“Our first trip to Japan, it’s gone! I know that we’ve been there, but it’s gone. I can’t remember it! Where is it?” She shouted by then, tossing papers around, crying while clutching onto her heard, pulling her hair. And he sat there, motionlessly, unable to breathe. Where had they gone, indeed? “The more I think, the more gets lost!” She yelled again. He remembered to breathe. Inhale, Exhale. One, Two. Easy as that. He remembered how to make his heart beat again. Boom, boom- Boom, boom. Blood rushed through his veins, up to his head. He stood up, approached her, and pulled her into a tight embrace. Her fists met his chest, she bit and scratched, she told him to let go, to let go of her, of a woman that was unable to remember her first love, she cried, she shouted, but his strong arms held on to her. And eventually, she gave in. Her feet couldn’t carry her anymore. She collapsed right there in his arms. He carried her to their four-poster bed, laid the sleeping her down, tenderly washed her face, brushed her hair and covered her with the white, silky blanket. He lay beside her for hours, simply her cheek and watching her peaceful self. He didn’t know what had gotten into her. Maybe she had stressed herself at work too much. Whatever it was, he hoped it wasn’t what he thought it was. The only reason he’d never dared to get close to people. The only reason he’d wanted to avoid her at first, but had failed miserably. Inhale, Exhale. This wasn’t real.

***

“Tell me about it.” She leaned in the doorframe, wearing nothing but a shirt of his that was way too big for her. She’d calmed down, looked almost as beautiful as ever, but the sparkling was gone. He decided not to panic. She still loved him. She was confused, and that was alright. Eventually, she would remember it all again. There was no way somebody could forget his first love.

“Tell you about what?” He asked as he put the book aside. That was sign enough for her to approach him, place herself on his lap and snuggle up to him. She hid her face in the hollow between his shoulder and throat and tried to breathe steadily.

“Japan,” she breathed. “Tell me about Japan.”

December 17, 2008

They’d been together for over a year now. He still hadn’t really gotten used to that new situation, to having her in his life, but he had already decided to give it a try. To accept her as a part of his life. The journey had been her idea. She’d chosen the destination, the time of their stay, and everything else as well. The only thing he’d done was packing his things. She’d decided for a beautiful small hut on Mount Nanatsudake. He had never been there before and had to admit that he liked it. Unlike Seoul, the air here was fresh and clear. Everything was covered in fluffy, white snow. There was no comparison to the awful, brownish mud in Seoul. The hut was standing next to a forest. It was small, but still had place for approximately fifty guests. Belonging to the hut were two hot baths and six saunas. He wasn’t too amazed by all that, though. He might not have been there before, but he’d been to places that were prettier than this one. He did not voice that, though, for she was so stunned about the view they enjoyed. That was when he first noticed it- the sparkling in her eyes. He didn’t know whether or not it had been there before. If it was, he wondered why he hadn’t noticed before. It was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. Her brown eyes, the smile on her face, and the long, blond hair caused his heart to flutter. It fluttered, and his eyes widened, and he tried to grasp the situation. Why did his heart flutter? It shouldn’t be able to do that. Why did he feel sick and happy all at once, all together? He held his stomach, eyes still on her. She was looking through the window and lilted her head from one side to the other.

“What do you want to do, first? Sauna, bath, or simply sleep?” She turned around to face him, and he found himself breathless at the short distance between them. They had been close before, had even kissed, but never before had he felt so strange while doing so. He gazed into her eyes, down at her red lips, and exhaled. Inhale, exhale. Pull yourself together.

“I don’t care,” he muttered, stretched and sat down on the bed. Happy about having brought some distance between them, his body allowed him to relax. Not for long, though, as she was approaching him and sat down on his lap. He held his breath.

“Sauna it is, then,” she grinned and pecked his lips, causing them to feel tingly. He refrained from touching his lips and bit on them instead. Jiyeon arose and grabbed the pink sauna-towel she’d bought especially for the vacation, handing him another one. It was exactly the same just that instead of pink, she’d chosen a blue color for him. He thanked her and watched as she started to take off her shirt. Immediately, he jumped up.

“What are you doing?” He asked, the thought of her undressing in front of him suddenly frightening him. There was no need to, really. They’d been to swimming pools together, had made out and seen almost everything of the other’s body, but her undressing so freely in front of him made him feel uneasy. Questioning expression on her face she cocked her head.

