For 2 whole weeks Lu Han trudges through his work constantly on the edge. He doesn’t exactly know why until he gets scolded by Taeyeon for constantly asking her whether there were any calls for him from Yixing’s school.  He doesn’t really understand it but he thinks this is not the way it should have ended, not with him staring helplessly at Wu Fan carrying away a heartbroken Mei Ai, not with Yixing clutching his hand and bursting into tears because he couldn’t bear to see Mei Ai cry, not with never seeing or hearing from them again.

Yixing is more subdued too, like the little rainbow he seemed to carry around in him all the time had dimmed a little. And to Lu Han who divides him whole life between work and Yixing, feels like the nerve-wracking hours he spend at work is all wasted of he can’t even make the only precious thing in his life happy.

That night after he had sent the babysitter away and gotten halfway through preparing dinner he sees Yixing sitting quietly at the kitchen table, a red crayon clutched in tiny fingers trying to stay inside the lines as he colors a picture of tweety bird.

Lu Han can’t help but smile at this. “Xing Xing, tweety bird is yellow, not red.”

Yixing peeks up at him and blows his bangs out of his eyes, a gesture that startles Lu Han because he has seen Mei Ai do that very often. “Tweety is red.” Yixing says firmly, in a tone that balks no arguments. Lu Han laughs and ruffles his hair. About to turn back to the pot on the stove he stops and runs a finger softly down Yixing’s cheek.

“Xing Xing… is my baby sad?”

Yixing stops coloring to smile at him. “No, bàba, Xing Xing is happy.” But the smiles are not the same, Lu Han wants to say, it’s not the usual explosion of colors it used to be.

“But…” Lu Han shakes his head because Yixing is too small to understand that. “How are things at school anyway? I haven’t heard about any fights in a really long time.”

Yixing shakes his head slowly. “No. Mei Ai doesn’t hit me anymore.” He sounds thoroughly disheartened by this. “Not even when I touch her hair.”

“well… that sounds good, right? You guys have stopped fighting?”

“No. not good. I am still not her friend.” With that Yixing hangs his head and violently rubs the crayon haphazardly all over the page.

Lu Han takes a deep breath as he parks his car in the school parking lot. He nervously fiddles with his coat until he decides to leave it behind in the car and walks towards the football grounds. He stumbles over a few steps and finally manages to get himself to the top of bleacher just as a whistles blasts and a group of panting young boys spring into action and race across the field. He notices Wu Fan immediately. Waving his arms around and occasionally shouting out directions, yelling in encouragement and clapping and sometimes speaking quick, strict words that Lu Han can’t hear across the field but seems to be of reprimand. Lu Han watches him for almost an hour until he could almost swear he has memorized the way Wu Fan’s skin moves when his emotions shift.

He is startles out of his reverie when the boys run part the bleacher he is sitting on to get to the locker room yelling at each other. Wu Fan is following them at a slower pace and comes to a shocked stop when he spots Lu Han on the bleachers.

Lu Han waves, a little awkwardly as he clambers down to meet Wu Fan.

“Nǐ hǎo.”

Wu Fan’s surprised expression smoothes out as he hastily bows in response.

“Um….” Lu Han’s watches a droplet of sweat roll down Wu Fan’s neck and suddenly forgets his words. What are words? Where do you buy them from? Why doesn’t he have any right now? His minds runs around in panicked circles until the tall man clears his throat.

“What brings you here, Lu xiānshēng? Has Mei Ai gotten into anther fight with Yixing?” Lu Han wants to reach out and smooth away the worried scrunch of his eyebrows and this made me forget what he wanted to say all over again.

“I-I-um..I just, you know…?”

“I…. don’t know?”

“Oh yeah. Of course, you don’t know.” Lu Han wants to bang his head against something. He was 31 year of adult, for crying out loud, who dealt with some of the richest and meanest people of Beijing on a daily basis, who had a child to bring up. Forgetting words was not something he was supposed to do at this age.

“Do you… do you want to wait out here till I take a shower and come back? We can go have some tea?” Wu Fan asks finally and Lu Han, relieved nods back weakly.

“that’s exactly what I wanted to say, you know!” Lu Han calls out, like the idiot he is and Wu Fan turns around to grin at him.

“Well, now I DO know.”

Lu Han feels less of an idiot when Wu Fan walks out from the locker rooms, his wet hair standing on its ends weirdly, but fresh and not sweaty.

“So any place you had in mind?”

“There’s one around the corner that I like, about a 10 minute walk from here.”

