“Daesung-ah?” I couldn't believe my eyes. He was standing right in front of me, as beautiful and full of life as he had ever been. “What?” he grinned back at me. “You're alive?” I reached out and touched his arm to confirm that I wasn't hallucinating. I really wasn't. It was real. I could feel his biceps hardening under my grip, Daesung clearly flexing them to impress me. It worked. I was more than impressed, I was thrilled. I couldn't understand how, but it was really him. He was really standing there before me, brighter than ever. “Yeah, I am.” he smiled. “I don't understand. But.. but... how?” I asked incredulously. I didn't really care how, the only thing that mattered was that he was alive.

“I'm sorry I couldn't tell you. I went to Germany for a highly experimental treatment and I wasn't allowed to tell anyone, not even you. It wasn't exactly what you would call legal, you see. But I was desperate, I wanted to live. I had nothing to lose. What were they going to do, throw my dead corpse in jail? I figured it was a risk I could handle.” Daesung explained, smirking as he finished that last sentence.

My jaw dropped to the floor. He had been alive all this time. Fifteen years and not a word. I started getting angry. Fifteen years in pure agony and he had been jumping around happily somewhere on a field in Germany. A scene from The Sound of Music featuring Daesung started playing in my head. So he had just been living his life like nothing had ever happened, while mine had been on hold all these years. I was about to voice my grievances, but Daesung already had an answer ready as if he had anticipated my reaction.

“It's not what you think. It's not that I didn't contact you, it's that I couldn't. I've been in a coma for a little over 14 years. I didn't tell you because one, I didn't want you to be an accomplice to my crime and two, I didn't want to give you false hope. And when I went into a coma, mom didn't want you to live her life. A life on hold. Like somebody had pushed the pause-button and then lost the remote for 14 years. She wanted you to have a life. After all, there was never much hope that I would ever wake up again. And since it had already been 14 years, I kind of wanted to get into shape before making my big reveal.” he grinned sheepishly, the embarrassment in his eyes indicating that he was telling the truth. Ah, how I had missed that cutest of expressions.

“Wow. Just.. wow.”. It was the only thing that came out. I was shocked and amazed. Daesung. My Daesungie. He was alive. I had never been as happy in my entire life. I felt like I was going to burst right open, there were so many feelings welling up inside of me, running through my veins at the speed of light. There was so much I had to say. The dialog I had one-sidedly had with him every day since he 'died' would fill thousands upon thousands of pages. I waded through the pile in my mind, trying to find the page marked one.

I opened my eyes. It was dark. It was so dark that I couldn't see my hands even if I held them up right in front of my nose, yet it couldn't compare to the darkness that had taken hold of my heart. A vortex of sorrow was building up inside it, getting ready to everything inside of me right into it, leaving me a hollow shell. An echo of what I was supposed to be.

Aishh, and I had just finished growing myself new organs after the last time Daesung had appeared in my dream, convincing me he was alive, feeding me some crazy story that made it all make sense. And every time I believed him. Every time it was the happiest moment of my life. And every time I woke up empty and alone, the pressure of the loneliness inside me threatening to tear me apart, eating up my insides and I had to start the healing process all over again.

I was tired. I didn't know whether I preferred the dreams where he was miraculously alive or those where I got to experience his death all over again. At first it had been no contest. I would have paid any price to see him again, even if it was only in a dream, even if it left me devastated. I didn't care if sorrow's truck ran me over, leaving me paralyzed on the side of the road, incapable of doing anything other than wallowing in its tracks. At least I got to see him. But now, I was tired of it. I was tired of all of it. I just wanted it to stop.

I got a pang of guilt in my stomach as I wished there was a pill I could take, a pill to erase my memory. A reset button. Ignorance sure was bliss. If I never knew Daesung existed, I could just go about my day like any other normal person, laughing at stupid jokes, getting excited over the fact that Jenny in accounting had her birthday and there was cake in the break room. I didn't ask for much. I just wanted a chance to live. A chance to say goodbye and move on.

But I knew that even if such a pill existed, I would never take it. It would be like killing him, erasing him from the surface of the planet, like his life had meant nothing. When in fact, it had meant everything. The memories of him were my most prized possessions, I wouldn't give them up for anything. Not even happiness. I would rather remember him and be miserable for the rest of my life. If only it didn't have to hurt so much.

I checked my watch. 4:26 AM. Great. Another sleepless night.

Then I remembered. The drug trial. I had gotten in and it started today. Today was going to be the first day of the rest of my life. No more dreams. No more sleepless nights. I knew I was going to miss seeing him on a regular basis, but I could always visit him inside my memories. Then it would be on my terms and I would have a chance to brace myself for the emotional turmoil that would follow. I knew I had to let go. I knew it was time. It wasn't me holding on anymore, it was him. The Daesung inside me needed closure and this was my way of saying goodbye.