“Snow…”, the word came out of my mouth as little white flakes began falling from above. They danced as the breeze blew. Though it was freezing, the cold didn’t seem to bother me as much as the reason why it’s cold did.

                The fact that the worst time of the year is drawing near makes my heart ache all over again. The first day of snow is supposed to be special. But why am I so hurt when everybody else is all excited. How I wish I could feel what they feel. But I know that won’t happen.

                The temperature remained low as the days passed. I was walking by the street when I heard the bells ring from the nearby church. Every sound of it pierced me.

                “No… stop!”, I blocked my ears with my cold hands, trying to keep the sound away but it was no use. “Stop! Stop! STOP!!”, I kept yelling.

                I fell on the ground as the ringing of the bells went on. I kept my hands on my ears as I cried hopelessly.

                “Miss… are you okay?”, some guy passing by stop to try and help me.

                But I just pushed him away. “Don’t touch me! Go away! Leave me alone!!!! Go away!!”, I cried out. I can see by the look on his face that I freaked him out. But I just didn’t care at the moment. I just kept lying on the ground, as the cold pierced through my clothes.

                “Make it stop… make it stop… please…”, I cried with my eyes closed. “I’m begging you please make it stop…”

                After a few long moments, the painful noise finally ceased. I managed to get back on my feet though my whole body was freezing. My eyes were all swollen as I went on strolling down the street. Passing by a few blocks, I was back at the apartment, our apartment.

                I took off my coat and went to the bathroom to wash my hands and feet with warm water. Every part of me felt like ice. I took off my clothes and bathe. I tried my best to clear my thoughts, but the carols from outside wasn’t making thing easy for me.

                After a warm bath, I put on warm clothes and went towards the bed. There were two pillows, one on the left and one on the right. I lied on the left side, like always. It was my side of the bed. I spread my arms on the other side, remembering what it’s like when my love was there with me.

                I closed my eyes as tears began to fall. Two years ago, on Christmas Eve, I remember Hyomin staring up at me on a bended knee, asking for my hand. How that moment was the happiest of my life. I said yes to him with teary eyes. We lasted a year and it was the best one I ever had and could ever have.

                Christmas Eve last year, on our first anniversary, we were supposed to meet each other in our favorite restaurant. We already had a table reserved for two. That night, I was there first. My anniversary gift for him was on my hand, a key to the small recording studio I bought for him. I knew he always wanted one of his own. I knew Hyomin would love it.

                We were supposed to meet at 8 but it was already a quarter passed nine and he still wasn’t there. I tried to call him hundreds of times, but he won’t answer the phone. I sent him messages asking what’s taking him so long, where he was, what’s going on… but still no reply from him.

                About nine thirty, I decided to go back home. Not too long after I left the restaurant, my phone rang. It was Hyomin’s name flashing on the screen.

                “Yah! Seobang! Where the h*ll are you?!! I’ve been waiting for hours! How could you not come?!”, I yelled on the phone.

                “Miss Park Jiyeon? Is this Miss Jiyeon?”, a guy’s voice said from the other line. But it wasn’t Hyomin’s.

                “Uhh… Yes? Who is this?”, I asked and that was the last thing that came out of my mouth.

                The guy on the phone was a nurse working on the nearby hospital. He apologized for not being able to deliver the news earlier. How I wish he just didn’t made the call. How I wish he just didn’t bother to give the news. I wish he I just didn’t know about what happened. Getting left behind for an unknown reason would’ve hurt me a lot, but knowing that my beloved was gone was a lot worse.

                Hyomin was shot, trying to prevent a hold-up on a toy store. Hyomin loved giving stuff to kids like us. That toy store donates toys to orphans every Christmas. Maybe he just couldn’t let those bad people ruin the occasion for those poor kids. I would’ve done the same thing as he did. But why did he have to go and leave me behind?

                My whole world broke apart the moment that nurse said he was sorry for my loss. It was Christmas and I couldn’t be with my love. It was supposed to be the time of giving, but the world wook everything away from me. That moment, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t know how I was supposed to live. I just couldn’t go on without him, not without Hyomin… not without my love.

