I woke up early today, which was unusual for me, espescally on a Saturday, which was the day I normally spent sleeping in. I picked up my phone, taking it out of it's charger to check the time. 

7:00am

For some reason, I felt like listening to music today, so I opened my music playlist, and put it on shuffle. It started playing Big Bang's "Love Song", and I hummed along to the tune. Singing was never really my forte, but I tried nontheless, trying to remember the lyrics I had once known off by heart, occaisionaly messing the lines up.

One woman is going farther and farther away
A man is singing a song but
This parting is what makes me cry
I know
That I cannot touch you, I know
Grab ahold of me, I'm falling

I used to listen to this song everyday, and everytime I listened to it, I felt really bad because it brought up memories I would rather forget. At some point, I just stopped listening to it altogether. I realized that I missed this song. It was a good song. I forgot that I even still had it on my phone untill today. I forgot that I even had any music on my phone at all. 

Music had been my life, my dream, my everything. When had I stopped believing in my dreams?

The warm streaks of sun from another planet
The lonely, dancing fields of reed
I, on a green hill, remaining unchanged
The unfinished conversation with her
The expressionless sky bears no answers
You're hiding behind the white clouds, right?
You've become a star maybe

All I remember was that I stopped listening to music because it hurt me, because it made me sad.

But listening to it doesn't make me feel as sad as it used to.

I hate this love song, I won't sing it again
So I won't think of you, so I can forget you
I hate this love song, I'll sing it smiling

I looked in the mirror hanging on my wall, and fixed my hair, the song still playing in the background.

I can still remember the time when I dyed my hair blonde because someone had managed to convince me to get it done with them. I don't know how, it sort of just happened. The blonde look had grown on me over time, and in the end, I decided to keep it that way. 

About a year after that, however, I went back to my original brown.

I never dyed it again.

So you won't be alone, I'm going to you now
I'm afraid, this world has no meaning
Take me to a place with the moon, stars and you
We were beautiful, you know
You taught me love, hello

The meaning behind the lyrics of this song had always eluded me. I could never figure out what it really meant, and even today, I still didn't understand it. At one point, I thought I did, even going as far as to believe I could relate to it, but now, I'm not so sure.

But I wasn't as curious as I was before.

That night, I had a dream.

It wasn't bad, nor was it good. It was okay, really.

In this dream, I was walking in my neighbourhood. Just walking past the familiar buildings, the familiar houses. The only thing that was missing was the people.

I was the only one there. 

There was nobody else but me.

I looked into a shop window as I passed by, and saw a flash of blonde. Curious, I looked closer, only to see that my hair was no longer the dark brown I was used to, but was blonde once again. I looked a bit younger too.

Was not a dream, but a memory?

Shaking these thoughts off, I dragged myself away from the window and continued walking. Just walking with no aim, no destination, no ulterior motive, just walking for the sake of it, I guess.

Isn't that how the majority of people live?

With no goals, no motives, no reasons?

Isn't that how I was living now?

As I walked, I noticed something, a familiar presence by my side, steps in harmony with mine, just like it used to. I didn't have to look to see who it was.

Because I already knew.

I didn't have to look to know that she would wearing that smile, the kind of mysterious smile like she knew something you didn't, I didn't need to look to know that she would be walking with her self-asssured, almost careless aura that she always seemed to exude.

Because I already knew.

When I finally did look at the girl walking beside me, I saw how her eyes twinkled, the ever-present, curious look in her eyes sparkling, that fire that never seemed to die burning brightly deep within her dark eyes, and she laughed.

I missed that laugh, that happy, carefree laugh that only she had. I missed it a lot. I felt a rush of affection rise up inside of me. She laughed louder, and ran ahead of me, still smiling, still laughing like she always did.

Flicking her red and blonde hair away from her eyes in a familiar gesture I had come to love over time, she beckoned me to follow her.

And so I did.

I chased after her, laughing in harmony with her, and chased after her until I woke up.

But when I did wake up fully, I was happy, not sad like I used to be.

My heart didn't race like it used to.

My heart didn't hurt as much as did before.

All I felt was warmth, and affection.

The love had faded.

Today, I decided to visit her.

I bought flowers for her, red spider lilies, her favourite. 

I guess she liked what they stood for. She always told me that what they meant was realistic, because things don't always work out, and sometimes, you get separated from something that you love, no matter how hard you try and fight for it. 

Not everything gets a happy ending.

And she knew that.

I walked through the grey entrance, and entered the quiet property.

It was completely deserted. No one ever came here unless they had to.

I lay the flowers down on the ground, along with a letter I had written for her, and kneeled in front of the dark grey stone, running my hands over it, rereading the words that I already knew off by heart.

I whispered a sad, quiet goodbye, knowing that this would be the last time I would ever come here.

I got to my feet, and walked away without looking back.

Jeon Mi Rae

1994-2014

Aged 20

May she rest in peace forever within the embrace of God.