Lu Han nods and gestures to Wu Fan to take the lead. For a few minutes they are quite before Lu Han tentatively breaks out a question. “So…football huh? Is it hard? Dealing with kids all day long?”

“Not really.” Wu Fan shrugs. “I love sports and I like kids. And I have scary eyebrows so none of the kids really give me any trouble.”

This surprises a laugh out of Lu Han, it lessens the tension in his shoulder.

“What do you do?”

“I….sit in an office and teach filthy rich people how to make more money.”

Wu Fan grins at him as he pushes open the door of a small tae shop, nestled into the corner of a road. There is no one but 2 school kids doing homework in one corner as they settle down with light cakes and pots with hot water for the tea to be steeped in. it’s only quite for a few moments before conversation starts to flow. Wu Fan is more of a listener but Lu Han is a talker and so it time flies by until Wu Fan has to rush home to get Mei Ai back from the babysitter.

Lu Han has a spring in his step as he goes home that night and a smile on his face as he feels, for the first time in a long time, something more than like an harried accountant and a single father.

Fridays become special days as Lu Han makes it a habit to wait for Wu Fan when his practice ends. By the 5^th time he is up there in the bleachers smiling down at him Wu Fan stops looking surprised by it.

“How is Yixing doing? I haven’t heard of any fights in almost 3 months between them. She fights with other people all the time though, but I’m happy she is at least done bothering Yixing” Wu Fan sits back comfortably in his chair.

 “No, no more fights between them. But Yixing doesn’t look happy about it.” Lu Han is now so used to the way Wu Fan angles his body in his chair towards the window so that the dying sun rays with land on his skin.

“He does…seem a little bit in love.”

“He definitely does.”

“Not a very good idea. With Mei Ai, you never know, even a confession might get a punch as the reply.” Wu Fan sighs. “I really don’t know. I give her everything I could possibly but…. I just don’t know, some people are just not cut out to be fathers, I guess.”

“She seems to love you a lot, anybody can see that. Your wife…? You are separated?”

Wu Fan looks up at him a little surprised because they had never broached this topic before. “No. she- she is dead.” There’s a little part of Wu Fan that seems to embrace that grief all over again.

Lu Han looks out of the window at the dying sun and he stands up. “Come on, let’s go.”

“Where are we going?” Wu Fan asks but willingly follows Lu Han out of the shop.

“Just walking.”

Lu Han ends up leading him to the part of town that is just starting to be referred to as the ‘art district’. They are quite as they walk past subway stations and walls painted in elegant flower patterns and rough sketches and small groups of college students performing in street corners. Lu Han smiles sadly as he watches a young boy dancing to a western song with great passion and he shakes his head at Wu Fan’s questioning look, just replying, “He reminds me of someone”.

“My wife loves- loved coming here for walks. She was an artist too and she always felt at home here, surrounded by paint splatters and tiny smidgens of creativity.” Wu Fan runs his hand over an old sketch of a young man with serious eyebrows and a fierce look tossing a basketball in his hands – the painting almost hidden away by a new one. If you squint closely, the picture is signed with a curving calligraphy that reads Mei Ai in the bottom.

“You said she…passed away?”

Wu Fan nods. “The doctor told her it wasn’t a very good idea- she was too weak. She had always been very sickly but she was a fighter. she wanted her own child so bad and I never could say no to her. I wish I did though. And then I get mad because wishing that is like wishing that Mei Ai didn't exist. ”

“I am so sorry hear that Wu Fan.” He lays a palm on Wu Fan arm and Wu Fan leans into it.

“It’s ok. Well, it’s almost ok. At the beginning I went absolutely crazy. I was like Yixing a long time ago – I tortured her all through middle school until she asked me out in high school finally and the two of us kind of grew up around each other throughout school and then marriage. And I didn’t quite know how to deal with the world without her and she had left behind this tiny helpless thing for me to be responsible for and I didn’t know whether to hate that kid or love it or give it away.”

“But you kept her, and you do love her.”

“I do. God, that kid was tough from the very first moment I saw her. You know how parents have these beautiful memories of their children smiling up at them for the first time? The first time the nurse gave Mei Ai to my hand she bit my finger – and I loved her for it.” Wu Fan lets out a strangled laugh. “Here I was falling apart and she was already a fighter, already holding on to life with her whole self. She already had so much of my wife in her, it was like she was biting my finger and reminding me that now that she was here I better start loving her.”

There are tears in his eyes that he doesn’t know what to do with, so Lu Han clears his throat and looks away. They stay like that for a long time, leaning against a wall watching a few performers, Lu Han’s arm a burning warmth against Wu Fan’s until he realizes how dark the sky is.

