You kept on going through the files on your laptop, and the more you went through them, the more you had the impression that the Kevin in those audio recordings was the real Kevin, the one you couldn’t remember, but the one who was truly him. He was overly happy, sweet, kind, adorable.

And he was your ex.

You decided to stop listening to those files after you found one that went like this:

Silence for one second.

‘Vinnie, wish me goodnight.’

‘Goodnight?’

‘No, not like this! Like usual, but on the recorder!’

‘Why?’

‘So I can listen to it and smile before going to bed even when you’re not by my side.’

*chuckle* ‘All right. Can I customize it?’

‘Sure?’

‘All right.’

Silence.

‘Hey, love… it’s Kevin. I love you, pretty lady. Are you lonely without me? I wish you were by my side. Close your eyes, love. Imagine you’re in my arms. Imagine my lips on yours. Bring your phone close to your ear, okay? It’ll be better like this.’

Kevin’s voice becoming a whisper.

‘I love you, pretty lady. Goodnight. Sleep tight, and dream of me. Because you know you’re my girl, right? You’re the only one I love. The only one I’ve ever loved, the only one I’ll ever love. So, goodnight. I love you.’

Silence. End.

This recording was just a big feature on his voice. His beautiful, sweet voice. The quality was horrible, because it had been recorded with your cellphone. But his voice was still so beautiful. And so full of love. You decided to stop listening to those because you felt like you weren’t the one he was talking to. You knew he was talking to you. But you couldn’t remember any of these moments, so it just felt… wrong, to be listening to them. Looking at the photos was okay. But those recordings were more private, more… intimate. It was between Kevin and the past you. The past you that you couldn’t remember.

You got up and decided to do something else. Maybe going to take a walk would help you forget about those questions that kept invading your mind. The thought of having done something that made Kevin want to break up with you kept you from concentrating on anything else. You knew Kevin seemed to still appreciate you… but he had been the one wanting to break up. Which was why you thought it was probably your fault; maybe you had done something unforgivable and he had told you he wanted to break up following this, without really thinking about it?

You sighed. It was no use thinking about it. You went to Old Montreal and started walking around, appreciating the bustling activity of the quarter. You couldn’t help but flinch a little every time you saw a young happy couple, though. It kept on bringing back the questions. You knew you had been very cold to him when you had seen him the other day, at least at first, and then you had warmed up to him as you had learned about him once again. Such a sweetie…

“Hello?”

You turned, startled, when a hand touched your shoulder, accompanied by a soft voice. You opened wide eyes in surprise, but you were reassured in no time. It was just Kevin…

“Hey,” you said.

“Are you okay? You looked sad.”

“I’m fine.”

It wasn’t exactly a lie. You were fine, you were just attacked by dozens of unanswered questions.

“What about you?” you asked back.

“I’m fine too. Are you taking a walk?”

“Yeah. You too?”

“Yeah, me too.”

As he spoke, you could hear the musical touches of his voice. You hadn’t noticed before, but now that you knew he could sing very well… You couldn’t ‘unhear’ them. You kept silent for a moment before you looked at him in the eyes, frowning. You had noticed that his clothes looked old and a bit ragged…

“Don’t you have… you know… newer clothes?”

He chuckled. “I don’t have money for newer clothes. Especially not with school taking so much time now. I can only work for about forty hours these days.”

“I see.”

“Mind if I accompany you?”

“Eh?”

“You’re taking a walk and so am I. Mind if we walk together?”

“Oh, uh… nah. I don’t.”

“Cool!”

You started walking with him, following the river. You had that song stuck in your head… You started humming it in a low voice, not knowing the lyrics, as you were walking. You noticed Kevin frowning softly.

“You… know this song?”

“Hmm? Oh, yeah.”

You decided not to give him any other detail. Just to see if he’d know why you knew it, when you clearly didn’t remember anything about him.

“Did you listen to the recordings?”

Wow. He actually remembered them. The one with the song was four years old, you had checked. He was good. Unless you had shown it to him afterwards, or reminded him, or anything like that…

“Yeah,” you simply answered.

“Dang, it’s been so long… when was this one already? We had barely started dating. I think we were together for five months when you asked me to sing something for you on your new cellphone.”

“You actually remember such small events?”

“Small events? I remember every second spent with you,” he chuckled with a little sad smile. “None of these was a ‘small event’ to me. When I could be with you, I always gave you my entire attention.”

You noticed how his hair was getting pretty long, how his bones were showing everywhere you could see skin, how he seemed so much thinner than the last time you had seen him – before PE class, of course. Why was he getting thinner and thinner every time? You suddenly remembered something from the recordings, and you silently mouthed it a few times before you said it out loud.

“Vinnie…”

He stopped walking, opening wide eyes, looking at you. You stopped too and looked at him in the eyes. You could see hope in them, until he suddenly sighed and looked away, looking sad.

“Right, you listened to the recordings.”

“Is that the nickname I used to give you?”

“Yeah… You were the only one who called me that.”

“Do you mind if I call you that?”

“Call me whatever you want.”

He kept on walking, and you stayed there for a few seconds, frowning, before you ran after him.

“Vinnie, wait! Ugh, you and your grasshopper legs! Mine are shorter, wait for me!”

He stopped and turned, chuckling, before a beautiful smile appeared on his lips. Similar, but not quite the same, as the one he had on those photos of you two together. This new smile was sadder, but also more mature. Skinnier, too…

“Vinnie, you don’t eat enough,” you mumbled once you were next to him again, walking by his side.

“Uh? What do you mean?”

“Seriously, how much do you weigh?”

“Uh… last time I checked, it was at the doctor’s… I think it was 50 kg? About 110 pounds? Why?”

“What the- dude, I’m freakin’ 10 pounds heavier than you… and that’s just because I lost a LOT of weight… I’m not sure whether I’m jealous of your weight or worried because it’s not normal for a guy to be this light…”

“But it’s okay for you to be heavier than me, it shows that you eat as much as you need, and even more when you feel like it. Plus, a little chubbiness on you is adorable.”

He gasped and put his hands in front of his mouth. “Ugh… I-I didn’t want to say that, I… sorry…”

“Whaddya mean, sorry?”

“Well we’re not together anymore… so it’s a bit inappropriate of me to say that…”

“You see the guy over there?”

“Which one?”

“This one, the Asian.”

“Yeah?”

“He’s cute.”

“…”

“See, I’m not going out with him and I say he’s cute, because I think so. Isn’t that fine? Thinking someone is cute doesn’t mean you need to be with them.”

He kept silent for a few seconds before he laughed softly, his eyes almost disappearing in his smile.

“I see! Well, you’re very cute. Extremely beautiful. I love your smile. I wish I could hear you laugh once again…”

“Wow. That was quite direct.”

“Because that’s what I think.”

You remembered the first recording you had listened to. What would it be this time?

“Vinnie?”

“Yeah?”

“Say the first thing that comes to your mind.”

“I miss you.”

He blushed a little, but didn’t look away. You nodded and simply kept on walking. Not knowing what you could tell him.