Dear Mirae

How are you? I'm doing fine.

I wonder where you are now, and if you're still smiling and laughing like the way you did before. Are you an angel, watching over me from above, or are you somewhere else? I don't know where you are, and scares me. It scares me so much, Mirae, it kills me inside to not know.

I wonder if you're happy where you are now, if you still like red spider lilies, if you still hate coffee with a passion, but drink it anyways if you feel like it. Do you still have cravings for strange things like a pregnant woman, even though you're as skinny as twig?

Where are you, Rae?

Does Heaven really exist, or are you in state of  nonexistence, unable to hear, see or feel? What did dying feel like, Mirae? Did it hurt, or was it quick? I know that you were always so terrified of dying. Was it like you always thought it was?

You know, this morning, I thought about you a lot more than usual. I thought about that time that we both dyed our hair blonde. I changed it back to brown soon after you died, and it's still brown today. Sometimes, I think I see you, when I'm in a crowd of people. I see someone with blonde hair, and somewhere in the back of my mind, you're there.

Sometimes, I want to tell you something funny I heard, sometimes I want to recite lyrics that I think that you'll like, or I want to just talk to you when I'm feeling stressed, but then I turn around to where you are, and then it hits me. You're not here anymore, you left me and went somewhere else.

It hurts, but not as much as it used to.

The pain has finally numbed, and it's not so accute anymore. Thinking about you makes me happy, I'm not sad anymore.

I don't feel guilty at the thought of moving on anymore, and I know that it's what you want for me. I know that you wnt me to be happy, so I've moved on.

But I miss you still, that will never change. You will always have a special place in my heart as the girl I once loved.

Goodbye, Mirae. 

No. 

I don't want you to be happy without me, I want you to be with me, because I can't be happy without you.

What happened to all the beautiful days that we promised eternity, Himchan?

How could you forget all of that so easily?

Even if you forget, I will always remember.

Now, I walk this road on my own.

Because you don't love me anymore.