“Why?” She asked, fingers still holding on to the hem of her shirt. Jaejoong arose and took her hands, leading them away from her shirt. She had a frown on her forehead and tried to understand. Suddenly her lips curled into a smile and she raised her hands. “Ah, so you want to do it?” The grin turned to a smirk and she waited for him to take off her shirt- something he’d never done before. He took a step back and shook his head, confusion and panic evident on his face.

“No, you should go to the bathroom. You can’t just undress in front of a man,” he informed her. He expected her to be angry or confused, but instead, she chuckled. She approached him, folded her arms in his neck and looked into his eyes. He couldn’t help but bring his hands to her waist. Her closeness made him feel uncomfortable and comfortable at the same time. He didn’t want to let go.

“Now I understand,” she said in a hushed voice, low and seductively, and started playing with his hair. “You wouldn’t be able to withstand, huh?” She leaned in for a kiss, and Jaejoong replied to it for a while. That was, until it got too intense- at least for his taste. He could feel her temperature change, her body becoming heat all of a sudden, her heart beat stronger and her breath was heavier, faster. He broke the kiss, panting himself. This wasn’t like it had been before. Never had it been so hard for him to break a kiss between the two of them.

“What about the sauna?” He asked. There was a pout on her lips, but she nodded. She leaned in for a short kiss and disappeared into the bathroom, just like he’d told her. Jaejoong, on the other hand, sat down on the edge of the bed and took some deep breaths. He did not know what was happening to him, but he did know that it wasn’t good. He couldn’t start caring for her too much. He should avoid her as much as possible.

It was harder than expected. By the time they got back to their room it was dark already, the moon was shining brightly. It was the only thing that lit up their room, and from here the sky looked beautiful. He could see stars, not the plain black sky he saw in Seoul. The moon was surrounded by hundreds of them, and all together it drowned the room in low, mysterious light.

Their hair was still wet and they were exhausted and relaxed at the same time. They hadn’t talked much while sitting in the sauna or in the hot baths, had only closed their eyes and relaxed. His plan had almost worked. However, back in the room, he couldn’t avoid her anymore. Her presence was all too evident to him. He could feel her every move, could hear every breath she made, could hear her heartbeat that sounded like a lullaby to him. It was him who reached out for her hand when she wanted to turn on the light, it was him who stopped her. It was only then that she realized how beautiful the room looked in the moonlight. Hand still in his hand, he pulled her close. His arms made their ways around her waist, resting on the fluffy towel she had decided to wear instead of a bathrobe. She rested her head on his chest, eyes closed as she listened to his rushing heartbeat.

“Are you happy?” She whispered after some time. Jaejoong didn’t know what to answer to that. Yes. Yes, he was happy. But no, he wasn’t. He was frightened, was worried about the condition he was in. And yet, there was nothing he could imagine to be better than this moment. He pushed her away a little, just enough for him to be able to raise his hands to her face. Like that, he cupped her cheeks with his soft palms and leaned into the first kiss that had been initiated by him. She was taken aback a little, she’d always thought he didn’t like her the way she did, but she’d eventually come to realize that it simply was him. He wasn’t able to show love. He maybe wasn’t even able to feel it. But what followed confused her whole world view.

He picked her up with one fast and strong movement, but didn’t break the kiss while doing so. No, even when he could feel the heat and heartbeat of hers, he didn’t stop. He placed her on the bed, hovering above her, and let his fingers trace down her neck, her shoulder, her arm. She brought her hands to his neck and buried her fingers in his long bangs. After some time, both of them shifted. Jiyeon was now on top of him and stopped for a moment, taking in the view of his bare upper body. There weren’t many muscles, but it still looked very defined. She started exploring it with her hands and finally rested them on his chest before she bent down and kissed him again. His fingers found the hem of her towel and he opened the one button that kept it together. It fell to the ground next to them and he had to break the kiss. He wanted to stop now, before it was too late, but one glance at the bare, smooth skin in front of him made him realize that he couldn’t. He pushed her back, climbed on top of her and gave in. He couldn’t fight it. He was too weak. Never before had he been weak. It was time for him to finally experience weakness. And his biggest weakness was her, Park Jiyeon.