“Well, look at the time. I’m so late for ramyeon night!”

Lu Han whips his head around to look at him. “Wu Fan! You feed your kid ramyeon?!”

“Yes?” he looks very guilty. “Look, I’m not a very good cook ok.”

“I’ll teach you.” Lu Han says decisively as he takes Wu Fan firmly by the arm to lead him, ignoring all of his spluttering protests.

When Lu Han stops his vehicle  for a few minutes at the day care centre to pick up Yixing, who peeks in through the window at Wu Fan sitting in the front seat and calmly gets into the back seat pulling his bag behind him.

“We are going to see Mei Ai.” He states, not questions and Wu Fan laughs as he answers yes, that Lu Han is threatening Wu Fan with an actual home cooked meal.

“Good.” Yixing says seriously as he settle back into his seat. “I forgot to tell her that she was beautiful in her  new dress earlier today.”

Wu Fan bites his cheek to stop himself from laughing more as Lu Han bangs his head against the steering wheel.

Fridays soon turn into tea shop evenings and homemade dinner nights.

The first few times this happens Mei Ai glowers at her father with betrayed looks, as if she couldn’t believe that he would bring her enemy right into their house. But Yixing is irrepressible in his quest for friendship and follows Mei Ai around like a puppy around the house, until Mei Ai gives up in frustration and shares her toys with him and Yixing grins in victory at Lu Han over her head.

Lu Han decides that Wu Fan is a life hazard in the kitchen and relegates him to less risky things like stirring and tasting. Weeks go buy and there are little bits and pieces of them left all around wu fan’s house – one of Lu Han’s ties hanging off a kitchen chair, Yixing’s drawings pinned on the wall next to Mei Ai’s, little yellow notes with Lu Han’s crawling handwriting that spells out the food he needs to pick out at the shop before next Friday comes around.

One night when Lu Han arrives at their apartment a little later than usual carrying a sobbing Yixing who has a gaping wound in his knees, it is Mei Ai who jumps up from where she had been sitting to run over to them first. And it is Mei Ai who holds Yixing’s hand through it as Wu Fan carefully cleans and bandages his wound.

One night when Lu Han smiles at him across the table in their favorite tea shop as their knees knock against each other underneath the table, and the dying sun slants across the curve of his cheek, it is Wu Fan who realizes how hard his heart thunders in moments like these.

One night when Wu Fan has to be away for a game with his football team, it is Lu Han who takes Mei Ai home from school along with Yixing. And it is Lu Han who sings to her to sleep as she lies next to Yixing who is already fast asleep with his mouth open and his hand wrapped tightly around Mei Ai’s. And as she is drifting off, it is for the first time that Mei Ai curls herself into Lu Han’s arm and whispers “you sing better than bàba  does” and softly kisses his cheek.

And one night when there are echoes of Yixing’s happy giggles accompanied with Mei Ai’s voice across the room, and Wu Fan is talking to him in a soft voice as he walks around him stir the pot of sauce at the stove and when Wu Fan reaches over to pat his head gently, it is Lu Han who realizes that he is too far gone to ever go back to the way things were before.

“Did you know that your name means ‘loving’?” Yixing giggles into his palm and Mei Ai scowls at him response but still gently pulls him back up when he almost tips over in the stool he is sitting in.

Later that night when Yixing had managed to wriggle his way into Mei Ai’s bed and fall asleep next to her, wu fan is bustling around the kitchen and Lu Han cleans up after the mess of crayons and papers the kids have left on every possible flat surface in the house. As he is reaching for a stray piece of paper on the coffee table, he manages to knock over a picture of Wu Fan and a baby Mei Ai to reveal another one just behind it. He picks it up and is still staring at it when Wu Fan comes out of the kitchen with two mugs of tea.

She is beautiful. She looks tiny next to a younger looking Wu Fan, who has a hand wrapped around her, and both of them are smiling at the camera, softly, contentedly, leaning on each other as if they had all the time in the world just to themselves.

Wu Fan doesn’t say a word as he walks out into the small balcony overlooking the city. Lu Han puts the picture down to join him.

“You... the two of you look so happy.”

Wu Fan hands him his mug of tea, quietly. “That was when we graduated from high school, I asked her to marry me a few hours after that picture was taken.”

“You are a lucky man, Wu Fan, not everybody gets to have a love like that – even for a short while.”

“But- you wife? Weren’t you in love with her?”

Lu Han’s smile is a little self-deprecating. “No, that wouldn’t have been really possible.”

