Chapter 17: Decisive

After I finished cleaning the table, I got my things and said goodbye. I know I need to talk to both of them, but I would rather do it after I’ve done some thinking on my own. I don’t want to say something then regret it after. I was about a block away from my apartment when my phone rang, Dara unnie was calling and I know why. I hesitantly press receive and brace myself.

“Ya! What happened? You know we can’t spend even a night outside the apartment! Lucky for you, I covered for you or else you would be toast right now!”

I flinch.

“I’m sorry unnie, can we meet somewhere? I need some advice.” I know she’s worried and I really want someone who will help me see things in a different perspective. She paused and sighed.

“Okay, meet me at our coffee shop in about five minutes. You better be there when I arrive.” Then she hangs up.

I leisurely walk towards “our” coffee shop. It isn’t really our coffee shop, we just go there for coffee – always. Their caramel macchiato is amazing. I arrive two minutes early, I was waiting for my order when unnie arrived, she waved at me and I flashed a smile. She’s such a ball of energy most of the time.

“I already ordered your usual.” I tell her smiling, she pats my hand and I’m surprised by the gesture. She looks at me in the eyes and offers a weak smile.

“Are you okay?” She asked me in a hushed tone. I almost teared up when the buzzer for our order lit up. I stood up and went to get our order. I took a deep breath and made my way back to the table. I smiled and gave unnie her order.

When I sat down I tried to avoid eye contact, but I could feel at her staring at me so instead of prolonging my agony, I started to tell her what happened.

“Do you remember the childhood friend I kept telling you about? Turns out the world is such a small place. My childhood friend is Lu Han, I know it’s stupid of me to not even know because they’re so popular, but you know how my schedule has been. Before I knew it, I was already stuck in the middle. You were right, I should know my own feelings. I’m having a hard time unnie. I know who I’m going to chose but I don’t want to let go of the other, it sounds selfish and it probably is, but I don’t know if I can lose either of them. What do I do?” I say, defeated. She holds my hand, urging me to look at her and I do.

She smiles at me and says, “In life, we can only control so little. It’s their choice if they would want time away from you. You can’t do anything about that but, you can’t keep holding on to the both of them just because it scares you. It’s unfair and I think you already know what you should. Just remember that whatever you decide to do, everything will eventually turn out the way it’s supposed to.”

I smile weakly and nod my head. “Thank you unnie, you always know the right things to say.” She shakes her head, “I just know what you needed to hear.”

We finished our drinks and I went straight to my apartment. I know my mom has been patient enough, I know she’s worried sick and I need to tell her everything before I decide on something.

I text both Lu Han and Jongin if they were available to meet later, the both of them said yes. I still had time before 6 in the evening, so I decided to skype my mom.

“What’s happened to you? You didn’t call yesterday, I was worried something might have happened. I thought the sasaengs already got to you.” She scrunches her forehead.

“I’m sorry mom, everything has just been crazy, and I know that’s no excuse. I’m sorry.” I tell her, hoping she’ll understand. She nods her head and smiles.

“What’s been happening? I might be able to help.”

I tell her everything, from meeting Lu Han again to my confusion. She listens and clarifies some things and before I knew it, I had told her everything that had happened. She stays silent for about two minutes then she says, “Who do you love now? The past can always come back and confuse us if we let it. I’m not invalidating your feelings for Lu Han, he’s a good kid, but is he still the same person you know from all those years ago? And are you still the same Ren Ming he knows? It’s easier to love the idea of someone than truly loving that person for who he or she is. No one is perfect, and everyone changes, it’s only a matter of accepting that person wholeheartedly and knowing that you will both help each other thrive rather than pulling each other down.” I stay silent for a few minutes, I know I’ve changed a lot from the last time we talked to each other and I know that he’ll probably say he’ll get to know me once more but is this what I really want?

I smile at my mom who has always had my back all these years, she has always looked out for me in every aspect of my life. We had our series of fights and misunderstandings but in the end, she still always wants what’s best for me. I smile at my and thank her. We talked for over an hour – about her life, how they’ve been doing and what’s been happening to the country. When it was time o say goodbye, my mom told me something that I will never forget.

“I know I’ve tried to control every aspect of your life and although I did out of love, it doesn’t make it okay. I’m sorry, but I hope that whatever you decide to do, you always decide to choose happiness. I know you’ve been doing everything you think will make me proud but I’m already proud of you, I may always be pushing you to do better – that’s just in my nature – but I have always been proud of you. Take care and remember that fate will always run its course.”

It was only two in the afternoon and I still had time to kill, so I decided to head to the training room. I put in a random melody and just danced to the rhythm, I let my feelings pour out and by the time the playlist was over, I was covered with sweat. I haven’t danced like that in a very long time and it made my head clear. It made everything seem easy. I know what I have to do.

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And it's getting close! Another update and I hope you like this one to! Add me, like, upvote and comment!

xoxoxo Kyon Seul