                I can’t remember what happened the next few days after that. On the day of his funeral, only a few people came. We were both orphans and both grew up in foster homes. We both knew what it’s like to be left abandoned, and we promised that we will never… ever… let each other feel that way again.

                But why am I here right now, like this? Why am I alone? Why am I sad? I know he didn’t abandon me. I know he, himself, didn’t want to go. But that’s just how cruel the world is.

                After the funeral, the nurse that delivered me the news came to me. He gave a folder with scores inside. It was a composition, a song. He said it was found with Hyomin’s body.

                When I got back home that day, I opened the folder and sat in front of the piano. I played the notes and sang the lyrics that he wrote with it.

Every 25^th of December,

There’s a lot that I miss

I can’t even remember

A Christmas day of bliss

I used to cry a lot as a kid

Every time I’m left alone

But when you came into my life

I knew that I was home

I didn’t want you to shed Christmas tears like me

So that day I made myself yours to be

Jingle bells of my music

Igloo that keeps me warm

You’re the only one that’s on my list

Exciting me through the night

On the best time of the year

New memories we’ll make

‘Cause my J-I-Y-E-O-N

Is the only one on my list

If you feel like crying inside

I’ll wipe your tears away

And if tonight, I’m not by your side

It means I’m on my way

I didn’t want you to shed Christmas tears like me

So until forever I am yours to be

Jingle bells of my music

Igloo that keeps me warm

You’re the only one that’s on my list

Exciting me through the night

On the best time of the year

New memories we’ll make

And my J-I-Y-E-O-N

I hope I’m also on your list

I didn’t want you to shed Christmas tears like me

So please, tonight, will you smile for me

Oh Jingle bells of my music

The Igloo that keeps me warm

You’re the only one that’s on my list

Exciting me through the night

Now On the best time of the year

I hope New memories will be made

But if I can’t be with my J-I-Y-E-O-N

I hope I’m not the only one on her list

                I kept singing the song over and over. And tonight, I’m singing it to myself again. It’s Christmas Eve, the day I’m supposed to be celebrating with my love, I’m here alone humming the last notes he wrote.

                How I wish to be happy and smile for him like the song says. But how could I be happy when the most beautiful time of the year is the day his heart stopped beating? What’s so merry about Christmas if I can’t be with him?

                Singing the last lines of the only song that my heart knows, “But if I can’t be with my J-I-Y-E-O-N, I hope I’m not the only one on her list…”, the doorbell rang.

                I tried my best to force myself to get up. I opened the door and I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was a guy with Hyomin’s height, with Hyomin’s eyes, with Hyomin’s every single feature that stood in front of me. It’s him…

                “S- Seo- Seobang~?”, I stepped closer to him. “Seobang!”, I threw my harms around him and cried on his shoulders. “I knew you’d come back! I knew you’ll never leave me behind… I knew you were on your way…”, I kept crying.

                But he pulled away. “Uhhmmm… Sorry Miss… I’m not Park Hyomin. I’m Park Sunyoung, his twin brother.”, his words struck me, but I couldn’t believe it. They looked exactly the same.

                Sunyoung told me that his mom said him he had a twin brother. But due to financial difficulties, they had to give him away. And for the last five years, he’s been trying to find his lost brother. But when he did, he found out that Hyomin’s dead. So instead, he went looking for me.

                Sunyoung’s parents, Hyomin’s real parents, recently passed away according to Sunyoung. He sold their family house and now he’s trying to find a place to stay in. And since I was having a hard time paying for the rent, I asked him to share the apartment with me.

                At first, I wanted to be with him because he reminded me so much of Hyomin. Having Sunyoung around made me feel like I was with my beloved. But as time passed, I realized that they, except for the looks, they were nothing alike. But my feelings towards Sunyoung remained. At first it felt like I was betraying my love to Hyomin. But then, I realized what the last lines of his song meant.

But if I can’t be with my J-I-Y-E-O-N

I hope I’m not the only one on her list

                Hyomin can’t be with me anymore. And he hopes that he’s not the only one I’ll be wishing for, for the rest of my life, because years ago, I’ve already gotten my first wish, Hyomin. And we had our time, we had our chance, and we made it last.

                Now it’s time to move on. It’s time to make a new list, like what Hyomin wants to do.