It takes him awhile, longer than it should maybe, to realize what’s happening. What it is that he’s feeling. And then when he does, when it finally dawns on him what this is, what all those little things add up to (Such little things. Tiny things, really. So tiny he can almost excuse himself for taking so long to realize, except that he can’t because how could he not? How could he possibly have not known when Yunho’s smile makes him smile and Yunho’s hand on his shoulder is better than any praise or how if Yunho sits next to someone else Jaejoong feels like the most invisible person, the most unnecessary person ever, but when Yunho’s eyes find his from across the room it’s more than inclusion. Like sharing a secret that Jaejoong can’t even begin to name but that only he and Yunho share and maybe they’re all things that one might feel with a friend but Jaejoong has friends and he knows what that feels like and everything with Yunho just feels like more), that’s almost worse. More confusing than being confused. Because knowing what he’s feeling and knowing what he feels about it are two separate things.

And there’s so much to feel.

Confused because if he were — were — were that — were — if guys were what he liked, then wouldn’t he know by now? He should have, shouldn’t he? Only maybe not because he’s always been a hard worker and so very focused on what he wants and there’s never really been time for things like crushes or even getting close to people. Close enough to notice them. Not til now. Not til he became a trainee and there were actually consistent people in his life and a reason to get close.

And Yunho is so easy to know. Honest and warm and something else that Jaejoong doesn’t quite know how to qualify but that he knows puts him at ease in a way he’s never really felt before, maybe not even with his family and certainly not with anyone else. But it’s always been that way with Yunho, ever since they’d first met, not long after Jaejoong had joined SM as a trainee. Yunho had been performing as a rapper for another artist back then, even though he was still a trainee himself, and he’d just got back from a performance. His hair was sweaty and he looked tired underneath the makeup but his clothes were really cool and he’d been on national television and Jaejoong — all of fifteen and already so overwhelmed — had felt like such a inexperienced idiot next to him that he’d been terrified even just to talk to him. But Yunho had just smiled that open smile and introduced himself and started talking like it was normal, like there was no difference between them. And he was funny and he was friendly and every time Jaejoong would put his foot in his mouth (which was and still is often) Yunho would just laugh so hard and maybe it was just because they were the same age and both at the bottom of the totem pole (even if Yunho was performing) but even then after only a week or so he felt more comfortable with Yunho than anyone else. Like he could be whatever or however he needed to be around him and Yunho would never mind. Never treat him differently the next day for a moment he couldn’t control now.

So maybe it’s not really so surprising. But that doesn’t help with anything else. Because that might be the only question that’s not all tangled up with everything else. Because it’s wrong, two men together. Jaejoong knows that. He knows because everyone says so. Because everyone makes jokes about it. Because the only reason there’s nothing in their contracts about it is the same reason no one cares about idols hanging all over each other or sharing rooms or playing the kind of couple’s games that make the all the fans shriek and squeal: because the idea is so impossible, so unthinkable, that it’s just absurd.

And Jaejoong tries, he really does, to stop. To shame himself out of it. Because it is wrong and he should be ashamed and he definitely is terrified but it doesn’t feel wrong. He tries and he tries but it just doesn’t. And the more he tries to sort through it all, the shame and the fear and the want, the more they seem to tangle together until the only thing worse than being around Yunho where it’s all he can feel, is being away from him where it becomes the only thing he can think about.

Well, that and the fan service. Which is kind of another thing all together. Because he and Yunho did it before — well, they all do. It’s just part of the idol package: forgo sleep. Wear makeup. Experiment with really weird hairstyles. Do fan service. But before Jaejoong never knew why it makes him feel the way that it does. And why only ever with Yunho. Now he does and to say that he doesn’t love it — the excuse to touch, to sit so close, to push the boundaries just that much further — would be a lie. A big one. But to say that he doesn’t hate it either might be an even bigger one. Because it feels real, and it’s just not.

So Jaejoong tries to ignore it. To control it. To push the feelings somewhere so deep inside him that they won’t ever break free because Yunho is his friend; more than anything or anyone else Yunho is his friend and nothing is worth losing that, not ever. But the lies and the feelings keep piling up and piling up and there’s just not enough room in his body for it all and finally it just won’t hold any longer. And Jaejoong just snaps.

It’s over nothing, really. Just another interview. Just another exercise in making the fans scream and fall into line to buy all things TVXQ and even though it’s not completely scripted they still all know their parts by now and of course Yunho, as the leader, is going to say things about the other members, about Jaejoong, of course he is, but he always sounds so ing sincere and Jaejoong. Just. Can’t anymore.

“What the hell was that? That was not how that was supposed to go.”

Yunho is by the fridge — looking for leftovers, probably — but he shuts the door and turns to face Jaejoong when he storms into the kitchen behind him. And Jaejoong knows how he looks when he gets angry, really truly angry, his face freezing into something that sends everyone, sometimes even his hyungs, (and definitely his dongsaengs, who are now nowhere to be seen) scrambling for cover but Yunho just looks at him.

