I got on the subway. Crowds always made me lonely. They made me notice how isolated my heart was. I never felt as utterly alone as when I was surrounded by people. I would look at their smiles and wonder if they were like mine, a frozen mask to protect me from the world, or whether they were actually a product of happiness. Happiness. A concept I had already given up on. My happiness was gone, and there was nothing that could make it come back. My angel. My angel that had turned into a real angel.

Everyone always said it was better to have your loved one die from a terminal illness rather than a sudden accident, since you would get some time to prepare for what was to come. That it wouldn't be like a lightning strike on a clear sunny day. But how did you prepare yourself for a world without the love of your life, your soulmate? You couldn't. It always came as a shock. No matter how sudden or drawn out, death was a shock. And you couldn't even begin to imagine how it would be to lose someone you loved until you actually did.

'At least you get to say goodbye', they said. But I didn't get to say goodbye, not really. I wanted to, but I just couldn't. I wanted to tell him everything. How I had spent countless hours imagining our lives together, what kind of house we would get, what kind of dog we would have, if we would have kids, what kind of jobs, down to every little detail. How I could see no one but him, even in a sea of the most gorgeous guys in the world, the universe, he would still stand out like a sparkling gem amongst gravel. How he made my heart quiver every second that he was around. How his smell used to make me crazy. That I had even nicked his cologne one time and sprayed it on my teddy bear, just so I wouldn't miss him when he was away.

But what they didn't tell you, was that after you had heard the news, the most terrible news you could imagine, your head would refuse to work right. It would go into lockdown, protecting the body from the world of hurt that was heading its way. So you would go through the days in a haze, trying to make the best out of the time you had left. Which was gone in the blink of an eye. And you knew you had to say it, you knew you didn't have much time, but every time you tried, the words just got stuck in your throat, refusing to come out. Because saying those words meant it was really the end. That there wouldn't be a next time. So you'd save it for next time. But there came a time when there really wasn't a next time. And then your chance had flown out the window, your chance was dancing with the angels, mocking you from above for being such a coward.

On a particularly good day, a month after the diagnosis, we went to this quiet little forest in the outskirts of town. Not many people knew about it, so it was kind of our forest. There was a tiny little clearing somewhere inside, we had stumbled upon it one of the countless times we went there to hang out after school. Or sometimes we would just skip school altogether and go straight to our little closed off universe. We had no idea how we had found it, so on our way back we carved little markings in the trees that only we would recognize. The way to freedom we used to call it. Freedom. Freedom only tasted sweet if you had someone to drink it with, I found out. Two straws, that was what made life worth living.

That day we went on a picnic, I had packed a lunch with all of Daesung's favorite things in the world. It was packed to the brink, I didn't want to miss a single thing so I tried to anticipate every single craving he might have. Even though he didn't really have much appetite after he had started the chemo. And off we went.

It was like a dream. He was in such good spirits that it was almost like he wasn't sick. Like we were just cutting school like we used to do, joking and laughing about useless things. Bathing in the sun, playing games and enjoying each other's company. But apparently it was a little bit too much fun. We were horsing around in the grass, competing over who could pin the other one to the ground for five whole seconds. Daesung was laughing since he had pinned me down real good, not knowing that I might have helped him a little, smiling his radiant smile that could break open even the darkest of hearts. Only, his smile suddenly vanished and he turned green in a matter of seconds, throwing up all over me. First I thought he had simply overdid it a little and that we needed to take a breather. I wasn't that bothered about having his puke on my sweater, I could just take it off. That was when I noticed it. My sweater. It was covered in blood. Dark, scary blood. I had never been as scared in my entire life. I had no idea what to do. I felt completely helpless.

Daesung ended up having to comfort me, calling an ambulance on his own mobile. I was so ashamed, how could one person be so useless? But Daesung didn't hold it against me. He understood. He always understood. He never got angry. Not once. Not at me, not at himself, not even at the world for being so unfair. I on the other hand was angry all the time.

He never did make it out of the hospital again. It was then when I realized just how sick he had been, how awful he must have felt. But he hid it so well. Smiling and laughing, not wanting his sickness to cast a shadow over our perfect day in the sun. I didn't know whether to hug him or to punch him, so I did neither. I did nothing to show him how much he meant to me, nothing. How could I have been so stupid?

I did finally muster up the courage to confess though. I pestered the doctors for a week to allow him to go on a field trip with me. I got his mother on board so she was going to drive us, I bribed one of the orderlies to lend us a handicap van so that Daesung wouldn't have to walk one step. Everything was set. The day before I had gone to the forest and carved my confession on the trees that made up the way to freedom. One word per tree, 'I', 'have', 'something', 'to', 'tell', 'you', '-', 'I', 'love', 'you'. And on the last tree I had carved SH ♥ Dae.

When the day finally arrived, I rode my bicycle to the hospital, just like I did every day, only I had never gone this fast. I could feel the cool breeze in my face, my surroundings blurred from the speed. My heart was pounding, partly from exhaustion, partly from anticipation. I wasn't scared anymore, I wanted him to know. I wanted to show him. And with that thought I rode even harder. By the time I reached the hospital there wasn't a dry spot on my body, I was sweating so profusely. I ran up all the stairs, stopping only to avoid a major crash with a hospital bed that rolled past me.

But it was all for nothing. When I arrived, his bed was empty. At first I thought I had gotten my signals crossed. That I was supposed to meet them in the parking lot and that they had already gone down. Then I felt it. It was something in the air. Something invisible but still so tangible. He was gone. I could feel it in my bones. My love had left me, and I didn't even get a chance to tell him he was my love. My one and only.

I was so alone. The loneliness pierced through each and every cell in my body, making me ache until I couldn't take it anymore. And I never really managed to shake that feeling. That feeling that my other half was missing. That I would never be whole again. Doomed to roam the earth with a hole in my heart.

I arrived at work on time. I was a bit dizzy since I didn't eat breakfast. Jiyong, a co-worker of mine came running towards me with a stack of papers. He came to a halt in front of me, grinning widely. I was in too dark of a place to be amused. He was used to it. “Ah, so it's one of those days, is it?” he asked. I just nodded, I wasn't in the mood to talk. We worked at a sleep clinic, I had become a sleep researcher since my nightmares had robbed me of a normal life. I wanted them to stop. Maybe then I would be able to get over it. Maybe if I didn't see him every week, see him as if he was still alive, still my wonderful Daesung. Maybe.

“You got in!!” Jiyong yelled. “SSSHHHT” an angry nurse from the sleep lab was not amused. “Wait what?” I grabbed the topmost paper in the stack Jiyong was holding. There was this new cutting edge trial sleep drug that was supposed to make you sleep like a baby, dream and side-effect free. I had yet to test a sleep drug that managed to stop the nightmares. And I had tested a great many. More than most.

I got in. I actually got in. I could feel the heavy burden lifting off my shoulders. There was hope.