose and down his throat. He moves his arms that feel oddly heavy, connected by clear tubes of a see-through substance and bandages that hold everything in place. A mask settles onto the lower portion of his face, and it makes his breathing sound craggy and loud. He coughs, rubs the corner of his eye, and it takes him a couple of seconds that feel like minutes to understand his situation. When it hits him, his eyes widen, and he panics.

He pulls off the mask and sits up straight so fast that his head spins. Next to him sits a woman who stirs awake at the sound of a clatter against the tile floor, and she looks up to him in pure shock.

His mother takes him into her arms with a gasp, rubbing his back and touching his face all over. She immediately holds up a finger and fishes out her phone, whipping around and dialing a number.

While she’s busy speaking rapidly into the phone, Jongin stares at his reflection in one of the mirrors across the room and laughs in disbelief. He lifts his hand up to feel his hair between his fingertips, combs it back, and lets it fall back down. It’s no longer blond like when Sehun had dyed it- it was black like it always had been before. His face is lighter, but he’s not sure if that’s due to the contrast of the tones or the amount of time he’d been asleep, given that he had been asleep for a long, long time, and it leaves him horrified.

But, what leaves him even more horrified is the fact that the others are gone. There are no road-trips, there is no laughter from the crew, and most of all, there is no Do Kyungsoo.

His mother turns back around when she finishes the call and rushes to Jongin’s side, sitting in the chair next to the bed. Jongin flinches when she reaches out her hand, making her slowly take it back and look at him in worry.

“Jongin?” she asks. “Jongin, do you remember me, honey?” The boy nods slowly.

“Can you speak?” she asks.

It takes him a while to reply, but he eventually mutters out a small “Yes.” She sighs with relief.

“Hun, I’m not sure if you remember, but you were found in your room with an empty bottle of pills in your hand. We had to pump it all out, but it left you unconscious-“

“Wheres…”

She stops. “Jongin?”

“Where’s Kyungsoo?” he asks, still a bit out of it. She opens to reply but shakes her head instead.

“I don’t…”

Two more people burst through the door with excited expressions, and Jongin recognizes them as his father and little sister. Haneul, his sister, runs up to him teary-eyed and throws her arms around him. He gladly takes her into his arms and lets her sit on the side of the bed.

“Oppa!” she cries, rubbing her face into his chest. “Oppa, I missed you so much.”

Jongin chuckles into her hair. “I missed you too.” He says softly before their mother lifts her off the bed and places her next to her instead. His father takes the other side of the bed and places his hand on Jongin’s shoulder.

“Jongin,” he starts. “This was…very serious. Do you know- or- Why did you do what you did?” Jongin bites his lip and looks at his lap. The words that try to form a sentence in his head just jumble up, so he shrugs.

“I panicked, I think.” He says. “My week was so bad to the point where I panicked. In the end, I gave up. When you three were gone, I couldn’t even think, and…” Jongin stops, unable to form any more words.

It’s quiet for a short period of time, but his family members take the opportunity to enjoy the presence of his consciousness. The nurse comes in and asks a few questions, but seeing nothing out of the ordinary, she explains that Jongin would have to stay for another day before he could go back home for examinations. Eventually, she smiles and leaves.

Jongin’s mother places her hand on his knee and looks at him with worried eyes. “Hun, who was it that you were talking about? Kyung…?”

“Soo.” He finishes, the words slipping out of his mouth as if he longed to say the boy’s name again. His throat burns from the misery and thought of not being able to see him again. So, he shakes his head and forces a smile.

“It’s nothing,” he assures. “Don’t worry.”

Later that night, Jongin falls asleep, but Kyungsoo is nowhere to be found.

--

Kyungsoo runs through the bus with furrowed eyebrows and a painful pout on his lips as he clenches Jongin’s shirt in his hand. He drops down the ladder and looks around frantically, earning wide-eyed stares from the others. He can’t find the other at all, having looked for nearly ten minutes, and he exhales a whimper.

“Do you guys see Jongin anywhere?” he asks. Everyone looks to each other with confused faces, but they shake their heads.

“Is he not here?” Joonmyun asks. Chen slows the bus to a stop.

“Did we forget somebody?” Kyungsoo shakes his head.

“He was with me, but now he’s gone, and…”

Luhan gets up from his seat. “Did he leave?”

“His stuff’s still here,” Tao answers. “I doubt he’d leave all of that behind.”

By this point, tears well up in Kyungsoo’s eyes. He clenches the shirt harder and slowly kneels onto the ground. Holding up the shirt to his face, he wipes his tears.

“He’s gone,” he breathes out after a long time. “He promised, but…”

Kyungsoo makes room on his bed, in hopes that Jongin would return soon.

Woahhh long time no update. School , I know.

But, I kinda sloppily put this together. It was kinda obvious that this would happen but from here on out? //shrugs suggestively