“There wasn’t a script,” he shrugs. And Jaejoong sort of wants to hit him.

“You know what I mean,” he snaps. “That was too much. You didn’t need to say those things.”

“There’s nothing wrong with a leader praising s,” says Yunho, still so calm. So ing nonchalant. Only there’s something in his eyes, something that glints like metal, that makes Jaejoong think that maybe it’s a front. A cover. And as angry as the calm was making him, more lies are just worse.

“Is that was that was?” Jaejoong steps forward, crowding Yunho up against the counter. And he knows he’s pushing it. Even for him this is pushing it, but he can’t keep doing this, can’t keep going like this, tortured by a nonexistent hope of a thing he can’t have. “Is that what it was? Just a leader praising s? Just fan service? Just U-Know Yunho playing his part?”

“Should it have been something else?” Yunho asks, gaze sharp and still unreadable and god what kind of question is that?

“That’s what I want to know!” The words, the frustration, burst out of Jaejoong and he can’t, he can’t say, not for real, what this is all about. But it almost doesn’t matter. As long as he doesn’t say it then the words can keep coming because even if it’s not why it’s still true. “God, you always do this now. There’s fan service and playing our parts but there’s lines. And you just keep crossing them like they aren’t even there.”

And now Yunho is leaning in. Is crowding Jaejoong right back, so close that Jaejoong can feel his breath in the wisps of hair around his face and if he weren’t so furious right now that might actually freeze him. But he is. So it doesn’t. (Much.)

“Isn’t that just what we do?” Yunho says. “Crossing lines? Pushing boundaries? And anyway, who are you to complain when I said such nice things about you?”

The words are all wrong for the way he says them. For the way he looks when he says them. Like he was playing at calm and now he’s playing at angry and this conversation is going nowhere, nowhere at all and why did Jaejoong have to start anything? Why couldn’t he have just kept his mouth shut? (Why does Yunho have to do the things he does; hugging Jaejoong like it’s more and saying things, tossing around words that are so big, and then acting like it’s all just nothing? How is Jaejoong supposed to ever keep going like this when he feels like he never even knows if there’s any ground beneath his feet?)

He steps back. He schools his features. He might not be naturally inclined towards cool silence but he is good at it when he tries.

“Well, it’s confusing,” he says frostily. “I never know where I stand with you anymore and I’m tired of it. It’s bothersome. So pick a line and keep to it.”  And then he turns and walks away and doesn’t let himself look back.

Yunho doesn’t talk to him for three whole days.

Yunho and Jaejoong’s relationship has always been a bit volatile, a bit intense, and they’ve had their share of fights. Bad ones, even. But never like this. Instead of explosive and loud, now everything is frigid. And silent. They don’t talk to each other, they don’t even acknowledge each others’ presence in a room and the tension that crackles between them makes the other members twitchy and anxious and Jaejoong almost, almost, gives in. Except that he meant what he said. And he isn’t sure how. Doesn’t know what he could possibly say or do to fix this. So instead he just waits.

On the fourth day Yoochun, Junsu, and Changmin all vanish. Maybe they have schedules, maybe they have errands, or maybe they just want out for a bit — honestly, Jaejoong doesn’t know or care. Nor does he care what Yunho is doing. He stays in the bedroom they all share and sits on his bed with his notebook and works on the lyrics he’s been writing. He thinks he likes them, but they’re not quite right yet.

He does not think about Yunho. Or about their fight. Or about how much he misses his friend after only a few days. And then Yunho himself marches into the room and stops right in the middle.

“I’ve been thinking,” he announces, and he’s staring straight ahead and it’s annoying.

“Was it hard work?” Jaejoong mutters, not quite quiet enough for Yunho not to hear and Yunho shoots him a look before continuing as if Jaejoong said nothing.

“About what you said. And I think maybe you’re right.”

Jaejoong stares at him. Because that is definitely not what he expected to hear. But before he can say anything, before he can think of anything to say, Yunho is moving again, coming over to Jaejoong and kneeling down in front of him on his bed.

“You were right,” he says again, and he looks serious, but real. Real like he used to, like the boy Jaejoong remembers from his trainee days who he could always talk honestly with and never have to worry and something twists inside Jaejoong because it seems like now at least one of them is always hiding something. “I haven’t been clear and maybe that’s unfair and maybe you were right to be angry but I didn’t want—” Yunho pauses and takes a breath then scratches the back of his head. “Ah, I guess I was hoping that maybe I wouldn’t have to be. That you — that we were on the same page. Or maybe I was just being careful.”

