“Yes, I think he’s right. Maybe you just can’t clear your thoughts and think you have forgotten, when actually, all those memories are somewhere in your head.” To underline his words, the doctor tapped the pen against his temple and stood. He didn’t say that it was unusual for somebody to just forget memories they shared with one certain person, he didn’t voice the fact that he mistrusted Jaejoong, and he was thankful for that. There was no need to make Jiyeon worry even more.

They sat in the car, trying to get through Seoul’s traffic, and were both quiet. Too quiet for her taste. There was so much she needed to know, so many memories she needed to recall. She wanted him to tell her everything, from the beginning to the end, wanted him to help her remember, but she knew that it was senseless. No matter how many stories he told her, she couldn’t remember. She loved the details, though. Now, with him telling her all the stories, she realized for the first time that he really loved her. She realized that his love was deep, unconditional.

Their house was barely even half an hour away from the doctor’s office, but they needed two hours to get home. And even when they arrived, they remained silent. He got out of his shoes and sat down at the table, head in his hands. She sat down next to him and leaned her head against his shoulder, taking in his scent. Mixed with his cologne it was the sweetest scent in the world. The only scent that meant home to hear. She would usually wear his sweaters when he was at work, just to feel safer, better. Even now, with so many memories missing, she did that. She loved him. She would always love him. Even if she couldn’t remember his name. Only seeing him brightened up her day. And she doubted that it would ever change.

“It will be alright again, won’t it?” She asked after some time. All that she received as an answer was a quiet whimper. Never before had she heard him whimpering. She brought some space between the two of them and took his hands away from his face, forcing him to look at her. Silent tears were making their ways out of his eyes, rolled down his cheeks and landed on the table. If she would have watched closely, she would’ve seen them turning to steam upon touching the hard surface.

“Jaejoong-ah,” she said, wiping away his tears. This felt wrong. She should be the one to cry, and he should be the one strong for her. The sight of him crying alerted her, and it made her feel uneasy, and it made her realize that he knew more than her. She took her hands away and looked into his eyes. The mirror of somebody’s soul. They were empty and deep. It was something she’d usually loved, but now it made her feel uncomfortable. She could see herself in those eyes, could see her own eyes, and saw that something was off. Not with his eyes only, but with hers as well.

“What’s happening?” She asked, feeling a cold, icy wall creeping up between the two of them, enforcing to bring to space between them. He had stopped crying, his eyes were empty, empty and deep, and his lips slightly parted. She didn’t see the agony he was going through beneath. Fists clenched, he cleared his throat, afraid of his voice sounding shaky.

“Maybe you need some time… Some time away from me,” he suggested. She blinked in horror and watched him closely, waiting for a sign, for something that told her he was fooling around with here. There wasn’t. And she could feel the cold climbing up her back, causing her to shudder several times. Despite the invisible wall she crossed the meter between the two of them, sat down on his lap and looked into his eyes. The eyes of her one and only love.

“The last thing I need is time. We need to make new memories while I try to remember the old ones.” It sounded reasonable, at least to her. However, she didn’t know what he knew. She didn’t know that she would never get back her memories. She didn’t know that it was part of the curse. She didn’t know that he was to blame.

“You don’t understand…” his voice wasn’t more than a whisper. He was afraid. Afraid of losing her, afraid of having to let her go. After all those years he’d finally managed to heal her heart, to heal his heart. He was too selfish to let go of all this. He was nothing without her. Just somebody living into the day, hoping that someday somebody would find a way to take away his life. He felt her slipping through her fingers, and he hated that.

He could feel a finger on his lips and her shushing him while leaning in to kiss him. He kissed her back, knowing he shouldn’t. He couldn’t not do it, though. After all, he didn’t know how much time they had left.