Wu Fan eyes are full of questions even in the dim light, but he had never been one to prod, so he sips at his tea quietly. Lu Han grips his cup in his hand tightly and wonders what will happen to them, to this friendship, if he speaks up now. But this is Wu Fan, Wu Fan who gave him a little more to look forward to everyday, who barks out orders in a football ground but cradles his daughter gently, Wu Fan - the first friend Lu Han had had in more than 10 years. This is Wu Fan who eats the food he has cooked like it’s a lifeline and Wu Fan who looks at him and expects nothing but a soft smile in return and so words come spilling out of his lips – words that even he had never really sorted through in his head let alone tell anybody else.

“Do- do you know Lu Industries?”

If Wu Fan is surprised by the sudden question he doesn’t show it. “The ship building company? Yes. The chairman is a donor at the school. I have seen him at school functions.”

“Mmmm, that’s why I never come to those. He is my father.”

“Chairman Lu? You are joking!”

“I wish.”

“But then- Lu Han you are the heir to the shipping magnate of the country.” Wu Fan says weakly.

Lu Han shrugs. “I was. Before I went and disappointed my father and got disowned and thrown out.”

“Oh... I’m sorry?”

“Don’t be. I’m happier than I could have ever been because of that. I- well, I was never the child my father wanted. I was small and weak, and people called me ‘pretty’ instead of ‘handsome’. So I learned to please. I played football all throughout middle school because it was the ‘manly’ thing to do, all the way until I broke my leg in 3 places and couldn’t play anymore. And then I threw my music sheets away too and learned to pour myself into book after book, studying to take over the business for my father. I thought everything was going well, that even if I was studying something I hated my parents were finally proud of me. And then when I was in my second year in college he told me I was to get married in 2 months.”

Wu Fan shifts a little closer to him but otherwise stays attentively quiet.

“In a way I loved her, I did, even if it was just a kind of affection born out of being thrown together and expected to make the best out of it. But somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that I wouldn’t have chosen her if I had the choice. And then I saw him one day.” Lu Han’s voice shakes at this and a little of the jasmine tea sloshes out of the cup, very much like the feelings he has had bubbling his chest for so long.

“I was 24, barely out of college but already taking over the business for my father and married too. I was not happy. One day I just had had enough of my wife whining about not having enough time to do all her shopping and the million and one business meetings I had been to that day. I got out of the car in the art district and started walking. Just walking and walking, past all those food vendors and shops with bright hair bands and street performers. Things that I never got to stop to enjoy since I turned 14. And that’s when I saw him. I don’t think I had ever seen anyone who could walk past him without stopping to stare. He had a friend handling the boom box and a big crowd around him and when I watched him dance I felt normal for the first time in a decade. I was dazzled, I was breathless. He was just so beautiful. And that is when is realized I had never really been so dazzled by any woman I had dated.”

Kris takes a sharp breath at this, finally starting to understand what he was getting at. But now that he has started talking, Lu Han seems unable to stop himself.

“We became friends, and he was like a breath of fresh air. He was free and truly young, he was bratty sometimes, and so wise sometimes. I was the happiest when I was with him walking down a street while he pointed out this and that to me. Jongin.” The name still curls around his tongue lovingly and yet foreign. “I wished I could see my wife the same way. And then my father told me that he wanted a grandson. And when I thought about it that day, thought of having to touch my wife, who always smelled like expensive department stores and cloying perfume and slept in a separate room, I knew for the first time in my life that I liked men more than I could ever bare to like a woman.” This is the first time he has ever said it out loud and Lu Han feels a little like something that had festered in his chest for years had clawed its way out into the thin air seeking freedom.

“Did you tell your father? Or anyone?”

Lu Han’s laugh is short and mocking. “What do think Wu Fan? When I was in middle school this one guy confessed to the basketball captain and they beat him up so bad that I couldn’t recognize his face. No, I didn’t tell. I didn’t have to they found out soon enough. One weekend when both my wife and I were not supposed to be home, she walked into the bedroom with another man – while I was there. With Jongin. It’s all a blur after that – it all fell apart so soon, my dad threw me out and I got a divorce and I had to stop talking to all my friends because, well, nobody really wanted to be associated with the ‘gay guy’.” Lu Han shrugs, it’s all long gone anyway. “I couldn’t just give up either. I had  Yixing and he was barely 7 months old. So I started over, and here I am.”