And Yunho’s smile now is maybe the most self-deprecating expression that Jaejoong has ever seen on his leader’s face and maybe also a little nervous and Jaejoong doesn’t understand, doesn’t understand one bit. Not the look on Yunho’s face or why he’s talking instead of scolding or what Yunho could possibly mean that he was being careful (careful? Careful? Crossing lines and pushing boundaries and he calls this being careful?) and certainly not the strange feeling in the room, like something building. Something coming.

“But maybe you’re right,” Yunho continues and at least Jaejoong doesn’t seem to be required in this conversation because he wants to ask; to tell Yunho to just hurry up and say whatever it is that he’s trying to say, to demand to know what the hell is going on, only he can’t quite seem to find the words or even his voice when his stomach keeps clenching and fizzing like this. “Maybe you’re right and I’ve just been being confusing. Jaejoong.” Yunho looks up. Right at Jaejoong. So serious. So sincere. “You are my friend, and you will always be my friend and I don’t ever want anything to stop that. So I’m going to be clear. I’m going to be clear and then you can choose. You can decide where you want to stand and I promise, I absolutely promise, that I’ll respect that. But I think — I think maybe I get it. I think maybe you just — maybe I — maybe it’s all just backwards and—”

He stops. His expression changes, hardens, maybe. Like determination. Like deciding. And Jaejoong still doesn’t understand because the words just aren’t making any sense and he still can’t find any words of his own and Yunho is leaning forward and—

The kiss is sudden. Warm and chaste and so completely one-sided that it probably doesn’t even count. And then it’s over. Far, far too quickly; Yunho pulling back, his expression mixing fear and hope and still something like determination as he sits back and waits. Waits for Jaejoong. For Jaejoong to decide.

Except that Jaejoong can’t decide. Couldn’t decide a damn thing right now; not even something as simple as whether to take a breath or not. And he thinks maybe now he knows what it is that the fans feel sometimes. Why it is that sometimes when they meet them all they can do is stand there and fish-mouth like Jaejoong is doing now: It’s because some things are so much, are so big, that it’s all you can do to comprehend the sheer fact of them. Like the shock of it won’t allow for any other feelings and so Jaejoong just sits there staring and staring and trying to fit what just happened into his head and now the silence is getting awkward but he still just can’t find any words or—

“Ah.” Yunho’s eyes flick down and a slight blush rises in his cheeks. “Ah, it seems I made a mistake.”

He stands, his movements stiff and awkward, like there’s too much of him only there’s never too much of him. There could never be too much of him.

“I’m sorry. It’s okay. We’ll just forget about it.”

He turns to leave, moves toward the door and it takes a couple of steps before Jaejoong can get it together enough to scramble off the bed but he does it, lunging after Yunho and grabbing him by the arm and now he does find the words. Just one:

“Wait.” Wait.

Yunho stops. Almost freezes. Almost but not quite, because he turns slightly to look at back Jaejoong, but it’s so slow, so careful, like even though he’s moving he’s still being unnaturally still. Their eyes meet, and Jaejoong has to look away from what he sees there. It’s too big. Like the feeling inside him is too big. Except maybe that’s okay.

And he still doesn’t know what to say, what words will communicate the thing he needs Yunho to know, but maybe that’s okay too.

“Jae?” Yunho’s voice is soft and more uncertain than Jaejoong’s ever heard it.

He looks down at his hands, still wrapped so tight around Yunho’s forearm. The hands that are so different from Yunho’s; not quite as strong. Not quite as pretty. But when he slides them down and tangles their fingers together he thinks maybe they fit together perfectly anyway.

And maybe Jaejoong should kiss him now. Kiss him back. He wants to. (Really, really wants to.) But he doesn’t. Because this is bigger than kisses and about so much more than just wanting. Because this is important.

He shuffles closer. Right up to Yunho, Yunho’s arm bumping against his chest. And then, very deliberately (and feeling both bolder than he’s ever felt and more shy than he’s ever been and how is it even possible to feel those two things at once?), he drops his chin onto the curve of Yunho’s shoulder, pressing nose and mouth against warm skin. Then he raises his eyes back up to Yunho’s.

Yunho blinks, dark eyes searching Jaejoong’s. And then he smiles, and something that tiny shouldn’t be able to be that gorgeous. Shouldn’t be able to make Jaejoong feel this much. But it’s Yunho. And so of course it does.

“Yeah?” Yunho’s fingers squeeze his. Hard. And Jaejoong squeezes back, a smile curling his lips up against the top of Yunho’s bicep. And he still really wants to kiss him because that first was so fast and Jaejoong was so startled and he really didn’t pay any attention to what it felt like and he wants to know what it feels like. Wants to know what Yunho’s mouth would feel like against his, what his skin would feel like under Jaejoong’s hands. If Yunho would pull him close and closer.

But not right now. Because right now Yunho’s fingers are curled with his and Yunho’s eyes are bright and crinkling and Jaejoong knows, just knows, that it can wait. For now, everything else can wait.

“Yeah,” he says. “Yeah.”