Secember 20, 2011

The table was set up, the food was ready, and the fire was crackling in the chimney. It was unusual cold for September. Lighting up a fire had been her idea. She was down lately, what with losing the job and her sister being stood up at the altar. She’d gone out with a friend of hers, and he was eager to make the night as relaxing and beautiful as possible for her. He wanted her to feel good again, wanted her to smile more often, wanted her to stop frowning. She loved western food, and so he’d decided for traditional polish dishes. It was something different than the typical Asian food they usually ate. He knew she’d love it. He knew she’d smile.

He lit up a few candles on the table and around, and finally turned off the light. Not only was the room warm, it smelled nicely for the candles had a vanilla scent. By the time she arrived the food had cooled down enough for them to eat it. She looked around the dark room and found him standing in the kitchen, preparing their plates. She approached him, looking over his shoulder and hugged him from behind. He could feel her smiling in his back and smiled himself, feeling nothing but relief.

“God blessed me with the best boyfriend of them all, do you know that?” She asked. He chuckled and turned around with the plates in his hands, released himself out of the embrace and placed them on the table. She sat down opposite of him and picked up the fork, taking a mouthful of the small pasta squares. She closed her eyes when she ate and he knew that she loved it. It didn’t take her long until she finished the meal. Jaejoong, who hadn’t been hungry in the first place, finished his meal as well and they both settled down on a blanket in front of the chimney, eating berries and drinking wine. It was one of those evenings they loved the most. He wasn’t into watching TV too much, and neither was she. They preferred listening to music and talking, drinking wine and fooling around with each other. They were a perfect match. And it wasn’t only them who had realized it by then.

“How was your day?” He asked her as he fed her strawberries, her favorites. She’d sighed and shrugged, signaling that she didn’t want to talk about it. He wanted to go on talking when she interrupted him.

“Oh, I might have to tell you something. Bom and Seunghyun want to come over for dinner next week. They’ll bring the baby. You should see her, she’s the most beautiful being in the world.” She smiled and shifted her position, now lying on her stomach, chin resting on her hands. “Do you want children someday?” She asked dead serious, but with a certain curiosity in her eyes. No, he didn’t. He couldn’t even stay with her forever, so why bother children? The lone thought about that stung him.

“With you, yes,” he said with a smile and sipped his wine. That was right. He did want children, he realized. He wanted to see them grow up, wanted to argue whether they looked more like him or like her. But that wouldn’t happen.

However, his answer made her happy, and that was reason enough to say it. “How many should we have, then?” She asked and lay down on her back again, placing her head in his lap. He pretended to think about it, looked deep into her eyes, and finally, shrugged.

“Two. If we have three, one will feel left out. And four is too much.” She made a face that showed him how unsatisfied she was with the answer. To underline the face, she shook her head.

“No, I think three children are perfect. If one goes out to meet up with some friends, the others still can spend some time together. And when they’re three together, they will have far more fun.” He didn’t mind. One child, two children, three children- what did it matter if one could have them with this woman? He pretended to weigh her argument and nodded.

“Fine. But if we are to have three children, I want us to move to the countryside. Our children should not grow up in a city like Seoul. I want them to grow up seeing stars, I want them to have seen a cow in real life, not only on the Television. They should learn to cherish fresh, non-polluted air. Play in our garden. Be carefree.” He said, feeding her another strawberry. She chewed on it longer than needed. He knew that she loved Seoul too much to ever leave it. She would disagree, and he’d have to give in, again.

“Fine,” she said against all expectations. He raised his eyebrows down at her, and she nodded. “Yes, I’m fine with that. As long as you’ll stay at home and be a good father while I’m at work.” He laughs at that. Both of them know that he’s not the housewife type of guy. And both of them know that if they were to have a child, she would be unable to leave it. Still, he agrees on that condition. It wouldn’t get that far. Might as well leave her the illusion of their perfect future.

“I love you,” she said after some time of silence. And it hit him like lightning. She loved him. He loved her. And yet, they wouldn’t last. Maybe in the next life- if he ever was to have a next life.