 “Lu Han-” Wu Fan starts. This doesn’t change anything. This doesn’t make me want to call you a freak and run away. We are still friends. You still matter – Wu Fan wants to say, but he has never been that good at words and instead he puts his mug down and gathers Lu Han into his arms. Lu Han stiffens only for a moment, as if he has forgotten how to hug someone, before his hands curl into Wu Fan’s worn night shirt. They hold each other like that for a long time that night, Lu Han mumbling incoherent words into Wu Fan’s chest and Wu Fan gently petting his hair.

All through his life, Lu Han had known nothing but how to stamp down his feelings, crush them into small invisible bits and pieces to be stashed away out of sight, and present a hard working, smiling face to the world. He had gotten beaten up enough in high school enough to learn never to let his guard down, never to let anybody see his secrets. He had had to be the dutiful son, the perfect athlete, the hardworking college student, a responsible husband, and a young father all through his life never once going easy on himself. But tonight after 31 such years, here in Wu Fan’s embrace, Lu Han feels like there was hope for him after all.

Weeks turn into months, leaves turn red, then brown, then litter the streets of Beijing. Summer turns into winter and before they even know it, it’s a whole new year and Yixing and Mei Ai pass onto 5^th grade. Their lives are so wrapped around each other that Lu Han is now more familiar with the couch in Wu Fan’s apartment than his own bed.

Wu Fan hears Lu Han honking outside as he wraps a scarf around Mei Ai who is wriggling and resisting, just for the sake of it. When he finally manages to hustle her out of the building Lu Han throws him the car keys and stretches in the passenger like a lazy cat. Mei Ai clambers into the back seat next to Yixing who immediately begins to fuss with her scarf as she hisses at him half-heartedly to get away. The drive down to Qinhuangdao City takes almost 3 and half hours but it is beautiful there, the silent desert meeting the rough sea.

Mei Ai fusses over her hair blowing wildly in the wind but Yixing quietly offers her a hair tie that he has started to carry around in his pocket, before they take down the coastline, shouting at each other in glee.

“Not too far!” Wu Fan shouts after them and Mei Ai swirls around to stick her tongue at him, and Lu Han copies her gesture immediately making her laugh.

“Who is the kid here again?” Wu Fan, deadpans.

“Clearly, it’s you.” Lu Han says cheerfully before picks up a handful of cold sand and drops it inside Wu Fan’s sweater, making him screech and jump around trying to shake off the scratchy grains while Lu Han stands to the side doubled over in maniacal laughter.

This starts of an epic sand-throwing fight that later expands to involve Yixing on Wu Fan’s team and Mei Ai on Lu Han’s side. Unfortunately, Wu Fan has to forfeit the battle soon because Yixing forgets what he was doing and wanders off to play with seashells – which results in Mei Ai and Lu Han nearly burying Wu Fan with half the sand in the beach.

Later Lu Han helps Wu Fan brush off the sand off of him. He is still smiling as he reaches up to run his fingers through Wu Fan’s hair, watching sand fly off it, when he catches Wu Fan staring down at him intensely.

Lu Han takes a small step back. “Wu Fan – I - ” he forgets his words again, or rather, he knows the feelings, he knows the words but doesn’t know how to string them together. All he knows is that he is seconds away from crossing a line that he had taken care not to all this time. “Wu Fan, because of you – I – I just – for a really long time now I - ” Lu Han blinks as Wu Fan takes his hand in his suddenly. Then he turns away towards the setting sun shining on the lopsided sandcastle Yixing and Mei Ai were building and pulls both their hands into the pocket of his winter coat to keep them warm.

“It’s ok.” Wu Fan says, in a somewhat gruff voice. “I know.”

A smile blooms across Lu Han face as he leans his head against Wu Fan’s shoulder.

“Still so bad with words, Wu Fan.” His voice is light and teasing, but it does not hide the happiness he feels in that moment.

“You are no better yourself.” Wu Fan says, even as he lifts Lu Han’s hand to his face to lightly kiss the back of it. And they stay like that, close and at peace, as they watch Yixing let Mei Ai try to make a crown out of wet sand on top of his head.

A/N 1 : Look what I found when I googled Beijing 1985. I don't know why but I love this picture.

A/N 2 : wow ok this took me SO long to write. I still haven’t mastered the art of writing things in short and I’m pretty sure this bored you guys out of your mind. 7500+ words in total! I wanted so much to slowly build up a relationship between Mei Ai and Lu Han and then Kris and Yixing too – but then this fic was already way too long.

I wrote the whole of the 2^nd part to the songs of the Miracles in December album and god, I miss Kris. So much.

As always, a hearfelt thank you to all guys who made it to the end of this long-winded lifetime. ^^